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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I'm a single mother

27 replies

mopthefloor · 25/03/2019 16:26

What now?

DH and I split a few months ago (at my instigation) and he has all but disappeared. He's moved away and I find myself on my own with two children. Rented council house so that part's fine for now. But all of a sudden I'm a self-employed single mother of two plus I'm still paying a small amount of support to my ex! Not much but quite enough considering that I pay all expenses for our two children.

Anyway things have been going along ok until now but I've just realised that I'm really, really lonely. I'm also quite trapped with these two lovely children to look after outside school hours. They're still too young to be left at home alone so I'm doing a lot of working from home after school. Extremely isolating. What on earth do I do? It's nowhere near the top of my list of priorities but I find myself wondering whether I'll ever have another relationship? Will I ever even have sex again? How will I pay for all the things the kids need as they get older? How will I keep the house maintained? And find some time to exercise? Something has to give, is it going to be my self-care? Confused What on earth happens now?

OP posts:
ShatnersWigIsActuallyAMammoth · 25/03/2019 16:43

I don't have kids, haven't had a date in 7 years. I have a female friend, no kids, been single aside from three very short lived dating spells (none lasting more than two months which each guy) 11 years.

Conversely, I don't know any single mums who have not found another partner if they wanted one within two years of becoming single.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 25/03/2019 16:49

Hi OP...I think just take one day at a time..you are meeting trouble and aggro head on where there is no need...Life has a funny way of working out and no one knows whats around the corner.Next week you could be shopping and meet someone you can't know....relax,organize your life and the life of your kids as best you can and focus on the here and now.pretty sure all will be well ...just give it and you time.

pointythings · 25/03/2019 16:53

I'm sorry, but why isn't he paying maintenance for his DCs? Why are you paying him? Unless you're scarily rich, spousal maintenance isn't much of a thing any more.

Original poster
mopthefloor · 25/03/2019 16:57

pointythings he's got no money, which means no money to give to the children either. His family is paying to support him and I'm being pressured/guilted into contributing. More fool me, I know, but I'm trying to keep things amicable Hmm (Obviously I do realise that this is absolutely my choice and I don't have to do it, but I'm too scared of the fallout if I don't.)

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 25/03/2019 16:57

Why are you giving him money?
Stop that, and put the money towards a babysitter if there comes a time when you DO want to be out dating.

pointythings · 25/03/2019 16:58

OK, so get the divorce sorted and then stop giving him money. Unless he is disabled and can't work, he should get a job and support himself. And even if he is disabled, he should still manage his own life.

BobIsNotYourUncle · 25/03/2019 17:02

Stop paying him money! He’s an adult, he also chose to move away. Stop supporting him.

sagradafamiliar · 25/03/2019 17:18

Stop. Giving. Him. Money. Please.

SavageBeauty73 · 25/03/2019 17:21

Please stop giving him money. That's insane.

You'll be fine. I've been a single mum for nearly 4 years and although it's hard it's easier than being with my ex.

Original poster
mopthefloor · 25/03/2019 17:46

It is insane, isn't it?

But anyway. I don't know, I guess you're right Sallycinnamon that I am borrowing trouble worrying too much about the future. I just had a real down moment today when I thought wow, this really isn't what I signed up for, I mean if I'd wanted to have two children on my own I'd have done so! I'd not have to worry about their emotions when their dad just disappeared, or have to take him into account when making decisions for them, etc etc.

I'm just really missing decent adult company, not like what I had from my ex, but someone who thinks I'm interesting and intelligent and attractive and all that, and I'm wondering if I'm ever going to have that again or...

OP posts:
BobIsNotYourUncle · 25/03/2019 17:57

Do you pay him money because you feel guilty that you instigated the break up?

What fall out will happen if you stop? Who is giving you grief about it? Him or his parents? He’s an adult right? Capable of working? Your priority needs to be the children, not supporting him financially. Does he work? Why isn’t he supporting his own children or seeing them?

AnotherEmma · 25/03/2019 17:58

For the love of god woman stop being a complete mug and giving him money.

GreenTulips · 25/03/2019 18:01

Stop paying now because you’ll set a precedent

If you stop what exactly will happen? He can’t afford to take you to court can he?

He needs to get a job and start having the kids every other weekend

Original poster
mopthefloor · 25/03/2019 18:03

I hear you but it's not really my issue right now.

I'm so sick of talking about him (that's all anyone IRL wants to talk about).

I want to focus on me, me, me for a change Sad

What about me? Where am I going? What do I want? What am I going to get out of life?

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 25/03/2019 18:07

Save your money and spend it on a babysitter so you can do something for yourself!

Original poster
mopthefloor · 25/03/2019 18:14

I truly don't feel like I could even consider dating in the next few years.

I have friends, but I just feel so lonely. I was lonely in my marriage too though, it's not that.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 25/03/2019 18:29

I'm not advising you to start dating

Original poster
mopthefloor · 25/03/2019 18:32

No, I didn’t take it like that. I’m just feeling so lost and I can’t see any way out of it. I don’t see myself meeting anyone. I wouldn’t want to go out of an evening anyway, except maybe to go for a walk, and I’m not going to book a babysitter for that.

I’m just lonely Sad

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 25/03/2019 18:34

My advice, for what its worth, is to spend some time and possibly money re-examining yourself, and thinking about what makes you so unsure of yourself that you've been reduced to paying your ex-bf so that he won't say mean things about you.

Come on, girl, find your spine, cut your losses with that terrible loser, and find what makes you, you. If you have a good solid view of yourself, and understand a bit more about your feelings and behaviours, you're less likely to settle for a bad 'un next time.

NewspP · 25/03/2019 18:36

How old are the kids and which part of the world are you at

NotTheFordType · 25/03/2019 18:47

Oh come on B.

Stop giving this feckless cunt money.

8FencingWire · 25/03/2019 18:50

Right. Well, I started by getting the house to the standard I wanted. Once decluttered and decorated to suit my taste (insane amount of overtime paid for it) I took time to just enjoy it.
I paid attention to every single detail, every single thing in this house makes me happy.
So I have a really nice, simple and minimalist bedroom where I can just close the door and spend time looking into space, have a coffee, play some music, read, nap etc.
I focused on resting first, because years of stress meant I was wired all the time.
I looked into exercising again. My DD just about could be left for 20 mins when we started just the two of us. Can you put yours on scooters and go for a run around the park? Even 15 min helps.
Or I do Shred, on my phone, in my bedroom.
I have an evening a week when DD brings home friends for dinner (pizza). Soon enough parents started popping in too for a slice/chat/pick up, so I made some friends this way.
It gets easier.
The biggest change I made by really looking after myself, rediscovering who I am and starting loving myself.

ittooshallpass · 25/03/2019 18:58

It's all early days. You'll find your feet. I've been a single mom for 7 years now. No dates (or even a sniff of one!) but I have great female friends. Fantastic people who I know are there to support me. Surround yourself with good people. Other single moms who 'get it' are key.

Also... do your children ever go to their dads? Or his family? You need a break. Start pushing for him to have the kids and as everyone else has said... stop giving him money! His family can step up and support him. You don't need to.

Be kind to yourself. It'll take a bit of adjustment. Being a single mom wasn't my life plan either, but here we are 😁

Thatnovembernight · 25/03/2019 19:58

I am also a single mum with two kids and have a lot of the same thoughts. I often wonder if I’ll ever be kissed again, never mind have sex. I can’t imagine ever being in the right ‘place’ or trusting anyone enough. And it is mind blowingly lonely at times. Despite working I hardly have any money so I can’t throw cash at the problem or treat myself in any way really. Don’t want to hijack your thread - just wanted you to know you’re not the only one! Hopefully things will get better xx

CandyCreeper · 26/03/2019 07:34

Im a single mum to 4 with no help as ex is also absent. Im afriad the answer is rubbish but you just get on with it, the best you can. Mine are 8,7,5,1 so cant be left alone so I try to do things around school but that means im always with the youngest. you will get use to it. I wouldnt think about dating just yet especially if you have little help, I have been single since ex left whilst I was pregnant.