We want different things...

[BusyHomemaker]

I (37, 7yo DD) have been with my boyfriend (50, 19yo DD away at uni) for around 18m. We met through friends when he was going through separation/divorce and I hadn't long recovered from an abusive relationship (very much over that one now) plus I had some family issues. We've helped each other overcome a lot in our lives... we have a deep connection and are absolutely best friends. We have such a fantastic time in each others company, we stay up all night talking, the sex is fantastic and we both agreed that if we'd met 10 years earlier we would be planning a wedding and family together... the sad fact is that is not the case.

We had a bit of a rough patch over the past few months and have been niggling/arguing but always bring it back around. Earlier in the year DP found out he was going to be made redundant in the Autumn and due to the nature of his work he will probably have to do some contracting, meaning he'll be away Mon-Fri. As a kneejerk reaction he suggested we move in together - I was over the moon by this! The next two weeks following were tense... I seemed to annoy the hell out of him! During an argument he exclaimed that he was dreading moving in together. Obviously I was devastated but I told him there was no rush, we could put a pin in it.

Fast forward to now.... things were still rocky and we had a huge talk (many talks) about our relationship. He told me that he love me to my bones, this is the best relationship he's ever had and he's never met anyone like me - I feel that same. He told me that there are some elephants in the room...

• He worries he can't give me what I want (I didn't want more children when I first met him but I told him (honestly) that if it happened I would be delighted because I've met somebody I love and can see my future with). He told me that I've grown as a person since he's known me and I'm ready to make my way in life (after some earlier set-backs). He worries that I should be with someone my own age. Also, he's at a point in his life where he's free from parenting responsibilities.

• He doesn't want to be a step-father again and doesn't really feel he's clicked with my DD (I've tried to encourage we spend time together as the three of us but he gets stressed by this and I worry how this impacts on my lovely DD)

• He carries a lot of guilt around his marriage and how that affected his DD (he moved away to marry someone new and took on step-children, believing it was the right thing to provide a family for his DD). He worries that our relationship will make him less available for his DD (who I adore).

I told him that I'm aware of these issues but all I need to know if that he sees me in his future and sees us living together one day, within the next five years... he told me he doesn't know.

He wants us to live for the now, not for the future but I can't get my head around that. I am independent, earn decent money and busy but my life is so much better with DP in it. We both value the connection that we have and I was willing to compromise on some things in the name of having a loving relationship but if he can't see me in his future after 18months then there is no future, is there?

It hurts because I know he doesn't see his future, he tells me he can't see his future. I feel gutted. I don't know whether to give it a bit more time (he is going through a lot at the moment, possibly a mid-life crisis? OMG am I the mid-life crisis??) and ease the pressure. Just enjoy each others company for as long as we can or if I am doing myself and DD a dis-service by that. I'm not necessarily looking for a step-father for DD but I do believe that if someone truly loved me they would want to be there for her too. Also, what if it never progresses and we break up in a few years time and I've missed my chance to create a family life for DD?

We're at completely different life stages but is it madness to end a relationship with someone I click so well with? What if I never have this connection again?

Wow, there's a lot to consider there. Sorry you're dealing with this. I haven't been in that situation, but a friend of mine recently separated from her DP of 2 years because she really just couldn't click with his kids. They were getting to the stage of moving in together and she was terrified of the thought of the kids being there every other weekend and holiday so she had to tell him it wouldn't work.

I don't think I could be with someone, and certainly not live with someone, who didn't 'get' my children as they always come first.

It sounds to me like you are at different stages in life. Perhaps he is looking to retirement and travel without worrying about children. You are still in the 'young family' stage and perhaps thinking about having more kids.

I can't advise you, no one can. I just wish you the best of luck in working out the right thing to do. x

Thank you ScatteredMama82 x

It's the fact he doesn't feel he's clicking with DD that's really bothering me. In addition to not being able to see me in his future - I don't know how you can claim to love someone but not see them in your future? But then, perhaps he just needs some time to sort his life out?

I think he's accepted that we're not going to grow old together because there are too many obstacles and he currently doesn't know what he wants out of life. So my choices are stay in a relationship with a person I love but understand it's not going anywhere (in the hopes that he will change his mind) or end the relationship.

Maybe guilt he wasn't around enough for his own dd is holding him back from yours? His honesty regarding her would be enough for me to walk away tbh.
She deserves more.

The fact that he doesn't get on well with your daughter and has no interest in being a parental figure is all you need to know. This relationship will not work so I suggest you stop wasting even more time.

I had almost the identical conversation about two years ago after a 5 year relationship.
His dc was off to university, mine was still in primary. He was made redundant. He wanted us to live together.....
Which translated to he wanted to let his house, give himself an income and live with me but since we weren’t going to be together for ever, he only needed to pay a share of the bills.
And then it transpired that once he had that income, he wanted to travel but I couldn’t go to because I had the inconvenience of a primary aged child.
So actually what he wanted was somewhere to sleep & keep his stuff while he wasn’t on holiday.

You & your daughter both deserve better.

No one is in the wrong here, but your visions of the future are not compatible, and you are at different life stages, and different parental stages. He's already parented a young child, and been a step-parent, and now his DD is at university, he doesn't want to start all over again as either a parent or a step-parent -- and I can imagine he feels guilty about moving away from his DD to live with his new partner's children, and it must have been messy.

I think he is being laudably honest in telling you he isn't really forging a relationship with your daughter, and presumably that this is one of the reasons he doesn't want to move in together -- he already moved on from his own young DD, and presumably also from his stepchildren (is he still in touch with them?), and doesn't want to do it again if, as seems likely, your relationship doesn't last.

I think it is perfectly possible to love someone, and still not want to be a step-parent to their children -- I know someone whose second marriage ended, despite the fact that she and her second husband loved one another, because he and her children just could't get on as a blended family at all, in part because of his guilt at not being in contact with an estranged son of his own.

I think I'd be moving on from this one, OP. You just want different things.

I haven't read the other replies, just posting my gut instinct - I think that he feels that you are incompatible and is trying to let you down gently. Maybe he hopes that you'll break it off, so that he's not the bad guy.

And tbh - the daughter thing would be a deal breaker for me. She needs to feel very comfortable with a prospective stepfather. He hasn't "clicked" with her and he's not overly keen on being a stepdad - fair enough, but that makes him wrong for you.

Thank you for the responses

We've had another chat and he told me that he does see me in his future but has serious reservations regarding DD. DP told me he would live with me tomorrow if he could. He said that when two people adore each other like we do after 18months then it is real. I understand that he doesn't think that DD likes him and he admitted to kind of giving up with her. I told him that I can't be with someone who isn't right for DD because we come as a package and I don't want to deny her a good family life. DP told me he is waiting for that feeling to come along whereby he wants to do right by us both and that it might just take time. He said that if I want to leave him to find someone younger to have more children with then I would have his blessing but he would be heartbroken.

I think I might give it a bit more time and see if the three of us start to gel as a unit. He's a good man and kind so if the relationship between him and DD improves he would be a positive influence on her life. It's a tough one but I think it might be worth waiting a little longer to see how things progress.

I don't get how you can't get on with a 7 year old? You're right in that you cabt be with someone if it adversely affects your child. I get that he's already been through not being with his dd, having step kids and now at 50 he doesn't want to start over. But nothing is perfect and he has to decide what is more important to him.

He's only recently started to rekindle his relationship with his step-children. I've been incredibly supportive of this but am distanced from it all. There are aspects of my life whereby he keeps his distance (like my relationship with ex-H). We're incredibly respectful of each other. He does acknowledge that nothing is perfect but sometimes I just want to shake him and get him to try harder with DD. He's the adult in this!

His marriage was full of drama, he told me he needs a break from dealing with ex's. contact arrangements and child rearing. At least he's honest!

DP told me he doesn't want to lose me, he just needs time. I just want a happy life!

OP, you met this chap while he was going through a separation and divorce.
A lot of men pile enthusiastically into a relationship at such times, because they want a hand hold through the trauma, and they’re on the rebound. Once the dust settles they want a fresh start with a different woman.

I hope I’m wrong in your case, but I wouldn’t place any bets on this chap being with you long term. Sorry.

He said that if I want to leave him to find someone younger to have more children with then I would have his blessing but he would be heartbroken.

Oh what a load of bollocks. Come on! This guy has clearly told you several times that he doesn't want to step parent your DD. Or probably anybody's DD.

Keep him as a FWB if the sex is that good, but he is never going to be marriage material.

Putting all the lovey-dovey soulmate stuff aside, I think this is what it boils down to:

You want to create a family, ideally with a new child on the horizon too.

He doesn't want a family or family life by proxy. He wants a relationship where he can do what he wants and you are available to go along with that.

He doesn't want to take on the responsibility of your DD. He's not bothered about her and doesn't want to get involved with her or learn to love her.

Don't want to sound mean or harsh but I think that's what is at the root of things here.

Imo he wants out.
He just doesn't want to be the one to say it.

I don’t think you should put pressure on him to try harder with your daughter. He’s told you he doesn’t want to do it.

TwitterQueen I think you've possibly summed it up!

It's so confusing though because he tells me he doesn't want to lose me but then he's not doing anything about his relationship with DD. He's not making an effort with her. It has to come from him, I can't force it.

I interpret it as he wants to carry things on but maybe doesn't want another live in relationship (or more step parenting).

If that's good for you, carry on living separately. Works fine for loads of people.
You won't be doing your DD a disservice because you aren't denying her a "family life". You are her family!! I wouldn't assume she wants a step dad or brothers and sisters etc etc.

But if you do want to a live in relationship then it doesn't sound like he is ready for that and maybe is being a bit kind and dishonest by pretending he ever would be. By the time your DD is grown up and moved out if you're still together I think it's a bad idea to then try and change the dynamic to cohabiting (granted that's 15 odd years away anyway).

That's not what I want! I would like things to move forward and for us to share our lives together. He told me today that's what he wants too but that we can't do that at the moment.

I've just remembered something that DP share with me recently. When he told his DD very early on that he had met somebody who was his best friend and made him happy, she told him to be cautious of my feelings and not to hurt me. She was only 18 at the time. I believe she said it because DP told her he wasn't looking for another family.

When I was about 13, my mum met a new man who she adored but who didn't like children and was not interested in me at all. I could sense his dislike for me, and also found him intolerable as a person, so I didn't like him either. They were together for 5 years and my mum was planning to move him in before she eventually realised he was actually trash - like I always said he was. It got to the point where he would complain whenever my mum spent time with me because why did she need to? Why would a someone spend time with their child instead of their partner? Madness!

You can't be with someone like that. Your DD will get hurt. Trust me.

If you want a family relationship you need to find someone else. This is not what he wants and he won't change - nor should he, if he doesn't want to. You can't MAKE someone want something.

Read your OP again. he's at a point in his life where he's free from parenting responsibilities....He doesn't want to be a step-father again

He's been a father and a step father and now you're wanting him to be both again. He simply doesn't want to and you're going to cause your DD and yourself a lot of pain if you can't accept and also work around this.

You just sound different.

I’d live for the moment & see what happens, if you like him that much

UPDATE: I decided to give it a little more time to see how things progress...

We're now in a position whereby DP is applying for contracting work away so will be away Mon to Thurs. He currently rents a two bed flat and a mutual friend is vacating a fabulous three bed house just down the road. DP suggested we go for it (after talking about it with out mutual friends first - who seemed to think he was really keen to move in with me and DD). I voiced my concerns due to what happened earlier in the year and he talked me round. A week later, he changes his mind again! He's not ready to be a step-dad and wants to have freedom. He's worried that if we live together he will have two dependents because he currently earns twice as much as me and also I will lose my child benefit.

His plan now is to take on this lovely big house (that would reduce both our outgoings if we went halves) and take in two lodgers, thus living rent free. He will contract away (££££) M-T and see me at weekends. He will save money for the next two years and then buy half a house (he currently has some savings from a house sale) and I can get a mortgage for the other half. I've explained to him that there is a big risk to me that he still won't be ready to move in together after two years and I'll have pinned all of my hopes onto this and be massively let down. If things aren't working after two years then maybe they never will. At the moment it all feels very separate.

I understand that he's done the parenting thing and doesn't want to be a step-dad again. His DD has grown up and he now wants to experience freedom. He wants us to continue being boyfriend and girlfriend but I want more. He says he feels like he's letting me down all of the time and he can see the sadness in my eyes. He told me he doesn't see why I can't just be happy with how things are but I do want more. I don't want a boyfriend, I want a partner. I want to do the family thing!

The problem is, we are crazy about each other. I've never had such a good relationship. Plus, we share a friendship group and I worry that parting ways will mean I become isolated again (as a single mother) and we'd both be miserable.

Am I crazy for holding out for more? How likely is it that I'll meet some amazing man who will be willing to learn to love DD (and actually make an effort with her) and possibly even have another baby? I worry that I could potentially throw away something amazing for a dream that may never happen. But I also believe that I owe it to DD to chose a partner who wants to be in her life too and not just want me for himself.

Please can somebody talk some sense into me!!

(apologies for the rambling, I guess I'm hurting and confused)

Oh please, this guy is totally taking advantage of your good nature. He isn’t serious and wants to live a free and single life. Jog him on and find someone who loves you and your daughter as you most certainly come as a package. You are wasting your best years on a man who may never commit.

Thanks for your response :)

I didn't actually look at it that way!