We want different things...

[BusyHomemaker]

I (37, 7yo DD) have been with my boyfriend (50, 19yo DD away at uni) for around 18m. We met through friends when he was going through separation/divorce and I hadn't long recovered from an abusive relationship (very much over that one now) plus I had some family issues. We've helped each other overcome a lot in our lives... we have a deep connection and are absolutely best friends. We have such a fantastic time in each others company, we stay up all night talking, the sex is fantastic and we both agreed that if we'd met 10 years earlier we would be planning a wedding and family together... the sad fact is that is not the case.

We had a bit of a rough patch over the past few months and have been niggling/arguing but always bring it back around. Earlier in the year DP found out he was going to be made redundant in the Autumn and due to the nature of his work he will probably have to do some contracting, meaning he'll be away Mon-Fri. As a kneejerk reaction he suggested we move in together - I was over the moon by this! The next two weeks following were tense... I seemed to annoy the hell out of him! During an argument he exclaimed that he was dreading moving in together. Obviously I was devastated but I told him there was no rush, we could put a pin in it.

Fast forward to now.... things were still rocky and we had a huge talk (many talks) about our relationship. He told me that he love me to my bones, this is the best relationship he's ever had and he's never met anyone like me - I feel that same. He told me that there are some elephants in the room...

• He worries he can't give me what I want (I didn't want more children when I first met him but I told him (honestly) that if it happened I would be delighted because I've met somebody I love and can see my future with). He told me that I've grown as a person since he's known me and I'm ready to make my way in life (after some earlier set-backs). He worries that I should be with someone my own age. Also, he's at a point in his life where he's free from parenting responsibilities.

• He doesn't want to be a step-father again and doesn't really feel he's clicked with my DD (I've tried to encourage we spend time together as the three of us but he gets stressed by this and I worry how this impacts on my lovely DD)

• He carries a lot of guilt around his marriage and how that affected his DD (he moved away to marry someone new and took on step-children, believing it was the right thing to provide a family for his DD). He worries that our relationship will make him less available for his DD (who I adore).

I told him that I'm aware of these issues but all I need to know if that he sees me in his future and sees us living together one day, within the next five years... he told me he doesn't know.

He wants us to live for the now, not for the future but I can't get my head around that. I am independent, earn decent money and busy but my life is so much better with DP in it. We both value the connection that we have and I was willing to compromise on some things in the name of having a loving relationship but if he can't see me in his future after 18months then there is no future, is there?

It hurts because I know he doesn't see his future, he tells me he can't see his future. I feel gutted. I don't know whether to give it a bit more time (he is going through a lot at the moment, possibly a mid-life crisis? OMG am I the mid-life crisis??) and ease the pressure. Just enjoy each others company for as long as we can or if I am doing myself and DD a dis-service by that. I'm not necessarily looking for a step-father for DD but I do believe that if someone truly loved me they would want to be there for her too. Also, what if it never progresses and we break up in a few years time and I've missed my chance to create a family life for DD?

We're at completely different life stages but is it madness to end a relationship with someone I click so well with? What if I never have this connection again?

I think your best course of action is to make the break now, while you can both still salvage a degree of friendship from it. You don't need to lose your friendship groups if you can keep things on an even keel. Let mutual friend know that your relationship has ended but that you both remain firm friends. Tell him that you think it a good idea to let a few weeks go by before you start socialising again, to give each other time to acclimatise to things, but that you value his friendship for friendship's sake. If you see him being close to another woman while you're still a bit raw keep reminding yourself that you're not on a break - you've made a clean break & that kind of future with him isn't on the cards for you.
Neither of you have behaved wrongly or badly from what I've read here, you both simply are at different stages in life with conflicting priorities & while it's sad, you can survive without him & will.

I wonder how much more of your time your going to waste on this man.

I agree with another poster that maybe you can have a friendship down the line but as romantic partners? No, he is a 50 year old man who knows his mind and wants to keep you in your place as the 'side girlfriend'

You need to think about your daughter. You know he does not see you as a 'package deal' he believes he can keep you separate from your daughter and this is the only way he can maintain this relationship.

Moving in means confronting the fact you have a child and he have to take on a step parent role. He doesn't want to do this.

Think about this, you KNOW this man does not accept your own child yet you are still dating him? What does that say about YOU as a mother.

I also bet he has lost respect for you for continuing to date him knowing he does not like your child.

He wants you. He doesn't want you. He's not ready to be a step-dad, he is ready to be a step-dad.

He's a cheeky fucker who wants to keep you on your toes and make you think he is some amazing catch.

He isn't 'crazy' about you I'm afraid. Actions speak louder than words and he has told you on numerous occasions that he doesn't want to make an effort with your 7 year old daughter.

That's fine if that's what he wants, but you are wasting you life waiting for him whilst he is dithering about.

Make a break. Nothing will ever come of this relationship apart from heartache for you and possibly your daughter.

Has he ever actually parented any child? He left his wife and kids, he then had step-kids and he doesn't apparently have a relationship with them either.

Not really a good prospect for a woman who has a child, is he? And most definitely not someone a sane woman would consider having a child with, irrespective of all the lurve and deep connections stuff.

So yeah - never mind all the carrot dangling temptation of maybe maybe sharing a house in the oh so distant future. He wants a fwb, not a relationship - and he has told you this many times now. Why are you not listening to him?

You do realise that the only time you will live with this man is when your daughter is an adult don’t you?

And he will still have no relationship with her and she’ll feel deeply unwelcome in your home...

He might want you, but he doesn’t want your DD. He’s just saying and doing enough to keep you dangling on his hook.

If you stay with him you’ll give up your chance to have more children and your daughter will grow up knowing he didn’t want her around.

I think this big house...lodgers etc and him buying half later is a crazy idea.

Stay as you are or be done.

It's very easy blame the other person...but you are an independent woman in your own right. If this relationship isn't working and isn't going in the direction you want...for whatever reason you have the power to end it.

All this stringing along talk... you can do what you want to do, based on the information you have.

He doesn't want to be a stepdad. You want a family unit for your DD .... you need to look elsewhere and stop wasting time with him.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. I've given it a good chance... We've been on holiday with DD and I try to encourage days out together but his heart's just not in it when it comes to DD. I really did think that he just needed time to adjust but clearly I was wrong. I feel like I've given it enough time and recent developments have given me a kick up the arse!

I know what I need to do. Sadly. It'll hurt for a while but I'm pretty sure we can stay friends if I handle it delicately. We have a good group of mutual friends, some with kids around DDs age who she gets along with fantastically. In fact, that's one of the reasons I thought it might work... And upon reflection I think our friends had the same mindset. Everyone fully supports our relationship and I know some will be sad for us all when it's over.

We're going to a friends party on Saturday (with kids) so it'll have to wait until after the weekend. Then I suppose a no contact break would be sensible.

I hate this!! But I know deep down that it's what I need to do.

When I saw you had updated I knew it wasn't going to be a happy outcome.

Honestly, you cannot be friends with this man. If you stay friends there a few possible out comes but none are good for you. He will more than likely say let's be friends and then try and continue in a casual relationship, if you put your foot down he'll probably start promising that he's ready to be a step dad, settle down etc and then will bale on you again. Or you won't move on properly, hoping by waiting around he'll come to his senses and want a more serious relationship.

I see nothing but heartache here, you need a clean break while you are still young enough to have the second child and family life you want. Do not waste years on this man.

Your dd will know how he feels, kids aren’t stupid. She deserves people in her life who genuinely like her and are a positive influence.

Ah the old back and forth. I'm glad you at least know what to do now, better now than you wait and expose your DD to this man for any longer with everybody feeling uncomfortable. Ive been in a similar situation. I dont think it's just sex with a woman 13 years younger, it's infatuation and possibly a bit of love, but not real love,not the calm settled and sturdy type. I think you've been a bit sucked in and I think he's been dishonest with you, playing on your nature and desire for family life, telling you what he knows you want to hear, then pulling away.

Your DD deserves a man in your life that actually likes her, not a man who sees if he can get used to her, or wants to give up on her.

OP you really are doing the right thing, he's a time waster. It's all his way and about his needs. Be careful after the weekend that he doesn't dangle yet another carrot to keep you. Please don't fall for it. Find someone who really deserves you and welcomes your DD as part of you. I think if you allow this to limp on on a wing and a prayer you will be very disappointed in yourself in the long-term.

@WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName sorry OP can't help but agree your age gap and stages in life are far apart. I appreciate how you feel about each other and have a slightly similar situ myself in that we want different things get on well, good sex connection etc but have parted bec we both know long term it won't work.
You are in your thirties still plenty of time to meet a more family orientated person who loves your DD and may want more.
I suggest you cut your losses and try to move on. He obviously has different plans long term that's the main problem here as others have said too.
I hope that you can give it serious thought life is so short to waste on someone who wants different to you believe me please

Apologies my reply was after the last poster on page 1
Sadly a lot of men want things on their terms to see someone when it suits them us ladies need to play them at their own game I think

You will never stop being a mum to your daughter, and he will NEVER give you or her the support you both deserve. He will only ever be a wedge in your relationship with your child. You will find yourself having to appease/pick him and the relationship with your daughter will suffer for it. Even when she's an adult.

That's the truth.

You do need to listen to what he is saying to you and to remember this in the next few weeks to come ! You are guilty of weaving your desired story around what he is saying and thinking he will change his mind . He won't . TBH with you I am surprised that you have chopped and changed so much when someone obviously does not want to have his life affected by your child !

Lots of sage advice here, thank you. I am taking it all on board.

Just need to find some inner strength to go through with this. Last night DP came round and asked me what I was doing with DD over the summer. We had already spoken about this in April. I reminded him I'd planned to take her away to Whitby for a week in August and he said that maybe he could join us for a few days at the end. Then he suggested we add on a few extra days to visit his parents (who are great with DD). It's a bit confusing!

He also told me that he now has a moving day for this lovely house (that would make a fabulous fily home, grrr). We discussed how he would find lodgers. He said he's looking forward to saving money and that it would be great for the next six months or so (yeah right) or next phase of his life... I'm now properly listening to what he's telling me "or the next phase of my life" rather than what I want to hear "the next six months or so".

He's also talking about pausing on finding work as he's really busy in his job. He mentioned waiting until closer to his redundancy date. A couple of months ago he told me he's like to go travelling alone for a month after his job ends and of course I did not take that well so I'm expecting this plan will be back on the table soon...

As previous posters have said, he's looking after his own needs whilst dangling this carrot...

He's not a bad person, we just have different life goals.

This thread will give me strength over the next few weeks so thank you all for posting

Another thing that just popped into my head...

I asked DP last night if he had told his parents or his daughter about his plans to move to the bigger house and take on lodgers and he replied that he hadn't. When his parents were visiting a couple of weeks ago I overheard DP telling them that he was going to take on the new house because it was big enough to accommodate all three of us comfortably. It's like he's all over the place! I wonder what they'll make of this. Frankly, I find it embarrassing because I worry if everyone is feeling sorry for me for being so pathetic!

Good advice given already but I'd feel a bit used if it was me.
Kinda like a security blanket.

I'd say no on the holiday front.

You're not an option when he's at a loose end.

Reminds me of that song:

'Now you've had the Best of me, Come on and take the rest of me .......'

And if not - NEXT.

And another thing he's not going to like sharing with 2 lodgers, as opposed to a loving partner.

I'd let him have a taste of his so called 'single' life and pull back a bit.

(Maybe knock this weekend on the head too. )

You're doing really well & I doubt very much that anyone thinks of you as pathetic. His parents & DD have known him all their lives & are well used to him & his ways, they probably could have predicted all of this pretty accurately. I think it's more likely that they have sympathy with you which is a far cry from feeling sorry for some pathetic woman, which you're not.
Once our eyes are opened to things, when the blinkers come off, it's always easier to see & hear things for what they are rather than what we filtered them to be through our hopes & dreams. Ending it now will save you from possibly years of increasing bitterness, frustration & resentment - salvage a degree of friendship if you think you can cope with that but only up to the level you're comfortable with.
Put together a few phrases/platitudes that you have ready to respond with that end further discussion of any topics you don't want to discuss & keep reminding yourself that life - your life & your DD's life - can only get better without him whereas it would only get worse with him.

Your DD comes first, period. He doesn’t ‘click’ with your DD, meaning he isn’t all that keen on spending time with her and he also does not want to take on the Step-Father role. I’m assuming she is the biggest part of your life being your only child, why are you even considering staying with this man? You should only stay in a long term relationship with someone who accepts all of you, that includes your lovely DD! She is seven, she needs stability and to feel loved. It sounds as though this man barely even tolerates her, sack him off!

I’m sorry, it’s just there seems to be very little consideration for her. You’re focusing on the fact the sex is fantastic and you really get on with him but failing to remember your little girl matters most. Why would you want to move in with someone who doesn’t want to be around your DD? He would make her life miserable by the sounds of it!

Seems to me you are attracted to this man for the wrong reasons... big salary and nice lifestyle.. having said that if you are young and attractive you will not have trouble finding someone else your daughter will soon be in uni and want her independence... so you can the turn to services like tinder to find someone... there is no point to try and force this relationship...