Drugs at home

[Brightfuture2019]

To cut a long story short my partner who is in his early 50's has started taking cocaine (he may have done previously but I've not noticed) he stays out all weekend doesn't come home quite often. One time he left it on the kitchen worktop in a bag, second time it was in his trouser pocket. I told him then that if it came in the house again it's over. We have a young daughter 8. I've come downstairs today and there's bits of powder on kitchen floor looked around and there's a bag of it hidden on top of fridge. What shall I do, am I being unreasonable if it's only occasional use ? I'm so mad !! We've been together 16 years.

You've a young daughter. I wouldn't care how occasional this is he's out.

You’ve discussed this and said no drugs in the house (agree with this 100% when there’s young children in the house - you’re not being unreasonable) and he’s crossed your boundary. It’s not even in a safe place imagine the fall out and the consequences of your daughter found the drugs. I appreciate that it’s a big step to separate from someone but is this what you want from family life? A man who spends money on drugs, is out all weekend and often doesn’t come home?

I told him then that if it came in the house again it's over

Why are you asking "What shall I do?" You've already told him what you will do. So do it.

Why would you not? Or were just throwing an idle comment at him that you didn't actually mean? If you don't end it, he knows that you say these things and don't mean them so he can just carry on.

Frankly, if you don't leave, you'd be a shit parent. I know some people don't have a problem with drugs but the point here is you have an 8 year old daughter who could quite easily pick up that white powder on the floor and ingest it. Or find it somewhere else.

Think of your daughter and go through with your ultimatum. Anything else would be foolish.

Personally, I'd clean the floor and dispose of the cocaine down the sink.

He obviously knows it's wrong and you're against it (or why hide it?) and if he asks tell him you'll call the police next time you find that shit around your daughter.

Give him an ultimatum.
Home life or drugs.

He's not an occasional user he's a habitual user. Only someone used to taking it very regularly would be this complacent. Cocaine is an expensive drug that you don't leave lying around unless you're A wasted or B so used to taking it out, having a line that you forget to replace it in its hiding place safely.

Imagine when your daughter asks "why does daddy prefer drugs to me?"

Give a shit about her, he doesn't.

I am very lax when it comes to cocaine use but this is just not on. If your daughter found it the consequences are unthinkable. That would be it for me.

Time for him to go.
This is high risk behaviour and your daughter is at risk.
I would consider reporting to police so it scares him into rehab.
I would not let your daughter be alone with him.

He has no respect for your or your daughter. You'd told him not to bring drugs into the house again or it was over and he's not taken any notice of that and done it anyway. You need to follow through with your sanction.

You told him if it came in the house it was over.
So it’s over.
Not sure why you’ve tolerated him fucking off for whole weekends and spending money getting wasted though.

@LindaLa Give him an ultimatum

She already did. So why does she need to give him another one? She should carry through with the one she gave.

Oh Op you do know it's extremely unlikely that an man in his early 50s has "started" taking cocaine. He's just hidden it from you well until now. Even if it's been occasional use, I don't know anyone who has "started up" in their 50s.

@ShatnersWigIsActuallyAMammoth
Not sure how I missed that.

@Brightfuture2019
He has chosen. Sorry.

It's time to protect your daughter and at 8 she probably knows.

Where is he now?
Pack him a bag and drop it to him.

Tell him you'll either flush the bag or take it to police.

I know what I need to do, i am just so scared. I am breaking my family up and taking my sons dad away from him. I know its the right thing its just so hard. 16 years down the drain. I dont know what happens once i do this, i dont know how he is gonna act. The house (rented) is in my name and 98% of the stuff in it i have bought so dont see why i should uproot everything. Thougts of having to share my son are breaking me.

You are NOT taking your child's father away or breaking up the marriage-your husband's cocaine habit and recklessness is! Can you imagine what would've happened if your son had accidentally ingested the cocaine lying around? Or any animals? What about the police or social services if they knew you had illicit drugs in your home? Any drug dealers coming to get money owed from broken drug deals?

I'd flush the drugs and him away. I've no problem with drugs if you're a grown adult, but throw an 8yr old into the mix and you're asking for a tragedy.

If you've been together for 16 years and assuming that partnership has mainly been good, then is it worth trying to save your relationship? Your partner is acting incredibly selfishly but is it possible that he needs support? Do you want to save your relationship? That's an important question to answer.

If you do then perhaps you could you ask him to leave temporarily whilst he works on his drugs issues? If he doesn't have a habit and this is purely down to lifestyle choices then it might scare him into making improvements and focusing on his family.

I agree with other posters about flushing the drugs down the toilet, it was highly irresponsible of him to leave them lying openly where your son could find them. The two of you have some difficult conversations ahead - make sure he faces up to the impact of his actions.

Going against the grain slightly. I think you need to have a very frank conversation with you husband, for me drugs is a deal breaker, there is no way I would allow it around my children, but given you've been together 16 years, have a child and have built a life together it's not just as easy as to leave him. Give him the opportunity to give up the drugs for the sake of your family. You need to tell him drug use in any form is unacceptable if he wants to keep you both in his life, and you need to mean it.
Your son needs to be put first and if he cannot or will not do that then your only option is to leave him. But for the sake of your son and your relationship give him the chance to give it up for you.
If I understood you op you said if it was in the house he would be gone, why do you feel it is ok for him to do it as long as it's not in the house? Your obviously aware these are mind altering substances. From my own experiences no one is safe around people on drugs.
That is why I feel your stance should be absolutely no drugs.

Op he was made aware of the consequences, I am so sorry your having to make these tough choices because he can’t stop.

He will likely try and turn on you that you are breaking up the relationship please remind him he chose this by his lack of care for the children by bribing dangerous substances into the house.

He will need to leave, perhaps there is the option he clean himself up and then you can consider taking him back as it is an addiction cocaine is not easy for all to quit:-
www.talktofrank.com/get-help/find-support-near-you

Have a look at this website see if there are any support groups ... for you if not him ( as a victim of drugs)

He will need to do it for himself though if he does it for you then hate to break it to you but it’s not going to work he needs to accept he has a problem.

I was a smoker and it’s a drug that I had to quit for me and it was hard and I relapsed once and touch wood been off it for 5 years but I couldn’t quit for anyone but me.

Look after your kids and point him in the right direction when he is ready but live your life as you may be waiting a long time.

I do hope everything works out for you and your kids be it with or without your husband

Big hugs x x x

@purpleboy
I hate drugs any type of drugs. I dont want him to take them at all, they make me scared of him when he comes home. I cant stop him taking them he doesnt listen to me so they are banned from the house. He is missing from the house most weekends. He lost his job and refuses to get a new one. He does absolutely nothing round the house. I am covering the bills with my part time wage and doing everything. I dont drive so have to get all food shopping myself, do all the school runs literally everything whilst he is out doing whatever he is doing.

@Middlrm

Thank you so much for your kind words. I totally understand everyone just saying get rid of him but its so easy to just tell someone to do that.

I am doing this for my child, she needs to come first. People have told me for many years to get rid of him. He has had plenty of warnings. Im just so scared of what the future holds.

If you're not married to him and the lease is in your sole name, change the locks. And tell him if he gives you any shit, you're going to the police and telling them everything. Bag up his belongings and arrange to have them sent to him.

If he isn't working how the hell is he paying for coke? It's not cheap! He's either using your money or he's dealing to support his habit. Either one is endangering your and your DC's security and safety.

Then from the sounds of it you only really have one option.
Your carrying the complete load whilst also worrying about what state he will be in when he gets home. He gives nothing to this relationship and no help around the home.
What does he actually give you?
I'm not a believer of staying with someone for the sake of the kids, when it actually sounds like you would both be better off without him.
It sounds like you have already spoken to him and if he still isn't willing to change then I don't think you have any other option but to leave him.
It won't be easy but you have to put yourself and your child's wellbeing first.
Lots of hugs to you, it's such a difficult situation to be in. Xx

What are you so scared of?. Fear of him, fear of the unknown?.

You banned drugs from your home but these were still found in your kitchen. There are still really no consequences for his actions here from you.

His primary relationship is with drugs; its not with you. Do not also get further hung up on the sunken costs fallacy; by doing that too you forget here that the damage has already been done.

Are you codependent in relationships. I would read about codependency and see how much of that links in with your own behaviours. Why are his needs here seemingly more important than your own?.

All you're doing now is enabling him and that only gives you a false sense of control. That is probably why you enable him, to keep a sense of control in a situation that is out of control. Do you also think that this man would want anything to do with his child once gone, in all likelihood any contact arrangements would be broken. He is also showing no indication whatsoever that he is admitting to dependency. If he also did want to give up drugs then he needs to do so without any input from you, you cannot make him do that.

He has broken up this family unit by his actions; he is the one who has done this and of his own free will as well. He made a choice to take cocaine; no-one forced him to say yes.

Where is he getting the money if he doesn't work? Cut off any access to your income/household funds.

Your child, as well as you actually, need to come first now. Putting him first has cost you and this person dearly and in so many ways.

Your future with a drug addicted partner would be a lot more uncertain going forward that it would be if he was not in your day to day lives.