Drugs at home

[Brightfuture2019]

To cut a long story short my partner who is in his early 50's has started taking cocaine (he may have done previously but I've not noticed) he stays out all weekend doesn't come home quite often. One time he left it on the kitchen worktop in a bag, second time it was in his trouser pocket. I told him then that if it came in the house again it's over. We have a young daughter 8. I've come downstairs today and there's bits of powder on kitchen floor looked around and there's a bag of it hidden on top of fridge. What shall I do, am I being unreasonable if it's only occasional use ? I'm so mad !! We've been together 16 years.

I agree with the sentiments of the vast majority of posters, but setting aside the issues of what he puts up his nose and his leaving it lying about the house, there is also his going out at weekends and simply not coming home.

How do feel about someone who regularly does that? It isn't the habit of a person who is committed to his partner and family. I'd be very angry about other aspects of this as well: unless he is mega-rich the money for his drug habit must have some adverse effect on family finances. Basically, he has put cocaine ahead of you, and his child; for that he would be out of the home and your lives.

I would take photos at least. I don't know how it would work but if he were to decide suddenly he wants DC one night at the weekend if you have no evidence of what he's been up to then surely that would be incontestable? I'm not sure if going to the police would cover you on this.

The goal is to protect DC, which won't happen if he's able to spend unsupervised time alone with her.

I am doing this for my child, she needs to come first.*

You already know your child is unsafe if there are drugs in your home. How would you feel if they came across the bag and tried what was in it? How would you explain that to Social Services, the hospital or the police?

People have told me for many years to get rid of him. He has had plenty of warnings. Im just so scared of what the future holds.*

He does not believe your warnings because you have not followed through on them.

Surely the future would be better- if slightly scary at first - than being with this uncaring person (disappears over the weekend, leaves drugs lying around at home where his child can access it, not being an equal (anything like!) partner in contributing to the home via outside work, doing his share at home etc).

You know what you need to do OP. If not for yourself then for your child. I hope you have the strength to do what you know is the right thing. 🌹

@Happynow001
He says he will change stop going out, stop drugs, make an effort. But this is cause we have never got to this point before. I just dont have the energy to fight anymore. I dont think i believe what he is saying, maybe yes he will change but not for long. Ive tried and tried, he just doesnt listen. I just want to be happy and not worry about being moaned at if i go out once in a blue moon, or having family over, not being accused of cheating on him 24/7.

I just want to be happy and not worry about being moaned at if i go out once in a blue moon, or having family over, not being accused of cheating on him 24/7

OK, this is far, far, far more than just about drugs, clearly. Presumably this is just a final straw, although clearly you should have come to the conclusion he's an arsehole long before now.

He says he will change stop going out, stop drugs, make an effort.

And he can jolly well do all that without living in your home. But he won't. One of the things they tell families of addicts is "You didn't cause this, you can't control this, you can't cure this". This is 100% his problem to handle.

The only thing you have to do is protect yourself and your children. And the only way to do that is to kick him out. Now. You will be financially better off. You will be emotionally better off. And you will be physically better off, safety-wise.

A bit of 'ancient history' and a piece of advice. Back in the '80s (yes I'm old) I had a friend whose DP was a very very low level coke dealer. Sold to support his habit, probably like your DP is doing. I had DS1 by then and going to her house made me uncomfortable as I knew there were drugs in the house. I spoke to a friend who was a SW and she told me my instincts were right on. That if there was a raid on the house when I was there and drugs were found that the police weren't going to give a shit if I said "Oh but I'm just visiting!!!". That I would likely be arrested and have the book thrown at me because I had my toddler in a house where I knew drugs were. It wasn't worth the risk so I refused to go to her house and the friendship was lost. Small price to pay.