Feeling fat and fed up

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My partner has always had a 'way' with words. Tact is not his strong suit.
Sometimes it's endearing sometimes he can be quite hurtful.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, not planned. My hope was to lose a bit of weight before pregnancy but clearly it's too late for that now.

My partner frequently expresses an issue with my weight. Mainly that he feels because I'm a tad overweight i do not look after myself.
My view... He should love me no matter what my size and I feel it shallow of him that my size be a problem for him. Especially since I was bigger when we first got together.

Today he probably made me feel the lowest I can feel. Aparantly he now feels due to my weight I bring nothing to our relationship.
He earns far more than me so clearly contributes more financially. However I do all the cooking, cleaning and help him to raise his two daughters.

AIBU? I don't feel during pregnancy this is something I can resolve.

Well he won't change, question is how long are you going to put up with this. He'll get worse the more your pregnancy progresses.

You could tell him to fuck off, go on strike if you contribute nothing. Show him what that looks like.

Oh wow OP. How upsetting, very callous. Did he really say that you bring nothing because you are big? What precipitated this comment?

I'm so sorry, OP, that is awful and no one's partner should say that to them. You are worth more than that x

The conversation went as follows:
OH: what's that in the oven?
Me: pie.
OH: oh good I like pie. You look like you like pie.
Me: wow that's just what a girl wants to hear at 16 wks pregnant
OH: well if you looked after yourself more perhaps you'd contribute more to this relationship...
Me: I suggest you go back in the other room. I think you've said enough!! BTW, I have been contributing all day but as per usual it goes unnoticed (cleaned kitchen, living room, bathroom, done washing, loaded and unloaded dishwasher twice, cooked homemade pie for dinner)
OH: well maybe just try to make a bit more effort?

At this point I just refused to continue the conversation.

Then stop, if you contribute nothing then do nothing. Tell him to make his own tea from now on.

So your value to him is solely based on how much you weigh?

Wow. Do you think he really believes what he said? I'm not sure I'd want to come back from that.

Is he God's gift?

Jesus. if you were less pregnant I would say have a termination and get the fuck out of town so you have no ties to this man.

Currently sadly you’re tied to this mother fucker for the rest of your life now.

How and when you get out is up to you, but one day you will. Even if it’s not your choice. These men either leave you for someone else, or you wake up and smell the coffee before that happens.

I hope you take the latter option

That has noting to do with tact. He's a nasty misogynist.
Leave him for the sake of your baby.

I’d put the whole pie on my plate, give him none and say “Who ate all the pie? Oh I did!” Let the cf make his own food.

What a dick.

When he gets like this I try to speak to him afterwards and explain that his words are hurtful and don't make me feel good.
His response is normally something along the lines of 'why do always resort to talk g about your feelings?' I say 'because you hurt my feelings!' his reponse 'oh stop being a snowflake!'

I'm so glad to hear I'm not being overly sensative like he seems to think.

Whether our relationships continues, I really don't know.

I think deep down I know I deserve better. I can't seem to make that jump and do what's best for me and my baby. I end up feeling guilty or worry I've overreacted.

We were friends for 10 yrs before getti g together too. He's only been this way in the last yr or two. I can't work out why.

Because he's a massive twat OP and you are a good person, trying to do good by a massive twat. Do good by you x

I have tried to stop doing the housework in the past to show him how things would be if I didn't 'contribute... We then just end up living in a pig sty and that just makes me feel stressed and disgusting so I end up doing it anyway.

I would walk away OP. He sounds so unpleasant I would not want to be around him at all. What a tosser!

meandwinealone

Currently sadly you’re tied to this mother fucker for the rest of your life now.”

Why? Obviously a father has certain rights, but they don’t tie OP to him for the rest of her life at all.
Extremely unhealthy for a child to be brought up in a household where one parent obviously has so little respect for the other. Far better to be brought up in a single parent household with love and respect.

OP: of course it’s not ideal purely from a health point of view to be significantly overweight and once your baby is born it’s sonething you can work on long-term if you decide that’s what you want to do. Now is most certainly not the time to be trying to lose weight. Just focus on getting a really nutritious, balanced diet, talk to your midwife about any supplements you might need and maybe a little gentle exercise, swimming where you’re supported, walks in the fresh air (but again certainly not the time to start any sort of vigorous exercise regime). What your extremely unkind and/or thoughtless partner thinks is really neither here or there right now. Just concentrate on you and your baby’s health and enjoy your pregnancy.

I don't understand how your weight impacts your contribution. It makes no sense. Would he rather you were size 8 but just sat on your arse and didn't lift a finger? He's just being nasty and seems to have decided your size is the best way to hurt you (especially at a time when you can't do anything about it!) And the 'stop being a snowflake' comment just shows that he doesn't care about your feelings OP. You can do so much better than this man. I hope when you're ready you can find the strength to leave him and find someone else who appreciates you and who cares how you feel.

Well, he's not your friend any more.

You're not contributing because you're overweight? Errr.....what are abs contributing to a relationship

Absolutely fuck all!

He sounds like a chauvinist pig to be honest.

Oh just seen he called you a "snowflake".

He's been spending too much time in the YouTube comments, trolling, and now he has brought the same attitude to his partner.

My blood is boiling for you because I can imagine exactly what sort of bloke he is. Very fucking "edgy".

How does he treat his daughters?

I'm a size 14 and carry most of my weight in my bum.
I walk too and from work 5 days a week (1/2 hr walk each way!) I don't drive so walk pretty much everywhere I go.
I try to eat healthily, have dieted in the past and food became such an obsession.
Now I'm pregnant I've increased me fruit and veg intake. Have also quit smoking and drinking.
I don't go to the gym but I wouldn't say I'm lazy. Most of my spare time is either spent doing housework or more recently sleeping due to pregnancy.

I work extremely hard in my job and am often under a lot of pressure. I can't help the fact my salary is significantly lower than his.

Yes I am a little overweight however I don't feel my weight is an issue. Certainly not one that should have an impact on a relationship. I could sort of understand if my weight was so bad it was having a direct effect of my health.

As a woman my weight is my own battle to face. I feel he should be telling me I'm beautiful. Especially now I'm showing and only going to get bigger over the next few months.

The last thing I need is his spiteful judgement.

I hate feeling so poor me. I'm just so upset and annoyed that he felt talking to me like that was OK.

Oh my god, just leave the nasty arsehole.

You really, really do deserve better than this creep.

Don't try to justify yourself to anyone, it wouldn't matter what size you are you don't deserve to be spoken to like this. It appears from this that you are a kind, loving and hard working person, all of that is far more important than how you look. He is treating you with utter contempt and disrespect, if you could at all I would walk out now. Pack your bags, go to a friends/family member and don't speak to him for at least 2 weeks, until you have your head sorted. Leave it entirely up to home to sort his home, children etc

When you say you look after his DDs, are they your stepchildren?

Clearly his behaviour isn't a one off. It's not worth arguing with him. Much better to end the relationship and co-parent.

Do ensure the baby has your surname, as you'll probably end up going it alone.

Saying you look like pie was very hurtful and not something you'd say to someone you love or respect.

He's shown you who he is...it's down to you to decide if he gets the opportunity to do it again by being in a relationship with him.

The more you put up with it, the more he thinks it's acceptable to you, or you don't have the guts to end it/or love him too much to do so.

What a prick! He does realise you're pregnant? Does he expect you to diet now? And may we ask how much of an Adonis this scrotum is?