Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do if...

34 replies

UserFran43 · 24/03/2019 11:41

You heard your SO saying as follows to a friend whilst out for dinner as two couples:

"Well you know after so many years it's just hard work".
Something about grass being greener.
"I have it all, money, nice home, business, so my doctor says depression could be to do with my relationship."
"I look out for number 1 now as xyz doesn't want to know"

In the context of having supported this person with their unmanaged MH (depression and borderline personality disorder) for 10+ years despite associated behaviours having a huge impact on your own life/ health.

OP posts:
Original poster
UserFran43 · 24/03/2019 13:02
  • sorry I don't seem to be able to edit the main post from my mobile but wanted to add in case anyone reads that there is alot more context to this, in regards to SO's irrational/ inconsistent/ manipulative behaviour. On it's own perhaps this sounds a bit pathetic.
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 24/03/2019 13:05

I'd look at the relarionship and talk to them about their feelings.

They don't owe you the rest of their life.

Original poster
UserFran43 · 24/03/2019 13:34

Thanks for the reply. I have been looking long and hard at the relationship. Currently it feels as though this may be the cherry on top of past events. Talking generally results in him gaslighting, deflecting behaviours to his MH and me feeling unheard. To be clear it is me that has supported him, not the other way around.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/03/2019 13:40

As someone that has been on both sides, if he isn't actively seeking professional support and putting effort into managing their MH leave before they destroy you.

SandyY2K · 24/03/2019 15:46

It sounds like he's satisfied with every aspect of his life except your relationship.

I'd think about suggesting a break from the relationship, as he's clearly not happy after that comment.... which I'd tell him you heard.

It may have been the doctors suggestion, but he didn't refute it..so I'd say he agrees with it.

Original poster
UserFran43 · 25/03/2019 10:04

Thank you for the replies. I didn't do so well at explaining things yesterday.

In a nutshell my SO is not happy with everything else in his life or ultimately content with himself. At 50, whilst outwardly high functioning he struggles with lifelong issues re. identity and attachment. After years of encouragement to do so he recently went to his GP and was dx with depression. Coming from a prof MH background myself and being with him for 10+ years I am aware that BPD is the root cause of his difficulties, both in and outside of our relationship. The reason that he attended the GP was that I left the house and stated that if he continued to avoid dealing with his MH and instead projecting everything he was feeling onto me/ the relationship we did not have a future together.

He routinely goes from telling different people that I am 'the love of his life, the best thing that has ever happened to him, have always been so hugely supportive, to making comments such as the above. This has led to issues with his friends and family as he is very good at appearing sincere in his comments and as they are not aware of anything that we have been through, or the extent to which he struggles with his MH take him at his word. This is of course to an extent my fault as I have allowed it to go on for so long.

Currently I am aware that I still have some acculmulated resentment regarding my SO's behaviour throughout our relationship. Previously there was a period of EA/ FA (which has had many practical and emotional consequences for me personally). Since this time I have been patient, supportive and encouraged healthy boundaries. I have been clear about what I will and will not tolerate in the relationship.

Until recently I was beginning to think that we had genuinely turned a corner. Perhaps I have been fooling myself as I wanted to believe that things could change. It is a vicious circle as he tells me that he 'needs' me to be more physically affectionate and loving towards him, whilst In order to be able to do so I need to feel emotionally secure and heard, which currently I do not. I do not think that I am unusual in that feeling heard and valued enables me to be more loving and affectionate. For me the former foster respect and trust, which are pivotal to physical intimacy.

I have previously sought individual therapy to work through things that have happened in our relationship and how I came to be there.

Christ I have just realised how long this is. Apologies for waffling on and thanks in advance of any thoughts.

OP posts:
troubleswillbeoutofsight · 25/03/2019 10:32

Until recently I was beginning to think that we had genuinely turned a corner. Perhaps I have been fooling myself as I wanted to believe that things could change
You'll know with a professional MH background that this is highly unlikely without him recognising that BPD is the cause of the problem. Even them he'd need to put in some real work to effect change ( if change is indeed possible but MH professionals appear to think that DBT can work) Is he likely to approach a medic, be honest and accept treatment? Or is he more likely to say there's 'nought wrong with me, it's the others'? Have you discovered the site BPD family forum, it's very good

RandomMess · 25/03/2019 10:55

Thing is it's all about him and his wants/needs/feelings...

What about you, when does your happiness gat a look in?

MzHz · 25/03/2019 11:01

Love, he’s not a patient, you aren’t going to make him better, because you know you can’t - only he can change because he wants to.

The only time he did anything was when you left, which proves that he CAN change if he wants to. How he treats you is how he wants to treat you.

The only thing you can control is IF you want to put up with it.

Original poster
UserFran43 · 25/03/2019 11:09

@troubleswillbeoutofsight thank you for taking the time to reply. I do understand the unliklihood of any real and longstanding change, however suppose I am not being as objective as I need to be. Over recent weeks I have noticed a gradual reappearance of gaslighting and small lies, which after the historic EA I find concerning. I will check out the BPD family forum - thanks for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
UserFran43 · 25/03/2019 11:22

@MzHz thank you. I am aware he is not a patient, and certainly do not see him as such. I see him as a man that I still care a great deal for, with whom I hoped that it may be possible to build a future. Unfortunately I have come to the realisation that unless I am happy to disregard my own needs and self worth and accept/ pander to his behaviours (which I am not) this is not going to be the case.

OP posts:
SconesandTea · 25/03/2019 11:30

It sounds a lot like projection but what do you actually want from him in the relationship? Maybe start from that as it seems your needs have been pushed aside.

HollowTalk · 25/03/2019 11:34

I think you would be much, much happier if you left this man. He is a drain on you and is blaming you, too. Is that possible in financial terms?

Original poster
UserFran43 · 25/03/2019 11:39

Hi @sconesandtea what I want is to feel heard and valued for who I am. When I say heard and valued I mean even in simple respects. For example I tell him something and he is able to recall this at a later date. At the moment I feel that I can say something and he does not listen/ remember, yet seems to take on board things that are said by others.

OP posts:
Original poster
UserFran43 · 25/03/2019 12:46

@HollowTalk it is quite draining to be honest. Not least because outwardly nobody has a clue. This has in the past caused me to feel like I am losing the plot but I have now detached myself enough to consistently see it for what it is. We recently spent 5 months living separately and I did feel so much better - at the risk of sounding sappy, as though I could be myself again and breath.

OP posts:
Original poster
UserFran43 · 25/03/2019 22:09

Well having wanted to keep the peace this evening until putting together an action plan things just got considerably more inflamed. He now doesn't remember what he said the other night (having brought it up) and expects me to gloss over everything and give him kisses and cuddles as though all is well. Then when I can't i'm told im overthinking it... "god what is wrong with you"... Am I being unreasonable to not be able to zap back into hugs and kisses mode? I just tried to keep things light in conversation and he brought it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
UserFran43 · 25/03/2019 22:10

Oh and then he is "too ill to put up with this"

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/03/2019 22:15

You need to end it...

Original poster
UserFran43 · 25/03/2019 22:30

Thanks randommess, yes I do. However am not in a position to stay anywhere else with immediate effect so do not want to do so without having practicalities sorted.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 25/03/2019 22:33

Too much effort. It doesn't sound like you're getting much out of this relationship, and tbh, he probably IS too ill to be the partner you want him to be. Finish it, and move on.

RandomMess · 25/03/2019 22:37

KOKO Thanks

8FencingWire · 25/03/2019 22:39

Sounds toxic. He is ill and there isn’t a lot you can do.
I don’t know your circumstances, but I would really focus on moving on.

MzHz · 25/03/2019 22:45

He is abusing you.

You know this

You also know the score, he won’t change, he doesn’t want to, and it will only ever get worse and worse.

I’m sorry, it’s a relationship that must be ended, you will be happy, but never with that man.

The longer you stay with him, the longer you’ll be putting off being happy, loved and valued

I know it’s crap where you are, I’ve been there. I’ve also rebuilt my life and am truly happy and living better than I ever imagined

There is love and happiness in the other side of this, but it’ll never happen if you don’t let go of this person who’s sucking the life and joy out of you

(((Hug)))

Happynow001 · 26/03/2019 01:24

He now doesn't remember what he said the other night (having brought it up) and expects me to gloss over everything and give him kisses and cuddles as though all is well. Then when I can't i'm told im overthinking it... "god what is wrong with you"...

Does he really "not remember" or is he gaslighting you? Are you a robot to give him kisses and cuddles when you are still internationally reacting to whatever was said before?^

I'm afraid I'm going to agree with other PP's that there is no future for you as a couple and that you need to make your plans to leave this relationship.
^
We recently spent 5 months living separately and I did feel so much better - at the risk of sounding sappy, as though I could be myself again and breath.^

If/when you are tempted to try again to save this relationship remember this ^. Make your plans (discreetly) and move on without him as soon as you can. Good luck. 🌹

Happynow001 · 26/03/2019 01:27

Oops sorry. "Internally" not "internationally". And sorry for bold fail.