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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separated, and my husband attempted suicide

28 replies

HecticAmy · 24/03/2019 10:55

I am a mum of 4 and staying in a womans aid refuge, after separating from my husband. He was controlling. Since this he made a strong attempt at suicide, but was found. Following this I have tried to be supportive and maybe have given him hope we will get back together, but his controlling has returned in small signs I see, and I know I just can't go back to this.
My issue is any time I say anything negative about relationship etc I'm left terrified he will attempt this again. I don't know how I'd live with the thought I caused this, but it cannot be a reason to go back to him. Any advice or experience that could help me?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 24/03/2019 10:59

If he's willing to kill himself just in order to manipulate and punish you, is there a chance he could also be a danger to you and/or the children? I wouldn't be certain he didn't make it more likely he'd be found in time than not.

Be ruthless in your assessment, don't feel bad about being really honest here. That he is dangerous to your family absolutely radiates off the page to me.

DawgLover · 24/03/2019 11:00

I'm so sorry for the stress that you are under, have you considered that his suicidal behaviour is at least in part another way of holding you hostage through guilt?

You are not responsible for this man's mental health, or his actions. The best thing you can do is be clear that it is over, and push him in the direction of the mental health professionals it sounds like he needs.

Original poster
HecticAmy · 24/03/2019 11:03

Thanks I just need to be more honest with him and I'm now worried I've made things worse being supportive and saying anything is possible. I was just so scared and sad he did that.

OP posts:
MrsSpenserGregson · 24/03/2019 11:05

You haven't caused this, you really haven't.

He is responsible for his own actions.

why1stheRumgon3 · 24/03/2019 11:06

I'm sorry you're going through this. I was in the same position as you. He would assault me, i would leave he would threaten suicide or cut him self and I would go back. This happened for a year and a half. Then after he broke 2 ribs and my nose again I left for the last time. That night he threatened to commit suicide but I knew I couldn't go back. He hung himself that night.

If he harms himself it is not you who has caused this. I still feel misplaced guilt. I am now in a new relationship with a wonderful man and we have an 8 month old dd. Put you and your children first. Help him from a distance if you must but look after yourself.

TheLongRider · 24/03/2019 11:06

Have a handhold and some Flowers.

You are absolutely NOT responsible for his actions. You did the right thing in getting out.

If he is threatening suicide then report it to his GP or the police. He is not your responsibility. Get as much real life support as you can.

InfiniteSheldon · 24/03/2019 11:06

It's just yet more control you can't change him, you can only change you.

Original poster
HecticAmy · 24/03/2019 11:06

I know the control is returning as he said don't listen to your workmates who say don't go back to him, and just listen to the kids! The kids don't know the half of it.. so they would obviously want to go back to a nice big house with their toys and friends.

Also going forward my name isn't on the mortgage, part of the control I'm sure, but if he sells what do I get?

OP posts:
saturdaycoffee · 24/03/2019 11:08

It’s not your fault, or your responsibility. Please, please don’t go back to him because of this. Prioritise yourself, and your safety, and your happiness. I’m sorry he has attempted suicide but he is an adult, and there is support available to him. That support does not have to be from you

Hoosey · 24/03/2019 11:08

The attempted suicide is an attempt to control you. If someone wants to kill themselves they will. Don’t let him back in, you can do this. He is responsible for his own actions. Look after you and your kids.

AnyFucker · 24/03/2019 11:09

Cut contact with him. He is manipulating you. If he kills himself that is on him. One less controlling man in the world would not be such a bad thing, IMO

I presume there was a good reason for your entry into the refuge and you have got help and support from professionals. Are they aware of what dangerous game you are playing with this abusive man ?

Quartz2208 · 24/03/2019 11:16

It’s ok to choose yourself. Any choice he makes is on him and him alone. Not you.

But you do need to make a clean break and cut contact. It was bad enough you need a refuge you must never go back

House wise you are married so joint asset I would assume but for that you need legal advice to start the divorce process

Original poster
HecticAmy · 24/03/2019 11:17

He is going to counselling, for loosing his mum and also sometimes using cocaine. He accused me of all sorts. But now he wants me back he blames everything he has done on the depression as it's an illness, but won't take responsibility for how he has made me feel for so long.

I just worry so much people would blame me, my kids would blame me, if he did something x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/03/2019 11:22

Unless you hold the gun to his head/force the tablets down his throat/press that knife across his wrists you are not responsible

He is a grown man. His behaviour has consequences and he must face them on his own account.

I will ask you again. What do the professionals involved in your case think about you providing support to a man that has abused drugs and abused you ?

PicsInRed · 24/03/2019 11:24

HecticAmy, if you were responding to me about being more honest with him...NO, please, that's not what I meant.

Do not attempt to engage with him at all about this. He is potentially a risk to you and your kids. What I meant was for you to be really honest WITH YOURSELF about how dangerous this man really is to you and your kids. Is there something whistling quietly away in the very back of your mind that this guy might hurt (kill) you and your kids?

Be really honest. With yourself. Put aside guilt about feeling that you're being "unkind" about him and "not being understanding enough" and just be very, brutally honest. But dont tell him what you're thinking. That won't help.

Make sure you tell your caseworker about the suicide attempt and ongoing threats.

Flowers
Original poster
HecticAmy · 24/03/2019 11:31

Sorry I'm new on here not sure how to respond to certain comments..
My support are okay, a bit vague sometimes as she is in training. I think I may go get some more help elsewhere too. I haven't really said how much I've been in contact with him to my support as I hardly ever see her, she came and saw me when he was calling my work before the suicide attempt, and to the housing interview. She just keeps saying sorry she hasn't seen me much but her days off and my work days don't work out well for catching up! Regarding him getting help, I've no idea how honest he is with these councillors and if he tells the whole truth... or that he is just so sad about loosing his mum.

OP posts:
MzHz · 24/03/2019 11:31

They will blame HIM for killing himself, not you.

He knew he’d be found, he planned it that way.

How exactly are you being supportive? If by phone/text, leave it longer and longer before replying. Then gradually stop.

Then change your number and leave him to it.

The kids won’t benefit from contact with him, in fact he’s more dangerous now than ever, he could very well kill your kids to get back at you. Protect them, you are all they have. Make it count

(((Hug))) you can do this, stay out and stay safe

MzHz · 24/03/2019 11:34

You need a new support worker, you’re in danger here and she’s not there for you. Speak to someone about this and get things rejigged

This is important

YOU are important

AnyFucker · 24/03/2019 11:35

People who are sad about the loss of a parent don't earn the right to abuse people.

Berthatydfil · 24/03/2019 11:36

If you are married you can register an interest in the house on the land registry records so don’t feel you have to go back to secure the house for you and your children.

Threatening suicide is a classic tactic of an abusive person.
Please remember that unless you actually participate in the act it isn’t and never will be your fault.

If he threatens again report him to the police rinse and repeat.

Original poster
HecticAmy · 24/03/2019 11:43

When I first moved out I phoned the police so they are aware.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 24/03/2019 13:22

My husband overdosed in November after we had been separated since end of April, he sent me a goodbye email and I found him in time.
He ended up sectioned for 3 weeks.

Our marriage breakup was 100% his fault and in his mind we were always going to get back together - when he realised I had moved on and was chatting to other men he couldn't handle it.

I personally think it was emotional blackmail as this has worked in the past when he has had emotional affairs but this time I did not let it work.

I felt so much guilt that he had done this because I had ended the marriage but then I realised it was his choice to take the tablets and I cannot be held accountable.

If he succeeds in the future no doubt I will have some guilt but at the end of the day if he sees suicide as his only option who am I to stand in the way - it was his choice to do what he did throughout our marriage and his choice to take his life.

We are friends at the moment but this is so we can co-parent our daughter although she is 16 and doesn't need much parenting!!!

Som

Bluesmartiesarebest · 24/03/2019 13:41

A lawyer could help you get a divorce settlement, so there is no reason to have anything to do with your abusive husband. Please don’t put yourself and your children in danger out of a sense of guilt. It was his choice to attempt suicide, just as it was his choice to control you to the point that you had to escape to a refuge. Stop talking to him and only communicate by email because he is still controlling you. Could you change your phone number or block him? You only need to communicate about your children, nothing else.

GlossyTaco · 24/03/2019 13:47

My abusive exh attempted suicide a couple of weeks after I left him. It was indeed yet another attempt to control me.

A couple of months later he had a girlfriend , she was someone he knew when we were together. I was , at this point , still struggling to my life back together after years of abuse from him.

I know it's hard right now but focus on you and keep setting small goals for yourself.

category12 · 24/03/2019 13:51

You really shouldn't be in so much contact with him. It's just dragging things out and you're not a therapist, OP, you can't cure what ails him. And if he was a decent guy and had done right by you, you wouldn't have fled to a refuge. If he threatens suicide, call the emergency services if the threat seems immediate, and his family or MH team.

As you're married you're entitled to a share of the marital assets, such as the house, whether your name is on the mortgage or not.

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