Husband's secret phone

[M8351]

Please ignore the thread title. I think my ex partner is stalking me and I don't want to risk him finding this. I've also NC.

I need some advice, and recommendations for a good lawyer. I left an abusive relationship one year ago. We weren't married, no children. Six years of coercive control, physical and verbal abuse, one incident of anal rape.

I don't want to go into too many details but he won't leave me alone. The police have been called many times to deal with him in the past so now he is hiding behind the veil of a threatening solicitor's letter demanding £15K and threats to take me to court if I don't pay up. His claims are unsubstantiated and it's full of lies, but it's a very complicated situation. Even if I paid him the money, I know he won't go away because it's about intimidation and revenge. The letter also says that he denies all allegations I have ever made against him.

He's deranged and very clever. He knows exactly how to manipulate me and push my buttons. I know about some of the things he did to his ex (and that was only his version, God knows her side of the story). I'm terrified of him. Not just his aggression but of what he did to try to destroy his ex's life and what he's trying to do to destroy mine. I don't think he'll stop until he destroys me.

I have had some support from the police and we have discussed my options for pursuing his offences. This has to be a last resort because I know the process and I'm not strong enough to cope with an investigation. I know he will make counter allegations and my life will be ripped to shreds.

I need to find a SH solicitor to deal with this. Somebody sympathetic who specialises in domestic violence. Somebody to make him go away. Can anybody help?

Holy shit. I really don't know how you can combat this without going down the police route, unless you can get a restraining order against him. Does he have form on this? Any previous convictions?

It sounds like you are dealing with one of those Cluster B personality disorder types. Absolute fucking nightmare. Do please contact Women's Aid for advice. 0808 2000 247

I've just looked up Cluster B PDs and antisocial PD describes him exactly.

Not sure about previous convictions. On multiple occasions he filmed his ex when they were having sex, she had no idea. He sent it to members of her family. This is the sort of behaviour that terrifies me. I'm 99.9% certain he will have done this type of thing to me too, to use as ammunition later on.

I've been trying to contact Women's Aid but I can't get through. I will keep trying.

Can you move, change numbers, get as far away from him as possible to get some breathing space and into a place where you could be strong enough to pursue the police angle? What in real life support do you have?

It sounds awful.

Sicario is right re contacting Women’s Aid.
Is there any substance to his claim that you owe him money?
If not, will he take you to court? Some people think a Solicitor’s letter has magic properties and a threat of court action is sufficient to make you do as they want.
I would write down every pertinent incident in your relationship in preparation as evidence for a possible court case or restraining order.

Did he tell you of the stuff he did to his Ex after you split up?

I'm sorry, this sounds awful.

Do you have children together?

I don't want to give too many details about what he's claiming because I'm very concerned he might find this thread somehow. I don't think I owe him any money but he's trying to make it look like I do. For example, by asking for me to pay for everything he ever bought me as a gift (and he was very generous. I shouldn't have been so naive), except now he's claiming they weren't gifts. He's also asking for money for things he bought that have nothing to do with me, plus some outright malicious lies.

Sandy, he told me about it while we were in the relationship and even showed me the videos (I refused to watch) and an email he sent to members of her family. I've been so very stupid but I didn't know how to leave. I was in an extremely vulnerable position when we met.

From the OP NotTheFordType

We weren't married, no children.

So will hazard a guess that she doesn't .

Go to the police. 💐

He has not got a leg to stand on. Go to the police and report him for harassment. He wont listen to a solicitor, and he gets to engage with you if you respond. Report him now.

please contact these people - they will be able to help you
paladinservice.co.uk/

I did report him again when I received the letter but they said that unfortunately, because it's come through a solicitor, it's not criminal.

Paladin looks useful, thank you.

Can you contact his ex?

Definitely go to the police. Blackmailing you with secretly filmed videos is a crime. If you tell the police about this beforehand, and then he tries to distribute the videos he'll be in a world of trouble.

You don't owe him for any gifts he bought you, please don't feel guilty about that. I'm surprised any solicitor would even send letters for the return of gifts, but I suppose he told them a load of lies.

Quite extreme but can you 'disappear'? Move house, change your phone number, move to a different part of the country, delete social media and leave no traces for him to follow? Obviously some people are more deeply rooted than others, but it could be an option if you're willing. Slugging it out with the police and solicitors is one option, but he can't harass you if he doesn't know where you are.

Could you and the ex go to the Police together?

wow you poor thing. I suppose you need to defend yourself legally but do that in the barest must minimal way that leaves you never needing to go to court yourself and hopefully not bankrupt. Let the solicitor you've hired deal with it all. It's awful that you have to go through this, my own x used the legal system to abuse me for years after I left him as well and in my case it did die down eventually but your x sounds crazier.

When they're fucked up enough to want to destroy you but clever enough to not only stay within the law to do that but also use the law to do it, it is awful. You're going to need a lot of support. I hope there is somebody at women's aid who you can keep in the loop/timeline as you're going along.

For example, by asking for me to pay for everything he ever bought me as a gift (and he was very generous. I shouldn't have been so naive), except now he's claiming they weren't gifts.

The law will assume they were gifts unless he has proof to the contrary. The one exception to that would be an engagement ring given in contemplation of a marriage that did not and will not occur.

I read somewhere that unless you have an agreement in advance that it’s a loan, when someone gives you money or property etc the legal assumption is it’s a gift.
So unless he has something in writing that he can prove is genuine then he hasn’t got a leg to stand on.
Also if you pay a solicitor enough they will write anything in a letter it has no legal standing.
Please be strong and resist this abusive bully.

Is it possible to take the threat out of the blackmail - let your family members know that the videos may be sent to them. It gives you an opportunity to control the narrative and you won't worry that he may do something. That takes the control away from him.

I know if anyone in my family said that they were at threat of blackmail because of my unknown reaction I would be I would do my best to reassure them that my loyalty lay with them. I would support the victim, not collude with the perpetrator by being shocked or judgemental - even if I felt uncomfortable with the information. I owe my loved ones more than that. And lets face it we all have sex in a variety of ways..... even your aging parents.

When they're fucked up enough to want to destroy you but clever enough to not only stay within the law to do that but also use the law to do it, it is awful.

Oh god yes, exactly. It would be much easier if he just came to my house and attacked me instead of this long, drawn out, agonising game of chess.

I would love to contact his ex but I won't because if I do press charges it will look like collusion.

I'm astonished the solicitor agreed to write the things he did in the letter but I suppose bad ones will do anything for money, particularly if it's just a letter to try to scare somebody into doing something.

How much should I expect to pay for a solicitor to write a letter in response? I hate how much of my time and energy this is already draining, not to mention all the fear it has brought back.

Yes, agree that any ITEM he bought you while you were ''together'' he will look so obviously vengeful in front of a judge saying that he wants to be repaid for those items. A solicitor might be rolling his or her eyes but will still take the business and I know that that's what my x's solicitor did. I saw my x's solicitor looking very sheepishly at me before we went in.

I agree with PP's - whatever it is he's threatening you with, bring it out in to the open YOURSELF. He will lose all his power and people will feel for you. Everybody has stuff that can be interpreted one way or another way depending on how kind/harsh the listener is or how invested they are in to thinking badly of you.

When my x called the police on me first time,I told them some of the stuff he'd done to me and they asked me if I wanted to make counter charges and I said no (out of fear) but later on the fact that he'd reported every spurious thing I'd done out of fear and I'd reported none of the very real offences against me did contribute to looking like I'd made stuff up at the last minute and his version was the truth. So report everything he did. I think these types bank on you being afraid, if I learnt anything from my x it was to fight hard in court and NOT ENGAGE at all in real life and to hide behind an audience at all times. My x was also far too clever to be horrible to me in front of a bystander.

What your x may not realise yet though is that you have less to fear from a judge than 1) you have to fear from him and 2) less to fear from going before a judge than he does.

ps, sounds like our exes cut from similar cloths. Is your ex any sort of professional that has a licence that needs to be renewed yearly?

''I would love to contact his ex but I won't because if I do press charges it will look like collusion.''

You're clever. This is why HE LOVES THIS GAME OF CHESS as you so rightly call it.

He will disparage you endlessly no doubt but deep down that fucked up part of him enjoys [argh] the game with an opponent who challenges him.

All you can do is make sure that he cannot witness your reactions. That he doesn't know what you're thinking or planning that he is robbed of that totally.

I would think very carefully about hiring a solicitor to respond to his letter. This is what he wants. He wants to engage you as a prop in his game.

When I went through this, which was horrifically stressful (and actually made me a bit paranoid), I found the best way was to ignore everything. Send letters back unopened, or just throw them in the bin. Refuse to engage. You DO NOT have to respond to anything. If he wants to pursue it, he will have to make an application to court, and even then you don't have to hire a solicitor.

These kind of personality disorders cannot bear to be ignored. Given enough rope, they will eventually hang themselves by exposing their true colours. You have to hold your nerve.

Your (perfectly natural) fear of this man is difficult to handle, but police and other agencies are now much more clued up about these toxic individuals. Try to disengage and try not to let him intimidate you. He's an arsehole.

I have to go out for a while but I will come back later to respond. Really appreciate the replies.