Husband's secret phone

[M8351]

Please ignore the thread title. I think my ex partner is stalking me and I don't want to risk him finding this. I've also NC.

I need some advice, and recommendations for a good lawyer. I left an abusive relationship one year ago. We weren't married, no children. Six years of coercive control, physical and verbal abuse, one incident of anal rape.

I don't want to go into too many details but he won't leave me alone. The police have been called many times to deal with him in the past so now he is hiding behind the veil of a threatening solicitor's letter demanding £15K and threats to take me to court if I don't pay up. His claims are unsubstantiated and it's full of lies, but it's a very complicated situation. Even if I paid him the money, I know he won't go away because it's about intimidation and revenge. The letter also says that he denies all allegations I have ever made against him.

He's deranged and very clever. He knows exactly how to manipulate me and push my buttons. I know about some of the things he did to his ex (and that was only his version, God knows her side of the story). I'm terrified of him. Not just his aggression but of what he did to try to destroy his ex's life and what he's trying to do to destroy mine. I don't think he'll stop until he destroys me.

I have had some support from the police and we have discussed my options for pursuing his offences. This has to be a last resort because I know the process and I'm not strong enough to cope with an investigation. I know he will make counter allegations and my life will be ripped to shreds.

I need to find a SH solicitor to deal with this. Somebody sympathetic who specialises in domestic violence. Somebody to make him go away. Can anybody help?

The usual advice when dealing with these malign narcissistic types is to completely ignore them, any response just feed them etc
this one does seem particularly bad!
I wonder if the HG Tudor material will be of any use in deciding how to deal with this?
he can be rather dramatic but he seems to give good advice in many ways?

@Sicario is right. Just ignore EVERYTHING as best you can. Bin any letters you get. Remember its costing him money to have them written, don't waste any of your own just to have one sent back. You are then engaging in the game and he will know he has got to you.
Unless you are actually summoned to court, do nothing.
Also its a criminal offence to distribute sexual images/content (revenge porn) so if he does this he would be arrested.
God, he sounds sick in the head!

The solicitor's letter from him could be a fake, surely?

You've had good advice OP from PP who know, or have been through similar. Put his solicitor's letter back in the envelope and return to sender in the post. Ignore him and any communication or threats he makes. Only if there is a court summons do you need to do anything.
If I were you, I'd find work abroad for a year or move to a different part of the country. Get off social media. Don't keep in touch with people he might talk to. Get away and live a normal life. You don't have children, so presumably nothing but work is tying you to your area? You can work elsewhere. Make a fresh start and look upon this as something positive that you are doing for you.
Do you think you are still vulnerable to the wrong type of man? If so, I see the Freedom Programme recommended here.

I wouldn't even send the letter back. That shows you've read it. Keep him guessing and don't give a single thing away.

As others have said, the letter could even be a fake. I wouldn't react to it in any way shape or form.

I have met similar sorts and once ran a wee support group for people who had been through/were going through narcissistic abuse. Advice is always to cut all contact and if need be, move away. Do whatever you need to do to cut out the cancer. Even if it means dropping mutual friends and changing jobs or moving home.

Stop playing his game. I know it isn't that simple and it seems as though you are dealing with an extreme case, perhaps even a sociopath. But all the more reason to do whatever you need to do to cut all contact. Change your locks, change all your online paswords (ideally have your computer checked for spyware first too before doing these things on it btw). Block all contact with this person and if they do find a way to communicate, do not respond.

They delight in making you look like the bad guy or the crazy one and often unfortunately, pursuing an approach with the law...they find a way to do this. But consulting a lawyer who has a background in dealing with similar cases (ideally a knowledge of cluster b disorders too) may prove useful for advice. Just be aware that any counter move that involves contact with him...is only prolonging and encouraging his sick little games.

CLARIFICATION: When I said "send back unopened or put in bin" I mean do not even open any of that shit that comes through your letterbox.

I repeat. Do not open. Do not engage. Do not GIVE A SHIT about the flying monkeys he is sending to you. Block. Ignore. Come here and talk to us when you're feeling shaky. You are NOT WRONG about this. Your thinking is spot on. You have been targeted by a Cluster B personality disorder arsehole.

I hate men like that. They are weak, insecure, fucked up bullying bastards. And if we all stick together, we can take these motherhubbards down.

Do you have any friends or family you can trust?

Regarding not opening mail....I would be inclined to get someone else to open it and keep for safety. In case it is in any way relevant to any future legal matters. But I wouldn't want to read it. Its better if you dont.

If his behaviour escalates and they become threatening though, for example (rather than going on about money owed) your friend/letter keeper can inform you and you can report appropriately to the police and take whatever safety measures are appropriate.

Is moving an option? I would be pretty tempted for a clean break.

Paladin and women's aid are good calls.

I would keep the letters (or ask someone to hold them) but not respond. Surely at this stage it is just a pissing contest between solicitors over who can write the best letter. I would save your pennies for a court date if it ever appears.

As per what others have said, just because you receive a letter from a solicitor does not mean that they have a legit claim or that you have to hire a solicitor and reply. Don’t be manipulated. If you know you don’t owe him money (and gifts can’t be claimed by him now as money you owe him) then don’t reply. Keep the letter though. If it happens again/other things happen give it to the police as proof of intimidation/ harassment. He is saying ‘jump’ and you know you don’t have to say ‘how high?’ In this case I would ignore. Good luck OP.

I've just read through your replies. It took me ages to finally click the create thread button but I"m glad I posted. Some really interesting responses with points I hadn't considered.

@H0wt0kn0w

He will disparage you endlessly no doubt but deep down that fucked up part of him enjoys [argh] the game with an opponent who challenges him.

Yes, I think this is exactly it and I think it's one reason it was/is so abusive: I stood up for myself. I fought back (not physically). I see it clearly now that this is what he wants, for me to engage. It's fun for him because he's pathologically bored and empty. Unfortunately I responded to some of his earlier tactics after we broke up. I tried to appease him, I even tried to appeal to his better nature (which I've realised doesn't exist), I tried ignoring him. But he persisted so I finally sent a cutting response to one of his emails that I thought would make him go away. A few months later he's back again. I'm sorry you have been through a similar experience. My ex doesn't work in that sort of sector, but there seems to be a lot of these men about.

@Sicario

Thank you, that's valuable advice. I don't want him to think I care about any of this so I won't instruct a solicitor at this point and will ignore his letter which seems to be a veiled threat and invitation to engage.

The solicitor's letter is odd (even the police officer who looked at it thought so) but I think it is legitimate. The first page is on headed paper and the firm's name is stamped on the prepaid envelope. I know the firm, it's a local one. What's strange is the way it's written, and it hasn't been signed by a person but instead somebody has written the firm's name where the signature should be. I compared it to my ex's handwriting and there are definite similarities, but I don't understand where he could have got headed paper and stamp from. If he's impersonating a firm then he would be in huge trouble and he would know that, surely?

If I could move I would, but I can't. I haven't long purchased a flat and all my friends are here, my whole life.

I'm going to ignore him and not let on that I've received or read any correspondence. I'm going to change the locks. I don't trust that he never made a copy of the key. I don't use social media but I'm going to make sure he can't monitor me as much as possible. I'm paranoid he'll somehow find this thread.

The irony is, he's wealthy, owns multiple properties, fraudulently used my credit card and apart from all the things I mentioned in my OP, he cheated on me with a prostitute. He doesn't need me or my money.

but I don't understand where he could have got headed paper and stamp from. If he's impersonating a firm then he would be in huge trouble and he would know that, surely?
pretty easy to mock it up on a computer?

He doesn't need me or my money
it's about vanquishing foes, crushing anyone who tries to hold him accountable or challenges him in anyway etc

What's strange is the way it's written, and it hasn't been signed by a person but instead somebody has written the firm's name where the signature should be.

It's almost certainly fraudulent. I have read a lot of legal correspondence over the years. They always individually signed. Law firms are partnerships, but each attorney maintains their own license to practice.

He could have nicked or created the firm's stationary on a computer and a color printer. I'd be sorely temped to ring the firm and ask if it's legitimate, and if it's not tell them what you've received in their name, but that's up to you.

But if he did mock it up, wouldn't he feel pretty stupid when I contacted the firm and they told me they didn't know anything about it? And then went to the police? I just don't see what's in it for him.

it's about vanquishing foes, crushing anyone who tries to hold him accountable or challenges him in anyway etc

Yes.

You're right. Change the locks. Ignore him. Up all your privacy settings and block him.

His wealth is just another intimidation factor because it makes him feel powerful. You can do this. Have you thought about counselling? Please take care and be kind to yourself. This is a really difficult time.

I suppose it's possible it's a firm he's used and received letters from, edited out the text and printed it on colour paper. It's the sort of thing he'd do but it's going to extreme lengths if it's true.

if you call him out on the authenticity of the letter that will just be another round in the game that he's playing with you

he will enjoy denying that he mocked it up even if he obviously has because insisting that black is white is such a fun way to mess with your head, such a fun way to 'own' you

1. There's a chance he's screwing one of the secretaries at the solicitors and has persuaded her to help him, or he went there, they told him it's a bad idea but he managed to steal some of their letterheaded paper - or, as you say, he's been sent a letter previously by them (maybe from the ex's problems) and then faked a copy.

2. It won't seem like it, but it would be brilliant if he sent video of you out. It's illegal and there is pretty much zero way he could deny being the person committing the offence, other than claiming you sent it to frame him (which would get laughed out of court as a defence). Rather than worrying about, try to look on it that if he does it, he's been stupid enough to get himself a criminal prosecution. Don't tell him in advance, though. Let him have all the rope he needs.

It may be worth contacting rights of women, they offer free legal advice over the phone and work closely with women's aid.
They will have experience of situations similar to yours I'm sure.
The letter sounds like it is possibly forged to me.

Call your local Women's Aid

Or call helpline 0800 2000 247 in the wee hours.

Try the local one first, office hours. (You will be referred there anyway by the national helpline once they've taken all your details and given you lots of support. Yay for Women's Aid!)

Contact Rights of Women to get excellent legal advice.

You will get through this. Ime it's better to move if you can