He’s not interested anymore

[Cherry111]

I don’t really know where to start here so I’m sorry if I ramble on. I just need to get it all out as I don’t know where else to turn and looking for others help and advice.
I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, we have an 18 month old and basically our sex life has came to a complete halt. After I had the baby our sex life returned to normal quite quickly as I recovered well after the birth. For the past year our sex life has went seriously downhill, my partner has said he’s been stressed about money etc when we discuss it which I understand. We have basically only had sex on holiday (last June, then again in October) when we are at home nothing happens. I have brought it up a few times and listened to his reasons (worrying about money) and been understanding and not put any pressure on. I’m at the point now after him saying in January he promises to try to be more loving that I’m sick of it. I’m feeling so unloved and resentful towards him and angry. I don’t know why he doesn’t want to, I have lost all the baby weight and more, always try to make an effort with my appearance but he’s just not interested in me. He still gives me the odd peck on the cheek and a cuddle now and again. I’m just so sad, I miss feeling the closeness and like a couple. All I feel like now is a maid and a cook. I’m quite nippy with him a lot of the time now which I know is definitely not helping things but I really don’t know what to do. Maybe he just doesn’t give a shit, I’ve told him how much it’s playing on my mind and nothing has changed so he obviously doesn’t care about my feelings or pleasure. Anytime I try to initiate something gently it basically goes nowhere so then I think what’s the point! I don’t know what to do next. I love him and our family very much. I just need to feel wanted and lusted after, is that too much to ask?

Gosh thats a painful situation op

I would find that so painful. I've heard this story a lot on here, I hope someone posts who has experienced it and has some answers.

For me I'd have to get some professional support, ideally couples counselling. Show him you absolutely mean it that something has to be done, and soon. A situation like this is a cancer to a relationship, absolute torture for you

Thanks for your reply. It is painful, because I love him and the rest of our relationship is pretty good but this is wearing away at me and my attitude isn’t helping because I’m feeling so resentful. He’d never do couples counselling as he barely talks about his emotions as it is. I want to be understanding as he’s said it’s to do with worry and stress but how long do I support him and have my feelings disregarded? I don’t know x

It is shit when this happens. But if hes worried about money, why are you going on holiday?! Is it a real concern or just an excuse for him?

Do you work?

We got a bit of money last year and used it to go a family holiday then away just the two of us for 3 days. We’re not going on holiday this year as we can’t afford it. Yes I work 3 days a week also, but I don’t know what that’s really got to do with it? We both work, and are both tired with the little one.

I think it could be just an excuse as things tick over ok money wise. I’ve tried to tell him not to stress as we are ok and manage month to month plus we have the odd night out and he sees his friends at least once a month when he’s got time off. He just doesn’t have time for me in the bedroom?

He's got a problem. He's the one with the problem.

Too bad he won't go to a therapist, he'll have to if he wants to keep his wife.

You have to force some action to resolve this. You can't live like this, it is unbearable and extremely damaging.

Oh OP your pain really comes across BUT - you are making it all an issue of all the supposed reasons why you are not good enough for him 'anymore' and that just is not what this is about. This is his issue.

It sounds very unhealthy and a lot of pressure (and then twice as much disappointment) for you to be wanting and trying to be attractive for him 'making effort' being slim, being a good wife etc. At the end of the day what has changed is with him and not you. At the end of the day, If he wanted to have sex presumably he would be having it and initiating it, ans he very definitely isn't. He shouldn't be having sex he doesn't want to have and to 'make time for you in the bedroom' would be just that would it not? Would you even enjoy it if he did OP, surely you'd just feel crap and so would he and it would be as a result of coercion. It seems like there is a lot more to this than it all being ok if he would 'just' try and sleep with you. He doesn't seem to want to and you'd be better focusing on the reality of that, and why, and what you will do about the relationship.

The fact he's giving excuses rather than talking about it is also dismissive of you as his partner, and rejects emotional intimacy as well as physical intimacy. I would be considering whether the relationship still works for you OP, rather than focusing what he might need to start to find sex appealing again, it sounds like you do more than enough catering to his needs if you feel like a maid.I would stop doing those things- why can he not do them? The relationship does not sound well balanced and you do not exist to look after and appeal to him.

Otherwise ask him to see a therapist with you? Or a GP, in case there might be more to it and there be a health issue (erectile dysfunction/depression etc) but ultimately these things rarely change.

If he's claiming it's due to mental health but won't seek help, or go to therapy I would plan to leave. I would never feel happy with a partner as closed off as that, it isn't healthy, and there is no intimacy of any kind. It just means he can opt out of anything, cite 'stress' and that's that - it's not a partnership. Think of yourself here OP and how this is clearly affecting your self esteem, is he worth that, when he doesn't make you happy either, as he is.

@dontgobaconmyheart wow thank you for your great advice, you made me think about things differently. You are totally right, he obviously just doesn’t want to have sex, I just wish I knew the reason or what has changed. It’s such a confusing situation, especially now as I feel like if I bring it up again I just sound like a nag or a moan and will make things even more difficult. Of course I don’t want him to have sex out of “duty” I want him to want to too. I do need to think of this is what I want long term but I can’t face that as breaking up our family would be heartbreaking for him and my daughter. I’ll need to try and speak to him again. I’m fed up with my feelings being pushed aside as I do everything to try and be a good partner and mum. I suppose it does say a lot if he isn’t willing to make an effort to try and fix it. I feel like it’s the elephant in the room. And I’m ready to explode but I know anger won’t help anything at all.

I don't really have any advice Cherry but I just wanted to say that your thread has struck a chord with me as I'm basically in exactly the same situation, except we don't have any DCs.

Our sex life was great to start with but now we have had sex once in the last 6 months (at Christmas) entirely because he doesn't want to. He will cuddle me and hold my hand etc. but he doesn't kiss me properly any more either, just a peck on the lips. He is also blaming stress and work etc. - things have undoubtedly been stressful in that regard recently but not horrifically so, and I just don't know if it's an excuse and he just doesn't feel any desire for me and it's never going to change. It's pretty soul destroying and I'm struggling massively with sadness, rejection and anger, none of which is exactly great for the relationship either so the situation is compounded. I feel rejected and unwanted so I push him away emotionally and it feels like a shitty vicious circle. I just want to feel loved and desired by my partner and it's heartbreaking not to. I've been forced into this situation that I have no choice about and makes me feel awful. Anyway, I'm venting, sorry but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Hi @Kootenay oh I’m sorry you are going through the same thing. It is soul destroying and I definitely related when you said you shut down emotionally and it’s like a vicious circle. I was thinking even if last night he had tried to initiate anything I wouldn’t have wanted to as I’m building a wall and feel so disconnected to him that I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing anything. So where the hell do I go from here? It feels like a no win situation. I also know our communication is terrible, I try and bring things up “in the right moment” without getting angry but I just get fobbed off. I’m going to try and speak to him again this week. Im going to be firmer and more serious as he needs to know how much this effecting is as a couple. Not just the lack of sex but the knock on effect on the whole relationship. Are you going to try and talk to him again? Xx

Hey @Cherry111, yes I will try to talk to him again, but I honestly don't hold out much hope of it getting me anywhere. I imagine it'll be the same excuses of stress, work etc. and he'll end up turning it around and getting pissed off at me for having the temerity to complain about it and not just be endlessly supportive and positive. I'm being told that I'm 'negative' a lot, but it's hard to be all glass half full when your partner doesn't want to have any kind of a sex life with you.

I know exactly what you mean about the disconnect - tbh if he did initiate anything now, I think it would feel weird and I would be wondering why he was doing it. It's no win as you said.

I've come to a point where I've mentally put a time limit on it now, I have to for my own sanity, so if nothing has really changed by September then I'll have to leave him. I can't live like this forever and I don't want to. I'm only 36 and I refuse to feel unwanted or to be allowed no say or control over my sex life for the next god knows how many years. It's easier as we have no kids though. I'm so sorry you're in this same situation, it's not something I've ever experienced before and I just don't know how or if it can be resolved.

This is heartbreaking!

Neither of you should be worrying about bringing this up, but about their total lack of engagement, try asking what's left of the relationship as it feels over, because this is how it sounds for you both. If they agree then you have your answer, if they cba more than snipes about work/stress you also have your answer, if they won't open up, you also have your answer.

If they want to fight for this relationship you will see that, and recognise it. I do hope that happens, but I'm not hopeful going on what you've both said so far.

My husband went off sex with me too and just wouldn't discuss it at all. I'd tell him how badly it made me feel but nothing changed. Turns out (I find out literally years later) that I whilst I had lost loads of weight, he had a very poor body image and was very unhappy with himself. I just saw the man I loved and thought he was gorgeous. What I'm trying to say is that it wasn't actually about me at all, hard as that was to believe then, so there's a fair chance it isn't about you either especially as you are looking fab and making such an effort. Try letting him know how attractive he is to you perhaps? The Men Are From Mars book is very informative about how differently men and women process emotions and well worth a read. It was like a light going on for me and I wish I'd read it years ago. Also the Five Languages of Love - ditto. Sorry it makes you feel so crap, Ive been there but whatever his reasoning is it really is a reflection of him and NOT YOUx

Well there's been development. He messaged me with a picture of my "vibrator" and said "what the fuck is this" so I replied saying eh a vibrator, I had to use it last week and hope he's not annoyed. I then sent him this message I really don’t know what to say. I don’t feel like I can communicate with you about this anymore. I don’t know if you are stressed/depressed or need my help. But I just feel so angry and resentful so it’s a vicious cycle really as that’s not going to make you want to be intimate either so we’re just going round and round. I can’t be in a relationship like this not feeling close. I just feel like a mum and a cook. Do you need to see a doctor or is there anything I can do to make this better? You need to speak to me, even if it’s something I don’t want to hear, as it’s just eating away at our relationship.

Thanks for your message @milksoffagain I really appreciate it. The thing is at the moment I'm so full of resentment I'm finding it hard to give him compliments etc or tell him how sexy he is as I'm blaming him for me feeling so rejected so in my head he doesn't deserve it. I know this is wrong and if he would just give me a reason for how he's feeling I can and will support him as I love him and don't want to give up on our relationship x

Ok, well I totally get how hard it is to give him compliments when he makes you feel so bad about yourself... You say you want to work on your relationship (good for you - definitely not time to give up) so it might be easier if you look at it like this... See giving him something you want for yourself (i.e. a self esteem boost of compliments) as a small part of the whole picture where the goal is gaining and maintaining a happy long lasting stable relationship - instead of allowing it to feel as if giving it to him is taking something away from you. Like laying down the first layer of bricks to build the relationship back up. Someone has to lay the first brick - and even if it doesn't work then at least you will know you have tried. I know its easy to say and much harder to do but you have SO much to gain if it works! Seriously, please have look at the books I mentioned - men and relationships are such a mystery but these will help some with that! Sounds like he feels threatened by your vibrator... men can have such fragile egos Try to do new stuff and things you are good at that build up your self esteem in other ways as you can't actually change anyone's behaviour other than your own and I think it will be a healthy way to move your focus away and help both you and who you are in the relationship. All the best! x

I think that's well put Cherry it says it all,and v weird of him taking a photo of your vibrator and asking what it is!?!? Eh?!?!

It's pretty blamey and not nice. He doesn't sound very nice to you, and you sounded worried like you'd been caught out and had to explain yourself, you don't. You could use a vibrator even if you were having regular sex, you don't always have to be with him for sexual gratification.

It came across as if hes jealous and angry of a vibrator!

Sounds like OP is being asked to keep on laying bricks and he doesn't have to lay any, what is this,flog a dead horse, or build your house on sand?

Op has he started on any medication which could affect libido? Anti depressants, blood pressure meds and diabetes meds can all cause a loss of libido.

Sorry you are going through this. I went through the same with my now exH. He was very controlling and emotionally abusive (realised how much afterwards) and I ended up asking for a divorce. At the time though I found it very confusing. I have a high sex drive and it was horrible going night after night sleeping next to someone so cold and distant. I made an effort and felt completely rejected. He had cheated on me in the past and I still don't know if he was cheating in that period as well. Not saying yours is but can relate to feeling unloved/invisible. Can you sit down and tell him how important a sex life is to you and your relationship and something needs to change pronto otherwise it won't work.

Thanks @smotheroffive to be honest I think I kind of left it where he might find it to give him a dose of reality, which is I'm 39 and still a sexual woman who has needs. Which he is definitely not meeting. I totally understand the "start making him feel wanted and like a man" but to be honest I've tried that and felt like I was wasting my time and once again getting my needs ignored. Do I need to massage his ego? He replied saying he loves me and needs me and it's been a hard year with our daughter. (Who by the way is the easiest baby and sleeps from 8-8)And it's weird how his "morning wood" has gone away, he's been buying stuff online to try and help, which I know. I've said that obviously none of this is working so he needs to see a doctor as even if he was to try and initiate anything I probably wouldn't want to now. I want to help him but he really needs to help himself and actually realise now it's not about the sex. It's all a mess. I'm so stuck as to what to do next. Be more understanding to his needs? forget about my feelings and tell him how wonderful he is? while my emotional needs are not being met, that's impossible.

I just realised I said "needs" about 68 times in that post...I even annoyed myself lol

@NotTheFordType no no medication at all, he takes loads of vitamins etc and goes to the gym at least 4 times a week so overall a very healthy guy

You mention the gym. Is he bodybuilding and could be taking steroids?