He’s not interested anymore

[Cherry111]

I don’t really know where to start here so I’m sorry if I ramble on. I just need to get it all out as I don’t know where else to turn and looking for others help and advice.
I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, we have an 18 month old and basically our sex life has came to a complete halt. After I had the baby our sex life returned to normal quite quickly as I recovered well after the birth. For the past year our sex life has went seriously downhill, my partner has said he’s been stressed about money etc when we discuss it which I understand. We have basically only had sex on holiday (last June, then again in October) when we are at home nothing happens. I have brought it up a few times and listened to his reasons (worrying about money) and been understanding and not put any pressure on. I’m at the point now after him saying in January he promises to try to be more loving that I’m sick of it. I’m feeling so unloved and resentful towards him and angry. I don’t know why he doesn’t want to, I have lost all the baby weight and more, always try to make an effort with my appearance but he’s just not interested in me. He still gives me the odd peck on the cheek and a cuddle now and again. I’m just so sad, I miss feeling the closeness and like a couple. All I feel like now is a maid and a cook. I’m quite nippy with him a lot of the time now which I know is definitely not helping things but I really don’t know what to do. Maybe he just doesn’t give a shit, I’ve told him how much it’s playing on my mind and nothing has changed so he obviously doesn’t care about my feelings or pleasure. Anytime I try to initiate something gently it basically goes nowhere so then I think what’s the point! I don’t know what to do next. I love him and our family very much. I just need to feel wanted and lusted after, is that too much to ask?

@DianaT1969 no I think he'd like to but he's definitely not as we can't afford it and I know he wouldn't spend the money. Plus he's not getting any bigger if you know what I mean. The gym is his outlet.

@NetterU that's horrible I'm sorry you went through that. I'm glad you got a divorce. I really don't think he is cheating, god the thought of it makes me so upset. What scares me is because of the situation and me being so closed off due to his lack of love and affection might then make him stray and look for attention from someone else. Slightly ironic as he's caused the whole thing.

We're all adults here-it's his fucking male machismo and or

His male pride-can't admit he has a serious problem and he's torturing you

I just thought I would give you a perspective worth thinking about.
When my wife was pregnant she was not interested in sex which I completely understood. So to help with my needs I started watching porn and masturbating. After a while it became a daily habit I couldn't break. After the baby I just kept doing it because it was just easier and faster. It wasn't that I didn't find my wife attractive or didn't want to have sex with her, it was that my sex drive went way down and at night I just wanted to sleep and wasn't interested in sex.
It took a long time for me to realize that I was putting masturbation and porn over my relationship with my wife.
I don't know if your husband is doing this but I will say that my wife had no idea I was doing it. I stopped watching porn and within a few days of not masturbating my desire to have sex with my wife was back to normal. What a fool I was!
It sounds like there is much more going on in your relationship but it might be worth asking him point blank if he is doing this.

It's all a mess. I'm so stuck as to what to do next. Be more understanding to his needs? forget about my feelings and tell him how wonderful he is? while my emotional needs are not being met, that's impossible.

This x1,000,000 Cherry. It's not really about the sex itself, it's the lack of emotional closeness more than physical, and living with the thought that they don't want you, don't fancy you, and they know how much it upsets you but still don't care enough to try to do anything about it, but you have to suck it up and be understanding and considerate and supportive and positive and all the rest of it, month after month. It's all so one-sided - all about how he feels and what he wants, or doesn't want in this case.

I'm not sure about the rules on here so i apologise but I'm using this as a bit of a diary and outlet. I feel like things have taken a massive shift. I have put up such an emotional wall I don't want him now. It's been another 4 months of no sex. Now I don't actually care anymore, that's what happens, it erodes your relationship. There is no closeness, no feeling loved, no lust or feeling wanted. No intimacy makes you feel like a room mate. Plus having a 2 year old, it's so difficult. It's absolutely fucking shit. We have had plenty of alone time. Before i was sad and wanted to fix things and help him through. Now I'm just plain angry, resentful, bitter and starting to fancy other blokes. I can't see a way back from here. I have no clue what to do.

Is he gay?

Does have problems getting/maintaining an erection?

Does he have a porn addiction?

Could he be having an affair?

This isn’t fair on you at all. If he refuses to communicate or get couples therapy I’d start getting my financial affairs ready in preparation to leave.

Hi op
Not read the whole thread but I agree with pp.
could it be gay?
What was your sex life like before the baby?

I don't think he is gay, what are the signs of that? He has never really gave me any signs to wonder if he is.
Porn - I don't think so, he's always around me or working. The only time he's not is in the shower or takes a long bath every couple of weeks so maybe then but I've never had any suspicions about porn.
Affair - maybe, he's very guarded with his phone. That's been an issue in the past as I feel he's very secretive and to my shame I have checked it before which I know is bad. Nothing ever showed so then I felt worse. But he's never awol, he's always at work or with us. I never think "where is he"? to think he's having an affair.
I know I need to talk to him again but now I just feel like I can't. And frankly I don't want to have sex with him now anymore, ironic as he's caused it and now the tables have turned. I didn't sign up for this and now I'm so bitter towards him I have no idea how to change how I feel.

I do need to think of this is what I want long term but I can’t face that as breaking up our family would be heartbreaking for him and my daughter.
^
Your situation is breaking YOUR heart. Your daughter is very young and would adjust to mummy and daddy living apart. He can still parent.

You really can't go on like this - it will destroy your MH

I think you know what you have to do. Another 4 months on and you feel even worse...how many more months/years do you give it? Your dd is at an age where she will not remember any different. Get out now would be my advice.

You have to force some action to resolve this. You can't live like this, it is unbearable and extremely damaging.
WTF??? Nobody should be having sex they don't want, so no don't "force some action" if I'd done that with my STBXW then it would be called rape.

You are in a dreadful situation which will mess with your self esteem and confidence, if he won't address the situation you have to decide whether you want to live like that or leave. The latter is probably the best way.

What happened after you and he spoke back in March OP? Did he ever actually go to the docs? Has he made any effort to talk or improve things at all since then?

Either you both want to fix it - counselling to talk about all problems and be
Or you don't and leave.
I don't think there is an in between.
Sex is one thing but not feeling loved is different. If he's not even loving towards you there's nothing left is there?

Op I rwally feel for you, I separated from my first husband due to lack of intamacy.
I felt unloved unattractive and if I tried to talk about it he didn't want to talk, if I tried to iniate sex I was rejected. It caused tension and unpleasantness and after time I realised that his lack of effort was that he really didn't love me anymore because if he did he would have made an effort , and after all I wasn't important to him neither was our relationship!
I have been very happily married for the last 40 odd years to a man who has for the length of our marriage been physically affectionate to me, I am a loving person, I deserve it.
OP you deserve it too!
Don't waste any more time flogging a dead horse, lay it on the line that your relationship isn't working, awhat is he going to do about it, you are willing to make an effort what is he going to do?
Give him a time scale, but from the tone of your update you sound like you have had enough, don't feel guilty if you want to go now, you know what you can put up with!
Good luck

I know sex isn't everything but it is very important in marriage.
I so glad people live together before marriage because you get to find out if you are sexually compatible.

For Some it's 10 times a week others it's 10 times a year.
And that's fine when you're both on the same page.

We've had dry spells over the last 25 years but always kept up with the kisses and cuddles.
Even then sex is that special closeness that you only share with the one you love so it's more than just satisfying an urge ().
I would feel just like you.
It's completely normal to feel like that.
Maybe time ti gently spell it out to him.
Good luck x

There is no point dressing it up, he clearly doesn't find you sexually attractive or want to have sex with you for whatever reason. If it was a health/anxiety/stress issue he would be taking steps to get that sorted out, but he isn't because the issue is that he doesn't want to have sex with you.
Now you just have to decide whether you're happy in a relationship with no sex, if not then either break up or open up the relationship and find someone that will have sex with you.

I would never force action! He just doesn't want to have sex so that's totally up to him, I can't make him want to. It's his decision. Maybe he doesn't find me sexually attractive anymore who knows. But why would he be still with me? Maybe he's having an affair and doesn't want to leave his daughter. We are both off all week next week so I'm going to wait and see what happens when work/tired can't be an excuse and then I'll talk to him again. I still love him I'm just feeling so unwanted and lonely. Thanks for all your advice xx

I'm in a similar situation OP and it's having a huge negative impact on my mental health. I've no advice I'm afraid I'm planning on getting out of this relationship very soon. I can't live like this.