Can't handle this rejection

[isitmee]

I think I've been a total mug and been rejected by someone I trusted, I can't decide if I'm just spitting out the dummy because I can't get what I want or if I'm justified at being angry and feeling utterly rejected, discarded.

I know logically that if he behaves this way then that's not a good sign and my self worth should be higher but I can't get my heart and my thoughts to stay in that mind set consistently. There is a pathetic part of me that just desperately wants him to want me and feel for me the way I feel for him.

Trying to make a long story short this was a mutual friendship to begin with. I became single and saw him with different eyes. He then got into a relationship but we kept in touch quite regularly. I've ignored the fact that I found him attractive, just pushed it aside never acted on it, I realise now I should have dealt with that sooner.

Anyway he became single, then was on and off a few times. In between this we were in a lot more contact, pretty much daily and doing things together. This was going on for about the past 5 months or so. Anyway we ended up having a conversation about us being in a relationship together, he told me he had been having these thoughts. I felt like all my christmases has came at once and we slept together. He then changed his mind the very next day, said he was too worried about it going wrong and is losing our friendship. Felt he was still carrying mental damage from his past relationship.

There has been some contact since then but not much. I feel fucking horrendous. All my feelings have came to the surface and I don't know what to do with them.

Is this my fault? Is he at fault? Have I been a total fucking mug?

Nope you have not been a total mug, he has behaved rather badly because,

1. he knew you very well as a friend, so knew you had lots in common, liked each other etc
2. He still slept with you then decided he was not sure , pretty shoddy behavior on his part.

Look at him objectively op and don't let him use you again.

Well this is my thinking also, if he knew he wasn't ready for a relationship then why initiate sex? Because he's a fucking using arsehole and I've been wearing rose tinted specs for the past 2 years! Fuck!! I'm so fucking pissed off 😤

A very similar thing happened to me and it bloody well hurts. I am now happy and have been with dh who is amazing for 6 years but thinking back to that time can still be painful.
With the gift of hindsight I recognise he was an arse who thought I was attractive and just wanted a shag. I desperately wanted to believe he felt differently though. I got the same speech about us being friends and not ruining our friendship too, it must be some kind of script.
What I would say is don't do what I did. I spent the next two years being a really close friend to him. Secretly hoping he would change his mind while watching him have proper relationships with other women. Comparing yourself and wondering what they have that you don't is useless and painful. I know now that even if we had got together it never would have worked out. I was obsessed with a fantasy of him, in reality he is really unlikeable. For me I think it was the rejection that made me want him more.
I moved away and unfollowed him on all social media until I could bring myself to delete and block. I recommend that approach. It hurts but it eases and it stops you from seeing any updates from them that might set you back.

Hmmm

I can see both sides here.

You are keen to have a relationship whilst he’s not ready for that.

Sounds like you’re in different places.

Don’t let yourself be the fallback girl.

That is my fear, accepting the friendship back but still secretly pining for him. I can't do it, I'm already having fantasy thoughts that he will change his mind and I know it's all bullshit in my head. I need to cut him off but I fucking want to tell him I'm cutting him off which is crazy I know!

Call him out on not treating you well. He gave u relationship talk so you felt safe to sleep with h8m.

Tell him that crap is a turn off.
Agree with PPs, dont give him yr friendship

I know exactly how this feels, and it's horrible.
Only time will help, and after a while it will hurt less.
I'm sorry this happened to you ... and you are 100% not a mug, for how will we ever know if we never give anything a try.

Tell him he's a git. The friendship is ruined now anyway. Then block him and get on with your life. You deserve someone to treat you well.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, "you know you were worried about this wrecking our friendship? - well, yes, being treated like that has wrecked it for me, so kthanxbai."

He is entitled to change his mind as would you be if the shoe was on the other foot. That said I cannot see how this f'ship can continue given the intensity of feelings you have for him. As PP's have said time will help you move on.

''said he was too worried about it going wrong and is losing our friendship'' massive lying bullshitter. If he was worried about your 'friendship' being messed up, he wouldn't have slept with you in the first place. Also, does he really think you would want to stay friends with someone who would do this (answer: either, no. Or, yes because he thinks you are a mugg he can continue to take for a ride...and he fully intends to). One way or another, he is a massive jerk.

You aren't psychic, you cared for someone and he took advantage of that. It isn't your fault. It's not like you jumped into bed with a random who then vanished, you took your time and thought you had got to know this person, it isn't your fault he turned out to be a fake, lying wanker.

Block all contact with this person asap, don't let him backtrack with 'maybe in times' or 'im not sure what I wants' because that's even more bullshit. When people show you who they are, believe them. He has shown you he is a horrible person. You deserve someone with an actual heart, everyone does. So get him gone and keep him gone.

Oh dear hate to say it but it sounds like rebound.
Don't let yourself be the fuck buddy until his next relationship starts, cut your losses while you still have your dignity and move on. There's real men out there don't settle for this shite!

Thank you for all the feedback, it's definitely helpful to get other perspectives but really majority seem to be of similar to mine that he's just fed me bullshit. He is perfectly entitled to change his mind I get that but I trusted he knew his own mind enough not to fuck me and chuck me basically. I've now lost a friend and what I thought was potentially going to be a lovely relationship. I can't believe how much hope I got just from one night, I'm such a fucking sap. I guess this is what happens when you have a fantasy in your head for so long, it's like walking around with a full balloon ready to pop!

So you have liked him for ages but he was in a relationship. Then his relationship broke up, he hadn't quite recovered from that and you slept with him at the first sign of interest? I don't think he's a monster, just a bit emotionally raw from his breakup and looking for comfort. You could have easily said no to sex with your emotional friend but you didn't. If roles were reversed and you were in his position and telling the story I suspect there would be some folks on her saying he took advantage when you were emotionally vulnerable.
Look, for whatever reason you both decided to have sex. You are two consenting adults, neither of you have been horribly used. Why not call him and say that you do like him but if it's too soon for him you'll wait and see how things go. Suggest spending some time together in a public place and at least for now keep it public only.

I think it is a reasonable assumption that a friend wouldnt fuck you and chuck you though. You werent somebody he met in a club. You were a friend.

He's already shut it down, why on earth would you advise her to chase him and wait for him? Good grief.

He definitely wasn't emotionally vulnerable at the time and he initiated the conversation and kissed me, I didn't initiate anything and I wasn't planning too either, we've spent plenty time together alone and in public and never done anything or spoke in this way. I did not take advantage of him but I do take responsibility for my feelings about being so strong. I have had feelings for him for a while which is why I'm hurting so much and why I asked if I'd blown this situation out of proportion. At first I felt ok and it was a case of "what were we like just jumping straight in there" but has time has passed I'm getting snowballed with emotions and images in my head which is making it really hard to move on

Just give yourself a bit of time. Don't have any contact or it will be more painful. It's a loss, grieve it. You did nothing wrong.

'said he was too worried about it going wrong and is losing our friendship'' massive lying bullshitter.
No, you cant always assume this and annihilate someone as a massive bullshitter.
It can happen from time to time. It happened to someone I knew and It also happened to me and also with someone I was very close to, slept with him then realised it wasn't a physical r'ship I wanted with him. It just didn't 'feel' right despite me feeling that it could be possible before we slept together.

I’ve been in a similar place to where you are op and it was horrendous. Twice in fact with different men. It really damaged my self esteem as I thought if someone who knows me so well doesn’t want me, who will?

With the benefit of hindsight though I see the situations for what they were - me being far too ‘available’ because of my feelings and inadvertently letting myself be used as a surrogate girlfriend in terms of support etc and emotional intimacy. While at the same time not being seen as girlfriend material largely because I had no mystique and the men wanted women they could put on a pedestal. I don’t think he’s necessarily an asshole but do think some people get really confused by the path love ought to take. Both of the men said I was too flawed. It took a long time to realise I’m not it was just that we were friends first so they knew what my flaws were as opposed to their fantasy women who don’t exist.

It was horrible and I have nothing but sympathy.

You do need space from him now, it’s the only way forward.

FWIW one of the men changed his mind later but it was too late for me. The other can’t really hold down a relationship, they tend to fall apart about the point they get to know each other properly

If he was only after sex, then he would have kept things going a bit longer and then leave you. It seems that he really had genuine misgivings, he wasn't just a player callously dumping you so he can move onto to the next target. No he shouldn't have had sex with you if he had such misgivings, he made a mistake, a very human mistake and gave into temptation.

Look, this is an utterly miserable place to be and the only thing that will make it better is time - and low-as-possible contact with your friend.
I don't think he is necessarily a ruthless fanny-rat. It's possible that he realised how massively strong your feelings for him were and decided to back off because he didn't want to get that serious and had been thinking along the lines of 'friendly bunk-up, nothing more.' It's also possible that he found you sexually incompatible with him (not 'crap at sex', not 'undesirable' but just someone he didn't feel that sexually comfortable with.)

Thank you. I am feeling a bit softer and more forgiving about it today. I just need to be careful I don't fall back into the emotional stand in girlfriend again. I was convinced he was lying and just a prick but I think I was angry and needed to blame. I guess I will never know the real truth of what his thinking was but I don't think he's intentionally set out to use or hurt me. Self esteem has definitely taken a beating though, obviously I've thought maybe I was just shit in bed, didn't seem that way even so my worth shouldn't be based on that. And I've definitely been too available, he doesn't need to commit to me as I'm always bloody there when he needs me regardless of what he's been doing. Lesson learned I hope.

It is hard though. We all hear about it have been that girl that keeps sleeping with the man in the hope he’ll see our value and commit. What we don’t hear about but I think is also quite common is the girl who gives intense emotional support in the hope he’ll commit. Like us in these circumstances

No not nice but don’t even remain friends with him now as this could develop into a casual shag when he’s not seeing someone else and you will always be hoping for more.