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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I losing the plot?

30 replies

LifeIsNoPicnic · 22/03/2019 22:54

Hi all,

My bf and I have been together 8 years. I have a 17 year old son and we have a 3 year old daughter together.

We’re both in our forties so you’d think we’d have things fathomed out. Not sure how much longer I can cope for, he can be such a self righteous sod!

He doesn’t get on well with my son, it’s got to the point I have to keep them apart, my bf is always ready to criticise my son and it’s getting silly. My son is a little untidy but I must say this is 99% in his bedroom. I’ll tell my son to clear up but I just don’t go overboard, my son has ADHD and is on the spectrum so he finds some things hard. Anyway my bf will go in his room and count the plastic water bottles in there and moan about his clothes etc. He had some friends over and they had a film on in his room eating pizza, my son brought the rubbish down. My bf thought he was out of order and had a go at him about taking pizza upstairs, my son said he didn’t see the harm and carried on, my bf then aggressively shouted at my son and called him a fucking idiot, surprisingly my son was quite calm and then my bf started shouting more at him and then having a go at me saying “I must be a fucking c*nt as everyone treats me like one!”. My son was so upset and angry he swore back. My bf has said it doesn’t matter what he calls my son he shouldn’t swear back at him as he’s the child and should do as he’s told.

My bf has now removed the towel rail from the bathroom wall as apparently my son screws the towel up on it and can’t fold it. He says it’s disrespectful.

Am I in the wrong here? I think bf is being overkill and pathetic. He seems to think teens are told something once and they miraculously do it.

I’ve had enough but now I’m getting it in the neck and being told my son is going to rule the house etc.

Any advice appreciated xx

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 22/03/2019 22:59

Your boyfriend sounds like a grade A prick. Your son is relying on you to fight his corner. Please don't let him down.

kingfisherblue33 · 22/03/2019 23:01

He called your ds a fucking idiot for a pretty minor reason? Unscrewing the towel rail is batshit.

He needs to go. You need to support your ds.

elephantoverthehill · 22/03/2019 23:01

Well this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. It sounds as if your bf is projecting all his anger onto your son. From experience who do you want to support? I know my Ds came first.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/03/2019 23:01

Stay with him = being a terrible mother.

Sorry.

ArkAtEee · 22/03/2019 23:02

My gosh, protect your vulnerable son against your aggressive boyfriend by dumping him.

Original poster

LifeIsNoPicnic · 22/03/2019 23:05

Thanks you’ve just read my own thoughts! I’ve seen a solicitor already but he doesn’t know. He has this strange capability of changing things around and making it my fault. I am on my son’s side. Was I wrong to tell bf that if he didn’t behave like a c*nt then he wouldn’t get treated like one!!. It’s like he was complete control, it’s not happening!

OP posts:

Orange6904 · 22/03/2019 23:09

Ugh he sounds like my mum's partner when we were growing up. Ex army control freak that made us feel like we were in a boot camp. Had no understanding of teenagers. Look out for your son.

elephantoverthehill · 22/03/2019 23:10

I have been through very similar. My Ds is now 23, I threw out the BF when Ds was 17. Exbf didn't recognise Ds a few weeks ago in a pub.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2019 23:12

Make the right choice, love

Lozzerbmc · 22/03/2019 23:12

Disgraceful of your partner to treat you and your son like that. Think you both deserve better

Coronapop · 22/03/2019 23:14

Your son's room should be his own private space for him to be untidy in if that is what he chooses. Your partner removing the towel rail is too ridiculous for words. You need to be very assertive about what is and isn't acceptable in terms of your partner's behaviour towards your son.

Original poster

LifeIsNoPicnic · 22/03/2019 23:17

He won’t accept anything from me, says I’m too soft!! We’re talking about a man from a very dysfunctional family. He has to go. No more shit. He can threaten to take our daughter but it’s not going to happen! Xx

OP posts:

SuziQ10 · 22/03/2019 23:19

Why are you with this man - who treats your son terribly.

“I must be a fucking cnt as everyone treats me like one!”.* ..... got to say you're proving him right by putting up with his BS. Sorry but you clearly need his to be spelled out for you.

elephantoverthehill · 22/03/2019 23:23

I think it might be time to say 'Off you pop because you are afucking cunt'.

Original poster

LifeIsNoPicnic · 22/03/2019 23:24

@suziQ10, he was calling himself that not me! It’s because I stick with my son. He tells me he can’t do no wrong in my eyes, BS! I’ll tell my son off when necessary and not in that way.

OP posts:

Original poster

LifeIsNoPicnic · 22/03/2019 23:26

@elephantoverthehill you’re right there!

OP posts:

SuziQ10 · 22/03/2019 23:28

Sounds like you'd have a happier life without him. Your dear son must find this strained relationship pretty difficult?
Hope you find a way out, if that's what you want. Good luck to you.

Singlenotsingle · 22/03/2019 23:28

It's all the testosterone flying around, OP. He's the old male lion feeling threatened by the young upstart, and trying to protect his territory. And now the lioness has to step up and protect her cub. Tell him, OP. "It's my way or the highway".

elephantoverthehill · 22/03/2019 23:28

If I am right, be strong and do it. I did.

babyno5 · 22/03/2019 23:34

@LifeIsNoPicnic glad you've figured out for yourself that he has to go.
The whole "blended family" thing is never easy-been there got the t shirt. But your BF sounds a complete fruit loop.
Sending hugs and good luck for your happy peaceful single future!! xxx

Babysharkdoodoodoodo · 23/03/2019 00:10

Whose house is it? Owned or rented?

Does he live with you or visit?

My OH can be a bit like that with my son but usually calms down, and doesn't call him names. My son has asd as well and his room gets a bit in top of him, but he'll have a mass clean and tidy every coupe of weeks. It's a bit like living with 2 lions, each trying to assert dominance with me in the middle.

We generally rub along ok with the occasional outburst from one of them, not like you though, you poor thing. Your bf sounds like an arse.

PickAChew · 23/03/2019 00:28

Show the unhinged arsehole that you're not soft and kick him out.

cstaff · 23/03/2019 00:36

I think you know the answer yourself OP. Look after your son. He is only a kid after all and needs more protection than your bf.

MumsyJ · 23/03/2019 02:04

Respect is reciprocal. Your DP, given the longevity of your relationship, should have built that father- son relationship with your son, and should have been best pals with him.

Now, Mr DP being the command and control, do as you're told kind of goat, expects your son to just dish out respect to someone like him that's undeserving of respect? Er life doesn't work like that!

OP, do right by your lovely son by getting rid of this junk of a man... sorry, not sorry!

BringMeAGinandTonic · 23/03/2019 03:07

Oh gosh, this will be my first time saying this: LTB.

He sounds controlling. Your son comes first. Not this manipulative tool.

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