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Original poster

DH getting even wierder

36 replies

tinkywinkyshandbag · 22/03/2019 22:37

DH has always been a bit...independent in his views. However as he's getting older he seems to be getting more and more extreme..to the extent that it's setting him apart from family and even from some friends. It's like he's so far out there, and I feel like it's driving a wedge between us. I feel as if we're being avoided as a couple because people find him uncomfortable to be around. He can get quite argumentative. It's almost as if he's priding himself on being non mainstream. He is quite intellectual, he likes books and ideas and is very well read and intelligent, and in part this was part of the attraction when we first met. However lately he seems to be getting more and more interested in politics and philosophy...he is spending more and more time reading a certain type of book and watching you tube videos of people he follows. The people he follows are quite extreme in their views, definitely not mainstream. When I express any negative opinions it's because I'm "head in the clouds", he clearly thinks I am being very low brow. I do feel it's affecting our relationship because I do think less of him for these views, and I also feel it's affecting the children. But if I was to raise this I know he would be very dismissive of my concerns and make it seem as if all I want to do it watch EastEnders (which is very far from the truth). It makes me feel as if there is no future for us, I don't want to live with an angry old man. Anyone have any idea what I'm talking about or living with similar?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/03/2019 23:48

I know a couple of women who dealt with exactly this. They wasted many years trying to deal with a twat of a husband and were consumed with misery until they finally left. You can't change your husband. You can only save yourself. I suggest you do so and quickly.

MiniTheMinx · 22/03/2019 23:49

Its a shame that more people aren't interested in philosophy and politics! I don't think this puts him in a bad light. But I can understand why you are concerned that his seemingly far out views will isolate you socially. It does, but is he worried about this? I decided to study PPE as a mature student and whilst it didn't change me, or change the way in which I thought it was obvious that some people around me struggled. I think I just gained confidence and that didn't suit some people. Plus some things are worth being angry about. Many people are blissfully ignorant and just as many are apathetic.

The only concern I would have is the content and direction. When you say extreme, extreme is what way?

As for friends and family I think all you can do is make your own social life, if people miss him they will ask where he is.

redastherose · 23/03/2019 10:53

It's difficult to judge without knowing what his extreme views are tbh. However, it's perfectly ok for two people to grow apart and for their views, both political and personal, to change over the years. You don't have to remain in a marriage with someone you no longer gel with, there doesn't always have to be an affair or other major problems to decide to separate amicably. You are no longer compatible and that's fine. If his views and behaviour are making other family members and friends avoid you then his views do sound extreme. His derogatory dismissal of your opinions is enough for you to decide you no longer want put up with being his partner.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 23/03/2019 10:56

Let me guess, is he a conspiracy theorist?

HomoHeinekenensis · 23/03/2019 10:58

I imagine this is how Katie Holmes felt.

MayFayner · 23/03/2019 10:59

It’s not flat earth kind of stuff is it?

HomoHeinekenensis · 23/03/2019 10:59

Agree with RedAs Are you happy to tell us what views specifically so we can give a bit more tailored help?

lifebegins50 · 23/03/2019 10:59

If he is trying to impose his views or worse showing contempt for you then I think the marriage won't survive.

How old is he? Does he have a friend who he would listen to? Ex resched his 40s and as a late bloomer felt he was finally where he should be and comfortable in his skin. That person was so far away from someone I like as he was arrogant and domineering.

Once there is a hint of contempt from one partner the relationship is usually doomed unless he has a wake up.
I am sorry but the stereotype of grumpy, angry midlife man does fit certain characters.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 23/03/2019 11:44

My ex was a conspiracy theorist. Not the whole 9/11 thing. Not mainstream conspiracy like that but deeper. I got to a point I hated talking to him about it. We split up. Not because his views were different to mine, but because it became an obsession. When I or anybody disagreed it is because their heads were in clouds and that they were basically thick!
We have an 11 year old daughter. He wants her to take on his views. When she disagrees with him it it because I am brainwashing her 🙄
It is unhealthy and quite frankly bizarre! I don't push my opinions on anybody I never understand why conspiracy theorists do!

ElspethFlashman · 23/03/2019 11:52

My cousins husband became obsessive and very rigid. With him it was New Age/culty/"healing yourself" stuff as opposed to politics but it was just as disruptive and unpleasant to be around. He became a bit nuts, tbh.

It ended in divorce. It was sad as honestly he was the nicest loveliest most supportive guy when she married him. But it's like there's a chink in their brains that these notions pour into and it poisons them. And they become too far removed from who they were. You can't pretend they are any more the person you married.

My cousin had a daughter and it was becoming really disruptive. If it was just her maybe the marriage would have limped on with her keeping her mouth shut, gradually losing respect for him and the intimacy all ebbing away. But she needed her daughter to get a break from it and be able to live in a house without that toxic harmful bullshit being poured into her head 24/7.

Loopytiles · 23/03/2019 11:53

My father went through long phases of this, which was a PITA to say the least. His social skills during these times were poor: he missed obvious cues that the things he was banging on about were pissing people off or boring them.

Mum put up with it - I would have left!

In his case IMO the issues were exacerbated by untreated depression. When he was doing better he’d behave better, still the odd comment but better!

sheepsheep · 23/03/2019 11:54

I think his views are a red herring here.

It is the patronising and dismissive way he treats you that is the problem. He can read all the books he likes, but if he doesn't have humility, respect for others and a sense of when to STFU then he is just another arrogant dickhead man. Nothing original or interesting about that at all.

Loopytiles · 23/03/2019 11:57

He initially did it with work self help type stuff, “habits of highly effective people” comes to mind - which is ironic. Then a while later conspiracy/David Icke type stuff.

Then switched to politics, NHS, council, local issues. Being interested/active would be one thing, but it’s not constructive, just negativity and brow-beating.

In fact, he does still do it, writes to local council and papers about minor things. Urgh.

Wauden · 23/03/2019 12:02

There could be other issues he is has which neither of you know about yet. Is the rest of his life healthy? Is he depressed and why?

Loopytiles · 23/03/2019 12:03

Yes, I agree with a PP, it comes down to the man being unwilling or unable to consider their partner’s feelings and interests.

ChristmasFluff · 23/03/2019 16:40

Surely having true intellect is about exploring all sorts of viewpoints and philosophies, not going down an echo-chamber rabbit-hole? OP, it isn't you whose intellect is failing.

Roscommonet · 23/03/2019 17:07

Does he have any other rigid thinking or behaviours?
ASD?

Middersweekly · 24/03/2019 10:57

I have an old friend like this. He is a Christian which I have no problem with in the slightest but the last decade he has been categorising the stars/ planet alignments etc and researchering “dooms day” and conspiracy theories in order to predict the end of the world and the second coming of Jesus (The rapture). He must have predicted the end of the world/ rapture over 100 times and of course we are all still here. He thinks everyone else is walking around with their eyes shut by not believing. His wife must have a hard time of it although I am sure she doesn’t actually know the full extent of what he posts online. She has however had him psychologically assessed and apparently he’s sane!

Original poster
tinkywinkyshandbag · 25/03/2019 09:37

Hi all thanks for your replies which I really found helpful. I'm not going to say what DH's views are specifically but lets just say he's at one specific end of the political spectrum. I think my discomfort is partly to do with his actual views and partly to do with how he expresses them, he can be very dogmatic at times. I think I've tended to take the approach of separating myself from him when he's like that, I tend to take myself off and do my own thing and he loses himself in his world of you tube. I just feel it's a shame, he has always had these views up to a point but it does feel as he's getting more extreme as he gets older. I don't want it to come between us but it does feel as if it is. I'm not a particularly political person, I'm interested, but not to the extent he is. He also seems to see it as his job to teach the children the "truth" - thankfully they are old enough to argue back and I think they take it with a pinch of salt a lot of the time! Also we do share other interests - we spent a nice weekend doing things together. So maybe I need to focus more on those things. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 25/03/2019 09:43

That approach sounds passive. Have you spoken to him about your concerns and asked him to make changes in how he speaks to others, especially your DC, about his views?

How old are your DC? This kind of thing has a negative impact on DC IME!

NotTheFordType · 25/03/2019 09:46

He's a prepper?

killpop · 25/03/2019 09:48

Why won't you say what the views are? It does make a difference.
Is he just politically different from you, or are his views illegal in some way? (Racist, sexist, bigoted etc)

BlingLoving · 25/03/2019 09:57

I think there can be a weird dogmatic view to some people. But I also think you can't be in a lon term relationship with someone whose political and moral views are completely different to yours. I just don't think it's possible. So if he starts to diverge too far from you, you will both struggle.

DH was a huge corbyn fan because he has similar (in my opinion, two dimensional) views on the issue of Palestine and the "evil west" and honestly, just this ONE issue and his refusal to even see a different perspective made it really hard for us. It wasn't that he disagreed with me, it was that he was so incredibly dogmatic about it and, like you, implied that I was brainwashed and stupid because I couldn't see how evil the entire west was in this context.... And that was ONE issue. On most other issues we are broadly aligned, not in 100% agreement but similar enough views and plenty of respect for the other person's opinion.

Personally, i think mutual respect is essential to any long term relationship. And if one thinks the other one is "stupid" for their views, that respect isn't exactly there and the relationship is probably doomed.

mawbroon · 25/03/2019 10:05

I have experience of this type of behaviour. I had psychosis a few years back and this is how my thoughts started until I became full on delusional and tried to get everyone to see "the truth".

There's no point in arguing about what he is actually saying. I remember having an unshakable belief that what I was saying was the truth and nothing anybody said would ever change my mind, because I had been chosen by God (I'm an athiest Grin ) to spread this message.

My concern is that what he is actually voicing is possibly the tip of the iceberg of what is actually going on in his head.

I'm not sure what to suggest, tbh. How is his MH generally? Any idea if he is having intrusive thoughts? Or hearing voices?

ravenmum · 25/03/2019 10:31

Is this weirder as in "more annoying" or weirder as in "first signs of brain issues"? Has he had a bump on the head recently? Is he forgetful or more aggressive than usual?