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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wish there was Adultery " Jail"

37 replies

Ferfeckssake · 22/03/2019 00:03

Currently in therapy after DH affairs. Therapist is guiding him to reveal all the details.Seems like just as I accept and try to move on, new revelations cause me to regress with any hope if healing.
Not anything major really.But as DH is literally squirming in his seat , I feel like I am being heartbroken all over again and again. And each week I am angry , sad, etc. And want him to suffer and be punished. I know this attitude is not helpful , especially as we are going to therapy with a view to staying together . So exhausting as I am constantly wavering and thinking I should leave.

So, I would love if DH could go to " jail", pay for his " crime" and come back with a clean slate. And then I might be OK

Load of shite, I know. But this is MN so I can vent , can't I ?

OP posts:

SkinnyPete · 22/03/2019 00:37

I'd be doing personal therapy to decide if I want to leave or not, if I was that unsure. Then do the couples therapy.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/03/2019 00:45

If I felt as angry as you sound, I’d leave. Why would you put yourself through months or years of agonising couples therapy when there’s really no guarantee you’ll feel any differently at the end of the process? Why did you decide to stay? Could you explore on your own your reasoning behind that and why you want to save the relationship?

I come at this from a completely different perspective to the one I imagine most people with my view do. I don’t experience jealousy around sex and my partner sleeping with other people doesn’t bother me - I’m not saying LTB because I believe it’s impossible to get over you partner cheating, more because this just sounds torturous for you.

DeRigueurMortis · 22/03/2019 00:50

For a start "new revelations" was a red flag for me.

Frankly, if your H is still not being honest and therapy is uncovering adulterous information then I'd say it's time to walk away.

If you choose to wear a hair shirt, don't complain to people that it's itchy and painful.

WisdomOfCrowds · 22/03/2019 01:29

Last year my partner told a big lie. Not an affair but something almost as bad in my eyes. We're trying to work through it but one of my conditions for so much as trying was that he had one chance to tell me everything. Nothing left out, nothing held back, I didn't care how small he though the detail was, if he'd so much as sneezed during that time and not told me he better confess. And if I ever, EVER, discover a single other surprise detail about that event, we will be over forever, I won't even try to get passed it. No way could I cope with the drip fed revelations. How the hell are you meant to move on that way?

Original poster

Ferfeckssake · 22/03/2019 03:41

DeRiguerMortis Bit harsh? No hair shirt but MN only place I can talk.
ComtesseDespair I can agree with your attitude too.Random shags I could have handled . This EA is harder to get over.
WisdomOfCrowds It isn't exactly drip feed as I know the big picture.It is the details that I am finding hard to bear.
He may just say " Well , we just talked about dogs, sending pictures " And I get angry that even the DOG was involved!

One reason I considered staying is that I am in my 50s, married nearly 30 years. Felt I had to give it a try. And financially vulnerable. And I don't hate him.

Scared of taking the leap and leaving .So, therefore .. Adultery Jail. It was only a random thought. Thought that was OK in MN land.

OP posts:

MumsyJ · 22/03/2019 04:02

OP please vent as much as you can on here, you're very much allowed to

It's quite hard during couple's therapy hearing new revelations that didn't come up prior. You know and understand your situation better than we do. If the his revelations are making you feel angry than hatred, then I'm sure in due time the anger will subside.

If your aim is to make it work, stay in that lane, but always feel free to vent. There's no crime in it.

weaseley · 22/03/2019 04:11

I totally get the desire to have the slate wiped clean by a third party who can tell you categorically that you're finished with this pain now and it's all done. Ultimately though, you hold the all power on that one. You get to decide how you process each new piece of information, each time it comes up. Whether you forgive each piece as part of a whole that you've already decided to move past, or whether each new revelation needs to be wrestled with. It's not easy.

Sending OP.

thefirst48 · 22/03/2019 04:31

So this man has multiple affairs from the sounds of it and you just forgive him after a few therapy sessions? Do you honestly think this leopard will ever change his spots?

Original poster

Ferfeckssake · 22/03/2019 06:58

Like I said, the so called revelations are minor details that DH didn't maybe tell me before because to HIM , they don't even register . He just wants to concentrate on working on repairing the marriage.
thefirst48hours Wish it was as simple as a few therapy sessions and forgiveness follows!

To be fair, he is doing his best to cooperate and keeps asking what he can do to make me feel better.Hence Jail theory.

Guess I am amazed at how much distress I still feel and how easily triggered those feelings are.
I really thought I had moved on from this stage.

Devil is in the details indeed

OP posts:

Deadbydaylight · 22/03/2019 07:13

Tell him he has to tell you everything, no matter how irrelevant it seems to him or you are walking. Be prepared to follow through on that threat, but he must tell you everything, and if anything after that comes up, you walk too because he yet again lied.

thefirst48 · 22/03/2019 07:19

Can I ask how many affairs he had? You know deep down you will never be able to trust him again. Once should of been enough. This man will never change. Put yourself first and not what you think is the right thing to do.

FinallyHere · 22/03/2019 07:45

Random shags I could have handled

We all have our limits.... i just couldn't be with someone who looked for and went for anyone but me.

Simples.

TheStuffedPenguin · 22/03/2019 07:53

i'm puzzled by your attitude that random shags would have been OK . You could go through all this then he will up and leave anyway . This is what happened to my friend after him begging to stay . Don't be scared of the future it could be so much better than your current life . My friend has met an amazing new man who adores the ground she walks on . 30 years you will get at least 1/2 of everything .

Original poster

Ferfeckssake · 22/03/2019 08:11

He worked away for years , only home weekends. So if I had heard about a drunken shag, I actually could have come to terms with that.I know that sounds bizarre but I am quite aware how meaningless they can be, having had my share in my younger days ()

Yep, the trust issue is huge. And yep, how does that ever change?

I am so not begging him to stay.I wanted to LTB immediately.

DH doesn't even understand lying through omission. He truly doesn't get that he needs to provide ALL details.It is almost comical sometimes .

And halve of not a lot, is bugger all

OP posts:

WisdomOfCrowds · 22/03/2019 12:12

I know what you mean about wanting him to just serve his time. I felt the same once about something I did that I couldn't forgive myself for. It was different to your situation as I hadn't actually done anything wrong (I see that now) but people kept telling me that I needed to forgive myself and all I wanted was to be punished. I wanted the police to arrest me, but I hadn't committed a crime. I even started attending church in the hope of finding people willing to agree with me that I was evil but they kept bloody forgiving me as well. So I totally get that. It's easier to quantify the pain that way I think, it puts a limit on it. But the fact is that a lot of people who go to actual prison go on to re-offend. Prison as a simple "wipe the slate clean" punishment doesn't really work, which is why so much of the focus is on rehabilitating offenders. If you're committed to counselling and working through this then you need to move in your mind from punishment to rehabilitation. Trust me, I've spent the last 6 months throwing every punishment I can think of at my partner and it hasn't made me feel even a jot better. I don't really know what will help but I would personally work on getting yourself into a position where you could leave if you wanted to. Find your own financial security, get copies of all important documents, work on your boundaries and self esteem etc. He's done this to you because a power imbalance exists which he's been able to exploit. He needs to give you back that power and then once you're holding a fair number of cards you can freely choose to stay with him. If he refuses to help you in this then he's still trying to leverage that power against you to stop you leaving, and you can bet he'll go on to abuse that power again in the future. If he's really sincere that he'll never do it again then giving up that power advantage will be no big deal for him. If not - well, you have your answer.

Original poster

Ferfeckssake · 22/03/2019 17:13

Wise words , all of you. It is great to hear others slant on these issues as don't discuss in RL with anyone.
Thanks for just being there, MNers .Just being responded to really helps.

OP posts:

KOKOtiltomorrow · 22/03/2019 18:19

OP I can understand you wishing he could just do his time and you both start again afresh. But you know that can't happen.

I too am looking up at mid 50s and have separated due to stbxh having an emotional affair which turned physical. First few months were hell on earth. I literally thought I was dying. Now I am.on the up. I still worry about being on my own - but there are no guarantees for any one.

No relationship is better than a shit relationship. My only regret is we didn't split sooner.

ForalltheSaints · 22/03/2019 18:55

If there was such a jail, Boris Johnson and Ryan Giggs would both be in there for a long time.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/03/2019 21:10

I'm sorry for your pain, Ferfekssake. I think you're doing yourself an enormous disservice by pre-determining that you want to stay together. How can you feel that this would give you the clean 'finish' of the adultery that you're craving? I mean, the instigator of that adultery, the cause of all your pain is sticking around like some kind of parasite. That's how I would feel about it anyway.

You and your husband are fundamentally different. You value fidelity; he does not. This isn't a situation where compromise can be reached and you can't re-write what is hardwired into you that faithfulness is the only scenario that works for you.

There is no 'cleansing' when there is an affair. You can draw a line and start again but it will never again be what it was before. That's what you have to come to terms with - and I think that realisation is what you're struggling with.

I wouldn't be telling myself the outcome I wanted before I'd gone through the process of dealing with the hurt and pain. Your desperation is going to hold you back in this, I think - and for a serial cheat, what's the incentive to stop?

I'm so sorry for you, it's rotten. I think you should be having counselling on your own, not with your husband who is a liar.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2019 21:21

Joint counselling is not recommended here.

Your H gets to absolve himself and you get your nose rubbed in it

Sounds like being forced to eat shit to me, and who wants to do that ?

SandyY2K · 22/03/2019 22:25

If he wants to know what he can do to help you... he can read a book called 'how to help your spouse heal from your affair' by Linda Macdonald

He should also read 'Not just friends' by Dr. Shirley Glass

Plus...

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
S/He must feel your pain.
S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

Arealhumanbeing · 22/03/2019 23:19

I wish people would stop marrying other people when they know it isn’t for them.

This story is as old as the earth and it will never not happen. Society’s absolute fixation with monogamous relationships being the only real way to have one and the pain and damage it brings about when someone fails at it (again) is absurd.

kingfisherblue33 · 22/03/2019 23:28

Op, how many affairs did your h have?

Why on earth are you doing couples therapy? I’d have therapy myself if I needed help whether to sling him out or let him come back and try again. Doesn’t sound like couples therapy is at all helpful. Urgh.

Original poster

Ferfeckssake · 23/03/2019 23:28

Have decided to take on board some advice and go for individual counselling.Our couples therapist did suggest it . I guess DH can only confess, show remorse and engage in therapy to try and restructure the marriage.
It is up to me how I accept, process and move on.Even if I don't stay in the marriage , I don't want hate, despair or any other negative feelings in my head.

OP posts:

Feckers2018 · 23/03/2019 23:54

Don’t do couples therapy. Just no. I did it once and it was horrific. I found my own therapist which was much more helpful. You see when you’re in shock you can’t help yourself and end up being a doormat trying to make things right when really it’s his job.

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