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Original poster

Not speaking to my daughter

61 replies

Atkinson1910 · 20/03/2019 17:48

It is 4.5 years since I last saw or spoke to my daughter. She just wouldnt see my grand daughters for 2 years and I missed out on their lives. Then her ex husband decided that I was needed in their lives. It was good at first and we set up a babysitting time of once per month, always staying at my house. Then it drifted because they were so busy. No I hardly see them at all. I'm not sure how to sort this situation out. I have text her ex husband and the girls are always doing things and have no time for me. It is when it is convenient to them both. I have text and phoned her in the past and she hasnt answered. I want to see the girls but I dont care if I dont see her again as I dont even like her. Sorry this is my daughter and I dont like her. Any ideas. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
H0wt0kn0w · 20/03/2019 20:32

You don't like her!

But you like her daughters. So I can see why she doesn't want you in her life.

What would she say about you? Right or wrong (in your opinion) what would SHE say the issue is between you two do you think?

Thatnovembernight · 20/03/2019 20:44

She isn’t letting you see her children because she knows you don’t like her so why would she? They are her children and only parents have ‘rights’.
My ex father in law tries to contact my children through me. He does it through me because he fell out with my exh/his son and now won’t talk to him. I’ve got my own issues with my exh but there’s no way I’m letting ex FIL leapfrog his own son to get to his children. If he wants a relationship with his grandchildren (my kids) then he needs to make amends with exh. I’m sure some people would disagree and say the kids will miss out but they really won’t. This man was a crappy father and he only wants photos to show off to people anyway.

springydaff · 20/03/2019 21:20

You won't get a fair hearing on here OP. You're in for a pasting.

Please please don't defend yourself on here. In fact, I'd get the thread deleted iiwy.

Google something like estranged grandparents and see what comes up. There are many in your position.

EssentialHummus · 20/03/2019 21:24

No one, who is not nice to or about me, would have ANY right to spend time with my children.

This with giant knobs on.

Thehop · 20/03/2019 21:28

My mother hates me. I’ve stopped her contact after she blocked my number. She still cries about how devastated she is that I won’t let her have my kids and texts my 8 year old asking him to go over. Crazy.

StillMe1 · 20/03/2019 21:33

@LaughingCow99

I know someone who is in a very similar position to your friend.

I wonder if it is the same person or if this is the way mothers treat grandmothers!

My friend has to do as she is told, providing money on demand, sums in the thousands, babysit at any hour of the day or night. She is shouted at constantly. She got petrified to do anything at all. She was advised by many, some people she knows and even some strangers felt the need to make comment.

Grandmothers are not perfect but neither are the mums who give them grief. And how good is it for the younger children to be used as pawns to control the grandmother? People are individuals and not here to be controlled by daughters or husbands!

LaughingCow99 · 20/03/2019 21:41

Stillme1 it's truly appalling. My friend has had to walk away from her grandchild. It's heartbreaking, but as she admits herself, if she doesn't walk away she will be controlled and treated appalling for the rest of her life.

I'm proud of my friend. Took years to get to this point though.

Lizzie48 · 20/03/2019 21:44

Why the hell would you expect your daughter let you see your grandkids if you don't like her??

StillMe1 · 20/03/2019 21:46

@LaughingCow99 the more you say the more I think either it is the same person or this is a modus operandi

Musti · 20/03/2019 21:47

You need to write more detail. Why don't you like your daughter?

Aussiebean · 21/03/2019 01:14

I think there is a difference between using a grandmother for money and babysitting versus not allowing them access when the mother is clear that they don’t like the parent.

You are comparing apple and oranges. They are different relationship dynamics and one scenario should not be used to justify the other.

Gingerkittykat · 21/03/2019 03:31

What led to you and your daughter being estranged?

I'm surprised she allowed the contact in the first place, I'm assuming if she just said no then the ex wouldn't be able to facilitate it.

Frenchmontana · 21/03/2019 04:24

I wonder if it is the same person or if this is the way mothers treat grandmothers!

Ah yes! Its must all be the mothers fault. I dont deny, that in some of these situations of course the mother will be the one at fault.

It doesnt follow that it must be how mothers treat grandmothers. Are claiming that women who are grandmothers can not be at fault.

For my part, I have never borrowed money or taken money off my parents. Even as a single parent. I tried for years to maintain a relationship with my mother. To the detriment to my own mental health.

LaughingCow99 · 21/03/2019 05:01

Aussiebean we don't know why the poster doesn't like her daughter. Perhaps it is justified. Perhaps the daughter doesn't treat her well. I don't think we should just assume the poster doesn't like her own child for the sake of it or over something trivial.

Unfortunately without any further info we are all surmising. I have seen a friend in tears over her daughter's treatment of her. I'm merely suggesting it may not be as clear cut as we think.

Thatnovembernight · 21/03/2019 06:34

The daughter may well be awful for a whole host of potential reasons. But it still doesn’t change the fact that the mother is saying she doesn’t want to see her own daughter or speak to her. The breakdown of this relationship is the reason she isn’t getting access.

LaughingCow99 · 21/03/2019 06:53

Yes, which is why I have suggested it is probably best to walk away. Her daughter decides who her child spends time with.

GigglesForEd · 21/03/2019 06:57

My Ds will not have him see me treated badly

This.

But very unfair to OP without having the full picture. Everybody has a mother, even awful people. OP not liking her daughter doesn't automatically make her the bad guy, she may have very good reasons fgs!!

And everybody forgets who is the important person here: not the mother, not the grandma, but the granddaughter. She is the one who has a right to have a relationship with her grandma (provided it is healthy).

My XH has banned his own parents from our DC lifes. Because they don't want to meet his girlfriend or because they talked to me. His mother is unimpressed and not very happy with him, with all the reason!

And on the other hand, the PIL were always mean and PA to me. I don't love them, they don't love me, but they love my DC and vice versa. So I don't have to ride on my high horse. My DC deserve that relationship, and I facilitate it. No need for me to like PIL or be friends. But I also don't have the right to strip my DC off it.

Fairylea · 21/03/2019 06:59

What is the backstory? Why don’t you like your daughter?

GigglesForEd · 21/03/2019 07:01

And talking about rights... yes, grandparents have legal rights to see their GC. Unless OP is abusive/unfit or similar, she can pursue the legal route to get visitation. Unfortunately it won't be much. But she has rights.

DonDadaOnTheDownLow · 21/03/2019 07:16

My children will not see their mother treated like dirt.

My parents went via my (abusive) ex-husband for contact and he facilitated it ... until one day my mother offered him money and legal assistance to fight for full custody to take them away from me so they could see them more - they didn't want custody themselves, simply for me to not have my own children.

Despite being an utter fucking fud, that move made him realise just how poisonous they are - until that point he'd always thought I was over-egging the pudding - and he is now NC with them too.

There is always a back story - and no woman ever turns her back on her mother without good reason because we feel like total and utter failures for not having this picture-perfect mother-daughter relationship anyway - and most of us keep on going back for years and years to get further shit upon.

Rock4please · 21/03/2019 07:32

You say that you don't like her, but I assume that you love her? Why did you become estranged? Why were you liaising with the ex instead of with her? I suspect that there is a lot of pain on both sides, which needs to be healed, if a 'normal' family relationship is to be restored.

I agree that the losers here are the DGC, as is so often the case, sadly.

Anothertempusername · 21/03/2019 07:47

No relationship with daughter, no relationship with grandchildren. It's perfectly simple.

blueskiesovertheforest · 21/03/2019 08:01

researchbriefings.parliament.uk/ResearchBriefing/Summary/CDP-2017-0120 GigglesForEd

"In England and Wales grandparents do not have an automatic right to see their grandchildren" (direct quotation from the parliamentary briefing above).

They currently have to seek leave to apply for contact through the court, which can be denied if their application is "hopeless or vexatious" before they can even apply for a contact order. In other words there is an extra layer of legal cases to go through to prevent grandparents even applying for contact, and bring granted leave to apply doesn't mean that any contact will be awarded at all. Where there is no history of contact and the grandchildren have no relationship with the grandparent it won't normally be granted by the courts.

Original poster
Atkinson1910 · 21/03/2019 08:10

Hi Guys. Sorry that I havent put the full story but it would take too long. I didnt expect you all to judge me though and come out with all of that vitriol and foul language. And what does OP mean? I'm sorry I posted this on here. Take care and have a lovely day.

OP posts:
Anothertempusername · 21/03/2019 08:15

"I dislike my daughter but want to see my grandchildren" what did you expect??