Is citalopram killing my relationship?

[helpamummaout]

I'm going to try keep this short whilst getting all the details in, hoping if anyone has been through similar they could talk to me.
Me and my Dp have been together almost 4 years, have 15 month old twins, always had a great relationship, love each other, so compatible, he's everything I want in a partner. I went through PND after having the twins and ended up having CBT and on citalopram anti depressants. My sex drive is none existent and recently we have sat down to speak about the relationship. I had been feeling like we were more just parents than a couple recently but didn't realise how my partner was feeling, it turns out he's not happy either and feels like we are a great team but not a couple and he has began feeling depressed. When I sit and think how I have been I feel so guilty. We never have Sex, I back away when he tries giving me and kind of affection, I've basically been treating him like a house mate . When I've thought about it I really think it's down to the citalopram, has anyone experienced anything similar. I am going to try get into the Drs in the next few days to discuss options with a Dr.
Thanks for reading this far

Did you read the possible side effects on the medication? I seem to recall most ADs can play havoc with libido. I was on citalopram and I'm sure it said it was a possible side effect although it didn't effect me at all.

Yeah I did, so I know the lack of libido is certainly down to that, it's just how I'm so "checked out" of my emotions I've been. Now I'm terrified I'm going to loose him!

Citalopram is known for knackering your libido. Most anti-depressants do, unfortunately. How are you feeling in yourself? Is there any way you could wean yourself off Citalopram (under your doctor's supervision obviously) or do you still feel you need it?

Citalopram can definitely affect your libido (I was practically anorgasmic on it) but it shouldn’t necessarily have prevented you from being physically affectionate in other ways. Is your partner willing to wait and see a while whether you can come off it or step up your affection anyway, or is he talking about the relationship as if it’s over?

My experience was that DPs treatment for anxiety and depression led to him being more affectionate and loving. Our sex life improved. I think maybe due to big changes in his lifestyle. He reduced work becoming semi retired and that removed a lot of stress and distraction.

Instead of being tired and grumpy of an evening he is carefree and can focus his attention on me. He also does stuff he enjoys and which allows him to be mindful.

So maybe think about your day and how you interact with each other. Do you switch off from being parents and so on.

But yes it is a side effect and you might need to consider other options which are less likely to do this.

Well yes antidepressants can kill your libido but then so can depression itself.

I took 60mg citalopram for 2 years due to severe pnd - they don’t even prescribe that dose anymore. It saved my life - I was suicidal and unable to bond with my daughter (now aged 15 and we have a wonderful relationship) as I had a traumatic birth and felt irrationally angry towards my dd. The citalopram brought me back from the brink - having a sex drive was very low down on my list of priorities. As the pnd lifted and I came off the citalopram I decided to leave my then dh, but that was because the relationship was awful and then I met a new partner and my libido returned - but whether that was due to being happier generally or being off the citalopram I’m not sure.

I do know it was amazing stuff though and I don’t regret taking it at all.

I’m going to say something different here. Cotalopram May affect libido but it doesn’t automatically. I was on the maximum dose and never found it an issue at all. However, toddlers are exhausting mentally and physically and loss of libido is a definite strong possibility with them!!
You being well enough to care for your children and yourself may require you taking ADs for a while, that’s not something to feel guilty about or think about not taking hoping it makes him happier. You’re both still adjusting to being parents and the new rollls, keep talking and cuddling and showing you care.

Both me and DH are on citalopram. Sex is a distant memory.

Generally I feel so much better in myself for being on them, I've lost 2 stone as I started caring for myself again, started running which is great for my mind. The girls sleep for 12 hours so I don't think it's down to them now, they are still exhausting in the day so on a night I just end up sat in my own little world watching tv ect which results in me and my partner not talking much, I then go to bed around 9.30. I am hoping my Dr will think I can start gradually coming off them as the only thing really getting me down now is how the relationship has gotten, kinda feel like I'm stuck in a vicious circle!
Thanks for all your replies I appreciate it

OP, you should not exacerbate your MH by coming off medication you need in order to have or want sex. If your DH loves you, he will put sex on the back burner until you are ready, and until your MH improves enough not to need medication. Most couples don't get their mojo back in the bedroom for literally years after DC are born due to exhaustion, constant demands of young children, etc. Don't rush into any decisions.

It's not just down to sex though I wouldn't do it just for that and as I said previously I'm feeling so much better mentally the only thing that is bothering me at the moment is these problems within the relationship.

My husband took citalopram for over a year and I can honestly say it nearly destroyed our marriage. Not so much the lack of sex drive but that was a factor more just the constant mood swings, it took several months for it to "kick in" . I guess I also very much felt that he wasn't really depressed - he had gone to the doctor with flu and his doctor told him to take anti depressants! It felt like I was constantly on edge around him And was scared of saying the wrong thing so we just didn't really speak much. His reactions to things seemed slower; duller, I guess more lifeless. He wasn't going to counselling sessions so it seemed like there was no end in sight with us having to live like that and we did separate for a while. We got back together and a few months later he came off the medication and we ve never been stronger x

Citralopram is an old drug and tbh not that great. I'd suggest sertaline. They don't like prescribing that cause it costs more money. I would suggest changing it just to see if it makes a difference, but you'd have to do it slowly.

I guess I just wanted to give a view from the other side of how your partner might be feeling - most of the time on MN it seems like people who live with partners who have MH issues get overlooked. It's bloody hard - when you're having a bad day you feel like you can't say that to your partner because their the ones who are clinically depressed. So you bottle it all up - you get depressed yourself but don't have a drug which takes the edge off and often feel like well I can't go get treatment for it now because one of us has to keep it together. It's very lonely x

Thanks for that @custardtarts there could be hope for me yet! I feel pretty numb, the feeling of being terrified that I'm going to loose my partner is probably the most feeling I've had in months and months. I'm hoping the Dr listens to my concerns and either helps me switch medication or wean off gradually

Yeah it is nice to hear from the other side,
Although I am quite aware I've probably been a nightmare, he can't do right from wrong with me. Now I feel responsible for the fact he is so down. He has been amazing through everything never pressured me with Sex ect, even stopped trying to hug/kiss me as I was always pulling away. He must feel extremely rejected, I know if the boot was on the other foot I couldn't live like that.

@helpamummaout constant rejection from my DH really hurt too and was made worse by fact citalopram reduces make fertility as well as sex drive so we had to turn to ivf which made the resentment even worse on my part

In the end he came off them without telling me - whilst on holiday! Wouldn't advise that but it did the job! X

I'm glad things are sorted between you two now. I once missed 4 days (by accident) couldn't get to the Drs then it was the weekend, it was horrible! I felt like I was going crazy so I'll deffo be doing it under dr supervision

I'm going to suggest something you might not have thought of. That how you feel isn't the anti-depressant but that your depression is only resolved so far and that you are still having issues connecting to people. Self-care is the first step in recovery but then you have to move "out of yourself". You should be really proud of yourself for getting self-care right though, so many people fail at it!

I think you need to sit down and talk about the relationship difficulties that have been caused by you not being well. Let him get out his disappointments and fears. You said it all in that you are only now depressed that your relationship is in a bit of a hole. What is stopping you connecting to him and being affectionate to him. Where's the fear of him that stops you? If you've had PND are you frightened of getting pregnant again? (these are just ideas only you'll know). Mostly I think it's habit, depression stops you connecting and then you don't and it doesn't seem to wholly matter but it does.

Really, honestly, just try giving your partner random hugs he isn't expecting, touch him on the arm. Don't aim for sex. Aim to feel that feeling you only get when they touch you. Don't expect it but don't not try for it.

You've had a bad time, be kind to yourself. You're doing so well but mental illness is a hard slog back, particularly mending relationships.

I was prescribed Citalopram for pmt - it did not agree with me! Made me depressed all month long and made me the most bad tempered unpleasant bitch imagineable and took away my sex drive.
Speak to your Dr before your relationship takes a bigger hit.

@SixDot941 thank you for your reply. It's actually really resonated with me. I think there is probably some deep rooted issues. I had a bad upbringing (alcoholic/drug addict mother) I ended up in care at 10 years old. My mum passed away when I was 22 years old. I suppose I kind of thought it can't be anything to do with all that as I haven't always been like this, we connected originally and I had no problem with affection then,so not sure why things have changed now. Perhaps the PND has triggered something, I don't really know and don't know what to do about it all. God what a mess!

Is one of your twins a girl?

When we have our children, or when we are deciding to have them, it automatically makes us think of the way we were patented. We don't want to "do to our kids what was done to us". I had a difficult upbringing. I won't deny it but at the same time I recognise that my parents gave me what they were able and it was enough. It must be hard to not have your Mum be there now. I know how hard it was for my Mum without hers.

Ultimately I think your root issue with wanting to connect (talking, affection, sex) is because you are like me, you desperately want to be perfect to your partner because you love them so god damn much you want to be perfect to them. You feel that by having PND and being depressed you let him down. You "ruined" his image of you being perfect and perfect can't not be wanted.

I'll tell you a secret. You're partner loves your vulnerabilities best, more than any other part of you. They are the bit that makes his heart hurt for you and with you. What he doesn't love is that you hide your vulnerability from him, that you don't trust him to be gentle with all those wounds. He'd gladly wash all of them gently, every day until they are healed. That is the truth of love. You would do it for him.

Have you considered getting some counselling? I think there are lots of tools that could help you. I know it helped me greatly.

They are both girls, what makes you ask?
Yeah I suppose you are right. Especially the part about wanting to give the children the best upbringing, it terrifies me that we could end up splitting and the girls would come from a broken family, when I wanted the total opposite from them. I'm so bad at communicating, I find it easier to write things down so I think I'll have to do it more often than bottle everything up.
I had CBT but I don't feel it helped that much other than me learning how to deal with stress from the girls.

I asked because I knew one at least must be a girl. You are framing your children in your childhood and you've become terrified that you'll fuck them up. We all hear that the mother/daughter relationship is hard, ours was hard we're conditioned to panic as women that if we aren't the perfect mother's our daughters will reject us. Boys, boys forgive their mommas!

Your Mum wasn't perfect. Mine neither. We are not destined to repeat their mistakes if we learn from their mistakes. You know the things that truly emotionally ruined you as a child. It wasn't the clip around the ear, it wasnt where your parents could afford to live, it wasn't that they made you wear that horrible dress. It was that you didn't feel secure or loved.

You know how to create love and security for your children. You can keep them safe. You are and will continue to be the best Mum you can be. So relax, allow yourself to open back up. Right now your a tightly coiled bud of fear and anxiety for yourself, your children, your partner. You aren't letting yourself blossom into the wonderful woman you are, not embracing it through fear you won't be perfect and everyone will suffer.

You won't be perfect. Your kids will have some issues, everyone has bloody issues. All you can do is help them fix any programming bugs as they come up, just like game developers do!

Could I suggest you start having fun? To remember what it's like to just let go of all the anxious control? Enjoy your babies, enjoy your partner. Let go of all that future fear about your capacity. You got this far, you'll learn. We all do.

Thanks so much @SixDot941 everything you've said makes so much sense has helped me understand a lot.
Yeah I will deffo try having more fun