I've been such an idiot, how do I fix this?

[Lockcodger]

Please be kind because I know I have been a complete idiot and I'm already beating myself up for this but hopefully someone may not make the same mistakes as me after reading this.

I started a relationship with a friend who helped me escape a very toxic and abuse relationship, however he was also friends and living with my ex at the time. Because of the fall out, his friend (my ex) kicked him out and new 'D' P was essentially homeless and like a fool, I took him in.

He promised it would only be for a while until he found a place but then he started asking to borrow money for a specific thing that he needed which was alot of money. I agreed to put it on my credit card and he promised to pay me back monthly. Like an idiot, I never got him to sign any documents relating to this.

Over the next few months, the excuses came and went about why he couldn't pay me back and then he asked me to pay his car insurance (nearly £200). He needs his car for work and I felt pressured to pay it for him because without a car, he would lose his job and then I'd have no way of getting any of the larger amount back that he owed.

He asked me to do this two more times and again like an idiot I relented. This whole time (6 months) he has been living with me completely rent and bill free, promising with each payday that this would be the month he would start paying me back, but of course I never got a penny back. I've also spent money putting petrol in his car, bought him clothes and even lent him £50 so he could lend it to a family member which I never got back either.

We broke up yesterday and I asked him to leave. He spent the night in his car parked outside my house, accosted me on the way to my car in the morning and has been trying to talk to me all day, even though I made it clear I don't want to get back together EVER and that I'd call the police if he turns up at my house again.

I now realise he was most likely a covert narcissist and I'm so scared I wont be able to recover my money. I've been texting about the money today as I can't even afford my minimum card payment coming out on Friday and hes just been reading my messages and ignoring them.

I've submitted a small claims against him and have evidence of the payments made from my credit card but I'm scared without a signed contract or even a text where he says he'll pay me back, I wont be able to get any money back from him.

What are my chances of recovering the money?

Nil unless you had a legal contract.
Hope you are ok.

You won't get the money back.
It's an expensive life lesson.

I don't know the answer to your question but I just wanted to say, don't be too hard on yourself, we've all made expensive/stupid mistakes. Learn from it and move on.

OP, you really need to ask yourself why your self-esteem is so low that you feel you have to give him what he asks for - money in this case - in order to make him like you?

Because this will happen again and again unless something changes. If you do manage to not go back to him when he starts apologising and promising you the moon on a stick or whatever, which is actually what is going to happen next, then please, spend some time alone. Find out what a good, strong person you are. And then, when you really appreciate yourself, go and find a partner who also appreciates you.

This is an expensive lesson I’m afraid...

You have no chance. Learn from it.

He sounds like a complete wanker

It’s a very expensive life lesson, one you won’t learn or recover from by repeating the mistake of waiting for him to be different.

No chance, sorry. Recover you instead

Same as happened to my DSis. She has been to CAB and no she can't recover the money. He claims that it was a gift and she can't prove otherwise. Very very expensive lesson.

Being philosophical it's worth that money to be rid of him.

You are relying on his goodwill to get your money back and unfortunately I suspect this is nil.
If you cannot pay, or borrow enough money to pay, your minimum credit card payment, don’t just just ignore it. Phone the company up and explain that you cannot pay and, if you have normally paid on time in the past, they may allow some leeway.

This is what I'm scared of, that he will claim it was a gift and will be able to get out of paying.

He text me last night on Facebook (I've blocked him on everything else) and he said "I’ll make the first payment to your account tomorrow as agreed ... I’ll never take advantage of you, I’m forever in your gratitude x". Is this enough to hold up in court because he's at least admitting he needs to make the first (of many) payments.

Should I try to get him to sign something now? I think I still have a small window where he thinks I might get back together with him which I could possibly use to my advantage.

If that fails, I hope the letter from court to him yesterday has scared him into paying at least something.

I really hope he gives me something today so I can at least make it through to payday at the end of the month . My credit card won't let me pay late or a reduced amount because it's due in less than 7 days.

If he is making noises about accepting it is a debt to you, then encourage that conversation and use it in small claims. But, here’s the stinger, how is he going to pay if you win the case. You will be trying to get blood out of a stone.

Haffiana I recognise now that I'm most definitely a co-dependent and have an irresistible urge to make people like me by giving them what they want.

He was so clever about it though, selling me his sob story about how hard his life has been, ending a friendship over me and pretending like he cared about what my previous partner had put me through (he was harassing me and tried to get me fired from my job at the time) and new 'D' P was helping with the police investigation.

It wasn't until a counsellor told me this man in a narcissist too that I even began to consider it. I saw him as down on his luck, working hard to sort his life out as in the beginning he couldn't be more helpful around the house, running errands, fixing things. He slowly became more and more lazy, reducing his hours at work and never applying for the numerous jobs I sent him that would pay more.

I now recognise that any man that can live a parasitic existence is abusive. It is abusive to expect another person to look after you financially at their expense and his chronic irresponsibility is another characteristic of narcissism.

The funny thing is that he could recognise my ex was a narcissist (an overt one) and seemed to despise him for this but was completely unable to see his own narcissism and made excuses for everything.

I know I have alot of work to do on myself, after a year of being in abusive relationships, my sense of what is normal anymore is completely skewed. I will most definitely be staying away from any relationships as i can recognise now how vulnerable i am

Please don’t feel you’re alone in doing this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3535037-Stupid-me
I was with my partner for 3.5 years; the borrowing of money started after the first few months. To be fair to my ex, he did pay towards bills etc (when he was working, which wasn’t always!), but it was always such a back-and-forth, giving me some then borrowing it back. He has several addictions which — looking back — I was blissfully unaware that I was paying for.

You have been far stronger than I have in that you’ve kicked him out, started legal proceedings and have told him in no uncertain terms that he’s not welcome. It has taken me six months since we split up to get to that point! Stick to your guns and don’t let him manipulate you. If he’s anything like my ex, he will know exactly what to do/say to gain your sympathy and win you round. Don’t let him. In that respect, I’d suggest not using that “window” to make him sign something — it could well backfire on you.

It might be worth a call to your credit card company to explain the situation. Explain that you’ve made a claim against him which is currently in progress. They might be helpful, they might not...but it’s worth a try. If they won’t budge, do you have family you can ask for help? I know (don’t I bloody just) how embarrassing it is, but it might be your only option for this month.

I hope you can stay strong and get this sorted out. Oh, and if/when he does give you some money, don’t be pathetically grateful like I was. This is now a business transaction, not a personal one. Say thank you and leave it at that. Don’t, please don’t, get sucked in by him again.

This too shall pass, as my wise mother always says x

Sorry, Lockcodger, cross-posted with you. Just read that and I’m ow even more reminded of the similarities with my situation!! Stay strong x

How much money are we talking op? It might be worth just writing it off - less stress and you don’t have to pretend you are getting back with him.

Stormy it's in the region of 3k. Too much for me to simply write off. I asked him to come over this morning and he signed a contract. I've allowed him a year to pay me back monthly and he scoffed when I told him it'll be around £260 a month, saying he could only afford £100 at the moment and was annoyed I'd asked for the same interest as my credit card (cos that's what I'm bloody paying!!!). That doesnt even cover my minimum payment and he certainly wasn't saying that when he wanted the money.

He made some veiled threats about contacting my work to back up the false allegations my previous ex made to my employer as I threatened to tell his family how much money he owes (which is not even remotely the same thing but shows who he really is). He tried to start a conversation about how sorry he is and he wants to try again but I shut it down immediately.

I gave him £30 yesterday to put petrol in his car to stay with his family about 200 miles away but he told me he's staying in the area which I'm really pissed off about. I made it clear he shouldn't make that decision based on me as I wont be talking to him again. He didn't even offer to pay back the £30 which he hasn't spent on the intended purpose but I guess I shouldn't expect any less from him.

LMBoston I'm so sorry you've been through this too. ive read through your thread and there are so many similarities. I didn't realise the extent of his debt until the default payment letters and CCJ's started coming to my address and he promised that it was his past catching up with him and he was trying to start a new life and pay for things. He drives a newer car than mine and his insurance is ridiculously high, but instead of selling the car, he's prioritising his debt to other people over his debt to me.

The guilt and shame is unbearable and I only admitted to my sister yesterday how much money he owes so I can totally understand. I couldn't ask my family for money, I'll just have to have a default payment this month

I just can't believe I fell for his poor me bullshit. Anyone who doesnt have their shit together at 36 never will!!!

Oh, Lock, I do feel for you. It’s not really the money that’s the deepest wound here, it’s the self-disgust. Or it is for me. I, too, find it so hard to refuse when the loved one (hahahaha!!!) begs for help. Then I end up kicking myself that I couldn’t be strong and say no. There is SO MUCH I could have put into that thread, the pathological lying, the ultra-kind and sweet man that would turn in a second to the nasty, frightening one, the drug binges and constant drama, but it would just make me feel even more stupid to detail it all when I’m well aware I should’ve got out of the relationship at the first red flag.

Part of the problem is that nice, normal people don’t behave like these two men — I’ve never dealt with someone like my ex, and it’s impossible to understand just how manipulative and toxic they can be until you’ve been sucked in by them. I’m wary of bandying around terms like narcissist and sociopath, but the more I read about these traits the more I see exactly how these people operate.

When in a particularly vindictive mode, he used to mock me and say, “Oh yes, everyone’s lovely in LMBoston land, all pink and fluffy and happy...get fucking real” That hit hard — I’ve had plenty of troubles (divorce, health, business etc) but I’m generally a positive, independent person and I suppose I expected him to be the same.

You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. Please keep us updated about how things are going; in the nicest possible way, I’m glad I’m not the only one in this bloody boat! X

Speak to your credit card company and make an arrangement with them. Don't just default a payment. You'll end up in a mess. Sort out a payment plan with them that you can afford even if he doesn't pay you. Do it now.

Also has he signed the contract? What date is he going to start paying you back?

You could try engaging him in conversation (written) about the total amount owed ...specifying how he's promised to pay it back to you.

I've seen good old Judge Rinder use that written acknowledgement of monies owed to determine it was a loan and of agreement to pay you back.

The problem is he never committed to a timeline and he could say he still intends to pay you back.

A guy who gets with his friends Ex in the manner he did, is not a decent friend and you should also not have gone there with him.

I'm so sorry this has happened but whatever you do don't give him another penny!

Could you transfer the amount to an interest free card? There will be a few but it might be better than the interest.

Does he own anything he can sell to pay you back faster?

Could you appeal to his family?

Re small claims, yes you could win but actually getting the money after that isn't guaranteed.

He's just paid £130 today (I asked for the £30 back for the petrol). He signed the contract today which states he has to pay me monthly and the final amount is due in 1 year.

I'm hoping today wasn't a one off to get me off his back.

I know I shouldn't have started a relationship with him but my head was a mess at the time and I felt like he was helping to protect me. Looking back, it made me the perfect victim as I felt indebted to him already so it was easy for him to mooch off me.

I mentioned about telling his family but then he threatened to back up my exes false allegations to my workplace (ex was trying to get me fired last year) if I said anything. I may have won a battle today but I have a feeling I haven't won the war.

I'll look into a 0% card but applied for one a few months ago and got declined so I don't want to ruin my credit further by applying again too soon.

And yes, he could sell his car (which is where the majority of his money and £500 of my money went on) and buy a cheaper one but he wont.

I asked him to do that whilst we were together and he didn't, despite acknowledging that it was unaffordable for him so I doubt he will do it now.

He even asked me to put myself down as a guarantor on a loan in his name to pay me back. Don't know how he managed that one with a straight face

Just a quick question — is he registered at your address? I’m assuming so, if his debt letters etc were coming to your house after he moved in? If he is sleeping in his car/sofa-surfing, does that mean his post will still be coming to you?
You need to address this (no pun intended!) because now he’s not got you to leech off, the payday loans etc might start...at your address. I’ve had a debt collector round here today looking for my ex because he’s of “no fixed abode” but using my details still. Not trying to worry you but it’s something you need to be aware of.