Anyone with someone who enjoys objectively offensive banter/jokes but in practice is a decent, loving man?

[Hollyboat]

I’m dating someone like this. I like him a lot. He’s funny, he’s ambitious, he’s opinionated. But he’s made some sexist comments, for instance jokes about dinner on the table when he gets in. He also has some political views I don’t partocularly agree with, but all said in discussions and laughing along the way between us...

Initially I thought this was a red flag (been in an abusive relationship before). I’ve spoken about it with friends and they say that I enjoy banter and encourage it and if he’s just having a laugh and in reality is caring and respectful then happy days all round?

I do encourage the banter. I like a bit of controversy and I like discussing things. I don’t mind sexist jokes (I make them too) but would never want to be treated badly because I’m a woman and nor would I treat a man badly because he’s a man.

I guess if I’m engaging in it too then if there’s a red flag I have them too! But would this bother you?

It wouldn't bother me initially - if certain it was just a joke - but it's not really my type of humour, so would quickly become wearing!
These things are pretty subjective though, so if it doesn't bother you, there's no issue.

I was going to answer yes after reading your title, but after reading the full thing, no. Be wary of the political views especially, that is a big red flag for me, its a socially acceptable way of showing you they are a prick.

However my DH and I do banter all the time. I.e. this morning me:"jesus I told you that, you really don't listen do you?" him "thing you have to understand is if you're a man with a huge penis, the hormone for listening is barely active" me: "not sure why that's a problem for you then?"

So not the nicest conversation, but just ribbing eachother and we definitely weren't doing it until we were very comfortable in our relationship!!

I think it depends on the context. Does he actually have these political views and believe it’s more your job than his to do things around the house just because you’re a woman?

My dh and I occasionally make jokes about such things. The difference is though that we are both quite progressive and have a very egalitarian relationship and we do it ‘ironically’ - because it’s so outlandish that either of us would ever express views like that.

If he does truly have objectionable political views and does it to subtly put you in your place in a joking way, that’s a massive red flag for me. My values are important and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who had such different values to me.

Mine was like that. Nice guy. Great guy. Helps everyone. Wow, what a guy!

Turned out to be an abusive nightmare who resented being nice and helpful all the time, but put it in a big sack of accumulated resentments which he then took out on me at home with the most horrendous psychological violence until I almost broke.

He's not just joking. He's showing you who he really is, in palatable enough format to allow you to discount it...until it's too late.

It really depends on what he says and in what context. I'd need to know more in order to comment. What are his political views?

I worry more about people who can't joke. Kind of like how when someone ribs you, you know they like you. If someone is studiously polite to me, I wonder what they are hiding.

I did pull him up on it and said are you sexist? Obviously I know he’s not going to say yes if he is, but the way he answered made me think twice, he genuinely seemed surprised that I suggested he may be.

His political views and quite ring wing. That’s not a flaw in my mind though. Can’t write someone off because they are right wing - in my opinion anyway.

*are quite right wing!

It’s not just those sort of comments though. Sometimes it’s really laddish. He’ll talk to me like I’m one of his mates, in the name of banter.

Watch out for ‘I’m Alright Jack’ attitudes. You might be on the receiving end some time.

What do you know about this past relationships?

If the "jokes" are sexist then I think they reflect his underlying beliefs. I think it's an issue if you want an equal relationship or you maybe happy with more traditional role. If a partner made a joke about dinner on the table I would have to ensure that he knew it wasn't going to happen unless he also reciprocated.

I prefer that the views are out there rather than hidden as covert is much worse. Ex was very politically correct but held sexist views.

ASundayWellSpent, I think that is fine as your dh is laughing at himself, that is banter and I would joke with men in similar way.

It depends if they're funny or clever jokes really.

If its like "dp, I'm going out tonight"
DP: "but what about my dinner on the table" laughs heartily

I'd be thinking (saying) wheres the joke there? It's not a joke, is it? Just because someone laughs, doesnt make it a joke.

Look at laughing boy Nigel Farage. Never stops laughing, does he?

Just because your guy is laughing it doesn't mean he doesn't say what he thinks.

Sorry, that should be: Just because your guy is laughing it doesn't mean he's not saying what he thinks.

Are you quite young? This kind of behaviour ages badly. In a decade’s time he will be embarrassing you.

I know I wouldn’t find it funny.

Dh and I joke all the time. He teases me relentlessly about women being at the kitchen sink, dinner on the table, my feet being incredibly small (which they are) so I can get closer to the sink.

He doesn't think these things, doesn't think women are supposed to do this, he's a fabulous cook and does more household tasks and ironing that even I do, and I do tonnes. So that's why I just raise my eyebrows at his naff banter.

And tease him about men generally, small cocks, thinking with your dick ......

Just banter.
I've never had an even mildly abusive relationship before. 0%
But if you've filters are skewered, then you need to be aware.

I'd be pretty put off because I like intelligent, witty men and I've never met somehow who likes 'jokes' like this who isn't pretty dim.

When someone tells you they objectify women, believe them.

Banter like this is akin to sarcasm, which is just a nice coat of paint on top of hostility.

Somebody’s political views has no bearing on whether they are a decent non-anusive individual btw, I was naive with my first husband thinking that as he was as left-wing as me and talked the talk about equality that he MUST be a good man. He is actually vile and abusive. My second husband is right-Wimg yet gentle, supportive, respectful of everyone and truly does believe in equality between all. First husband never joked, 2nd one often sad jokes that before would have made me thinking ugh no way. I’ve luckily really learnt a lot about the type of man I actually trust to have my back completely. Go with how he makes you feel.

You say you like sexist jokes. Do you like racist, homophobic, disablist, anti-semitic jokes too? If not, why is sexism ok but the others aren't, particularly since you're a woman yourself?

No one admits to being sexist. No one believes themselves to be sexist. Those who actually are think that banging on about sexism is a sign you're a humourless man-hating lesbian.

In the same way abusive parents (e.g. those who slap their kids about) don't think they're abusive, they just think their children should be more respectful and how they raise their kids is no one else's business.

You can't ask someone what they are. Most people don't really know. You can only observe their behaviour and draw your own conclusions.

Someone upthread seemed to think you could either be studiously polite or make sexist jokes. There is a third way. There are funny jokes that are not offensive to anyone.

I couldn't be arsed with a bloke who was so self absorbed that he could not understand why I don't find sexism particularly funny.

My partner is very similar to be in values and whilst very funny, he wouldn't tell bigoted jokes.
Politics is a deal breaker for me so I wouldn't be with him if we weren't fairly similar politically.

Depends on if you find the jokes funny or not. If you don't find them funny but he's saying you should then yes that would be an issue. If you actually do find them funny, then no issue 🤷. Not everyone has the same sense of humour.

So he’s a sexist pig with politically dubious views? Yeah, crack right on.