Anyone with someone who enjoys objectively offensive banter/jokes but in practice is a decent, loving man?

[Hollyboat]

I’m dating someone like this. I like him a lot. He’s funny, he’s ambitious, he’s opinionated. But he’s made some sexist comments, for instance jokes about dinner on the table when he gets in. He also has some political views I don’t partocularly agree with, but all said in discussions and laughing along the way between us...

Initially I thought this was a red flag (been in an abusive relationship before). I’ve spoken about it with friends and they say that I enjoy banter and encourage it and if he’s just having a laugh and in reality is caring and respectful then happy days all round?

I do encourage the banter. I like a bit of controversy and I like discussing things. I don’t mind sexist jokes (I make them too) but would never want to be treated badly because I’m a woman and nor would I treat a man badly because he’s a man.

I guess if I’m engaging in it too then if there’s a red flag I have them too! But would this bother you?

Me and dp are both like this (him slightly more so). In our case we just see an ‘opening’ for a punchline and say it. Sometimes about each other, about whatevers on the tele, anything.

However, there is no abuse in our relationship whatsoever (been together nearly a decade). We do occasionally argue, of course, but these jokes have no bearing on that ie they never become ‘real’. There isn’t a power imbalance, he doesn’t expect me to do certain things because I’m a woman etc.

He’s the most supportive person in my life, and we’ve been through job losses, long term illnesses physical and MH, all sorts of major issues. The ‘banter’ has never been reflected in any part of our lives.

This is tough one, I'd say my DH is a bit like this. Can make 'laddish' jokes when he's with his work mates and could come across as a bit of a prick if you didn't know him. But I've also been there when someone has made a genuinely sexist remark and DH will always pull them up on it.

If you think it's genuinely just banter, I wouldn't worry too much.

I agree @NewAccount270219

Ah banter .....that word often used when someone expresses offensive views ( usually misogynistic ) but tries to pass it off as humour. That way if you get offended it's your fault for not having a sense of humour.

Sexist 'banter' is not acceptable in passing acquaintances imo so is most definitely unacceptable in a relationship.

Banter = being offensive but not having the balls to stand behind it and hiding behind ‘it’s a joke’ bullshit. Why are trying so hard to ‘understand’ him? You’re dating for crying out loud, the purpose of which is to see if you’re compatible and share similar values.

What are your values OP and does he share them? There’s nothing wrong with having opposing views but when that opposing view is in direct conflict with your own values, then you will have problems.

The problem I see here is you have no idea where your boundaries are, which makes it incredibly easy for someone to step over them without being aware.

No way could I be with someone like this. 'Laddish' behaviour makes my skin crawl. DH and I make each other laugh plenty without any of the 'jokes' you describe.

Plus I could never be with someone very right wing so I'd be off like a shot.

Ah banter .....that word often used when someone expresses offensive views ( usually misogynistic ) but tries to pass it off as humour.

Banter = being offensive but not having the balls to stand behind it and hiding behind ‘it’s a joke’ bullshit.

Yes to both these. My vagina would shut up shop.

Depends on the context. I’m really not keen on’geezers’ who think anything left of Farage is too PC, but I do like a laugh and I like intelligent sarcastic ‘wit’. If it’s making you cringe now, it will make you run for the hills in 10 years, so work out how much it bothers you

Satire= funny
Punching down jokes = cheap and shit

It's not a fine line between satire and plainly bigoted views being veiled as "jokes". They may cover the same subject matter, but the butt of the joke is essentially the "opposite", so they're very different.

I love off-colour jokes and love making my DH wince.

My husband THINKS he's the very definition of a 'gentleman', and his manners are, generally speaking, impeccable and his attitudes towards women fair, supportive and understanding.

HOWEVER, there are times when I could cheerfully smash a brick through his f*cking teeth for some of the overtly sexist attitude, and sometimes downright misogynistic comments, he makes.

For example, the word 'slag'. I've never believed this is a mans' word to use. Ever. It's only ever used by men in a negative way and shows inherent disrespect for the woman being thus described. My husband hardly ever uses it.... now. And on any occasion he does, I remind him how offensive I find it, and that I do not wish him to use it - in my presence or otherwise. Neither do I consider this as 'policing' someone else's speech; there is no way any man should be using that word to describe any woman.

Secondly, he regularly describes feminism/feminists as 'militant' and rolls his eyes when I move to counter. He's a white, middle-class male, so of course, there's always going to be an absence of experience when it comes to truly comprehending the shit women have to contend with, but the day I DON'T counter this throw-away attitude to feminism is the day I become a passive bystander to the struggles of my sex.

I'm not saying ALL men should be held up as poor examples of this kind of behaviour, but before my husband and I were together, I get the distinct impression his views on female emancipation were somewhat less agreeable than they are now so, y'know, let's keep an eye on that shit.