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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be doing all the chasing ?

27 replies

Doideservethis1234 · 19/03/2019 10:46

Been with my partner for a few years now and we went through a tough patch months ago but we stayed together after infidelity on their part. Things are good, but I seem to be the one who does all the chasing making nice comments and generally trying to be the best I can be with what seems little effort from my partners side

My OH isn’t one for all the lovey dovey romantic stuff and it hurts when it’s not reciprocated back. I should know what my OH half is like but I still find myself setting myself up for a fall by generally trying too hard maybe ?

Is it possible to love some one too much ??

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 19/03/2019 11:37

I don’t think you’ll win here. I’m not a fan of the lovey doves stuff myself but, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love DH to bits.

You can change how you react to him but, not change him

hellsbellsmelons · 19/03/2019 11:39

So they cheat on you and now you are doing all the work.
I think you know what to do.
What are you getting from this relationship?
Other than hurt and let down.
You deserve better - and you know it!!!!

HollowTalk · 19/03/2019 11:45

Why are you all over him when he's cheated on you and betrayed you?

Original poster
Doideservethis1234 · 19/03/2019 11:45

Thanks for the reply, some times I feel I should be less full on but after the affair I feel that I need to tell him how I feel about him all the time ? Silly I guess. It’s been hard but I’m sure we will get over this and be happy once agin

OP posts:
gower4 · 19/03/2019 11:49

How can you get over it and be happy again when it's basically one-sided? I'm sorry to be harsh, but you need to move on. It's a classic case of 1) he's just not that into you 2) he's an arse, so why would you want him to be? Find someone worthy of your love.

MashedSpud · 19/03/2019 11:53

You’re putting in a load of effort because you feel he wouldn’t have cheated in the past if you made a load of effort?

Sadly someone will cheat if they want to, regardless of their situation.

He should be trying to reassure you and trying to regain the trust he chose to break. I hope things get better for you.

HollowTalk · 19/03/2019 12:00

I've been in your situation and shouldn't have stayed so long. I'm going to be harsh here. You're telling him how you feel about him. You're showing him, too, since you stayed with him. He's not telling you how he feels about you. He showed you how he felt, when he had the affair.

I'm really sorry but you are flogging a dead horse here, OP. You realise you could meet someone lovely, don't you?

stacktherocks · 19/03/2019 12:05

You’re flogging a dead horse sorry OP. He doesn’t love you or respect you or he wouldn’t have had an affair. I’m sure you know the extent that someone has to distance themselves from you emotionally in order to lie to you repeatedly so they can get their emotional and sexual needs met elsewhere.

I really truly hope you can refind your self respect and start to love yourself enough to walk away from a man who doesn’t seem to be that into you and who is almost certainly privately amused that he can have an affair, get away with it and still have you chasing after him to keep him.

Original poster
Doideservethis1234 · 19/03/2019 12:39

Thank you for the replies and take on your opinions. This is the hardest thing I have had to go through as I love OH so very much but feel under valued. Forgiving was the easy part it’s the forgetting I’m struggling with. I am sure that OH loves me but it would be nice to get some thing back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doideservethis1234 · 20/03/2019 09:02

Well I did it again another nice gesture only for it to fall flat in my face. I really should learn or at least try to stop over doing things. I don’t want to leave OH as I know we can work through this, but I need to maybe realise that I I’m over compensating for both of us. I know what he is like and not take things to heart as much. :-(

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 20/03/2019 09:23

I know what he is like
I'm not sure you do.
He IS a cheat.
He IS a liar.
He IS disrespectful.
He IS a twat!
And... you are STILL flogging that dead horse!

saccade · 20/03/2019 09:42

Your handle is ‘doideservethis’

No, you don’t deserve this shitty ongoing treatment

And you know this deep down else you wouldn’t be posting.

He doesn’t love you

When he finds someone he does, he’ll leave you

Maybe that’ll make it easier for you to see

That you deserve more than this.

Can you see that? Why don’t you deserve to be treated with the minimum of respect?

Tell us what about him makes him worth enduring this torture?

crimsonlake · 20/03/2019 09:51

We can work through this?? Yes, if the 2 of you are working towards it.

TheMightyToosh · 20/03/2019 10:05

It reads as though you're dancing in front of him trying to make him feel how much you love and adore him so that he won't look elsewhere again, but you are as risk of being a mug/smothering him/wasting your time.

I think if you're not g eating anything back from him even when he should be stepping up and trying hard after his affair, it's probably dead in the water.

You can fix a relationship by yourself. It takes two Thanks

TheMightyToosh · 20/03/2019 10:06

*can't fix

ravenmum · 20/03/2019 10:10

He claims not to be into lovey-dovey stuff, so why are you giving him something he supposedly is not into? Or is it just him that doesn't have to be lovey-dovey?

Ilovelala · 20/03/2019 10:15

Do you think he was lovey dovey romantic towards his affair partner?

You shouldn't really be needing to chase anyone and you should both be working towards fixing your relationship, him maybe even more so due to his affair.

This feels like you are throwing love and affection at him to keep him by your side but tbh sounds to me like he knows very well you are there and that you will be regardless of how he treats you. He doesn't care that he isn't giving you what you need and he doesn't care about how much your giving him, he will only notice if you become distant from him and he will then maybe give you a little something back to get you loving all over him again. I'm sorry you put up with this, I understand why but it's not OK. This isn't your fault but you deserve so much more.

squishee · 20/03/2019 10:37

That's no way to live OP. Your mental health is going to suffer. I'm sorry but he won't change.
Quite apart from the fact that if anyone should be "chasing", it's him!
If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got. And you deserve so much better.

Windygate · 20/03/2019 10:40

Your doing the 'pick me' dance. Is that what you really want?

Doghorsechicken · 20/03/2019 10:50

You are definitely doing the ‘pick me dance’ and he couldn’t care any less for you if he tried. He cheated on you and I imagine he was all lovey dovey with the OW. Please just get rid of this waste of space. He really doesn’t love you else you wouldn’t be in this situation. Get rid!

TheFaerieQueene · 20/03/2019 10:56

I think this relationship has run its course OP. I would walk away with your dignity intact now.

jm42 · 20/03/2019 12:42

He cheated on you and disrespected you in the worst possible way. He wasn't thinking about you when he was with the OW & didn't care about your relationship or the hurt it would cause you. You deserve better. Leave him.

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 20/03/2019 12:46

Bin him. He sounds like a loser. Don't keep doing the pick me dance.

Robin2323 · 20/03/2019 12:52

Regardless of your relationship you need to work on your self esteem.

Yes it's nice to have people say / nice things for you but you don't need validation from any one to feel good about yourself.

Romance yourself if you need that - flowers , presents etc.

It is true that if you feel good about Yourself people treat you better. And if they don't , you don't care.

HappyLife21 · 20/03/2019 12:56

You sound like an emotional masochist,