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Original poster

Meeting husband's new partner - advice please

27 replies

PIPERHELLO · 18/03/2019 21:18

Hi all,

Feeling pretty sad this evening. My husband (we are not divorced, despite having been separated for almost 5 years) has told me he has a new partner and wants me to meet her as he plans to merge he into his & our son's (6) life.

I am trying to keep an open mind. Desperately trying. But struggling, as I think I have picked up on some (negative) stuff he's recently done as probably having been heavily influenced by the new partner.

I would love to feel like we could have a mature, respectful relationship, despite the circumstances, but I am finding that hard given the above.

I am planning to meet her. But part of me wonders if this is going to do me any favours; if she is a complete nightmare, it will just make me feel very anxious every time my son goes to his dad's.

Help and advice most welcome please. And please be kind, I am feeling very very fragile,

Thanks, x

OP posts:
Rk123 · 18/03/2019 21:58

If you are struggling to keep an open mind there is no point of putting pressure on yourself. There is no such thing that you have to meet her! As long as you trust your ex husband with your son that's all that matters.

Personally, if I was in your position I would say that I do not feel ready for it, and agree for your son to meet her and explain to your son about the situation before hand, and you can tell your ex husband that you know he would only want good people around your child so there is no need for you to meet up with them as well.

I mean say they were laughing and joking together this may make you feel uncomfortable. For me it's better it is away from me so I am happy and I don't feel awkward.

There is nothing wrong with the way you feel but don't feel like you are under pressure to do so! X

Original poster
PIPERHELLO · 18/03/2019 22:19

Thanks RK xx

It's a tough decision. I wonder if I would rather meet her for the first time in a planned meeting rather than just randomly at his house one day she answers the door.

And yes, the other thing is how to tell our son. Should I bring it up proactively and tell him his dad has a girlfriend etc, or should I leave it and let it come via dad first.

So hard to know what to do for the best.

:(

OP posts:
SleepyFlump · 18/03/2019 22:37

When my DCs (16 & 6) met his new partner, I said I'd take them over, pop in for five mins to introduce myself and then leave the DCs with them for a couple of hours. DS took a bunch of flowers for her. It went really well.

Temporaryanonymity · 18/03/2019 22:43

I just decided to let our friendship grow organically. We went from opening the door to each other to sharing a cuppa. In the beginning she tried a bit harder; inviting me to the christening of their daughter but I respectfully declined. I wouldn't say we are close but enough to cooperate re the children and that's all good.

AgentJohnson · 19/03/2019 06:16

You’ve been separated for five years! Why aren’t you divorced? I get the impression that your difficulties are more to to do with you then the impact it will have on your son.

What change in behaviours are you attributing to this woman and why?

Wiredforsound · 19/03/2019 06:31

Your ex is being very courteous towards you. He does not need to do this clearly wants to make steps to help the key people in his sons life get to know each other a little. It would be reassuring for me to meet the woman who will be spending a significant amount of time with my child and I can’t think why you wouldn’t want to do that. You have to think of your son here.

anniehm · 19/03/2019 07:24

It's really hard but can be done - my DD's friend had Christmas this year with both her parents and their new partners and her new half sibling! Apparently the ex babysits and before the new arrival curtailed their social life the four of them regularly went out. It's not for everyone but for the sake of the kids being on decent speaking terms with the new partner is helpful - Dh has parents that won't attend the same event!

Ellisandra · 19/03/2019 08:06

“Thanks for giving me the opportunity, but I trust your judgement re the kids, so there’s no need for me to meet her. How and when are you planning to tell the kids, so I can be prepared?”

It’s been 5 YEARS. No need for this angst.

wishywashy6 · 19/03/2019 08:29

I didn't get officially introduced to my exH new partner, I trusted him to make his own judgement.
This was 3 years ago now, the kids love her and when I go collect them from their house she usually invites me in for a cuppa
There's no need for any weirdness if all parties have moved on

harriethoyle · 19/03/2019 08:56

You need to reframe this narrative and put your son first. This man is your husband in name only after 5 years of separation. It's up to you to prioritise your son in this situation and help him to feel as happy as possible. This angst seems far more about you than your son and that's not fair.

RupertStJohnPoo · 19/03/2019 09:07

This will have an effect on your son and he must come first. The reality is she will be part of your son’s life (for at least now and maybe long term) and it is best for him if you and her are civil and he sees you are ok. This will make it easier for him. This is the reality of the breakdown of your marriage. I’m sure it hurts and feels weird but it will only be more stressful and cause resentment if you avoid meeting her. I can’t imagine she is eagerly looking forward to meeting you either.

NWQM · 19/03/2019 09:14

I think it’s really understandable that you were sad yesterday - even when we’ve fully moved on something can trigger memory of earlier pain fleetingly.

I would say that as he has offered you should make the effort to formally met her. In any other circumstance your met someone who was going to give care to your son and hopefully this will be a positive experience too. Clearly if you don’t end up like her then it’s tricky but at least you will know her a little.

Nothing fancy - just a quick met. Don’t get tied into going out to dinner for anything:

talktoo · 19/03/2019 09:25

What is the negative stuff he has done lately that you feel might be due to her influence?

BitchQueen90 · 19/03/2019 09:28

5 years? My ex had a new girlfriend 8 months after we separated and she was in DS's life pretty much straight away (not my choice but I couldn't stop it). Luckily she's lovely and they're still going strong 4 and a half years later.

Why do you feel like you can't have a respectful relationship with him? He's done nothing wrong. 5 years is a long time.

It's difficult to accept that another woman will be spending time with your child and I get that but it's inevitable at some point. I'd let your ex do the introductions. You don't need to meet her formally if you don't want to.

Motherofcreek · 19/03/2019 09:29

How long has he been with her?

You really don’t have to have meeting with her or relationship. Who is pushing for the meeting?

Motherofcreek · 19/03/2019 09:31

Also meeting or not meeting this woman will have no effect on your son what so ever - why would it. The only way it would effect him if you both became hostile towards each other.

You can be civil from a distance with out some formal introduction.

The more I think about it the more I think it’s really odd.

tryanotherway · 19/03/2019 09:33

If you don't want to do it then don't. No point in making yourself uncomfortable. Take your time and let things evolve naturally.

ShatnersWig · 19/03/2019 09:35

To answer a couple of poster's question that the OP hasn't been back to answer:

"We are yet to divorce; from my side because I think I hoped we might get back together"

After 5 years. Sigh. However, this business with the new partner has apparently made the OP suddenly want a divorce but is worried about money. The husband is apparently well off but going to be taking a career break and she's fucked off that he may be able to stop paying maintenance during his career break.

So there's a lot going on.

Original poster
PIPERHELLO · 19/03/2019 09:39

Thanks all.

They have been dating 10 months.
Yes, it sounds v courteous of him, but there is more to it; she has met my son already albeit it not 'this is my gf, son' and it was after this that I said I felt he should have told me first.
I am fine with him having a new partner. Genuinely.
The stuff I can't help thinking she has influenced him on is a recent announcement he made saying he wants to reduce what he pays me each month. Different issue entirely and I really hope not related to them becoming more serious but seems like coincidental timing.

The more I read this thread the more I feel a formal meeting is a bit excessive, and maybe the 'meeting casually on pick up one day'' might be best.

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 19/03/2019 09:40

Referring to him as your husband really shows that you haven’t moved on. Yes, technically he is still your husband, but after 5 years people refer to them as EX husband regardless. Why aren’t you divorced?

What has been happening that you think us her influence? Is he wanting a divorce? Is he chatting less? Is he less available to you?

ravenmum · 19/03/2019 09:42

Unless she turns out to be a complete weirdo, it is much more likely that meeting her will make you see her more normally, as a human being rather than a shadowy figure who may or may not be having an evil influence.

How about if you took your son over there and went in for a cup of tea, so that you are then in charge of how long the meeting lasts, as you can leave whenever you fancy?

IncrediblySadToo · 19/03/2019 09:44

How much over the CMS is he paying you?

What sort of % of his income is he giving you?

How much does he want to reduce it by?

BitchQueen90 · 19/03/2019 09:54

Do you go through CMS or a private arrangement? I wouldn't be happy with that announcement if nothing has changed I.e. he doesn't have your DS on extra overnights.

ravenmum · 19/03/2019 10:02

His idea of reducing payments might well be related to her but without her knowing anything about it. Being in a relationship, going on trips together, eating out etc. is expensive. He might just have a bit less money in the bank and be feeling less generous. My ex got quite tight-fisted with the kids for this reason, but his girlfriends are unlikely to realise that, considering that he spent his money on new clothes, nice car etc. to lure them in :)

Fedupofthisrubbish · 19/03/2019 10:12

Stop giving yourself a hard time, you are entitled to feel awkward. Unless she is a monster she will understand it must be weird for you to see your ex and son with another woman. And she is also somebody's ex.

I would say keep it informal. I invited ex-wife in for a cup of tea when she dropped off the kids. We all stood there talking awkwardly. Nobody enjoyed it but then the first meeting was over with and things improved from there. We are not friends but we are friendly.