Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My ex told dc that mummy has a new boyfriend when I'd been out for coffee with a male friend

42 replies

Noodledoodlesandspud · 17/03/2019 23:09

I've posted about my ex lots here. We finally split, 6 months ago after a long time of things being wrong. I've started tentatively going fir coffee (twice) with a male acquaintance who I've become closer to as he split with his ex around the same time and we started supporting each other through it. STBXH has completely gone off the rails, he's barged into my house and refused to leave. Threatened to make my life hell, tried to guilt me into things (eg how could you go for coffee with a guy while we are still married, that's cheating), refused to pay maintenance, changed plans for the children last minute, had found male friend on fb and messaged him etc. I now ignore his messages etc unless it's regarding the kids.

Anyway today I went out for the day with male friend as its STBXH day with the kids. I didn't tell STBXH who I was with but he guessed and messaged me constantly although I ignored him. He then messaged and said the kids wanted to come home early so I left and went home to meet them. This evening I was snuggled up on the sofa with 5yo (the younger 2 were in bed) and ds said mummy, daddy told us about your boyfriend. I nearly lost it and text STBXH but managed to stop myself. Make friend and I have agreed that we wouldn't bring our kids into this for a long time as we just want to see where it goes with no pressure and we don't want to involve the kids unless it progresses. I explained to ds that mummy has a friend that's a boy that I like to go out for coffee with but he's just a friend. Ds seemed to accept this and moved onto other topics but I'm furious that STBXH would put my son in this situation. We have mediation a week Monday and I plan to bring this up but how should I handle it in the mean time?

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 17/03/2019 23:17

Don't give him the satisfaction of reacting to him. Keep telling your DC that this is just a friend, not a boyfriend. It is none of your STBXH's business. If, much much further down the line, things change, then that's one thing. Right now, you need to keep calm and not react. If you get all het up about it, your kids will assume you are lying, but keeping calm means that they will tell their dad its nothing, which will annoy him.

However, a reaction is what he wants and don't give him the satisfaction. He shouldn't be using the children in this way.

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 17/03/2019 23:31

Thanks littlecandle I'm trying so hard not to react but I'm so pissed off that he would say that to my kids just to get a reaction out of me. I never thought he would use my kids against me no matter how bad things got. Especially as he had a rough childhood and one of the things he always says is how he feels like his parents didn't love him as they were always using him tonscore points with one another.

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 17/03/2019 23:44

By the sounds of it, you are gonna get a lot more of this, so I would use this incident as preparation for what's to come. No, its not right, and yes, he's being a completely abusive prick for all that he's done, including speaking to DC about it.

Please steel yourself for more, know that he will do this and so much more, be prepared and get resilient to get yourself through the ensuing shit storm.

It does sound like he's going to use anything, including his own DC as part of his shit storm. Yes, do bring it up, simply.

That DC are to be kept out of all adult interactions like that, and that it's only going to cause them emotional distress which is cruel.

Smotheroffive · 17/03/2019 23:46

Based on the behaviour you have detailed here, you should make a request against mediation, because his behaviour is abusive.

Smotheroffive · 17/03/2019 23:47

He doesn't seem capable of protecting his DC.

pissedonatrain · 18/03/2019 05:12

First thing, change the locks so he can't just barge in.
Yes, bring it up in mediation. He needs to be told not to use the children like that.

blackcat86 · 18/03/2019 05:17

Your ex is a twat and I get why you are furious but all you can change is your behaviour because you cant force him to be a decent parent and human. Change the locks at your home, lock down your social media and delete it, dont tell him anything about what you're doing when he has the kids. Look up the grey rock technique. Only you can judge if it will be useful to bring it up in mediation or just point scoring. Make sure to contact cms so he cannot refuse to pay maintenance. You need to start to distance yourself from your ex in the ways that you can so he less opportunity to try and control you.

AgentJohnson · 18/03/2019 05:45

Just remember, a reaction is giving him exactly what he wants. Now you know just how low he’s willing to stoop.

It’s best to have in mind a series of consequences to his behaviour, he doesn’t pay maintenance = CSA, he turns up late or not at all = make other plans.

You stick it to him by living your best life and not being phased by his antics. In addition, this attitude is also good for your children to witness, their father playing silly buggers is disheartening but you have chosen to minimise the impact on your emotional well-being by largely ignoring it.

Every time he tries to control you through his behaviour just

Fayelly · 18/03/2019 05:49

DONT change the locks if you own the house together, it’s against the bloody law!

Other than that he sounds like a right cunt

CircleofWillis · 18/03/2019 06:01

It is only against the law if he is living there too. This is the OP's home and she has every right to change the locks.

kbPOW · 18/03/2019 06:07

No. She doesn't.

ponyprincess · 18/03/2019 06:16

I agree with the grey rock technique. He is being horrible yes but don't give him the reward of a reaction-even in mediation, I would not bring this up but focus on contact times and factual things etc

For changing the locks, for me the police actually advised me to do it and said it would be a civil matter if ex objected. But this may be specific to circumstances I am not sure

kbPOW · 18/03/2019 06:21

OP is he monitoring you or your communications somehow? His behaviour was highly inappropriate. If he gives you any justification for calling the police (re barging into the house and refusing to leave) then please do so.

Alienspaceship · 18/03/2019 06:28

How does he even know you’re going for coffee? You need to cut all information about you.

CircleofWillis · 18/03/2019 06:33

Fayelly and KbPow, when my friend was going through her divorce her solicitor advised her to change locks and arrange for stbexh to see children away from their home. No DV but Emotional abuse and financial abuse in the relationship. Surely the solicitor wouldn't have advised this if it were illegal?

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 18/03/2019 06:36

Thanks everyone. I'm trying so hard not to react, unfortunately he knows how to push my buttons. I live in a council house. He isn't on the tenancy any more but I know he still has a key so I've been on to the housing association to change the locks but they are being difficult about it.
I've started keeping a log of his behavior. Originally we said we would wait 2 years to divorce so we didn't have to cite either person as a reason, now I'm contacting a solicitor so I can cite him for unreasonable behavior. I just want him gone (as much as possible) from my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 18/03/2019 06:39

alienspaceship I think someone is feeding him info from my social media. I've noticed he's started bringing up posts almost word for word that I've put but he's blocked from all my social media.

OP posts:
Palace13 · 18/03/2019 06:43

If any bloke, ex or not, was able to get into my home and be aggressive, I'd be changing the locks pronto. And if he wanted to complain about it to anyone, then the reason would come out!
Previous posters are spot on, I think. No big reaction from you. Firm insistence in mediation that the children's minds are not messed with. Not that you should use these exact words, but he's a bastard to try to upset a little five year old just to get at you. How cruel.
Make sure all your online stuff is 100% private so he can't see who you're interacting with.
You sound like a lovely mum and I hope eventually he'll get bored and you get some peace. It's so horrible when the kids are hurt by a selfish, childish ex, breaks your heart for them. I remember what it was like.

Palace13 · 18/03/2019 06:45

Hmmm just read your last sentence. Sounds like a spy in your camp. Charming. Be very selective with who you share things with. You'll soon figure out who it is, if you haven't already

Fayelly · 18/03/2019 06:45

Sorry to derail the thread but if you own a home together and you change the locks without providing a new set of keys for the co-owner you’re going to find yourself in trouble.

My friends ex has just been made to hand over a new set to her solicitors after he changed them. You cannot prevent them from entering their home

Sorry OP I know this doesn’t apply to you

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 18/03/2019 06:57

soontobe60 hes not on the tenancy so he has no right to the house so I can and I plan to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 18/03/2019 07:02

palace13 when we first split up we both said that the one thing we didn't want to do was hurt the kids. I think he realises he's lost control of me and is trying anything to get it back which won't happen.
I think I know who it is, but not 100%. I have cut right down on what I post online.

OP posts:
Palace13 · 18/03/2019 07:02

Absolutely. Get it done so you can sleep at night. You're not doing it to score points! He barged in and behaved aggressively and it's not even his house

ponyprincess · 18/03/2019 07:19

Good news OP about the locks

If you are worried in the mean time then a slide/chain lock from inside is not fool-proof but might give a bit more security while you are in the house