My ex told dc that mummy has a new boyfriend when I'd been out for coffee with a male friend

[Noodledoodlesandspud]

I've posted about my ex lots here. We finally split, 6 months ago after a long time of things being wrong. I've started tentatively going fir coffee (twice) with a male acquaintance who I've become closer to as he split with his ex around the same time and we started supporting each other through it. STBXH has completely gone off the rails, he's barged into my house and refused to leave. Threatened to make my life hell, tried to guilt me into things (eg how could you go for coffee with a guy while we are still married, that's cheating), refused to pay maintenance, changed plans for the children last minute, had found male friend on fb and messaged him etc. I now ignore his messages etc unless it's regarding the kids.

Anyway today I went out for the day with male friend as its STBXH day with the kids. I didn't tell STBXH who I was with but he guessed and messaged me constantly although I ignored him. He then messaged and said the kids wanted to come home early so I left and went home to meet them. This evening I was snuggled up on the sofa with 5yo (the younger 2 were in bed) and ds said mummy, daddy told us about your boyfriend. I nearly lost it and text STBXH but managed to stop myself. Make friend and I have agreed that we wouldn't bring our kids into this for a long time as we just want to see where it goes with no pressure and we don't want to involve the kids unless it progresses. I explained to ds that mummy has a friend that's a boy that I like to go out for coffee with but he's just a friend. Ds seemed to accept this and moved onto other topics but I'm furious that STBXH would put my son in this situation. We have mediation a week Monday and I plan to bring this up but how should I handle it in the mean time?

I’d go completely offline. Don’t give him anything to feed off.

He's coming round in half an hour to take the oldest to school. I'm working myself into a right state but I don't want him to know he's getting to me.

Stay strong - I know it is probably not how you might prefer to 'co-parent' but you need say nothing to ex at drop offs or pick ups

Can you leave your key in the lock so he can't just enter when he likes.

What sort of lock do you have. Some locks barrels are easy to change and not that expensive.

If it's a uPVC door then google lock changing on YouTube - it's really easy and will walk you through what you need to do in terms of measuring and then how to fit it.

In the meantime, don't let him in. He doesn't live there anymore so make him wait on the doorstep. If he barges in and refuses to leave then call the police.

My dad is a locksmith and is willing to change the locks but I need the ha permission. Although I'm now starting to think I might just do it and tell them after. He's just picked up the oldest and has been horrible again (in front of the kids).

Just change the locks and provide HA/council with a set. Cite domestic abuse and living in fear (which you are really) as the reasons why and put the onus on them to explain why they left you in danger when they could of come out the very same hour, if they complain that is.

Go grey rock on him, it’ll be infuriating for you to not be able to vent but vent to a friend or family member instead. He’ll be left scratching his head wondering why he’s not getting to you or getting the reaction he wants which is far more satisfying than engaging in his stupidity.

Keep conversations strictly omabout the kids only.

Make a new fb and only add the people you know you can trust 100% and block the people you suspect of spying on the new one. That way they’ll be left wondering why you aren’t posting and be none the wiser you’re on a completely different profile. I’ve got my name on social media as my nickname then middle name as opposed to first and second (job reasons) works well for me.

He has to stop picking up DC if he can no longer be trusted to be reasonable and is abusive to the DC. DC a DM abused is abuse to the DC. Your only way to put a stop to it is to prevent him seeing you at pick up.

However, he has already shown himself to be an abuser to his DC,and to you, please keep anlog of all and every abuse to yourself and DC, and make a request for cancelling mediation based on his abuses.

Please also speak with women's aid about whats been happening and the effects on you.

OP its vital you act on your fear, it can make you seriously unwell if these situations continue, listen to what your body is telling you and make different arrangements. You feel fear for good reason, and you cannot tell at this point how far he will take this. You and your DC are now at risk.

Can your DC be collected from another address, or neighbour?

I've just had the best message from him.
'why did yu tell the housing officer I was threatening you, I haven't been physical towards you and I've never followed anything I've said up'
God he's in his own little world.
He's also just told me he's at a working trial for a job and if he gets it he'll be having the youngest on the days he's now at the childminder and having them 2 nights in the week and one weekend a month. I've told him that thees no way I'm removing the little one from the childminder he loves. And that one weekend a month isnt enough for the boys. Concidering he kicked off about me having them on mother's day as Sunday was is his day he's suddenly changed his tune.

You have evidence of his threats there now and you should keep them and pass that on as vital evidence. Like you're supposed to be grateful that hes 'only threatened' you!!!

smother yes he seems oblivious that everything he's texting me could be used against him. I'm keeping all his messages just in case. (including the one where he 'accidentally' sent me a video of him wanking).
So many friends and family members are commenting on his weird personality shift. He used to be such a caring person (he did have some major emotional and financial issues that I wish I'd paid more attention to though.

including the one where he 'accidentally' sent me a video of him wanking) well isn't that just precious OP

I'm glad you are already on it. Keep safe

Aww I feel for you. I had this and it's just starting to calm down after a year. I blocked all contact with him and go through a family member. He picks the kids up from nursery every Friday so we have zero contact.

He was extremely abusive. He set up fake profiles and would message me. I'd get up to 40 messages on a weekend of abuse while he was drunk. He would question the kids about what I was doing and all sorts. I had the locks changed as he would just barge in. In the end he was issued an injunction as he just wouldn't stop.

Cut all contact and go through a 3rd party if you have to.

I hope it gets better for you!

What a charmer.

Oh yea hes a real treat. He had so many people fooled, including me but that is completely unravelling for him now.

‘I’ve never followed anything I said up’

Wow . .

Such intelligence, much wow 🤣🤣

snowball that made me laugh, thank you!!

He isn't the sharpest tool in the shed