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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I tell him about ONS

31 replies

Back2Fronting · 17/03/2019 21:13

I’ve been with DP for several years now. Relationship is in a really good place.

However it wasn’t always like this. We had a rocky start, mainly due to my fear of getting hurt having had my heart broken before. We broke up several times until I realised that I really loved this man and wanted to be with him and nobody else.

One time though, when we were broken up, I had a ONS with an ex. I felt terrible about it and it never happened again.

Now that we’re happy and going steady, I’m feeling racked with guilt about the ONS. I know if I confess, he’ll never get over it. I regret it so much. It was the biggest mistake of my life.

What should I do?

OP posts:
Lisette1940 · 17/03/2019 21:18

You had broken up with him when you had the ONS. I don't think it's relevant to your relationship. I really wouldn't feel guilty at all and, if it was me, I wouldn't mention it.

Original poster
Back2Fronting · 17/03/2019 21:21

Yes, technically we’d broken up but only for a week or so. I know I would be gutted if it were the other way round.

OP posts:
Ilovelala · 17/03/2019 21:22

I wouldn't if you were not together when it happened aslong as you were safe with the other person and haven't put your partner at risk.

Lisette1940 · 17/03/2019 21:22

Who knows - in a different Universe the ONS with the ex might have turned out to be the long term relationship. What were you meant to do - stay at home with a mug of cocoa? Honestly, you're overthinking this. I'm the most staid, stuck in the mud person in the world and I really think you've done nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself

Original poster
Back2Fronting · 17/03/2019 21:25

Thank you for being kind. I don’t think I will say anything but I hate myself for what I did and I don’t want DP to suffer too. It’s my cross to bear.

OP posts:
Lisette1940 · 17/03/2019 21:25

Also you had know way of knowing that the breakup would last a week. Might have lasted a year...

Original poster
Back2Fronting · 17/03/2019 21:28

Yes, that’s true. Although in my heart of hearts I always knew it was going to be temporary. Maybe that’s why I feel so guilty. He didn’t do anything wrong, it was all me and I treated him badly and he STILL loved me. I know it’s in the past now and I can’t change what happened. I just love him so much and don’t feel like I deserve him.

OP posts:
Lisette1940 · 17/03/2019 21:30

Do you think the feelings of unease are related to the fact that it was an ex? If you'd met a bloke at a party and had a brief relationship, would that have been preferable? I'm trying to work out why you are so upset. It's only with the benefit of hindsight that you can look back and see that the breakup lasted a week. You seem to be seeing it as cheating in some way, when really it wasn't.

Lisette1940 · 17/03/2019 21:30

Sorry cross posted

dragonsfire · 17/03/2019 21:32

Were broken up so single - you did nothing wrong

Original poster
Back2Fronting · 17/03/2019 21:32

You seem to be seeing it as cheating in some way, when really it wasn't.

Yes, I think I do see it as cheating because I would have been devastated if he’d been the one to have a ONS during that week.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 17/03/2019 21:32

Just forget about it. Don't tell him.

Original poster
Back2Fronting · 17/03/2019 21:33

So I feel like a hypocrite

OP posts:
formerbabe · 17/03/2019 21:34

It was the biggest mistake of my life

Don't catastrophise it.

Lisette1940 · 17/03/2019 21:34

Back2Fronting you really shouldn't torture yourself over this. Even if you suspected that the breakup might be short-lived, you couldn't know for sure. The fact is you didn't have a boyfriend when you slept with your ex. You were completely free to sleep with whomever you liked, and so was the guy you'd broken up with.

Lisette1940 · 17/03/2019 21:37

Is there anything else going on in your life at present which is causing you worry? I ask because anxiety can hop from one thing to another. So the stress of this situation might be originating from another stressful event. Just wondering.

Original poster
Back2Fronting · 17/03/2019 21:37

Yes, I know you are right @Lisette1940. I’m not sure why I’m torturing myself over this. I think I can’t believe that we are finally in a good place and I’m trying to sabotage it or something. I am very insecure in relationships and this is the first one that I haven’t managed to ruin yet.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 17/03/2019 21:43

when we were broken up

WHEN WE WERE BROKEN UP

No.

There's absolutely no need and it's not going to contribute anything good to your relationship.

Womennin particular often seem to feel the need to do this vomiting up of everything they've ever done in their life, like their partner is their confessor or counsellor or something; they're not. You don't have to tell them everything, not everything needs said, some things are best left
You're entitled to your own history and privacy.

Lisette1940 · 17/03/2019 21:45

You seem like a genuinely good person Back2Fronting. You must cut yourself some slack. You are human. And so is he. Everyone does something that they sometimes with hindsight wish they hadn't, even if they've done nothing wrong. Your partner probably has too at some point in his life. I know I have, as has my husband. Put this firmly behind you. Enjoy the point you are at in your life. You have done nothing wrong.

Lisette1940 · 17/03/2019 21:46
Flowers
Moralitym1n1 · 17/03/2019 21:49

You probably feel like the relationship is not based on total honesty or something of he doesn't know, but seriously; you were single (whether you got back together quickly or not), you were within your rights, he doesn't need to know, it's not going to do either of you any good to know. Just leave it alone.

Stop being neurotic Wink.

SandyY2K · 17/03/2019 21:51

Maybe if he slips up in the future, you can bear this in mind and cut him some slack.

cricketmum84 · 17/03/2019 21:51

On the back of your post I've just had this conversation with my DH.

He said in that position he wouldn't want to know, he understands the guilt and bad feelings you have but it's not fair to put those feelings on your DH. Keep it to yourself, get over it. Really you did nothing wrong as you weren't in a relationship at the time the ONS happened but I agree that it would damage your relationship.

Original poster
Back2Fronting · 17/03/2019 21:52

Thank you @Lisette1940. You are very kind and sensible! I do suffer from anxiety and tend to beat myself up when things go wrong.

OP posts:
lazymare · 17/03/2019 21:53

No