would this upset you?

[girrafey]

ok, will try and keep this brief, but will be long. dp and i live togther in our house, he works and pays the mortgage, bills etc and i look after our dd who was 2 in may. in term time i care for a little boy for a few hours a week. same age as my dd. this money pays for me and dd to go to activities, play dates and buys our clothes etc. also last christmas our first with this arrangment i bought and paid for all the xmas presents except my own. i put the petrol i use in the car and will buy things when they run out e.g milk etc. the remaining money from his wages he has for fags. ( he is trying to give up) and lunch and we have a nice life. take aways if we fancy them etc. no real struggle, just not enough for luxery holidays and extentions.
Anyway i am 6 months pg, and having a very hard pregnancy. i was nearly admitted for a blood tranfusion last month and i am meant to be on bedrest as my placenta is ripping. as i am not doing as much with my dd and the little boy ( his mother does know) i put dd is nursary for 2 days. i have rearranged finances so i will pay for this.
Well yesterday the little boys mum gave me my notice. with me having the baby and things and she wanted longer hours in september she has decided on a nursary. well part from losing him, which is breaking my heart as had him since 8 months it has messed up the money situation. i was distarught yestrday and he kept saying we will manage etc.
i had a solutuion, he is in the middle of applying for his bank charges, which was ear marked for a 2 week florida holiday next march with my parents. however i have worked out that instead of blowing 5 grand on these 2 weeks, to put it in an account and i can have hundred a week, which will be basically what i am losing, so life wouldnt change. i could spend a year at home concentrating on baby and thinking what we could do etc. dd stay in nursary 2 days etc.
however much to my disapointment he wont consider this! now i know the money is his. ( before we were togther for most of the charges) but he doesnt even like rides or swimming and although was looking forward to the holiday it was really for me and the kids etc as it has always been my dream.
Basically this has really knocked me. i thought that he would think this was a good solution, but he says we will cope, and he will find a spare amount every week to give me. i am selfish i know but i dont want to live like that, never knowing how much spare he will have, when i will get it etc. i dont think he understands how much i actually pay for and that 40 odd quid a week as he says will not go far. ( nursary is £30)
i know i am pg and hormones etc but this has really upset me. the only solution i can see is i have some money saved for xmas, so use that and i can pay for dd nursary till november. by then baby here, and then i will have to cope for a few months and maybe return to some work and put baby in care from jan. something he doesnt want me to do, he thinks same as me, better to be home raising kids if you can be. i know alot of women have no choice etc and in alot worse situation, but i feel that there is a choice for us, that would suit me, dd baby and not make him cut back on his lifestyle. he already complains that he doesnt get much left after paying for everything to treat himself. though in the last 4 months has spent a grand on a little run about car for him ( not needed but wanted) and a new hd tv ( again not needed but wanted)
im just bitter and hormonal i guess. but can anyone see why i feel like this?

I think the best thing you could do is write down all the incomings and outgoings and show him exactly what is going where and maybe come to some sort of compromise. Hope it goes well.

It would upset me because we are NOT a 'your money, my money' couple. It is all our money, because we're a partnership, a family.

I can't relate, because I couldn't live in a set-up like yours and that would have been spelled out when we were still dating long before we had kids and I probably would have moved on because I don't believe in 'your money, my money' as a couple.

Good luck to you.

i think that if day to day life is a struggle then holidays go by the wayside unfortunately so kind of agree with you.

have you had your child tax credits reassessed now you have no income? surely that will go up now?

Wrie down, on a piece of paper, what he is spending, and what you are spending, and on what. You will be able to see if it is fair, and so will he.

If he wants you to stay home and you agree to this, it is vital you have access to the bank account - you should never be made to ask for money.

I don't really have any advice but maybe you should speak to your dh again and let him know how strongly you feel. My dh is the same (spend as you earn!). Its a good idea to show him on paper what money you are spending and where. Maybe tell him you won't be able to enjoy the holiday as much as you cannot really afford it. Maybe you could suggest an alternative to 2 weeks away - like a weekend break?

I think along similar lines to scheenby. Sit down and do a budget together and if there is still money in the pot for the holiday then go, if not then dp will have to agree a solution with you. If this solution is not to give up the holiday then he will have to evidence an alternative, not just hope that things will work out.

You sound very level headed and not bitter or hormonal at all.

You probably need to decide which goes first - xmas presents and food for zmas or the holiday - if it comes to sacrificing something.

Dp does sound a little ostrich like.

Im with expat on this.
We live as a family, my Dp supports me, my Ds and our Dd.
When my Dd is at school, I will get a job to help out.

RE the holidy - just don't go if you don't want to - he cannot make you.

Sorry schneebly

Who are all these men with these ideas about 'helping out' 'contributing your share', etc. when they have children with their wives?

WTF.

Bringing up children they chose to bring into this world isn't 'contributing' enough or 'doing your share'?

It's not a bloody flatmate situation.

My sister's husband is like this and it's really depressing her.

I'm glad my husband's not and I hope to bring up my girls not to view the world like some giant spreadsheet.

thanks for your suggestions. we would still have a holiday etc as we go for cheap ones at butlins etc and fly out to my parents villa in portugal for a week. so he wont be going without a break.
i cant really write down what he pays for etc, as as long as the bills are paid etc then the rest of his earnings are his in my eyes. he works hard for it and pays for it all, so that i can stay at home with dd.
maybe you would understand if i say that i was pg with dd when we got togther, she is not biologically his. though she is in every other way. her sperm donar as we call my ex is not in the picture and doesnt pay for her. ( what we all wanted) so therefore when we got togther i didnt want him to feel bitter etc at losing all his income etc. also part of me felt secure at knowing if we split part from the nappies and food everything else of hers, clothes toys etc i have paid for. so they are hers and i wouldnt lose them.
now we have been togther longer, he wants to adopt her etc it is no longer an issue, but that is why it was more his and mine on the money. he is slighly old fashioned in his beliefs and as the man should provide and run the money etc. we dont share an account and he pays for all the house things and i pay for all my, bumps and dd's personal things. think that is the best way to describe it.
he wont physically have enough to support us in the lifestyle we are used to. it will be a struggle so to speak. he does realise this and says things like, well we will have beans on toast etc for dinner.
to me, i guess i just see it means continuing our life for a year before having to make huge changes. i honestly believe he will be bitter and hate not having his extra left over if he has to pay me money to stay at home etc. i can just see very stressfull time with lots of arguements.

someone please tell me to get a grip, this has upset me so much. really cant see the sense behind his method.

Sorry
I'm with expat on this too. And if my dh were to claim £5k back in bank charges, it would be our money not his. We would each have an equal say in how to spend it.

Will your dh not compromise on a nice holiday, but a bit cheaper? Then save the rest in an account? I think you should also try and negotiate a set amount to be paid into a joint account from his wages so you don't need to worry about how much will be left over each week/month. Nobody needs that kind of stress.

you don't sound bitter btw.

if you are living together as a family then all the money is shared. regardless of dds paternity.

the money that is left over after the bills should be split between you. it is joint money.

if you don't have a joint account you should t least have a joint credit card that you use freely as and when you need to and that, if you are not working, he pays.

if he wasn't working, and you weren't, you would support him. you are a family.

I would talk to him. Do you need £100 a week? If his paying bills ect could you maybe come to a lower weekly amount you need? Could you not compromise and maybe use less of the money and still book holiday. maybe he feels you need a holiday after not having one for so long.
But you defo need to talk to him asap.
good luck

Lisa

you say this situation with dd's father and current dp becoming the father was what you ALL wanted and yet you are now feeling bad out of guilt??!

He signed up to this, as did you, and if you can't ALL OF YOU afford luxuries right now then you can't afford them. Who is whose dad is irrelevant, you are a family and the money is family money - wherever it comes from.

The money becomes his hard earned money to spend as he likes when he moves out and is just someone you are dating.

He is being selfish and not realising his full responsibilites it seems. You are excusing this on one hand and getting pissed off with on the other. Be asssertive.

I stay home with four and his money is my money. Hehe. I think you need to let him know you feelings are hurt. Maybe he thinks your giving up your vacation and he doesn't want to see you do that.

Amyjo22 to be honest it sounds like he wants to support you to stay at home with your daughter. I can see your rationale behind wanting to be self sufficient, but you are pregnant with his baby. The baby inside you is already his, and there is no reason why he should be expected to keep all his wages when he is a father and will soon be a biological father.

Honestly, he is an adult, stop treating him like a little boy. It seems you are protecting him from many of the financial realities of being a parent, and that's not fair. Let him make an equal contribution.

I agree with expat. I also think your children are too young to enjoy a theme park holiday in Florida and I honestly think it would be a waste of money that you really can't afford to spend.

see i told you i was pg and messed up!!! he does want me to stay at home and him pay me money. however, he cant afford it!!!! he is crap with money. he has it he spends it. that is why i save and do xmas and holidays etc. he wants to pay for me and bump and dd. but he has nothing left in his account by the weekend sometimes, and we use my money/ savings etc to buy what we need. so him finding extra to finance nursary, my clothes. ( by the way since pg i have 2 pairs of trousers and 4 tops so im not a clothes person) dd clothes, shoes, contact lenses, we have nothing for the baby part from pram and cot as gave all stuff away.
he just doesnt have to the money to support us without living very close to the breadline. i guess living like that and then wasting 5 grand on a holiday makes no sense to me.

thank you for all your kind comments. cant cope with the hormones at the mo!

expat. have to say until i got in the situation of being pregnant and dumped by my ex, with joint accounts etc and then having to go bankrupt to sort it out i felt the same as you. he upped and left me in london. pg with rent to pay and bills etc when he was the main earner and i just topped up. i guess i had my fingers burned and dint want to do that to now dp.

He needs to learn to not be crap with money then. He has responsibilities now. It's not fair that you carry the burden of financial responsibility for the whole family. I can understand, given your past, why you want to have some control but I do think it needs to be shared control.

DH and I have joint money but we do have a budget and we both sit and look at it together (the long winter evenings fly by, I can tell you!)

You really don't sound hormonal at all. You sound like you are trying to take stock and get some solid foundations laid down before your lo is born. V sensible imo!

thanks. i guess the way i see it. is that if we did have a joint acount, and my extra was paid in and everything was taken out of that we would have been living like we were. however now the little i earnt to top it up has gone, so we must struggle etc and then in a few months find a job. he doesnt want to me to work, yet cant see that without my contribution we will struggle. i say sacrifice holiday and keep on with lifestyle of him supporting us all for a year with the help of the holiday money replacing what i have lost. wow thats alot shorter, why couldt i put it like that at the start!

Not read everyone else's posts, but I would think that Florida would be a waste when your LOs are still so young. We went when my youngest was 8, and he only just coped with the long days in the parks and the heat and he got very whiney and whingey by mid afternoon.

You are getting breaks in Portugal and butlin-type holidays. I would say they were fine, given your LOs' ages.

When is your baby due? I wouldn't fancy a long flight with a small baby. Nightmare with my 8 year old, trying to get him to sit still and not irritate other passengers etc.

I don't know what to think about the money and your everyday situation, but would think the above argument would be enough to put the holiday on hold for a good few years yet.

see i have asked to run the money. makes more sense to me, as i am at home and can look at the account and rob peter to pay paul etc. but he is adament he is to do it, and seeing as it was his money and he paid for everything i didnt feel i could demand shared control etc. he does pay all the bills etc but he does get them late, and we do get letters from bank charges etc whcih i do open, and remind him, eg. gas bill couldnt be met last week, dont forget to sort out etc.
i know if i ran the money we would have alot more, yet i think he feels like i feel now. that he doesnt want to have to check with me that the money he saw in the account wasnt waiting to pay the bill in the next few days etc. he would find it degrading i think. ( we have talked about it and i have asked) we dont have credit cards, loans etc and apart from house, car and sofa we dont do credit. that is done for me. i dont want to do it and get into debt. he for example would have got the tv and a new pc months ago from his mums catalogue, but due to my hatred of owing money he didnt.
i do know exactly how much he brings home as he is a director in a family buisness, i know that what is left over each month after the bills enable him to have his fags, lunchs from garage, and little treats etc. he does filter it away, yet he is aware of this, and still says he doesnt have enough to treat himself. he often complains that after working hard and paying the bills etc he doesnt have enough to just buy a new x box game if he fancies it at forty quid etc. so taking even more away from him, will i think make him feel worse. we lost twin girls last year, and his dad has just finished a course of radiotherapy. i honestly believe that taking away his little luxeries might just be too much stress for him. mayne i am mothering him and trying to shelter him, but i am also being selfish. i like knowing where i stand. what money i have for what etc and dont want to have to argue when i need money for new shoes etc.

i just want to tick along like we are for a year and then have to deal with it. maybe train for someting in that year or something. so that we can do it without sacrificing anything and also get to spend year at home with new baby.