would this upset you?

[girrafey]

ok, will try and keep this brief, but will be long. dp and i live togther in our house, he works and pays the mortgage, bills etc and i look after our dd who was 2 in may. in term time i care for a little boy for a few hours a week. same age as my dd. this money pays for me and dd to go to activities, play dates and buys our clothes etc. also last christmas our first with this arrangment i bought and paid for all the xmas presents except my own. i put the petrol i use in the car and will buy things when they run out e.g milk etc. the remaining money from his wages he has for fags. ( he is trying to give up) and lunch and we have a nice life. take aways if we fancy them etc. no real struggle, just not enough for luxery holidays and extentions.
Anyway i am 6 months pg, and having a very hard pregnancy. i was nearly admitted for a blood tranfusion last month and i am meant to be on bedrest as my placenta is ripping. as i am not doing as much with my dd and the little boy ( his mother does know) i put dd is nursary for 2 days. i have rearranged finances so i will pay for this.
Well yesterday the little boys mum gave me my notice. with me having the baby and things and she wanted longer hours in september she has decided on a nursary. well part from losing him, which is breaking my heart as had him since 8 months it has messed up the money situation. i was distarught yestrday and he kept saying we will manage etc.
i had a solutuion, he is in the middle of applying for his bank charges, which was ear marked for a 2 week florida holiday next march with my parents. however i have worked out that instead of blowing 5 grand on these 2 weeks, to put it in an account and i can have hundred a week, which will be basically what i am losing, so life wouldnt change. i could spend a year at home concentrating on baby and thinking what we could do etc. dd stay in nursary 2 days etc.
however much to my disapointment he wont consider this! now i know the money is his. ( before we were togther for most of the charges) but he doesnt even like rides or swimming and although was looking forward to the holiday it was really for me and the kids etc as it has always been my dream.
Basically this has really knocked me. i thought that he would think this was a good solution, but he says we will cope, and he will find a spare amount every week to give me. i am selfish i know but i dont want to live like that, never knowing how much spare he will have, when i will get it etc. i dont think he understands how much i actually pay for and that 40 odd quid a week as he says will not go far. ( nursary is £30)
i know i am pg and hormones etc but this has really upset me. the only solution i can see is i have some money saved for xmas, so use that and i can pay for dd nursary till november. by then baby here, and then i will have to cope for a few months and maybe return to some work and put baby in care from jan. something he doesnt want me to do, he thinks same as me, better to be home raising kids if you can be. i know alot of women have no choice etc and in alot worse situation, but i feel that there is a choice for us, that would suit me, dd baby and not make him cut back on his lifestyle. he already complains that he doesnt get much left after paying for everything to treat himself. though in the last 4 months has spent a grand on a little run about car for him ( not needed but wanted) and a new hd tv ( again not needed but wanted)
im just bitter and hormonal i guess. but can anyone see why i feel like this?

'he will find a spare amount every week to give me'

oh no

oh god no

what is this, the 1950s?

if you have decided to live together as a family all the money is shared

you are pg with his baby now anyway

all money is shared

all bills come out all food all spending on kids

see what is left

divide equally between you

equal say on big decisions

you are selling yourself so short

if he wants you to stay at home and not earn money then he needs to value your contribution to the partnership by splitting things right down the middle. He should 'cut down on his lifestyle he is a family man now

The amswer is not for you to take responsibility for his immaturity and irresponsibility by taking charge of finances - he has to take control of his own spending.

It's quite a simple (but possibly hard to achieve) solution really.

why is it degrading to make sure that you don't go overdrawn?

I do all the finances and dh earns most of the money

he is not degraded in the least

your dp's attitude and respect towards you is dodgy tbh

ahh just yelled at dd now when she didnt deserve it. now she is crying and im crying. ahh cant cope with the stress of it all. midwife due soon for daily iron injection. better go splash my face. x

So while you're worrying about how to pay for clothes for your child(ren) and nursery fees, your dp is complaining because he can't just splash out £40 on an XBox game whenever he feels like it????

ok guys give me the short answer, do you think i should say that we are not going to waste the money on the florida holiday, that we are going to put it in an account and that can be our money to live off for a year. ( doing all i do now, xmas, holidays , nursary and generally all the extras) so basically replacing what i am losing.
do yu think i have the right to ask for this, to give us a more stress free year.
short answers please.
holiday go, money for us to survive on for a year to replace my earning while pg and at home with baby.

if you were in similar situation would that be what you would do? `

coppertop, he has compalined of that in the past months or so, yet i wasnt struggling to do clothes etc then as i had my money. only have it for a month and then we are stuck.

Yes, agree taking responsibility for finances is okay when it is a natural task sharing exercise. Do NOT think it is a good idea as a solution to irresponsibility about money.

Not tackling the root cause imo, just dealing with the fall out. How is that healthy?

Sorry this is upsettign you, but hopefully better to deal with this stuff now before it escalates, even if it is probably a little threatening and uncomfortable.

I would say no to the holiday. I'm not sure how much you'd enjoy it anyway if you were worrying about the money.

Good luck.

Say yes to the holiday if you can prove on paper - together - that you can afford it.

if i were in a similar situation no I would not go on holiday

and no I would not take hand-outs of 'his money' longer term or suffer this idea that you taking charge of anything is 'degrading'

it is a holiday with your parents yes? what is he going to do, bundle you and your parents into a car with blankets over your heads if you say you won't go?

lol capp did have to snigger at that.
thanks guys for all your input. will sit down tonight and try and have a chat bout it. ( can already see me bursting in tears and him sulking) but hey will try and brave it. maybe if i write down in a letter how i feel and why etc i might beable to put my point across better to him. ( he gets annoyed when i cry, but really struggling at the mo as just about got energy to get up some day due to severe blood loss)
thanx.

show him this thread

show him everyone else thinks you should share the financial decisions

OK, this is my solution.

First, the Florida holiday. Given your illness, it is unreasonable to think you may be well enough to go. Cancel it and hang on to the money for the moment.

Secondly, get in control of everyone's spending. Set up four accounts. A joint account where money for all the bills goes. Work out how much it is and transfer that amount every month. Include clothing your daughter in this amount as she is a joint responsibility. Once the bills money is out, divide the remaining up into three equal parts. One part goes into his current account. That is his spending money for his fags, toys, clothes and drinkies. One part goes into your current account for your personal spending. The final part goes into a savings account for emergencies, holidays and covering cash flow crises. Any extra money you get from little bits and pieces of jobs, gifts etc, put in the savings account. In this way you each have some financial independance and also some joint responsibilities.

It's not going to be an easy conversation, especially given his propensity to control via finances. But this is the time you need to have it. You have a child on the way, he is going to be financially responible for it.

We are in a similar situation I think; my dp earns and I earn very little but am studying for a course and future earning potential. I have 2 dds from my previous marriage. I was earning a good wage but had to give it up due to increasing back problems and he took on more of the financial provider role. I do feel guilty at this sometimes but he assures me that he knew what he was taking on from the beginning so would rather have a happy home and go without the luxuries that all his (childless) friends can afford.

We sat down when we bought our new house and worked out what we needed to maintain it all, this is actually his basic salary; anything on top which he earns is his. If we go over the budget I top it up with the little bits I earn from book keeping at home and my incapacity benefit. He does the same with any bonuses he has.

However, we are planning a 3rd child (our 1st together) and I know that he will put as much in as is required and will support me completely if my back gets worse (which it is bound to do). You are having a difficult pregnancy and I see the £5k extra as something which although you say is his, is something he didn't think he'd get, so should be used as necessary to maintain the upkeep of the house and you.

I hope it works out well for you as this extra stress will not be helping you and your bump x

OK. Here's the advice I was given by a very astute grandmother!

You have THREE bank accounts. One for you, one for him, and one for the household.

All money goes into the household account. All bills etc. are paid out of the household account - preferably by direct debit - and you keep a clear record (computer, paper or whatever works) of what those bills are. All housekeeping spending comes out of the household account (she advocated taking a fixed amount out in cash each week, and that was what you had to spend)

Anything left over once the bills are paid is split equally between your two personal accounts. That is your money, and does not need to be accounted for. He can spend his on anything he likes, without justifying it, or worrying that it's spoken for - and so can you.

However, this requires discipline, and a very clear picture of what your spending pattern is like. Avoid paying by card if you can, as that will be a bill coming in that you may not have planned for.

DH and I run our own business, and have made precisely no money for 3 years. We have managed, so far, not to argue about money at all - at least in part because we know that the essentials get paid for before either of us can just go out and spend.

I hope you manage to sort things out - you don't sound unreasonable or hormonal to me at all!

agree with four accounts one for savings for hols

would be v annoying if he had spent all his money on fags and games, you had some left over and this became 'the holiday fund'

We put all the money in one pot, bills, food, essential outgoings etc come out and then we each get a set amount of money to spend a week (£20) on whatever we like, no need to justify it, no need to feel guilty because it is budgeted for. I really think you need to sit down and work out what is going in and out and take it from there.

I agree about lack of respect for you - you shouldn't need to ask for money, you are looking after his daughter and carrying his baby and should be treated as an equal partner. If it's degrading for him to ask then it is just as degrading for you.