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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being controlled by my parents

31 replies

Neonjuice · 17/03/2019 12:44

Posting under a NC as it’s very sensitive and I’d appreciate if harsh comments were kept light. I’m just so desperate for help and can not afford a solicitor. I just don’t know what do to anymore. I am being controlled and abused by my own parents, my daughter too. I have mild aspergers and struggle with PTSD and other things after severe DV where I was almost murdered with a bladed article. I think this is making me more vulnerable to the abuse from my parents and because of the lifelong hold they have over me I feel like I can’t break free.

They have always controlled me and I’ve never been able to live my life how I want to. From the clothes I wore to what I did when I left secondary. They kicked me out of my home at 19 because they didn’t like my partner (he had a job, stable life etc). I then fell pregnant and my biggest regret is letting them into my daughter’s life. They alienated my daughter’s father and his family meaning she hasn’t seen them since she was a year old. I am now 24 and am currently battling with them as they had my daughter for an overnight stay whilst I was working and are now refusing to give her back. They will only allow me to have her after nursery and one night stay at the weekends. This has been going on for 2 months now. This is happening because my father has coerced and guilted me the fact that he’s paid for the nursery hours so she has to go. I’m left with no choice. I am expecting responses like ‘just get your child it’s not hard!’ but trust me it is really hard when you are being controlled. I can’t go storming in there as it will create hell and I do not want my child exposed to that. It seems like they have planned this perfectly so that I can’t get her from their home. They know I will not involve the police to get her back as it terrifies me and I’m traumatised from a rape and a DV case in the space of a few years.

I am a working professional with two businesses and I do not even drink alcohol so there are no reasons for them to keep her. I used a childminder but had to go to a different city overnight so didn’t have any other option. I even paid them for it and they do this! My parents have forged my signatures on nursery and private school applications and have stolen her birth certificate and red book using the spare key to my house. My narc mother has always wanted my child for herself, going as far as asking me to sign parental responsibility over to her instead of my daughter’s father when I was pregnant. It’s all very messed up and I just wish I could have a normal family life. I know that I can’t and I just need to get
my daughter and run. How can people who are supposed to love you do this? They’re so toxic and it’s breaking my heart. My income is suffering as I have become depressed and I’m struggling with work.

I feel like my only choice now is to involve my daughter’s father and get her back together. I cannot go to my parents house alone, he will need to go in and take our daughter out quickly so that I can deal with any fallout away from her. I also feel like I need to involve the police and open up an abuse case against them. Can parents be charged with abusing their adult children? I’m so broken but typing it all out has made me feel better. I know that I will probably just be called a troll and be berated for ‘leaving’ my child but I really needed this outlet.

OP posts:
category12 · 17/03/2019 12:49

Couldn't you go to the nursery and pick up your dc from there? The police would certainly support you getting your child back if there's no legal reason in place why you don't have residency.

poppingoff · 17/03/2019 12:50

If you have access to her after nursery and one night at weekends, why haven't you just kept her and never set foot in your parents home ever again. And changed your locks?

Singlenotsingle · 17/03/2019 12:54

Wow! Certainly, if you're on good terms with your dd's father, enlist his help and go in together to collect her before she gets too settled there. It might be a good idea to warn the police beforehand and explain to them what's going on, in case your parents phone them while you're there.

It sounds as though you've done very well in your life so far, despite your toxic parents. I think you might want to consider
moving house afterwards. They're batshit mad, aren't they? Good luck with it all Flowers

Original poster
Neonjuice · 17/03/2019 12:55

Because they are controlling me and come to my home to pick her up. I can’t argue with them as it will upset my daughter. They will bang on the door and scare her if I don’t answer. They know exactly what they’re doing and it all seems very well orcastrared. They know I have an ASD and are taking advantage of that. I wish I’d never shared my diagnosis with them. I can’t stand up to them, I just don’t have it in me. I’m terrified of them and since it’s just me in my home they can walk all over me very easily

OP posts:
Original poster
Neonjuice · 17/03/2019 12:58

Thanks Single I think I’m going to have to push myself to go into my local station and see if there’s anyone I can speak to for help. I’ll make them aware of my plan and hopefully be able to bring some charges against them. It all goes a lot deeper but didn’t want to do a long OP. It’s just so hard because last time I was in there was for taking pictures of my horrific injuries from DV. I don’t have any friends to support me only people that work for me as I’ve given my life to my daughter and my career. Thank you for the kind words it really means a lot right nowSad

OP posts:
DonPablo · 17/03/2019 13:03

Do you own your own home or do you rent? Because if you rent, take a house or flat somewhere else and the day you get the keys, pick up your dd from nursery and go to the new home. Don't tell anyone where it is. This will give you breathing space. If you own tour home, can you afford to rent a second property to do the same thing? Then start a new life, totally no contact with your parents. Get her into a different nursery. Cut all ties and contact.

You can get copies of birth certs and the red book doesn't actually matter.

Good luck, sounds bloody terrifying.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 17/03/2019 13:04

Ring the local council. They have a vulnerable adult service. Ask for their help. Ring social services. Keeping your dd from her dm is abuse. Ring the police. She has effectively been snatched.
You have to do this op. History may repeat with your dd. She needs you. Today.

Dinnaehinksae · 17/03/2019 13:04

I don't have much advice other than possibly try contacting woman's aid. I don't know if you've had previous dealings with them but they may be able to help you, they don't only get involved in spousal abuse and you might find they can either support you or direct you to services that are better suited.

SometimesMaybe · 17/03/2019 13:05

Go to the nursery and tell them what is happening. They will be able to give advice and support and point you in the direction of help - social work, health visitor etc. Alternatively go to your GP?
Can you get in touch with your daughters father or was he responsible for the DV?
But you need to start speaking to people to get help and soon.
You are her mother, you can do this, you need to do this.

Happynow001 · 17/03/2019 13:09

Do you rent your home OP and move without leaving your new address? It would mean changing your childcare also.

Do you run your business from home - or is this in a separate location where they can get access to you? It may be you may have to get the police to advise you to protect yourself from your "parents" as they sound emotional abusive).

Can your exPartner help you with this and you get support going forwards from him and his family if the relationship is still good enough?

You need to get away from your parents and then go totally No Contact with them I think as you will never heal from them and they do not sound like people to have any contact yourself with your daughter.

It may be, as I'm sure they'll persist, you may need to get a solicitor involved to keep them away from you both.

I hope you are able to get some help OP.

Original poster
Neonjuice · 17/03/2019 13:10

I rent but I do have a colleague who I stay with for work that would probably put us up and it’s over 100 miles away. I’m so scared of what will happen after I get her back but I guess that’s how they want me to feel. God knows what’s going through their minds and why they think this is acceptable. My narc mother is creepily obsessed with my daughter, like she wants her to be her own because she messed me up! My father is her enabler and finances everything she wants to do with my daughter. They’ve already made her go to an Irish dancing class, none of us are IrishConfused I can’t wait to break free from them and re-start my life how I want to live it. I’m going to force myself into the police station after work and hopefully get things moving. I will update with any changes. Thank you so much for the kind comments you’re the only people that have supported me since I don’t have friendsFlowers

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/03/2019 13:15

Phone Woman's Aid their abuse is no less than a woman fleeing DV from a partner

ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks

Thatnovembernight · 17/03/2019 13:18

You can’t let this go on because you are worried about having an argument with your parents in front of your child. They will damage and abuse your daughter the way they did/ have done to you. You must protect her. Don’t keep giving her back. If it were me : Tell the police. Tell nursery. Change the locks. Make longer term plans to move house. You urgently need therapy to adjust your thinking that you have to what they say.

There are plenty of people who have no contact at all with their parents. They deserve nothing from you if this is how they treat you. If I were you I would be looking at moving a substantial distance away and starting a new life with your little girl. You are young and if you are smart enough to run two businesses I am sure you are more than capable of building a wonderful life for the two of you.

It sounds like you’ve had a really, really awful time of it and I’m sure you just feel totally spent, like you’ve got nothing left. But you MUST get your child back. They cannot be allowed to take her. Please get a record of this made with the police, your GP, the nursery etc in case they try to cause trouble in the future. They have NO RIGHT to take your child or dictate where she lives and how long you can spend with her. Sorry if this all sounds bossy; it isn’t meant to be! I just want it to be really clear that you are in the right, they are in the wrong and the situation can’t be allowed to carry on. Make a plan. Here rooting for you xxx

Thatnovembernight · 17/03/2019 13:22

Cross posted! Glad to hear your update. Hope it goes well x

Singlenotsingle · 17/03/2019 13:25

They've made a mess of bringing you up, and given the chance, they'll do it again with your DD, so you can't let that happen. Everything you've achieved is in spite of them, not because of them.

Happynow001 · 17/03/2019 13:33

Good luck my dear - stay strong, for your daughter's sake even more than for yours! 🌹 and 🤗

SavoyCabbage · 17/03/2019 13:35

I agree with November. You can't worry about your dd being upset overhearing a row when the alternative is so much more damaging to her.

You are capable of getting out of this. You have a home and a job. You aren't some loser who can't do anything for themselves.

Absolutely speak to your ex for support or someone at work. I'd come with you if we worked together and you said you needed help. Most people are good hearted.

StillMe1 · 17/03/2019 13:42

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FizzyGreenWater · 17/03/2019 13:59

Oh my goodness, you need to go to the police.

Tell them everything that you've said on here.

You can absolutely get your daughter back and cut them out. They have absolutely no legal rights.

You will need a restraining order, but I seriously suggest that the easiest thing to do would be to move very very far away!

ThatFalseEquivalenceTho · 17/03/2019 14:02

Call the police. They don’t have Parental Responsibility for your child. Or simply to NOT take your child back next time you have her. Go to your friends with your child immediately, and get a new SIM card on your way. Change her childcare. Do not tell them. Have no contact with them.

TowelNumber42 · 17/03/2019 14:16

Police and your nice ex seems like a good idea. Could you move closer to where he lives?

Cherrysoup · 17/03/2019 15:42

If you can’t go to the police, please don’t allow your parents into your home to remove your child again. Good luck with this, they sound horrible.

MumUnderTheMoon · 17/03/2019 15:50

I'm not sure if I can keep my comments "light". I also have Autism and PTSD but neither of these are reasons to be anything less than an assertive parent. You have become complicit in your parents abuse of your child and there is no excuse. Go to nursery and pick her up then go to the police station and tell them that you need someone to accompany you to get back her birth certificate and explain about your parents coercive and controlling ways. Grow up and stand up for her right now!

ColeHawlins · 17/03/2019 15:51

I rent but I do have a colleague who I stay with for work that would probably put us up and it’s over 100 miles away. I’m so scared of what will happen after I get her back but I guess that’s how they want me to feel. God knows what’s going through their minds and why they think this is acceptable.

Of course you're scared. But you're more scared of not getting your DD back right?

They've drawn a line and you have to act now. There's no hope of keeping them sweet any longer. This is the big split, and you'll be free from now on. But you need to be brave and follow the logical steps to get your daughter.

Change the lock to your house first.
Report the thefts and frauds to the police.
Try to get some advice about representing yourself at family court, or finding a mckenzie friend or pro-bono help.

ColeHawlins · 17/03/2019 15:53

Rights of Women are fabulous. Contact them as soon as the applicable advice line in open (National line Tuesday, London line tomorrow);

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/