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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's played me like a goodun hasn't he?

27 replies

LLCK · 17/03/2019 12:35

Long story short. I'm trying to separate from my husband and I've realised a few things
we worked together and were friends. We used to text each other and his wife then found out and kicked off. Nothing was going on at all. When this all kicked off he told me and other colleagues his wife had been cheating and hed punched the fella as his hand was bruised. He told others that she trapped his hand in the door.

Anyway they divorced and a year later we started going out. We found he couldn't get credit as apparently she'd stopped paying the mortgage on their house after her left. Therefore I had to put a huge deposit down on a house and it's in my sole name.
He's since had letters 're. an unpaid sky and gym membership. He swears he's never had either.

I've realised all the texts etc between him and his ex wife whilst they were sorting out the divorce and their house not once was her adultery or not paying the mortgage mentioned. It didn't happen did it?

OP posts:
CoparentFail · 17/03/2019 12:40

He lined you up as the next victim. She probably felt he was cheating on her with you (even if you didn't realise that was where he wanted to take it).

He lied about her to make you feel sorry for him.
When he left, she got the good end of the bargain.

Sorry OP. Flowers

ConfCall · 17/03/2019 12:41

Hard to say. Solicitors often advise against citing adultery in divorce proceedings so maybe that's why this issue hasn't arisen in conversation.

That said, you know he lied about his hand and your instincts are telling you that something's amiss. You don't trust him, and that's a problem.

Original poster
LLCK · 17/03/2019 12:46

we don't have a joint account and I manage to save to do the house up. we've had 10 grand worth of work done out of my money while he's never offered a penny. I don't know where his money goes

OP posts:
Original poster
LLCK · 17/03/2019 13:07

I want him to leave but he can't get a mortgage so he'll have to rent. I've offered him 5 grand out of the house and he's moaning.

OP posts:
Hiphopopotamous · 17/03/2019 13:10

😫 you married him after all that?!
If you're married it doesn't really matter whose name is on the main residence, it's a joint asset now.
If you can buy him out and he accepts at least you get to keep it.

Original poster
LLCK · 17/03/2019 13:12

I can't afford to buy him out but I can give him 5 grand savings which he's accepted.

OP posts:
Original poster
LLCK · 17/03/2019 13:13

I've spoke to a solicitor who advised I offer 5 grand don't go after his pension

OP posts:
Hiphopopotamous · 17/03/2019 13:16

Assume from that the solicitor knows the value of his pension and this will work out better for you in both the short and long term.
Do you have any children?

Original poster
LLCK · 17/03/2019 13:18

we have one child. I don't go after his pension if he agrees to take 5

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 17/03/2019 13:25

How much is his pension worth compared to how much equity you have in the house?

Original poster
LLCK · 17/03/2019 13:26

I've no idea but keeping the house is my priority for our child. I have my own pension but I'm part time

OP posts:
Hiphopopotamous · 17/03/2019 13:29

His pension might be ££££ and so half of that could be worth more than half your house.
You need to know the pension value before you make a deal.

Hiphopopotamous · 17/03/2019 13:29

And not because you want the pension, but because you might get to keep the £5k savings

Original poster
LLCK · 17/03/2019 13:52

I'm an idiot at times

OP posts:
CoparentFail · 17/03/2019 14:12

Not this time, you're not.
You've got him figured out and you're breaking the silence to ask others for help and advice.
Sounds pretty clever to me.

LMBoston · 17/03/2019 15:07

We humans are all idiots at times (see my Stupid thread for a prime example!). The really idiotic thing would be to keep being an idiot and you’re not. You sound quite together and sure of how you want to proceed — it’s the legalities of the financial situation that need sorting (not my forté lol). Just a caution though: if he’s already in debt with bad credit (and there’s probably more debts that you don’t know about, speaking from experience), then he’d probably need a guarantor to rent (don’t let it be you!) and £5000 won’t go far...just make sure that if you do give him that money, it’s legally binding that he can’t ask for more.
Wishing you the best of luck, from one recovering idiot to another Flowers

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 17/03/2019 15:37

I'm honestly wondering if you're the DP of my ex, who told everyone I had an affair with my best (male) friend, and that's why he left me. The truth is actually that he lost the plot after realising how much debt he'd got himself into, and physically assaulted me to the point he broke his wrist. (don't worry OP, you're not her!) None of our communications since have ever referred to what went on then, mainly because I try to be unemotional about it because of our DC.

Other people will be along with better advice, but in the meantime, prioritise housing - preferably staying where you are now, even if that means you taking out a loan to buy him out. You & DC will need that stability. Make sure you look into what you'd be entitled to for tax credits, etc. Plus, sign up to a 30 day trial membership of credit checking site to make sure your credit rating hasn't been used by him - this was vital for me.

And you're not an idiot. I had no idea how much debt ex-P had got himself into, and he only told me because we were about to be evicted for non-payment of rent.Until that point as far as I was aware, we were making ends meet. He was actually 30k in debt and not repaying anything.

You sound pretty level-headed, and are obviously taking control of things. Good luck, and go onwards & upwards Flowers

Original poster
LLCK · 17/03/2019 17:15

I just think he's a liar. He's always the victim. We went to couples counselling and he agreed with everything in the room but as soon as we got outside he disagreed and argued every point

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 17/03/2019 17:33

Make sure his agreement to take the 5k as a final settlement is signed or he could come back for more.

CoparentFail · 17/03/2019 17:34

OP, have you heard the saying "Street Angel, House Devil"? Is he absolutely lovely to those living outside the house and unrecognisable inside it (at least after he thinks you're locked in)?

Original poster
LLCK · 17/03/2019 17:57

No he's ok whilst in the house I just don't want to be here with him. I've screenshotted messaged of him saying he'll take 5k

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 17/03/2019 18:08

At least you had the sense to put the house in your sole name.

Original poster
LLCK · 17/03/2019 18:20

He couldn't get a mortgage so I had to. Thank God really

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 17/03/2019 19:03

And you really are married to him? Shock

Original poster
LLCK · 17/03/2019 19:08

Yes why?

OP posts: