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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

partners daughter is a problem

44 replies

Applecrumble79 · 16/03/2019 09:39

My partners daughter is only 7. She is rude to me and my partner says and does nothing. I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. I know she’s being a typical kid, possessive of dad, feels threatened by me, probably got her mum saying nasty things in her ear so i totally understand she will resent me. I don’t take it personally but I find it offensive that my partner doesn’t intervene and allows her to be so rude. She physically pushed me to go away and my partner said nothing. When I speak to her she ignores me. She clicks her fingers and he goes running and is the type of parent making up for the fact he is not with her full time.
We don’t live together and I’m glad we don’t because I could imagine the drama. It’s just got me thinking about the future and where this relationship is really going. I need to raise with him how I feel but not sure how. My child was rude to him once and he said “are you gona allow him to talk to me like that” straight away. I tend to mostly see his daughter in social situations ie family meals/bbq’s.
not sure where this relationship is going at all.

OP posts:
Thatnovembernight · 16/03/2019 09:44

If he is so quick to correct your child you MUST point it out when the shoe is on the other foot. And remind him how he responded/felt etc. If he won’t listen it doesn’t sound promising.

Onemansoapopera · 16/03/2019 09:50

Agree with you. There's no future. Remove yourself. You're not going to blend in any way. Stepmums and stepdaughters who start in this way never can. Too much feminine rivalry over the man in the middle, but she has to come before you, she only has one dad where you and he could meet other people. Time to be pragmatic and selfless.

ch3rrycola · 16/03/2019 09:51

I'd call it a day to be honest

Original poster
Applecrumble79 · 16/03/2019 09:53

Yes that’s what I thought. Definitely no future. I’m not competing with a child and she will always come first I wouldn’t expect that any other way. But I don’t expect her rudeness being overlooked and find my partner equally as rude for allowing it

OP posts:
MayFayner · 16/03/2019 09:53

Oh well. Probably best to split up.

Hazlenutpie · 16/03/2019 09:54

Your thread should read partner is a problem.

Frenchmontana · 16/03/2019 09:55

The daughter isnt a problem.

Your partner is. If he had actually patented his child from day one, this wouldn't be happening.

He hasn't done his job as a parent. That's the issue

Bluestitch · 16/03/2019 09:56

I'd walk away too. I'd have no respect for him as a parent and I wouldn't tolerate him holding my child to different standards.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 16/03/2019 12:29

This MN mantra of "you have a dh problem" makes me tired. Sure, he should step in if she's badly behaved, but the child is also a problem.
In schools, we are forever dealing with the fallout of parents thinking that their child can't be held responsible for their own bad behaviour. At 7, this one is old enough to know that she shouldn't be acting like this. And if her father won't deal with it, I think you're within your rights to tell her that you won't be spoken to rudely. There doesn't have to be a big scene; you can say it lightly and pleasantly but let her know you mean it and there's to be no more messing with you.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/03/2019 12:31

I don't understand why you haven't told the child off or had it out with your partner before now. Three years is a long time to out up with this. Personally I'd leave a man who was an ineffective parent, unwilling to impose basic manners.

Frenchmontana · 16/03/2019 12:33

In schools, we are forever dealing with the fallout of parents thinking that their child can't be held responsible for their own bad behaviour. At 7, this one is old enough to know that she shouldn't be acting like this.

And the children act like that because their parents dont hold them responsible. If you arent taught it's wrong or taught its fine......a child will think its fine

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/03/2019 12:36

When people say the child should come first, there's a difference between a child's needs and their wants.
She needs to be loved and looked after. She also needs to be taught appropriate behaviour and good manners. She might not want the OP to be in her father's life, but at some point he will have a relationship, either with the OP or someone else and it would be good for the child if she was taught by her dad how to accommodate this. A child is entitled to a kind step parent. She isn't entitled to dominate adult relationships with her bad behaviour. Her dad is failing her but not intervening.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 16/03/2019 12:38

Yes I agree with previous posts. A child coming first does not equate to a child being allowed to be rude and domineering. I doubt that your DP will change though, and it's made worse by his higher expectations of your child. You can't live like that.

Oblomov19 · 16/03/2019 12:45

He won't change. It's a lost cause!

bullyingadvice2017 · 16/03/2019 12:45

This is why I couldn't be with a Disney dad. Don't like naughty kids and really don't like parents who think their brats should be inflicted on everyone else. The way he pulls your son for it is laughable. Bet he would be a shit stepdad for your son.

Merryoldgoat · 16/03/2019 13:27

This would be the end for me. It sounds like no fun at all and he sounds like a useless father - how is that good for you long-term?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 16/03/2019 14:53

If you aren't taught it's wrong or taught its fine......a child will think its fine
Well, not necessarily. In my experience, children know perfectly well when they're behaving badly and will pick and choose who they play up for. I've see perfectly sweet and otherwise pleasant children behave appallingly with certain adults if they think they can get away with it. It's up to the adult concerned to deal with it and set expectations. If you do set those boundaries (as I said, pleasantly and firmly) a lot will depend on your partner's reaction. If he has a go at you, then this relationship is doomed.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 16/03/2019 14:59

Seriously op you need to walk away. It isn't appropriate for your dc to around either of them.
Can't believe you have stuck it so long.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 16/03/2019 15:07

It's not the child that's the problem, it's your partner. I've got an amazing relationship with my now adult stepdaughter. But it couldn't have happened if her dad and I hadn't parented together. We backed each other up so she couldn't manipulate us and after very little time she never tried.

This relationship has no future. Sorry, but at least you've found out early on and you'll know what to look out for with future partners.

TwoRoundabouts · 16/03/2019 15:12

My up bringing is such that if a child is rude to you you tell them off.

If the parent then says you mustn't tell my child off then you no longer have anything to do with the family as you would be unable to keep the child safe if such a situation arose.

So tell his daughter off if she is rude to you. If your partner complains then make him become your ex.

ukgift2016 · 16/03/2019 15:13

I have a 7 year old daughter. She gets on really well with my partner and her dad girlfriend.

Like other posters have said, the problem here is her parents. She is a product of her upbringing.

Take this as an warning sign and run from this guy.

Frenchmontana · 16/03/2019 15:24

Well, not necessarily. In my experience, children know perfectly well when they're behaving badly and will pick and choose who they play up for. I've see perfectly sweet and otherwise pleasant children behave appallingly with certain adults if they think they can get away with it. It's up to the adult concerned to deal with it and set expectations.

So that's my point. Someone said it's not just down to him, that the child should not act like that. Children are impulsive and not emotionally mature. If they can get away with something, they will.

I was answering the point of someone saying its not really a dp problem. It absolutely is

glitterdayz · 16/03/2019 15:33

What I don't get is how your dp is ok with his dd being rude to anyone, unless some is personal up setting my dc I wouldn't ever be happy or ok with them being rude. Even with my exh and his current gf or the one before who was very over powering, allowing you dc to feel comfortable to be rude to adults or anyone is just wrong.
Because dislike creates bad feelings and I would rather my dc feel happy and be nice.
Plus I understand the needing to make up for not being around but many parents work hours that aren't suitable for waking up with their dc and polluting them to bed every night, my gf was only around at weekends and still sometimes he had to work, my dp does shifts, so can miss a lot, it's about how you parent in that time, not the amount.

Sn0tnose · 16/03/2019 15:34

Irrespective of whether it's a partner problem or a partner's daughter problem (I'd say a combination of the two) your relationship with this man has no future. He is holding his child to a different standard than he is holding yours. That is never going to be a sustainable basis on which to blend families.

feska5 · 16/03/2019 15:36

The daughter is 7 and she isn’t being taught manners or respect by the sounds of things. If her parents aren’t going to bother she will probably be a petulant, stroppy teenager who expects all her own way. It’s only going to get worse. Three years together is a long time but I would cut and run if I were you. Sadly your partner isn’t respecting you either.

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