partners daughter is a problem

[Applecrumble79]

My partners daughter is only 7. She is rude to me and my partner says and does nothing. I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. I know she’s being a typical kid, possessive of dad, feels threatened by me, probably got her mum saying nasty things in her ear so i totally understand she will resent me. I don’t take it personally but I find it offensive that my partner doesn’t intervene and allows her to be so rude. She physically pushed me to go away and my partner said nothing. When I speak to her she ignores me. She clicks her fingers and he goes running and is the type of parent making up for the fact he is not with her full time.
We don’t live together and I’m glad we don’t because I could imagine the drama. It’s just got me thinking about the future and where this relationship is really going. I need to raise with him how I feel but not sure how. My child was rude to him once and he said “are you gona allow him to talk to me like that” straight away. I tend to mostly see his daughter in social situations ie family meals/bbq’s.
not sure where this relationship is going at all.

I will definitely need to start correcting this child but politely. I’m already thinking of excuses not to be around for her birthday etc.
When we’re talking she interrupts and he allows her to then lead the convo. I’m fed up of it to be honest.
When I’m joking around with my partner she sees it as a personal attack on her dad and gets involved in a nasty way.
This girl is the apple of her daddy’s eye and I see that going forwards it is only going to get worse unless he steps up!

As said earlier, you don’t have a daughter of... problem but a useless parent as a partner problem. Do not correct her, it won’t go down well.

It will only get worse and he will always see it as ‘your problem’.

You can politely correct her. But how will that go down with your DP? Will be support that? Have you ever discussed this with your DP? Surely in three years the subject would have come up?

Also, it doesn’t fix the underlying issue - which is their relationship. You can’t change that.

Posters keep saying that it's not the child's fault. Well, whilst she may be behaving badly due to the way she's been allowed/encouraged to (by her parents), she is nevertheless choosing to act that way and is therefore responsible.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess except she is 7. She isn't emotionally mature. Children arent known for not pushing boundaries and not trying stuff on.

Run for the hills.

Get lost with probably got her mum saying nasty things in her ear so i totally understand she will resent me unless you've got proof.

This is why I am thrilled to be separated & soon to be divorced from my STBXH. His daughter was/is a nightmare. It’s not her fault. He is a Disney Dad & her parents can’t communicate. It’s not her fault but she’s awful & he wouldn’t discuss her behaviour / attitude. It won’t change, run for the hills.

Does she want you around for her birthday?

What's interesting is that you haven't raised these concerns with your partner sooner. How is the communication between you both?

It sounds to me you may need to do some uprooting work in your relationship, to bring to light some 'possible' issues that are manifesting surrounding communication.

Are you comfortable asserting your needs, want and boundaries to him. And equally how well does he 'receive' when you've raise issues in the past.

It also sounds to me (and I could be wrong) that your a little jealous of the daughter. In a way, your comments read a little like you're a victim, I haven't read anything from you asserting yourself as an adult to take control of the situation by addressing it with your partner.

To simply want to bail on a relationship after 3 years because of the way you've not addressed a communication issue - makes me think this behaviour will follow you to your next relationship.

Relationships take work from both sides. Are you both commited to honoring each other's needs within this partnership. It sounds like he has rightly set a standard for himself in regards to how he is spoken to, but you not so much - and tbh that's your job to communicate.

Relationships are not like Disney movies, they take real guts and determination to face the things that 'we' need to work on for growth. The title, I fear, should read 'I have communication issues, help!' Tbh

Eye rolls @blueskyes

Yup. Agree with janedonought. Totally lost me with the dig against dds dm. See you’re following the well trodden path of blaming everything which goes wrong in your relationship on the ex-w. So much easier than looking closer to home.

Why would her mum say nasty things about you?

The nail in the coffin would have been him pointing out your DCs behaviour. So hypocritical... I'd have ended the relationship.

Allowing his DD to disrespect you without consequences, shows he doesn't respect you himself.

My child was rude to him once and he said “are you gona allow him to talk to me like that” straight away
So why haven't you responded the same to him already?

You're too busy trying to please him and be 'polite' instead of sticking up for yourself and insisting on being treated with respect by both of them.

You are not going to win this one. End the relationship and find someone who respects you.

I know this is a bit against the grain, but for me, OP's DP needs to support the OP but not swoop in and save her every time the DSD is rude. To me a parent should never look to the other parent to deal with bad behaviour, regardless of whether they are bio parents or a blended family.

This can create a situation where your DSD really does feel excluded and that he is choosing the OP over her.

7 year olds say and do rude things if left uncorrected. You are a grown up in her life and should correct her if she is behaving badly. If at that point your DP undermines you, then there is a problem.

Work out what your boundries are with your DSD and enforce them. If DO supports you then all is well, if not then at least you know what the dynamic will be going forward.

Call it a day. Imagine the brat as a teenager. Do you really, really want to deal with that . Your dp does see the problem as he pointed out with your ds, he just chooses to ignore it.

Either you're all family or you're not. That problem comes from differentiating status. You may not be her parent, but you are a responsible adult. Same for your partner towards your child. If these roles can't be respected by all of you then it's going to be a tricky life.

I actually think blueskyes nailed it upthread.

How much time to you spend with dp and dsd? It doesn’t sound like much (you say you mainly see her at bbq’s etc).

You do sound like you are powerless in this. Google drama triangles. Enforcing your own boundaries is the only way. That includes with DP as well as DSD.