Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH advice needed

60 replies

helppleaseDH · 15/03/2019 15:33

I really need someone to talk to about the issues I am currently having with my DH. We have been married 3 years and have one DS who is 4 and our second DS is 2 weeks old.

For around the last year or so we have been having some relationship issues, my husband has become very quick to anger. If we have a row he will shout and swear at me and he regularly tells me I am stupid and difficult to get along with, people don't like me etc. I have just had our second child and really need some support and kindness and love and I am just not getting it, the arguments and the anger continue.
Today he went and got our DS birth certificate and I was going to ask him if he was going to use it to open a bank account for our son (as we have discussed doing this) and before I had even finished the question he told me that I couldn't question him and am argument just escalated from there and he shouted and swore at me several times and he tells me it's my fault, I make him angry and I am a unreasonable.
I haven't told anyone in real life how bad it has got. I am really close to my parents and I don't want to involve them as they really like him and truthfully if I tell them how bad it is and we stay together it will be hard for them to get on with him again.
I just don't know what to do, I have tried to talking to him. Part of me just wants to be away from him with our sons but where will i go and our son is happy at nursery etc. and then I would have to tell people what has been going on.
I love him and have known him forever I don't want to split up but I really don't know what to do and I feel that I have no one to talk to. Feel very lonely.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/03/2019 18:18

What a Prince Hmm

How did a lovely girl like you end up with a dick like him ? < shakes head >

rvby · 31/03/2019 18:33

@helppleaseDH I'm so sorry to tell you this, but now that hes stood over you, approached you in that way that men do when they want to start a fight - that is actually physical abuse. Women's aid was created to help women in your situation specifically. You are being abused. Your children are in a precarious position because once the violence really explodes, your dh could seriously injure or kill you, your children could potentially be motherless.

I'm so sorry, I'm sure you dont want to hear this but its the truth, you're going to need to tell your parents and get yourself and your babies to safety. Xx

HundredMilesAnHour · 31/03/2019 18:36

I know that he smokes weed some evenings, could that be causing the anger?

It can be a contributing factor, in my experience. My ex used to smoke weed occasionally and it made him an aggressive idiot who made bad, selfish decisions. We agreed he would stop. He tried but not hard enough. I left him.

OP your posts are heartbreaking and also worrying for your safety and the baby's safety. Please talk to your parents and get some support. You may not feel ready to leave yet but there is no coming back from how this man is treating you. You need to prioritise your safety.

Original poster
helppleaseDH · 31/03/2019 19:17

Thank you all for your support today, just being able to talk to you about what is going on is so helpful.
We are in our way home from his mums and he has been so nice to me whilst we were out, but I am walking in egg shells. His family are very traditional and they wouldn't support me at all.
I keep saying to myself if it happens again I will tell someone or leave, but it keeps happening and I don't do anything.

OP posts:
October60 · 31/03/2019 19:26

I know that he smokes weed some evenings, could that be causing the anger?

I have known a couple of guys who became belligerent after smoking.

They had underlying issues but it definitely made them significantly more aggressive

AnyFucker · 31/03/2019 19:27

The ball is in your court, love

When you are ready you have a big decision to make. Walk on eggshells for the rest of your life or decide this is not good enough for you and your boys.

Talk to your parents. Please.

supersop60 · 31/03/2019 19:32

OP. PLEASE tell your parents. Your husband is an abuser, and it sounds like it's getting worse. Are you going to wait until he hits you? he is already intimidating you physically. Please don't let this be your story, or your children's story.
You don't want your DS to be ringing Childline in 10 years time because "Dad has hit mum again, and now she won't wake up"
Sorry to be so blunt, but there are a lot of threads on MN about this sort of thing. Get help in RL and be careful.Flowers for Mother's Day.

PicsInRed · 31/03/2019 19:40

OP, I think you'll find your husband here:

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

The link below explains why he's an arsehole, then brings you flowers: Hmm Flowers

www.whiteribbon.org.au/understand-domestic-violence/what-is-domestic-violence/cycle-of-violence/

PicsInRed · 31/03/2019 19:41

It's time to tell your parents, lovely.

Hazlenutpie · 31/03/2019 19:44

Women's Aid will definitely help you, as emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse. Domestic abuse is taken very seriously by Children's Services. When I worked in the community, I would have routinely referred your family to a social worker. This is because children who witness any type of domestic abuse are also being abused. You can speak to a social worker yourself about your situation and I would do this as they can support you in leaving. They can also support you in refusing his contact with the children.

You need to get out of this harmful relationship to protect yourself and your children. I echo what everyone else is saying, tell your parents. Your relationship is already over, so you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

EKGEMS · 01/04/2019 15:44

The saddest part of your posts is to think of your children being harmed physically/emotionally/mentally by your husband. He's menacing you and abusing you so that you are terrified of defending yourself verbally! My parents had a terrible relationship like this it was like growing up in a minefield and every one of my siblings including me have mental health challenges because neither one of my parents had the guts to leave an abusive relationship like your situation

simonisnotme · 01/04/2019 16:51

talk to your parents even if you dont feel strong enough to leave , at least let them know that he a nasty bastard and is abusing you not with violence Yet but the way he behaves towards you, you need love not threats and abuse

Original poster
helppleaseDH · 01/04/2019 17:14

I just don't have the right words to explain what is going on to them. How do I start? They will be so shocked and once I say it, it's real then. Sorry I am so pathetic and can't just tell them and leave, it's so hard. I feel like leaving would turn mine and my sons world upside down.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 01/04/2019 17:37

I feel like leaving would turn mine and my sons world upside down.

It will, there's no getting around that OP, but that's not a reason to stay with someone you're becoming afraid of. It's terrifying, planning to leave and uproot your life and your DC, we know that and no one's expecting you not to be scared, you can do this one little step at a time.

The most important thing for you to do now is tell someone. I know that makes it real but you can't keep carrying this around on your own. You also need someone to know so you have help lined up if things escalate further. Your parents are the obvious choice but it doesn't have to be them if there's someone else you feel more comfortable with.

As for the actual conversation could you start it by saying that you really need to talk to someone, that there are things happening in your marriage you're worried about and then take it from there? Maybe explain that his angry outbursts are becoming more aggressive and you're starting to feel scared? I think most people would recognise that as abusive straight away and know that you need help.

And there's still Women's Aid, they have the benefit of training and experience and it might feel easier talking to someone slightly more removed and objective. It can also be helpful to hear a 'professional' confirm that it is abuse, sometimes you need that to really believe it. I'll repeat what I said, you can't carry this around on your own anymore OP, please, please talk to someone Flowers

Hidingtonothing · 01/04/2019 17:43

One other thing, if there's any chance he has access to your phone/tablet/etc you need to cover your tracks online. Delete history if you're posting on here or contacting WA, things could escalate more quickly if he gets wind you're thinking of leaving. Your safety is paramount Flowers

nrpmum · 01/04/2019 17:50

OP you do have the words. You have used them here x

Original poster
helppleaseDH · 01/04/2019 18:27

I think I can start by talking to WA, I can call them tomorrow when DH is at work.

OP posts:
Hazlenutpie · 01/04/2019 19:12

You could talk to your Health Visitor. They are trained in supporting people who are in abusive relationships.

simonisnotme · 01/04/2019 19:58

your world will get turned upside down, but think how good it will be when your away from him and can focus on you and the kids not him, his anger and walking on eggshells in-case he kicks off and gets violent

Hidingtonothing · 02/04/2019 16:13

How are you today OP?

pog100 · 02/04/2019 16:55

OP, you've found the right words, you've written them down here. People don't usually recommend showing threads to other people as they are your nice private space, but if you can't do it any other way why don't you show them part of all of your thread? Somehow it other you need real life support with this and it sounds like your parents are best placed to offer it. You just need to get over that hurdle of starting the conversation. You can do it, you will ultimately be much happier! Good luck.

Original poster
helppleaseDH · 02/04/2019 17:22

Today has been a mixed day, we went to our sons Easter play at nursery which was lovely but DH just keeps making these nasty comments.
I am so tired also as the baby isn't sleeping much atm and I really struggle with lack of sleep. I need DH to help me more with baby but he says he does a lot with our toddler and that's enough.
We are going to stay with my parents at the weekend, just me and the boys which will be lovely and I am trying to prepare myself to tell them whilst we are there. So scared of making it real. Sorry for typos I am feeding baby

OP posts:
Needsomebottle · 02/04/2019 23:37

They will be so shocked and once I say it, it's real then. Sorry I am so pathetic and can't just tell them and leave, it's so hard. I feel like leaving would turn mine and my sons world upside down

It's real now. It's happening. If you tell your parents, you get their support. If he seeks help and changes, then you will be glad of your parents opinion on his behaviour as to whether this is a safe relationship.

It is unlikely to get easier to leave. It is unlikely you will feel stronger in the future if you continue down this path, he will chip further and further at your self esteem, he will ostracise you further from your family.

Your boys are little, the impact would be far less on them now than by leaving it longer to address this. You say your eldest is settled at nursery, it will be ten times harder when your eldest is settled at school I promise you. You sound close to your parents, reach out, ask for help. They won't make you do it alone by the sounds of it. Do it for your boys. And for you.

nrpmum · 03/04/2019 07:21

Here to hand hold at the weekend if you need it telling your parents. I would bet they will be fantastic.

Buggeritimgettingup · 03/04/2019 07:31

Please tell your parents at the weekend, I would be heartbroken to know any of my children were going through this, they will support you and help you. It will turn your world upside down for a while but then you'll realise that being away from such an abusive man is the right way round.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread