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Original poster

How should I end this LDR?

55 replies

ChangeyNameyTime · 15/03/2019 15:13

I recently spent 6 months backpacking and I only stopped and settled in a new (foreign) city to start a new job in December. Whilst I was travelling I spent some time in Algeria where I briefly met a guy and we swapped numbers. We got to know each other by WhatsApp and I went back to stay with him in his village for a week before I came back to Europe. We message each other constantly and video call every day but we’ve only been together in real life for a week. We planned for me to go back at Easter and I have already started the process of getting him a Schengen visa so that he can visit me in the summer.

But, now I am more settled in my new life and starting to think about settling down, I am beginning to regret this relationship. When we have discussed where our relationship is going, he has asked me to move to his village in the Sahara because he does not want to leave. He is very reluctant to discuss even moving to a city in his country, never mind coming to Europe. My career is city-based and I could not work in his village even if I wanted to. We have a bit of a language barrier and a massive cultural barrier. He is a not-very-religious-Muslim but his family are religious. I am culturally Jewish but religiously atheist. I have a post-graduate degree in a technical field and he had to leave school before he finished high school. He “gets” feminism and he is very respectful of me and women in general but he has said awful things about LGBT people which offends me. I have been thinking about what I want and we’ve had a couple of serious conversations without really making any progress. I really like him but I think it’s time to break up because we want such different things and do not have a future together.

Then his phone broke. I now have no way of speaking directly to him to actually break up. He has contacted me via a friend to ask me to send him money for a new phone. I said I would and asked how much he would need. Several hours later I got a garbled message via his friend which said something like “if she asks how much, tell her I need a good phone, around €400”. I’ve not felt like he sees me as a cash machine before so this request has really upset me. It makes me more sure I’m doing the right thing in breaking up with him, but I don’t know how. Should I buy him the phone and then break up with him? Send him less money for a cheaper phone and then break up with him? Break up via his friend? I still like him and I want to do this in the least horrible way possible. I feel guilty especially as I don't think he is expecting this at all.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 15/03/2019 15:17

You don’t owe him a phone. Just ask his friend to pass on a message that you don’t think this is going to work out because of your differences and the distance and you’d prefer it if he didn’t try to contact you again. Then block friend’s number / email.

I appreciate this sounds very blunt, but this isn’t a “relationship” - you spent a few days together and you know it isn’t a goer.

Tomtontom · 15/03/2019 15:20

Change your number.

Don't be so foolish as to send him money.

over50andfab · 15/03/2019 15:21

Blimey OP unfortunately he’s seen you coming and due to your niceness he will eventually take full advantage if things progress how he’d like them to.

I agree with Comtesse - a polite message via his friend. You owe him nothing. Or you could play it out for proof and reply you will only send a fraction of what he wants...

adulthumanwolf · 15/03/2019 15:22

I'd just block his and his friends number. I'd be fucked off by the "£400 for a good phone" comment.

Cut it off now.

Batsypatsy · 15/03/2019 15:23

Don't send the money, that's crazy. Just break off contact. Does he know your address?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/03/2019 15:24

Do not be worried about being so called horrible here; this man has scammed you romantically to get a visa.

Send a text telling your so called boyfriend here the relationship is over and do not under any circumstances send him any more money nor a phone. Then block this number completely and get on with your life. Counselling for your own self may be helpful because your boundaries in relationships seem far too low. You've been very naïve here.

You've been scammed romantically by his sweet talking you when you were in Algeria. He basically sees you as a cash cow to milk for all its worth, that is how you are viewed as a westernised women. Cancel the visa process you've started for him also, he sees you as a route to getting a visa.

Tomtontom · 15/03/2019 15:25

he has said awful things about LGBT people which offends me. I have been thinking about what I want and we’ve had a couple of serious conversations without really making any progress. I really like him

"I really like him despite him being a nasty homophobe", is that the gist of it?

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 15/03/2019 15:25

I appreciate this sounds very blunt, but this isn’t a “relationship” - you spent a few days together and you know it isn’t a goer.

Totally agree. He's a stranger and you have no chance of a future together. He's also been quite cheeky requesting a large sum of money for a new phone!
Write it off as a fling and either send a message via his friend or wait for him to sort a new phone and for him to contact you, then break it off.

adulthumanwolf · 15/03/2019 15:26

I too think you're being scammed.

cestlavielife · 15/03/2019 15:27

Are you mad? You would spend 400 to buy a phone just so you can break.up with him?
Tell the friend sorry the relationship is over. To pass on the message.
If you really want to buy him a phone make it a £10 one.... as a parting gift

Ghostwriter90 · 15/03/2019 15:28

Sorry but he's using you for money and probably an easy way to get into the UK. Before I get vilified for this my last relationship which was very happy but we were too young was my lovely ex from the middle east. He however was very well educated, liberal and didn't ask for any money.
However you'll be surprised how.many cultures around the world are homophobic and view western women as slutty and a cash cow.
Just block him. No more needed

LividLaughLove · 15/03/2019 15:32

Oh god no.

I’ve been in the position where you feel you owe someone something. You REALLY don’t.

Don’t even think about sending money.

A polite “I’m sorry, please tell X I don’t want to be in a relationship any more. All the best,” message via his friend will more than suffice. Then move on.

TowelNumber42 · 15/03/2019 15:33

Send no money.

I wonder if he realised you were going cold so his phone conveniently broke. Now you must give £400 and a visa. Riiiiight.

Give no money. Wait for him to get his own new phone then end it when he's back in contact.

Stormyday · 15/03/2019 15:35

You’d buy him a phone so you could dump him?!

I’d get a message to him some other way or just ignore and never see him again.

ChristmasFluff · 15/03/2019 15:38

Don't bother telling him anything. He'll soon get the message when you block him and his friend and no money is forthcoming. This man is a scammer and a confidence trickster.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 15/03/2019 15:39

You’re being scammed OP.

Don’t even bother responding to his friend. Cut all contact NOW

BlokeHereInPeace · 15/03/2019 15:43

That phone isn't broke. Well done for putting this firmly in the 'holiday shag' category. No harm in that at all, your Saharan lover will be a thing to remember when the nights are dark. Good luck with the new job.

OurChristmasMiracle · 15/03/2019 15:59

No don’t buy him a phone. Pass a message through his “friend” to say that you don’t feel the relationship is working anymore.

trickyex · 15/03/2019 16:04

Dont you know his address? I would write him a polite hear john letter.
Please dont send money/pursue the visa.
If you are keen to meet someone then get involved in local life, not a LDR.

ConfCall · 15/03/2019 16:14

He's a con artist. Tell his friend that you've decided not to pursue this relationship. You won't be bothered again, he'll move on to his next target.

Original poster
ChangeyNameyTime · 15/03/2019 16:17

Thank you for all of the replies. I've never seen such a unanimous thread on here. I think you're all saying what I needed to hear. I already knew I needed to end this and I'm going to. I think I will ask the friend to lend his phone to his friend for a conversation.

To clarify a couple of things.

  • He really truely doesn't want to come to Europe (I don't live in the UK). The visa I started arranging is only a torusit visa and he was really really reluctant even to do that. He's from a very small, supportive nomadic village and he doesn't want to leave his family. I will not be continuing with the visa application for him now.
  • TomTomTom The homophobic comments are awful but it's exactly what everyone else in his community thinks too. It takes an exceptional person to recognise the faults in their own culture from within and without any external help. He isn't especially educated and most of the media he has access to is in Arabic and doesn't do much to challenge the views he was raised with. He did start to change his opinions after we talked about it. I was already able to see that the way men treat women in his culture is wrong, so he isn't entirely without empathy.
  • I think the phone really is broken. It was pretty broken when I was there and it randomly cuts out sometimes during calls. That doesn't explain why he needs a super expensive replacement though.
  • Maybe it is cazily naive but I believe that he does actually like me.
OP posts:
Tomtontom · 15/03/2019 16:23

Maybe it is cazily naive but I believe that he does actually like me.

The second bit might well be true, the first bit definitely is.

HollowTalk · 15/03/2019 16:30

Come on, you're starting to sound like one of those middle-aged women who have an affair in Forrinland with someone half their age. You're being ridiculous! You had a nice fling (hope you've been tested) and that's it. Don't ring this bloke again, even to dump him. Honestly, one day you'll laugh at how you were taken in.

over50andfab · 15/03/2019 16:33

OP I’m sorry but tbh to the less trusting person everything you write reads like he is playing you.

I don’t doubt he does like you, but regardless of the rest of it keep in mind that you had already decided that you were going to finish things, so perhaps just proceed with that - of course remembering everything said on here. Will he just accept it or ask for at least a “leaving present”? Hmm

LordNibbler · 15/03/2019 16:34

He "gets" feminism, but not quite enough to stop him asking you for £400. I mean really...£400? If he was really sincere about you he'd ask for just enough for a cheap phone to be able to stay in touch, and then offer to pay you back. Maybe he's not quite as enlightened as you'd hoped. For God's sake don't send him any money at all. Keep the nice memories of the time you spent together and move onto the next chapter in your life. Good luck.