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Original poster

How should I end this LDR?

55 replies

ChangeyNameyTime · 15/03/2019 15:13

I recently spent 6 months backpacking and I only stopped and settled in a new (foreign) city to start a new job in December. Whilst I was travelling I spent some time in Algeria where I briefly met a guy and we swapped numbers. We got to know each other by WhatsApp and I went back to stay with him in his village for a week before I came back to Europe. We message each other constantly and video call every day but we’ve only been together in real life for a week. We planned for me to go back at Easter and I have already started the process of getting him a Schengen visa so that he can visit me in the summer.

But, now I am more settled in my new life and starting to think about settling down, I am beginning to regret this relationship. When we have discussed where our relationship is going, he has asked me to move to his village in the Sahara because he does not want to leave. He is very reluctant to discuss even moving to a city in his country, never mind coming to Europe. My career is city-based and I could not work in his village even if I wanted to. We have a bit of a language barrier and a massive cultural barrier. He is a not-very-religious-Muslim but his family are religious. I am culturally Jewish but religiously atheist. I have a post-graduate degree in a technical field and he had to leave school before he finished high school. He “gets” feminism and he is very respectful of me and women in general but he has said awful things about LGBT people which offends me. I have been thinking about what I want and we’ve had a couple of serious conversations without really making any progress. I really like him but I think it’s time to break up because we want such different things and do not have a future together.

Then his phone broke. I now have no way of speaking directly to him to actually break up. He has contacted me via a friend to ask me to send him money for a new phone. I said I would and asked how much he would need. Several hours later I got a garbled message via his friend which said something like “if she asks how much, tell her I need a good phone, around €400”. I’ve not felt like he sees me as a cash machine before so this request has really upset me. It makes me more sure I’m doing the right thing in breaking up with him, but I don’t know how. Should I buy him the phone and then break up with him? Send him less money for a cheaper phone and then break up with him? Break up via his friend? I still like him and I want to do this in the least horrible way possible. I feel guilty especially as I don't think he is expecting this at all.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/03/2019 16:35

He likes you purely and simply because he can potentially get stuff like an expensive iphone from you (because all western women to their minds are wealthy).

You have acted naively throughout and have been far too trusting of him even going so far as to try and arrange a tourist visa for him. Learn from this experience and do not allow yourself to get so caught out again.

Stormyday · 15/03/2019 16:38

What did he do for money before you came along?

MashedSpud · 15/03/2019 16:41

He probably says the same thing to many other women. Nice little earner that - €400 per woman.

Musti · 15/03/2019 16:58

Thankfully you've realised before putting yourself in a difficult position. I presume you know his address so I would just write a letter ending it (saying that it could never work because he doesn't want to move and you don't want to live in a village, you're culturally very different with very different views which would become even more difficult as time went on and his views are offensive and unacceptable to you).

SurgeHopper · 15/03/2019 17:16

I now have no way of speaking directly to him to actually break up.

^

Can you imagine a guy ever saying this?

Ffs

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/03/2019 17:18

Should I buy him the phone and then break up with him?

Fuck, no!!!! Just stop answering.

HollowTalk · 15/03/2019 17:37

I just can't understand why his need of a phone (even if it's real) should equal you having to pay for it

Given you're only planning to buy it in order to dump him, can't you see that's ridiculous?

Catalicious · 15/03/2019 17:54

All people who have been romantically scammed truly believed it was for real. I know it's hard, but we are unanimously saying he isn't legit. Please don't give him another thought - and if he is genuine, he'll find a way to be in touch with you anyway.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 15/03/2019 22:57

You've only had a week together in real life, a holiday fling. Now he wants €400 for a phone from you! No way! Don't be a mug. You owe him nothing. Block and delete his number and his friend's number too. Move on and be grateful you got out before he sucked any money out of you.

Iflyaway · 15/03/2019 23:17

I have already started the process of getting him a Schengen visa so that he can visit me in the summer.

O.K. Stop that right now.....

He won't get it and you will be left out of pocket.

Unless he has a French passport.

Are you in UK? Schengen is not.

He's from a very small, supportive nomadic village and he doesn't want to leave his family.

Tells you all you need to know. Just go visit him next time and enjoy the culture.

You sound naive.

The Brits can't even decide whether to leave the EU at this moment in time. UK and EU is overwhelmed what to do with the IS fall-out of women and children in the camps in Iraq/Syria....

etc.

I'd suggest getting in touch with your inner woman warrior and take control of your own future. THEN you can go back and make a difference to a better world, wherever it finds you.

All the best.

P.s. He's using you. They all do. It's their only way out.

Iflyaway · 15/03/2019 23:20

I presume you know his address

LOL.

Nomadic villages in the Sahara don't have "an address"...

All done by the stars in the desert. :-)

Maybe by camel, if it arrives.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 15/03/2019 23:32

Send him a message via his friend. My prediction is that he will somehow find the money for a new phone when he realises you are getting away, and he may even try to guilt trip you into paying for the phone (claiming he only bought it because he was worried about you, desperate to speak to you, etc).

Or maybe we've all read him wrong, and he really is on the level. In which case, he wont be angry with you for ending it - he must realise this was never going to work out.

Iflyaway · 15/03/2019 23:46

he has asked me to move to his village in the Sahara because he does not want to leave

And you never will leave it either if you are fool enough to do that.

Believe me, I know.

have you followed any of the news in the last years to see what is happening to women who were foolish enough to go to Iraq/Syria?!

There is still IS going on in Libya/Mali etc.

Get educated before marrying a muslim man in or from the desert.

Better still, get educated before marrying anyone!! :-)

cosmomartini · 16/03/2019 01:13

He is a con artist 100%. Send a message through the friend explaining the relationship is over & goodbye

pearldeodorant · 16/03/2019 01:24

Please please be careful OP. You sound lovely but far too trusting and this sounds so much like a scam. Tell him via his friend and walk away pronto. Don't look back, you deserve so much more.

Good luck with your new jobSmile

HollowTalk · 16/03/2019 10:38

I don't know whether I'd even tell his friend. I'd just block them. He won't let go easily, OP, so you will have to be strong.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 17/03/2019 00:13

Do not buy this con artist man a phone!!!!!

This sounds like a total scam

pissedonatrain · 17/03/2019 04:36

He is 100% scamming you. £400 is around half a months wages there.
He is a stranger and is just telling you what you want to hear. I guarantee he is very much influenced by his culture. You are a walking ATM to him.

You've been together in real life for what, a week or two? He is still a stranger no matter how much you have chatted, skyped.

My idiot stbxh left me for some SEA scammer who he has never actually met. Don't be a fool.

memaymamo · 17/03/2019 06:49

Red flags! Red flags as far as the eye can see!!

Do not send him a cent, and change your number.

Thatnovembernight · 17/03/2019 07:08

I would send a text to his friend to end it. I would not just leave it and block it as in his mind it won’t be over and he’ll keep trying to find ways to contact you. I’d say something about having had a great time getting to know him but how you’d each want live in future isn’t compatible etc. Wish him the best and goodbye. And a definite no to paying for phone 😊

SnapesGreasyHair · 17/03/2019 07:27

Good Grief OP! Are you really that gullible!!

Ellisandra · 17/03/2019 08:25

I would message him saying that you really want this to work, so it needs to be a decent smartphone as you need video calls to keep the love alive.

But you can’t afford the best, only €300. So if he can send you €100, you’ll put in the rest and post the phone to him (collection address).

Scam the fucker back Grin

Or, more sensibly, just ghost this one. You’re totally being scammed.

GaraMedouar · 17/03/2019 08:29

Oh my goodness OP. Just block him and move on.

Hanab · 17/03/2019 08:36

You know you are being used/scammed. What his views and religious background is, is totally irrelevant.
You want to move on so do it. No need for anything else. Ghost him🤷🏻‍♀️
How difficult can it be to change your number. Surely you wont see or meet him again? Stop making it more complicated than it is ..

SnapesGreasyHair · 17/03/2019 08:42

And also, you haven't had a "relationship"... you spent one week together and that's it!!.

Have you not had many proper relationships which would show this for what it is?

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