Is it me or not?

[Daffodil1985]

Hi guys I have been a passive lurker for years but I have never posted before. So basically I am looking for objective opinion. Am I being unreasonable or not?

I have been with my partner for over 10 years . I am early 30s he is 7 year older. We have met when I was 23 young etc. By then he was established with good money and a big house house (which he has paid off by now). After 2.5 years together we have planned a child who is now 7. We has proposed when I was expecting but there was never rush into getting married. In fact he has always felt uncomfortable talking about it and always gives out reasons like let's have another child first as he doesn't believe I want another child, that I am not nice to him blah blah blah. In fact I think is about £££ .

When DS was born I have only gone back to work 1 day a week for a first few years as we could afford it . At the time I though it was a good deal as I thought we were a family. I looked after child and ensured everything runs smoothly, put my career on hold. He was self employed so worked 6-7 days a week, I have sometimes helped out with the business but he is now saying that everything he has worked is his and if we ever to get married everything up to then belongs to him. He has always paid all the bills (quite a bit) but I do all cooking and cleaning and all the childcare up to when child was 5. Then I got pissed few years ago. I have realised that money is rubbed off in my face that I am living in his house and Iwhen we argue I am called a scrounger??

So I went back to uni, went back to work and working 4 days a week last few years . DS is thriving at school but yet again it is my who is doing school drop off and club pick up (and my partner's mum 3 days a week does school pick ups) . Apparently I am not pulling my weight financially . I am saving about £900 each month as I can see that things are not looking good between us

At the moment I am buying grocery and stuff for DC , my fuel, clubs etc. He says I have it so easy as I do not have to pay the bills but I am saying why doesn't he sell his house and we buy sth together that I want to have sth of my own etc (he will never put me on deeds) . Am I being unreasonable wanting to have security at the age of 33 and to be on deeds or part own house with someone house I will contribute into? You don't think this is unreasonable do you?

He is also saying that if we were ever to split up he won't be paying child maintenance as he wants equal custody . So I said how am I supposed to cope then? So he says it is now my time to get established financially. Apparently it was my time too when DS was born and partner said that he will never want his child to go to nursery (so he didn't ) so I stayed at home and worked 1 day a week (mutual decision. I know how silly when you are unmarried). I have smelled the coffeee pretty quickly though! .

While I worked at home he kept up making more and more £££ , I used to think it was family money but I am no longer that stupid

What do you think? Crap isn't ? I gave him engagement ring back a few months ago as I said I don't fancy being engaged for longer than 8 years so he can give it back to me when he takes ir seriously

Cheeky bastard! You put your career and earnings on hold for HIS CHILD!!

I’m speechless

It sounds as though you've realised what a vulnerable position you're in financially and he sounds vile to be honest.

Could you get some legal advice? Lots of places do a free half-hour.

I'm sure someone will be along who's been in this position, but if I were you, I'd keep saving up then just move onwards and upwards.

He has been financially abusing you OP, and left you in a very vulnerable position intentionally, so it's good that you've taken steps to make things better for yourself if it comes to splitting. I say if but I don't see how you can stay with such a nasty man, he sounds utterly horrid. How long would it take you to save what you need to leave and start up on your own? I'd probably try to stick around until I'd done that in your position, unless you have family you can stay with?

Its more than just crap sadly, he is abusive.

Do not let your son grow up thinking his dad's treatment of you as his mother is normal because it is not.

He planned this all along really and targeted you when you were 23.
He is at the very least financially abusive and I daresay he is abusive towards you in other ways too. Its all his isn't it (I would also think the child has his surname), you're nothing more to him that his personal slave and house elf. Your contributions are simply not recognised and never will be recognised by him. He does not want to share anything; a mortgage, title deeds, a marriage with you because he is a supremely selfish individual. My guess too is that one or even worse both his parents act the self same as he does.

Speak to both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women here,
I would plan your exit from this relationship asap and live a life free of him. Its also not down to him to decide that he won't be paying maintenance either. That also shows how little he actually cares about his son too; you're both bit part players with him being at the centre of his universe.

Poor you :( Partners are meant to be a team and should be able to get on the same page by talking, empathising and of course finding a compromise.

Even the specific issue aside, you don't sound very happy - try to remember that you don't need permission / a catastrophic reason to break up.

An honest conversation should help you progress through tough times as a team. If this isn't possible it's worth thinking about whether it's a healthy relationship for you - you don't want to be sad forever :(

I know I was so naive. . I am at work at the moment and for the last months I can't stop thinkg about it every day what a position I got myself into. Luckily his mum has offered to do 3 after school runs a week a few years ago when DS started school so he could adjust to school life and after that he started breakfast club and some after school care. It is much easier now as DS is in year 3 and happy and confident . Partner said he is paying bills so he couldn't have done school runs . I said in that case if my contribution was home etc how am I not pulling my weight ? He called me a gold digger lately as he does not like when I talk about £$

There was time/still is when he kept on talking about 2nd child (I grew up and said no way before marriage) so he said ok let's get married but then have a 2nd child straight away. So I said no, first I am going to be a married woman for a bit and maybe eventually have a child out of love . He says he does not believe me I will have a child after marriage so why don't we start trying now ?! lol

Yes I put my career (not big bucks) , pension , earning potential on hold (never again) thinking that we were a family but over the years it has become toxic because I can see his way of thinking . He says I sound like a gold digger ? Do I?

He says I am lucky to be in a relationship when I don't need to pay bills and have so much of my salary to myself ( but only last few years as I was working 1 day a week for almost 4-5 years when DS was at home) and if I was living with someone or in rented accommodation) it would eat up my wages so apparently I am getting a good deal.

He is a good dad and good faithful caring partner apart from the £££ topic . Then shit hits the fan ..

Partner keeps on saying to our DS that is Mummy's fault he hasn''t got a sibling as she does not want more kids. Bastard. I keep on saying I might but first we get married. It goes in circles

That is my plan keep on saving saving saving and see what can be done. Its a bit crap as I used to thingk he was the love of my life and he says I am the love of his life ha

I knwo his parents are not relevant here but ther are pretty much the same my money your money , husband's car, 1950 womena stays at home and man takes care of finances. Altight alright but when you are not married then this becomes irrelavant plus sshe was surprised why was I bothering going back to work as we have ££. Well her son had it by the look of it. I thingk his parent are thinking I am a bit gold digger too as he had a big house etc and I have moved

I think in eyes of the law I ahve no rights so I just need to save as I haven't contributed to mortageg payments etc. (well I was looking after child) but you live and learn

I am still young (well 33) and attractive (not Miss World by any means :) so world might be my oyster still. I am gald that I have realised now other than a few years ago that things are not looking good

Thanks guys :) I kept on reading posts similar to mine and never thought in million years I would end up like that . I have about £20k so I am enough for a flat deposit but need more I am thinking more like £30-£40k.

Yes DS has his surname (if I could have changed time I would give him my surname)

My family lives far away but they won't understand . They think he is amazing and I am lucky to drive a nice car (invoiced in his name) , have designer handbags, holidays and all that crap, that I do not need to pay the bills. (I want to pay bills but I want them in my name too)

I am not happy as it seems I can't trust they guy I have been for over 10 years with. I look at other people , both names on deeds, shared housework, cooking) and I think this is shit. It is not my fault that we have meet at different stages in life

I have been really mean to partnerlast few years rather toxic ( I am not an angel) as it grew and grew inside my all the anger about this situation

Yes I could have stayed unmarried but why would he tell our DS that it is my fault that he does not have a sibling (as DS complains that all his class mates have siblings)

I have treis honest conversation but he said I sound like a gold digger. Do I?

I think it is thanks to Mumsnet that I have realised a few years ago that I am not in a very good position as there were so many posts similar to mine .Thank you :)

Why do his parents think you're a gold digger when you went back to uni, qualified and now work? Bonkers.

He is also saying that if we were ever to split up he won't be paying child maintenance as he wants equal custody

And yet also:

Partner said he is paying bills so he couldn't have done school runs

So he can't do 50/50 then...?

You need legal advice, @Daffodil, not just about the finances but about custody rights etc.

I have treis honest conversation but he said I sound like a gold digger. Do I?

No, you sound like someone who has been financially abused for many years but a controlling shitbag who knew exactly what he was doing.

*by not but

Could he actually have DS 50:50? Or is that just hot air? If not he’d have to pay you maintenance.

He’s been totally devious and manipulative, he’s allowed and encouraged you to become dependant on him and now he’s taking advantage.

How do you feel about staying with him? I think I’d want to cut my losses and get out of there ASAP!

I think his parents think I am a gold digger bacause at the time we met I was young & living in a house share with a friend and after relationship progressed after about a year I have moved in in his massive house etc etc . Then we had a child (planned although it was his idea to start with but I love my son obviosuly and glad I had him :). His mum does not talk about money as womans place is with kids by the look of it. She is 73 mind :) :) :)

Ref legal advice it is on the cards but at the moment I am saving £££ but in terms of house etc it is all his. Mone mine mine. Game well playes isn't

He sounds vile op. You say he’s a good dad, a good dad wouldn’t financially abuse the mother of his children or say things like ‘you’re an only child because your mum doesn’t want you to have a sibling’ wrong wrong and wrong!

If he genuinely loved and cared for you, he’d never in a million years want to see you in a financially vulnerable position. He’d encourage you to study and go back to work, he’d make you a part of the business and make provisions for you in the event you split up or he died! If he lived and cared for you he certainly wouldn’t ever rub his financial position in your face or leave you vulnerable

In your position now I’d save, save and save!

There’s no way he’d have the dc 50/50, he can’t now due to work, why does he think he would if you split. It’s an age old tactic to stop you leaving .

Please do not write the good dad comment again of him, why did you write this at all of him????. Women in poor relationships write that when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man. As is the case here. You are not a gold digger at all; he is and he only cares about his own self and money. He currently has you trapped, coerced and controlled with no voice in his house. Thought his son has his surname as well, he has used you as a house elf, slave and brood mare. Having a second child by him (and with his surname) would simply further trap you.

So no he is not a good dad nor any sort of a partner to you if he is treating you, the mother of his child, like this.

Thought his parents acted the same; they are a red flag too. He knew what he was doing when he met you and actively targeted you accordingly. He knew what he was doing here from the get go; this was all carefully mapped out.

Plan your exit from this abusive man and this rotten relationship asap. If there is no trust either there is no relationship.

Yes he could have had DS 50/50 as he is self employed and is downsizing the business plus DS is at school all week . It is easy childcare wise now. He could have not had DS 50/50 before as he wasn't at school so childcare at home was required. Plus he has his parents ready for school pick ups (he is the only child , apple of his mum eyes).
His mum iron his shirt still.....

Ref staying with him .. I though I loved him but I have realised they this is finacial abuse and I think it is awful how I have been trapped without assets . It is making me more angry every year as I tell him it is finnacial abuse and he says I am lucky to have all the things I do.. ha

Saving as well takes time and that is something that is not in abundant supply here. In the meantime you will continue to be downtrodden by him and that is a relationship lesson you do not want to be teaching your son either. Would you want your son to grow up treating his wife or partner like this, no you would not want that.

Your man will in all likelihood make every stage of you separating from him as long, painful and protracted as possible to punish you for having the utter gall in his eyes of actually leaving him. But this does not mean that you should not leave, the freedom from him will be worth it. He will continue to be an utter piece of crap post separation as well, you will certainly need to formalise any and all contact arrangements with his son through the court process.

I know you guys are right ref financial abuse that is why I have posted it for advise. When I was 20 I would have never though in a million years that I could get trapped like this. I am not happy talking to people around me about it as they think I am somehow lucky . I used to think that to up to when I hit my 30

I hope 33 is the begginning, not the end and still young enough to get my act together

Do not tell him this is financial abuse, its a waste of time explaining to him. He will never listen to you or treat you as any sort of equal here because he knows he is abusive towards you and does not give a shit. Therefore this relationship is well and truly at an end.

He just wanted someone young and naïve to carry on where mummy left off. He saw something within you at that time he can and has indeed exploited for his own ends.

And his mother irons his shirts for him still, why am I not surprised to read that?. He hates her too, such men hate women and all of them.

Just to add one more comments to the mix is when I decided enough was enough and upped my hours at work a few years ago he said why am I going back to work, he wanted a bigger family blah blah blah. What do I need money for as I have him ha. His house his rules . I am reading this and I know it is ridiculous. His time is up

He will not change, you can only change how you react to him.

Your only real option here going forward is to leave with your son and plan your exit from this with care and due diligence. Do consider talking to the Rights of Women and Womens Aid organisations, they both can and will help you here.

Plus I must add he is making me look bad this morning as son was late for school as he had to print sth and I have swore really loud as I was in a rush (not proud of it) as i was going to be late for work. So I said to him If it is my time financially now why don't you go to fucking work late for once other than me. He says he has bills to pay over my had and I am disgusting for swearing like that in front of DS.

I think you need to be very careful about things like this now that you know you're heading for a split. He sounds like the type to play dirty and will say things like "She swears in front of DS' if it comes to a custody hearing.

I know it's hard, but hold your tongue (you have a plan now, keep hold of it until you've saved enough although to be honest I think £20k sounds like enough to get your started.)

If you don't think you can hold in the resentment, you may need to leave sooner. Your DS doesn't need to be caught in the middle of this.

Not being a shit father and not cheating on should be the absolute minimum bar you ever set for someone you are to spend the rest of your life with.

Plenty of separated and divorced dads are continue to (yes often after a confusing and shaky time of getting to know everyone's new 'normal') be kind to the people involved and not make them feel shit.

I really wish women would stop being grateful for their partner coparenting and not fucking someone else - these are not plus points they are the minimum expectations of a healthy relationship!!

Also as someone wisely said to me - love ain't always enough.

Love. Ain't. Always. Enough.

Love supported by teamwork and mutual respect, shared laughter and values can of course be enough, but love without these elements and many more just doesn't equate to a healthy relationship in real life.

Take it in and see how you feel about that sentiment. It impacted on me hugely, personally

Hope things improve for you soon

Is your city the place you want to live? Would it be better for you to move to where your family lives? Would you have support there?

He has put you in a bad position and your justifiable resentment jumps from the screen.