Is it me or not?

[Daffodil1985]

Hi guys I have been a passive lurker for years but I have never posted before. So basically I am looking for objective opinion. Am I being unreasonable or not?

I have been with my partner for over 10 years . I am early 30s he is 7 year older. We have met when I was 23 young etc. By then he was established with good money and a big house house (which he has paid off by now). After 2.5 years together we have planned a child who is now 7. We has proposed when I was expecting but there was never rush into getting married. In fact he has always felt uncomfortable talking about it and always gives out reasons like let's have another child first as he doesn't believe I want another child, that I am not nice to him blah blah blah. In fact I think is about £££ .

When DS was born I have only gone back to work 1 day a week for a first few years as we could afford it . At the time I though it was a good deal as I thought we were a family. I looked after child and ensured everything runs smoothly, put my career on hold. He was self employed so worked 6-7 days a week, I have sometimes helped out with the business but he is now saying that everything he has worked is his and if we ever to get married everything up to then belongs to him. He has always paid all the bills (quite a bit) but I do all cooking and cleaning and all the childcare up to when child was 5. Then I got pissed few years ago. I have realised that money is rubbed off in my face that I am living in his house and Iwhen we argue I am called a scrounger??

So I went back to uni, went back to work and working 4 days a week last few years . DS is thriving at school but yet again it is my who is doing school drop off and club pick up (and my partner's mum 3 days a week does school pick ups) . Apparently I am not pulling my weight financially . I am saving about £900 each month as I can see that things are not looking good between us

At the moment I am buying grocery and stuff for DC , my fuel, clubs etc. He says I have it so easy as I do not have to pay the bills but I am saying why doesn't he sell his house and we buy sth together that I want to have sth of my own etc (he will never put me on deeds) . Am I being unreasonable wanting to have security at the age of 33 and to be on deeds or part own house with someone house I will contribute into? You don't think this is unreasonable do you?

He is also saying that if we were ever to split up he won't be paying child maintenance as he wants equal custody . So I said how am I supposed to cope then? So he says it is now my time to get established financially. Apparently it was my time too when DS was born and partner said that he will never want his child to go to nursery (so he didn't ) so I stayed at home and worked 1 day a week (mutual decision. I know how silly when you are unmarried). I have smelled the coffeee pretty quickly though! .

While I worked at home he kept up making more and more £££ , I used to think it was family money but I am no longer that stupid

What do you think? Crap isn't ? I gave him engagement ring back a few months ago as I said I don't fancy being engaged for longer than 8 years so he can give it back to me when he takes ir seriously

He does not value your contribution to the family. He doesn't even see you as a family. He values only money.
Why does he want you to have another child so much? It seems to me like he believes it will increase your dependence on him. He likes you being dependent on him, so he can be mean to you.
You are vulnerable financially because you're not married - but with 20k in the bank, I'd be right out of there.
He may or may not go for 50:50 custody. I doubt it though. He will probably threaten it in an attempt to keep some power over you- but if he thinks for a moment, he will realise it will require too many sacrifices in his own selfish lifestyle.
Exit honestly but without drama- maintain a civil co-parenting relationship. Tell him you can't live with someone who does not value you or your contribution.

Please go see the best, most aggressive solicitor who specialises in family law that you can.

None of this has been accidental. He has planned everything to be on his terms and has probably also hidden assets.

Go find out what your rights are so when you leave you can cement primary custody and support BEFORE he can block you off.

This is not a man who loves and respects you. He may have in the beginning but the man he is now is your enemy and you have to protect yourself before you gets it all - including full custody!

Partner keeps on saying to our DS that is Mummy's fault he hasn''t got a sibling as she does not want more kids

What an absolute fucking cuntnugget.

This man isn't a good dad. You will need to teach your son emotional resilience if he's going to have contact.

Re: maintenance. You said he runs his own business. A common trick for self employed bastards who don't give a shit about their kids is to pay themselves minimum wage, so they get to pay the least amount of maintenance. Then they take the profits as dividends, which aren't counted as income by CMS. So a 50/50 shared custody would probably work best for you. Reduces your childcare bills and leaves you plenty of free time to continue your studies or pick up some extra work or chill out with friends or date better men than him!

Go seek legal advice. He is using money to keep you in line. where as before you were in it for the family his comments went over your head now you see him for who he is.
I don't think he will want 50/50 as it will impact him it's a threat just like the threat he says regarding you being left with nothing. Do not let this disgusting excuse for a human continue to treat you this way. You dont want your child thinking its ok to treat people this way. Good luck.

Keep saving OP and all those designer bags can be sold to add to your savings.

Yes I have started flogging designer stuff on ebay for the last few months. THB all of it I bought myself as my outgoings were so small so I have treated myself thinking I had it easy.

Anyway my ways of thinking has changed.

I used to love him. I think final straw was when he said to DS that is my fault he has no siblings . I thinks that is f*g horrible.

Yes he gets paid with dividends so he can cook his books. Yes I am leaning towards 50/50 as I think that might work best for DS as they have good relationship and it will work for my as I want to study further etc .

I have just told him (again) he abuses me financially and he said I am taking a piss as I have it so easy and many women would like a life like me?! I know....

I might get £20k out of him (no more) so this with my money might be a good start

I am reading my posts and I can't believe I have sleeped walked into it. I am reliving the past when I was stuck at home with a baby doing all the chores and he was building business and now says it is all his

I hope it is not too late for me .

Thanks guys all the comments is just what I needed to ensure that I am not dramatising

And I can't rely on my family to move in with as they would never understand why I left him in first place so I will stay local and my job is here .

Yes it is resentment that have build over last few years when I have realised it is all about £. That even if we have miraculously got married he wants all assets his up to cut off wedding date :) It does not matter I have looked after DS, family, cooked cleaned etc . I must add I wanted to work when son was born but childcare is so expensive and he said he is not paying £££ and leaving DS with strangers. So in my defence I never wanted to things to go that way. I went ahead with it not planning ahead

So I was working day a week just to keep head above water and on the ladder and out of the house . But even then his business always came first. Once I turned up to work and had to drive 30 mins back home straight after when his mum fell sick when looking after DS. He could have stayed at home this once as his business is very local to home

If you are managing to save money you will be fine.

I left an abusive marriage at 35. I am 37 now, have my own house, due to my own savings and own.

Whether he goes for 50:50 is something you wont know until the time. But if you are managing to save £900 per month, you can afford to live without cms. He is self employed so I am betting you wont see much anyway.

Keep saving and leave him. Yes you were naive. But you can correct this.

Although, FWIW, I wouldn't marry again. Because I have my own house and assets. I wont share financials again. But then I wouldn't encourage dp to give up work.

You will be fine.

I have a friend who was married, and her husband was always money obsessed. He used it as a means to control people. Fed up with him over a number of things, my friend threw her husband out. She told him he would have his money, which he loved so my much, so he would find someone, but he will never have a family. He started living with a woman soon after, but what she said was true. His children, by then adults, didn’t tolerate his manipulation of them with his money, and my friend was barely tolerant of him each time he came by, which was often, as he understood what he lost.

Your partner sounds similar. He is perhaps even worse, as he wants you to be completely reliant on him economically, but solely on his terms. Your dreams and goals are irrelevant. Good for you for breaking free. It’s better to do while you are young enough to have a career.

Wishing you the best.

get your own place