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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Beer and takeaways

35 replies

user1471550348 · 14/03/2019 21:01

Every night, and I mean every night my husband goes upstairs to our spare room where his computer is and drinks 6 to 8 cans of beer then orders a takeaway which he eats about 10 - 10.30pm.
We have rowed, I have been calm and explained how unhealthy this is but still he carries on. Sometimes he tries to placate me by saying he will stop but mostly he tries to justify it by creating some misdemeanour I am supposed to have done.
It's been 5 years of this. I am lonely, I am anxious. I would like to show him your responses to this post.
Please note, I am not in a position to leave for various reasons although there are no children involved except his teenage daughter who stays EOW.
Please could I have your thoughts on whether his lifestyle would be acceptable to you and how you would react if you were me.
Sorry that was long. Thanks for reading if you got to the end.

OP posts:

Parky04 · 14/03/2019 21:06

You already know the answer.

category12 · 14/03/2019 21:06

Well you don't really need to leave, do you? You can just do what you like in the rest of the house while he drinks in the spare room. Move him out of the shared bedroom into the spare altogether and get about living your own life.

Showing him answers to this post will have naff all effect.

What are the reasons you can't leave?

Ovendoor · 14/03/2019 21:09

That is massively excessive.
If the impact on his health isn't important to him, are you able to out away the equivalent cost to show him how much he is spending?
That may shock him into doing something.

Ovendoor · 14/03/2019 21:09

*put away

Honeybee79 · 14/03/2019 21:21

Of course his behaviour is unacceptable. He must be destroying his health. He might be an alcoholic.

Why doesn't he want the 2 of you to share meals together?

Honeybee79 · 14/03/2019 21:22

Actually, what am I saying?! He probably is an alcoholic if he is drinking that much 7 days a week. I find the food thing even more puzzling tbh.

Original poster

user1471550348 · 14/03/2019 21:23

Thanks for your responses. I can't leave for financial reasons. I work but had to cut down my hours due to worsening health. My money is in the house and I'll be damned if he is going to take half of it (I know, I was naive when we purchased and didn't protect it).
When his takeaway arrives I am sent upstairs to my room so he can eat alone. Apparently my FIL always ate separately from MIL.

It seems he is addicted to his routine as he does have other addictive traits too. He can though, work a week of nights when needed without the need to drink although he has been known to bring takeaway home in the small hours.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1471550348 · 14/03/2019 21:25

The food thing is puzzling. He comes food shopping, will pay for it even, yet craves the takeaway. And bizarrely it's the same one every time.

OP posts:

Walkmehome · 14/03/2019 21:26

I wouldn’t like it but on the other hand it’s up to him.

Why don’t you find out about the financial situation legally as you are married and should be able to get your money out of the house somehow?

Gotthetshirt23 · 14/03/2019 21:26

Sent to your room ?
Are you a child ?

funnylittlefloozie · 14/03/2019 21:28

You are "sent to your room"?? Tell him to GTF and sit in the living room or wherever you want while he troughs his takeaway. Why do you think he has the power to "send you away"? Who cares what his parents did? It is your house and you should be able to sit wherever you want.

Do you cook and eat your own food?

Wolfiefan · 14/03/2019 21:28

You need to get in a position to leave.

Original poster

user1471550348 · 14/03/2019 21:29

Shirt, that's how I feel. I'm over 50! He doesn't like anyone watching him eating apparently.

OP posts:

funnylittlefloozie · 14/03/2019 21:30

Oh and the beer thing is crap. My ex-H used to drink this amount. It isnt attractive, he piled on the weight and it had a massive impact on our sex life, our finances and ultimately our marriage.

SuddenlyISee · 14/03/2019 21:31

What is he doing on his computer when he's drinking 6-8 cans of beer?

category12 · 14/03/2019 21:34

So your plan is what? Wait for him to die of cirrhosis of the liver so you get the whole house?

Original poster

user1471550348 · 14/03/2019 21:34

I do cook my own food. He gets shouty if I don't leave the room. Unfortunately he can shout louder than me. Things are never going to improve are they? And that's a goddamn shame because day times are great and I really mean that. But the night time routine will always be more important than me I guess. I feel like I'm married to two very different men.

OP posts:

Hohofortherobbers · 14/03/2019 21:36

The same food, the same routine, every night for 5 years? In all seriousness is he autistic?
Regardless of why he does this what do you get out of this marriage? When do you spend time together? When do you sleep together? If you're showing him the thread what is he going to think when he sees you haven't left because of finances? Sorry, so many questions

funnylittlefloozie · 14/03/2019 21:43

Change the wifi password and go out.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/03/2019 21:45

He drinks far far too much. If he's unable or unwilling to stop, he's an alcoholic.

A takeaway every night is very unhealthy. The same one every time is a bit strange but whatever.

He's absent from your relationship and treats you like a second class citizen. Not being able to eat is takeaway in front of you is fucking weird (and or controlling).

Sending you to your room (and shouting at you if you don't comply) is vile and abusive. He's nasty piece of work. If his weird eating must not be witnessed he can be the one to fuck off to another room to stuff his fat fucking face.

That's my very carefully considered opinion. I'm sorry you feel you can't leave. I hope you can see a time when you will.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2019 21:50

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You must be getting something out of it otherwise why stay at all with him?.

You may be over 50 but you are not that old or dead yet. And until you decide that finally enough is indeed enough for you, you will in all likelihood remain with him. I would also think that daytime with him is not great either because he is on a comedown then from alcohol (he is probably quieter as a result then).

You stay with this person for your own reasons and you still have a choice re this man.

There is no good reason to stay with your alcoholic abusive husband. The financial reasons are simply not good enough and as you are married to this person you have rights in law re the property and finances.

Original poster

user1471550348 · 14/03/2019 21:53

Thank you all for your input. I haven't shared this IRL so it's been helpful to get your thoughts. I have some serious thinking to do.

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 14/03/2019 21:56

how does he get up for work the next day. does he get hangovers. My dp is often in our spare room with the computer, but that's because it takes me until 11pm to get our 22mo to bed and he's always there when I need help with her. thankfully he is TT and we always eat as a family. I wouldn't be happy with all the money the beer costs.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2019 21:59

Abuse like you describe as well thrives on secrecy; start opening up to other more trusted people.

You certainly do have a lot of serious thinking to do. Do not get further stuck on the sunken costs fallacy. You've already spent 5 years with him, don't give him the next five too.

MashedSpud · 14/03/2019 21:59

Not wanting to be seen eating is a classic sign of an eating disorder. The beer alone is 1k plus calories and the takeaway is probably even more.
There’s a website that converts your booze intake into food, that put me off drinking.

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