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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was this domestic abuse??

27 replies

mummajuju90 · 14/03/2019 18:44

I met a man 6 months ago its a log story sorry if i drag on i really need advice. Ive been theough abuse before for 10 yeaue this really doesnt feel that way. No one else took me for dinner or treated the kids to days out or treated them to magazines on good behaviour. Etc. We went for dinner once a month got a weekend away atleast once a month my family adored him and the way he treated me i have fallen so hard for him. He wasnt afraid of house work would tell me u chill ill do dinner n tidy..he was good at it too 😂
Our sexlife was amazimg there was such a connection there both sides me myself have never felt it before he said he hasnr either but now here comes the complicated bit hes a alcoholic je wasnt doing what he was supposed to do to keep sober but now he peomises he will so he had a relapse nearlt 2 weeks ago. I did provoke and retaliate winding him up but he did turn around pin me by the throat on the bed but i did the same suprised i wasnt tbh.
He was arrested and being charged with common assult says hes never done it before and he doesnt blame me if i walk away he remembers nothing i will tell him it all in time but atm i domt want to risk another rreplap its so deadly for him. He isnt currently allowed near unless i drop it. I am so confused what to do. He saod can we do councilling together to try fix it i have agreed i need my answers too.
What do you guys all think abuse or could it be a one off and with work it may be able to be fixed??

OP posts:
AudTheDeepMinded · 14/03/2019 18:46

It's the start my lovely, walk away now before it (inevitably) escalates. Grabbing the throat is the biggest red flag there is with DV, you could have been killed. He is a danger to you.
I would also approach the police about Clare's Law, I doubt you are the first that he has assaulted.

mummajuju90 · 14/03/2019 18:49

I have asked his family this is the first theyve ever heard him do this before

OP posts:
newtlover · 14/03/2019 18:49

never mind him, a relapse would be deadly for you
there are plenty of alcoholics and heavy drinkers in the world and by no means do they all end up nearly killing their partners (don't kid yourself, you were in serious danger)
so for 6 months he has managed to appear normal, then he got drunk and the mask slipped. when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
you and your children deserve better than that

newtlover · 14/03/2019 18:50

yes, Claire's Law definitely and then try and find a Freedom Programme local to you

Jackshouse · 14/03/2019 18:51

Not only is it very serious domestic abuse it’s a marker that suggests he will go on to kill you if you continue with this relationship.

You really need to look at your boundaries as a partner of only 6 months should not be so involved in your family life.

mummajuju90 · 14/03/2019 18:52

He didnt squeeze my throat i ahould of stated that just held it. I already have a freedom programme. The replase was down to being stupid and not going to groups etc but had been clean 2 years before this

OP posts:
AudTheDeepMinded · 14/03/2019 19:01

He just 'held' your throat. Oh well, that's alright then (NOT). He is a danger, you deserve better.

AudTheDeepMinded · 14/03/2019 19:03

Also, his family's information is worth jackshit. It's unlikely he'll have told them 'by the way Mum, I knock women about'. And if they do know he will have minimised it and excused and they'll have believed him.

mummajuju90 · 14/03/2019 19:11

No his family qouldnt believe him they apprachedtrutto ask the truth ao im sure they would of in the past

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 14/03/2019 19:16

How will going to counselling together fix the fact that he’s a violent alcoholic? You didnt cause either his alcoholism or his violence.

What will happen to your kids if next time he kills you ? Will they be ok because he don’t remember a thing and after all it’s only the second time he did it ?

Run like the wind. I’d be saying the same if you were married and he was the father of your kids. Let alone a Bf of 6 months

BobTheDuvet · 14/03/2019 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummajuju90 · 14/03/2019 19:29

It really doesnt feel that way to me. I cant bare the thought of never seeing him im actually such a mess its never felt this way before

OP posts:
hiphopapotamuses · 14/03/2019 19:44

@mummajuju90 do you want to hear the answers to your question or are you looking for anonymous Internet forums users that he'll probably change and it's a one off?

The truth is it was domestic abuse. The thing with abusers is they can be so charming and perfect til they're not. But that's at your expense.

You say you've done the freedom programme, do you have any of the paperwork to go through again just to remind yourself of the profiles?
Putting his hands on your throat is a really serious red flag. You're lucky this time. You may not be quite so lucky next time. Please speak to the police under Clare's Law and please look at the freedom programme again.

newtlover · 14/03/2019 20:04

where did you do FP? was it local- you can usually just drop in- ring them and ask if you can, and do Claire's Law- you have nothing to lose from finding out if he has a history of DV, and a lot potentially to gain. Does he know you had a previous abusive relationship?

BobTheDuvet · 14/03/2019 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummajuju90 · 14/03/2019 20:18

He does know about my past yes. Amd fp was local i have refered myself again i start april. Does claires law have to be through police or could a freedom worker get it for me?

OP posts:
Ozziewozzie · 14/03/2019 20:43

This is going to be the last thing you want to hear but I'm going to say it as it needs saying, echoing by all of us on here.
He's an alcoholic who got so drunk he can't remember strangling you.

If this is the case, how can he assure you it won't happen again.

It's happened within a 6 mth relationship (supposedly the honeymoon period)

The fact that he held you by the throat is a massive red flag. Criminal psychologists view this as one of the most abusive ways to attack someone. It wasn't a brisk shove as he staggered past you.

Many abusers appear 'perfect' at the start of a relationship. Flowers, meals, gifts, incredibly attentive, many texts, calls, spending all their free time with you.

Once they've shown their true colours, they are always so desperately sorry. A decent chap would be do ashamed, and scared of his actions, he'd walk away from you and your children out of love and consideration and because he'd know he could never assure you he'd never do it again. Abusers always cling on to you. Making massive gestures, promises.

I would not have him back ever.

A decent guy would leave you and go away and get HIMSELF some anger management, therapy and alcohol treatment. Without you being the prize at the end.

He's an alcoholic for a reason ( no offence to alcoholics). But mostly the drinking stems from an emotional issue or trauma etc. If he'd done the courses and therapies he would know absolutely no alcohol, ( not, well I've done really well for 2 years so I can get hammered now).

socialistmamma · 14/03/2019 20:55

I'm usually a lurker rather than a poster but I had to post on this.

Please please please, do not go back to this man. My aunty was with an alcoholic who was great when he was sober, she loved him to bits but he started to smack her about when he was drunk. He wouldn't remember the next day and was so remorseful that she'd forgive him.

The last time he did it, he killed her. Stuffed her dead body in a cupboard and then went the pub. Yes, really.

He didn't remember doing it. Her daughter (my cousin) had just had a baby 4 weeks earlier. He never got to meet his nanny.

Please don't let your life turn out this way, you can't make him better and your kids don't deserve to lose their mum.

newtlover · 14/03/2019 21:00

OK, if he knew about your past that is even more concerning. Abusive men deliberately target women who have previously been in abusive relationships, as often women who have been abused are an easy target. As PPs have said, 6 months is nothing, but the cycle of abuse will get shorter and shorter. Right now he is trying to get you back, hence his apologies and promises to go to counselling. If you accept him back, he will be sweetness and light for a time, then he will start trying to control you again- very subtly at first, so you think 'oh well, it's nothing really/he's had his problems too/maybe I shouldn't have...' and before you know where you are you are walking on eggshells dreading the moment when he works himself up to hurting you.
Is that what you want for you and your kids? Put a stop to it now.

Honeybee79 · 14/03/2019 21:16

He's a violent alcoholic. Yes, this was abuse. Get out now.

GrumpyOldMare · 14/03/2019 22:12

I've been in your shoes.
It's not a one off. It might be the first time but it won't be the last either.

My ex husband was (probably still is) a violent alcoholic I've been strangled,pushed,punched,seen stars - literally (I always thought that was just a ''thing'' in comic strips,but it happens in real life too) and had more black eyes than I can count,cracked ribs. The last time it happened I saw stars and suffered cracked ribs and concussion.

He always cried and apologised after and said it wouldn't happen again.
It did.
More than once.

I tried to make it work.I tried to become the woman he wanted.(But that wasn't who I was) It didn't work.
I remember him telling me that ''he'd won because he'd broken me''. It was that night he hit me for the last time.

They don't change.

Run as fast as you can. As far away as you can.

You can't fix him or save the relationship.

mummajuju90 · 15/03/2019 00:47

I get all these messages i do it doesnt stop the hurt i understand everyone of them. He is an alcoholic he was 2 years sober i wpuldnt stay around if he was drinking god no but if he cleaned up again and properly i dont know at this point. I may see him and be scared and it go no furthgo but i really dont know.
Thank you all x

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 15/03/2019 06:13

I have asked his family this is the first theyve ever heard him do this before.

Why would you think that his family would know,? It might just be the first time someone had called the police but not the first time he’s attacked someone.

Shoxfordian · 15/03/2019 06:22

Don't see him again op, he's dangerous and violent.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 15/03/2019 06:31

OP think of all those family members on the news that say ‘he didn’t seem the type, he was always so nice’ after they’ve found out that said family member has killed someone, please just walk away OP if not for yourself but for the kids if there are any involved in this Flowers