Am I abusive or does he just want to divorce

[lavenderhedgehog]

Husband of many years keeps stating that I am abusive to him and if I don't stop it immediately he is leaving.

My head is in a mess because I thought that whilst I have been extremely unfair and probably hurtful to him the past couple years at times, I do not think I have been actually abusive.

I keep swinging between wondering if he is right and feeling awful, and then thinking hang on this is bad but not abusive.. so why is he saying this

I have a long term medical condition which affects my looks in a big way (think losing most of my hair, putting on weight), and I have been really down about this since it started 2 years ago. The reasons he says I am abusive is because I often push him away ie don't want to be intimate (because I just feel gross) , and I will say things to him like "you don't fancy me" - I don't say these things for fun or to hurt him, I genuinely believe no one could fancy me given how I look now. If he says he does then I don't call him a liar or anything, but it's pretty obvious I don't believe he could. He tells me that me continuing to 'accuse' him of not fancying me is abusive.

He really centres on the term 'abusive' in all of this, states I am abusing him almost every other sentence if we argue face to face or over text.

My question is, am I abusive??

Thank you looking at that, even though it feels weird as I was always the queen of negative self talk about everything even before this, but I will persevere and maybe ask the counsellor to help me with the techniques.

I'm not really sure why I've become so concerned about whether it is abuse or not. I suppose for a few different reasons.
One being that if it is actual abuse rather than 'simple' unfairness (although I know that's wrong as well), then it's more serious and I literally HAVE to have one last try at stopping or else leave the relationship so I cannot keep doing that damage to him. The difference between him being extremely aggrieved and worn down by it and actual destroying his life, ability to trust etc. The first os wrong but the second is dangerous.
Another reason being that - and please don't think I am saying this to try and shift blame for what I have been saying, that is entirely my fault - but he is not perfect himself as no one is, and he has in the past overblown things, for example when the first DC was a baby he had a stage of going out saying back at x time or whatever then staying out all night without being contactable. That all stopped years ago, but at the time he would constantly claim my upset and angry reactions to this were 'controlling'. I knew it wasn't. So I am not sure if his constantly using the term abuse is correct or not.

The thing is, I really don't know if I can help it. I know I need to stop saying these things to him, but I DO look like total crap, I have eyes in my head, and therefore I don't think I will be able to stop feeling inside that he doesn't fancy me much and is being kind, that he will leave me for someone normal eventually, feeling jealous of everyone he speaks to but hiding it. It's selfish, but I feel it may eat me up inside anyway. And even if I don't say it, it will spill out into the relationship in other ways

I don't say it to family, but I do feel the pitying and worrying from them and it hurts as well. I have actually stopped going to any family events other than visiting or meeting my immediate sisters and father.I just can't face going looking like that. I have a grandmother who is really old and ill and I haven't even felt able to visit her in 6 months because she lives in sheltered housing and there are 'other people' and other non-immediate family live there. I just hide away other than things I absolutely have to do (work, school runs, parent night). It's horrible . As for work, I really worry it will impact if I ever have to get another job. Some colleagues have made nasty comments, but they are the minority, most just don't say anything. You are right though that I don't tell them they must not want me, just my husband.

I meant I would feel like a fool for believing that he found me attractive, but later realising he didn't and was just saying that to feel kind.

I completely see the points about best and worst case, have thought these things before, but not as succinctly as that.

just saying that to BE kind

You don't have to believe that he finds you attractive. When I say to my bf that I find him attractive, he usually says something like "You're just biased!". Well, I am biased. When I look at him, I see that nice man that I like. So I don't focus on his balding head or awful teeth. I focus on his strong chin, manly chest and legs that look like they are sculpted out of marble. Another person looking would just see a fat balding guy with totally average legs - I know that, I'm not deluded - but you see what you want to see, don't you?

Come up with another response. You don't always just blurt out the first thing on your mind. You can manage to avoid saying "You don't fancy me". Have another comment or response prepared to replace the things he hates. So when you think "You don't fancy me" replace it with "I don't feel sexy". If he says "I find you sexy", say "That's sweet". Because that is a sweet thing to say, whether he means it or not. Maybe he is still getting used to your appearance, but he loves you and is saying that to be nice. Is that bad???

What part of you does potentially look attractive? Cleavage, curvy bum? Anything you would grudgingly admit is OK looking?

And also, we are assuming that the worst case scenario would be him leaving - is that even true? If he was a bit of an arse in the past I mean.

Keep up the counselling, but if it's not effective maybe also ask if they have any alternative types on offer. And speak to your GP about the intrusive thoughts you are having, maybe they need specific medical treatment.

Ok so you not wanting to be groped and manhandled is "abusive" is it.

He is a massive twat.

Yes I will try to say "I don't feel sexy" or "I don't feel attractive" or "I feel ugly compared to other women"

Honestly, I've always had really low self esteem and I also hate my stomach it's shockingly bad with all stretched out skin and marks, but at least I can cover that. I can grudgingly say though that whilst I don't have anything which could be classed as gorgeous or beautiful or particularly attractive, the rest of me is at least 'OK' - my bum is ok, my arms are fine, my boobs are ok for my age and having had Children, my eyes are small and too hooded but sparkly, my legs are ok, my hands are nice shaped but aged although that's normal. My nose?? I actually like my nose!! not too big or small and nice shaped..

Simple unfairness, constantly has the impact abuse does. It wears you down. Whether you class it as abuse.

If you have already had low self esteem, I suspect you have always had these thoughts. But now something is physically wrong with you, you feel it's ok to keep doing this.

8 bet your family dont pity you. I bet they are concerned because of the lupus and you being so low

That's a good thing. It means they love you.

It seems like he wants to have sex with you, you tell him he doesn't, he says he does, you try to force him to say you are ugly, he gets turned off (even Hugh Jackman going on I thought he was ugly would turn me off), therefore loses erection, you tell him he has ED and to go the doctor! I feel like it is slightly abusive? Obviously nothing on the major scale of abuse but it is wrong what you are doing and is probably affecting him mentally. I can't imagine what you are going through, changing appearance must be so so hard but try not to push your husband away, he seems to really love you and want you to change back to loving yourself and him

Ok, next time you get some pants, get yourself some stomach-supporting ones as they are amazing then put on clothes that accentuate your arms etc, reminding yourself that you have amazing arms.

And whenever you look in the mirror before you go out, look at your hair and hate yourself if you must, but afterwards, as an exercise, always look at your hands, arms, legs and finally nose, ending on your favourite bit. Apparently it's important to end with the most positive thing.

And think about saying mantras. I know it sounds all woo and new agey, but apparently they do have a measurable effect. Make something up specific to you. www.yogiapproved.com/om/positive-mantras-self/

Then also look into self help, e.g. alopecia groups. Free yoga/meditation groups.
And write a begging ad in the local online marketplace/newspaper asking if anyone can give you advice or free beauty help. Or a free wig!

I know my family feel sorry for me and my appearance, I can see it in their eyes. Mostly my father. But pity maybe not the best word. They worry about the lupus as well when I need to go into hospital.

Even when I've said nothing and been enthusiastic trying to let go etc, the ED is still there. I'm not just saying this, I really do believe it's his smoking, age and high blood pressure perhaps compounded by not being as attracted to me as he was. It's happened gradually as he ages. And I did not and have not ever even mentioned the ED nor have I told him to go to the doctor , he has once mentioned it after he went to the doctor.

Today he is saying he has had enough and wants me to never mention it ever again, and that I am shallow if I think of myself as lesser.

Thanks ravensmum, I will try all of that.

But again you think everyone thinks a certain way because you can tell by how they act.

But you are wrong with your husband and probably wrong with them. They are concerned because they love you.

You assume pity, because of how you feel about you

What's making him stay if he's so unhappy? Next time he says you are abusive and he's divorcing you, offer to fill in the divorce application online and give him somewhere to live.

Make him feel sorry for getting fed up with you by saying something really lovely to him and totally taking the wind out of his annoyed sails - à la "You're so understanding and want the best for me, I know!" with a huge hug.

(I was so evil as a teenager - if my mum yelled at me I'd buy her flowers, just to make her feel good and guilty!)

The last post seems manipulative to me. Which is really another form of abuse.

It's only intended to be disarming - and to get OP to be deliberately nice to her husband, which she seems not to have on her mind right now. I think that sometimes you have to decide to be nice to someone. Other opinions also available :)

(And I was exaggerating a little with the flowers for my mum; they were also meant to simply stop her being angry, I wasn't the actual spawn of Satan!)

Op, I know I can’t empathise with how you feel, especially with your hair, but I did put on a whole lot of weight during my husband and my relationship....I’m talking 5.5 stone. It altered my whole appearance and I felt ugly. The whole time my husband said I was gorgeous.
Now I’m slimming down I expected my husband to say that I look better, that he prefers me slimmer etc, but no, he just says he feels the same and that I’m beautiful.

I know you know this, but beauty is more about the person and less about the looks. As we age, we all lose our beauty in one way or another. I know it’s unfair you lost most of your hair. I think that’s the cruelty thing for a woman, BUT when you husband tells you he loves you, that he fancies you, he is talking about you and not your hair.

By telling him he can’t fancy you, you are pushing him away. What is he supposed to do? He’s begging you now, his threatening to leave is trying to scare you into accepting him, but you are so humiliated the situation you find yourself, you’ve fallen out of love with you, so how could anyone else want you? But they do.

You need help, counselling and you need to trust those who love you. Tell them about the wigs that you do like. If you were my daughter/ niece/ sister etc I’d be chipping in to make you few beautiful and worthy of someone fancying you again. In fact start a go fund me and I’ll donate straight away! A beautiful wig for a beautiful lady.

Try to find things to smile about, seeing someone smile is one of the most beautiful visions.

A lady in work has alopecia. She wears a cloth hat. She’s the same lady she’s always been and we’ve stopped noticing her situation. It’s normal. And her face is as beautiful as ever.

You and your husband deserve a chance. You hold the cards though by the sound of it.

Good luck op. I hope it works out for you!

Also my husband is 39 and has ED. Also my sister had cancer and I can assure you that whilst I felt sorry for her day 1, I didn’t pity her for weeks on end. She had to be strong. We all had to be strong.
What you’re seeing is the reflection of how you feel xxx