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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH emotional affair or am I overreacting

48 replies

LundyFastnet · 13/03/2019 10:23

Name changed but regular poster.

I am not sure what to do or think. I’ll try not to make it too long. So a few years ago DH took on a new team member at work. He manages a very small team in a female dominated industry. Because of this he has often had close female friends and I am not at all the jealous type so never bothered me. However, over the time they worked together, often just the two of them together, I did begin to think that he was pushing it a bit. They were often texting in the evenings and she bought him a few really thoughtful presents that I thought were a bit much for a colleague relationship. He never mentioned getting her anything for birthdays etc, he’s usually useless at that sort of thing.

She left the company and moved away a couple of years ago. He was a bit mopey but I thought that was because he really valued her at work and struggled to recruit someone as good.

Fast forward and something told me to check his phone last night. I have never ever done this before or even been tempted. I found that they have been messaging recently, and there is a what’s app history between going back to just after she left. Among many red flags, he asked her if she ever wore the jewellery he bought her and she said no, she couldn’t bring herself to. There was lots of how much they missed each other. The worst was it read like they’d had a falling out over her leaving and hadn’t talked for a while. She said that she hadn’t wanted to talk ‘because it was always all about ‘us’ and I couldn’t hack it’. She’s got a long term partner btw.

I feel sick. We’ve been married for almost 20 years, two teen DC. We’ve not had the most sublime relationship and have had some difficult patches but he has always been so so angry at the idea of people cheating that I can’t quite believe he would have done anything. I just don’t know whether to confront him or not. She lives far away now so it’s unlikely they would meet in person now, but one of his messages to her asked if they could meet for work purposes in the future. I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

goodolddaze · 13/03/2019 10:27

Sorry you’re going through this. It sounds horrible. Only you know your relationship but I’d want to have a conversation about that if it were me. It does sound like boundaries have been crossed. He’s done things he surely wouldn’t have told you about (and hasn’t), and I’d want him to know I know.

goodolddaze · 13/03/2019 10:28

Also, I think dragging it into the cold light of day might lift the mystique and drama it sounds like they’re creating around their ‘relationship’. He deserves to feel embarrassed IMO.

QueenofallIsee · 13/03/2019 10:32

I would confront him. If you don’t, it will eat you alive and damage your relationship - whatever has happened between them is your right to know, and your imagination would cook up worse than the reality I suspect.

Shoxfordian · 13/03/2019 10:36

Yeah he's definitely crossed some lines here. Buying her jewellery is a red flag. I think you should speak to him about it

Original poster

LundyFastnet · 13/03/2019 10:51

I just don’t know how to broach it. It’s going to end up in an almighty row one way or the other. I’ve taken pictures of some of the messages so I can keep them clear in my head because I know I will get upset. Another of his messages says ‘you mean too much to me for us not to talk’ and also ‘no-one can give me shoulder massages like you’.

OP posts:

Original poster

LundyFastnet · 13/03/2019 10:53

Also, I’ve noticed he was texting her on my birthday. Which means he was actually sitting in the same room as me, on my birthday, for which he bought me nothing, texting this woman.

OP posts:

mamato3lads · 13/03/2019 11:03

Holy shit, my heart is racing reading this and its not even my DH!!

Jewellery? Massages? Missing each other?

Are you serious?? I would hit the fucking roof over this. If he hasnt done anything sexual yet, he would given half the chance i strongly suspect. At the very least its a connection / relationship he clearly can't let go of. I'd have his balls, he is a married man for fucks sake. So sorry OP you must feel so low. Gather evidence and confront the fucker. Hugs

Cuttingthegrass · 13/03/2019 11:04

Oh Lundy. How horrible to read. In reality though can you really just ignore and carry on? Knowing that he’s bought her jewellery. He misses her massages. There’s 3 in your relationship.

So many the same. Spout off their moral stance about hating cheating but go on to do it. Deceitful and pathetic

How vile that he’s thinking about her and texting her because he’s ignoring and disrespecting his family when doing this.

Cuttingthegrass · 13/03/2019 11:06

JUst seen your update that he bought you nothing for your birthday and was texting her. So now you know how little you mean to him.

mamato3lads · 13/03/2019 11:07

And not getting you a birthday gift, but texts OW!? ! Shows where his thoughts were. I'd be gone if my DH pulled this shit, its an affair of the heart... I couldnt forgive it.

Original poster

LundyFastnet · 13/03/2019 11:14

I know the birthday thing sounds a bit pathetic, I’m not usually one to be bothered much about birthdays but it’s the fact that I have on several occasions mentioned how much I like the jewellery from a particular shop, but he’s never bought me any and had obviously gone out of his way for her.

I just think if I confront him he will turn it back on me because we’ve had issues with mismatched sex drives (mine has just gone down over the years, and it’s not enough for him). Although he tells me he loves me all the time, he can also be verbally cruel if he perceives I’m not being attentive enough to him. I’m not very good with arguments, I get upset and flustered.

OP posts:

Hanab · 13/03/2019 11:15

You know you have to confront him ..

You are not going to be at peace until you know everything 🌷

mamato3lads · 13/03/2019 11:37

Turn it back on you? Dont let him, the little shit.

He's married. His attention is not on his wife, its on another woman who he is in contact with. How that can be blamed on mismatched sex drives i do not know. If you're incompatible either work on it or go separate ways, he should not start with all the texting other women bullshit. I would actually divorce over this but thats just me. I couldnt forgive an affair, sexual, emotional whatever. No way. It would eat me alive. OP you must confront him. Ask him what the actual fuck he is thinking buying her jewellery and sending messages about missing her. All this leads to one thing - sex. I would not have it for a second. Dont get flustered with him, you have the evidence in your hand, give him hell.
Please let us know how you get on x

Original poster

LundyFastnet · 13/03/2019 11:44

Thanks for all your replies. I need to have a think about how to talk to him. I just wanted some reassurance that I wasn’t over thinking things.

OP posts:

fruitbrewhaha · 13/03/2019 11:50

I see a correlation between your relationship and sex life being not good and him mooning over this other women. Marriage is hard and you both need to work at it. How can he be, when he is doing what he is doing?

2019willbegreat · 13/03/2019 11:56

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP. I spent 20 plus years with by stbxh doing this sort of thing (also in a female dominated industry). He was in a 12 message text chain with one of his EAs on our wedding anniversary night out! I found out when I checked his mobile phone bill as i was getting suspicuous - this was before apps like Whatsapp which make it so much easier now. I let it go as I believed these women were out to "get my man" and he was just friendly. I now realise it was an ego boost for him and he encouraged this type of thing through "banter" and having weak boundaries. Please don't do what I did and hit the bottle only for him to leave me to make his latest EA physical (she is actually a former EA who came back into his life). I wish I'd left years ago when all this nonsence started.

fannycraddock72 · 13/03/2019 12:01

What fruitbrewhaha

And don’t blame yourself, there’s bound to be an impact on your relationship when he’s investing time in another woman.

Him turning things round on you is classic bullying, blame shifting behaviour. You admitted you don’t like arguments and get flustered, he probably already knows this and will try to manipulate and gas light you into thinking it’s all your fault or your making out you are insane.

Good luck OP

Wallywobbles · 13/03/2019 12:02

Could you message him (one of) the screenshots while you are in the room with him to see his reaction. That would open the conversation up, probably with a bit of a bang, but at least he'd be playing catch up and not you.

fannycraddock72 · 13/03/2019 12:03

what fruitbrewhaha* said

MsDogLady · 13/03/2019 13:33

Overthinking things? Absolutely not.

*“Us”
*Often texting at night
*Gifts from her
*Mopey when she left
*Has been messaging since she left, even on your birthday while in your presence
*No gifts for you
*Jewelry gifts for her
*I miss yous
*Shoulder massages
*He is pushing to see her

He has had an emotional affair and possibly more. Do not allow him to deny, minimize, or shift blame to you by accusing you of being silly, crazy, unreasonable, paranoid, etc.

He has been putting emotional distance between you. This is not your fault. If he had issues, he could have worked on them with you or left the marriage. This is about his weak boundaries and need for an illicit ego-boost.

I would confront and tell him to leave, at least for a while. He needs to experience a severe consequence and learn what losing you feels like.

user1479305498 · 13/03/2019 16:07

Oh cripes, horribly familiar. In my case I had suspicions at the time but had a 7 year old to think about and I sort of confronted but then let it 'just stop' and she moved away and got married. 11 years later found by accident a ton of songs/poems all written for this person (recorded too) Just as you are upset about the jewellery, I was bizzarley upset by the fact he has never written me a single song but here was some 21 year old bit of stuff having a whole drawerful written about her. My opinion is don't let it drift, I wish I had said more 11 years previously and checked phones etc, all I did was comment on the amount of texts on the bill and the amount he was 'popping around' to her house (she lived with parents) get right to the point now, just wait till you are on your own and say 'I looked at your phone today as had a bad feeling about your communication with xyz. Would you like to talk to me about what i found. let him tell you, don't tell him, as there may be other shit he doesn't know if you saw or not. If he says what did you find-- just say 'what do you think I found'.

mamato3lads · 13/03/2019 16:13

Keep us posted OP? Been thinking about you all day

timeisnotaline · 13/03/2019 16:18

You could put love actually on tonight. Perhaps just the scene where the wife asks her husband what he would do? I think she mentions that she found jewellery not for her in that scene? Pause it and ask him?

Original poster

LundyFastnet · 13/03/2019 16:50

@mamato3lads thanks for thinking of me! Having a shit time in general atm so this is just the icing on the cake.

I know there are more messages that I didn’t get time to take pics of so I think I am going to wait until I’ve had another chance to look at his phone. He doesn’t often leave it lying around though. We’ve got teenagers so it’s not like I can pack them off to bed and talk to DH in the evening so I’ll have to pick the right moment. He phoned from work earlier and it was hard to just chat as normal though. I will update.

OP posts:

2019willbegreat · 13/03/2019 17:01

OP I'm not sure what you think you will find. Their relationship has already crossed a line. Are you thinking you might find something that will make it look like a friendship and not an EA...or for more evidence that they are in EA so that you can LTB?

If the former - I doubt you will find it. If the latter, you don't need any more.

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