DH emotional affair or am I overreacting

[LundyFastnet]

Name changed but regular poster.

I am not sure what to do or think. I’ll try not to make it too long. So a few years ago DH took on a new team member at work. He manages a very small team in a female dominated industry. Because of this he has often had close female friends and I am not at all the jealous type so never bothered me. However, over the time they worked together, often just the two of them together, I did begin to think that he was pushing it a bit. They were often texting in the evenings and she bought him a few really thoughtful presents that I thought were a bit much for a colleague relationship. He never mentioned getting her anything for birthdays etc, he’s usually useless at that sort of thing.

She left the company and moved away a couple of years ago. He was a bit mopey but I thought that was because he really valued her at work and struggled to recruit someone as good.

Fast forward and something told me to check his phone last night. I have never ever done this before or even been tempted. I found that they have been messaging recently, and there is a what’s app history between going back to just after she left. Among many red flags, he asked her if she ever wore the jewellery he bought her and she said no, she couldn’t bring herself to. There was lots of how much they missed each other. The worst was it read like they’d had a falling out over her leaving and hadn’t talked for a while. She said that she hadn’t wanted to talk ‘because it was always all about ‘us’ and I couldn’t hack it’. She’s got a long term partner btw.

I feel sick. We’ve been married for almost 20 years, two teen DC. We’ve not had the most sublime relationship and have had some difficult patches but he has always been so so angry at the idea of people cheating that I can’t quite believe he would have done anything. I just don’t know whether to confront him or not. She lives far away now so it’s unlikely they would meet in person now, but one of his messages to her asked if they could meet for work purposes in the future. I just don’t know what to do.

You're so right to confront him. Outrageous behaviour.

Also, this

but he has always been so so angry at the idea of people cheating that I can’t quite believe he would have done anything

Is a massive red flag. In my experience, a man's likelihood of cheating is directly linked to his penchant for ranting about how much he hates cheating.

So sorry you’re going through this Op having been through something similar I know how hurtful it is.

He’s been lying to you for years by omission. Just because he’s not lied (because you did r ask) doesn’t make it right.

There is no excuse for this. Regardless of the state of your relationship, there is no excuse for him having an emotional affair - none whatsoever! If he was unhappy with your relationship he should have either worked on it with you or left. Did he tho k that having an emotional al connection with another woman would have repaired your relationship?

Yes you snooped on his phone, but he’s been hiding his relationship - if he hadn’t have hidden it your snooping would have found nothing

He bought her gifts and didn’t tell you. Nor did he buy you anything

Honestly OP, you really aren’t over reacting. Just because he did t have we’d with her (that you know about) doesn’t make it any better

I’d have to have it out with him.

Do you want to stay with him?

Good luck OP, whether you decide to stay with him or not. If you do, I'd suggest counselling. You will have to insist on total honesty too (this may mean hearing some tough things, unfortunately).

It would be over for me. Massages?! Jewellery?!

Please stop blaming yourself. This is on him.
And please take a moment to read my thread. There's strength in knowing you're right and you're not alone.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3531725-If-you-think-theres-someone-else

LundyFastnet
I am NOT telling you to throw him out. I want you to know that there are so many of us who've been where you are, and the words from Thought Catalog that I shared on my thread are what I wish I'd been strong enough to hear.
Prayers and love.

I was in your position a couple of months ago.

My advice is to confront BUT NOT UNTIL YOU KNOW EVERYTHING. Go through his phone, emails, apps, everything.
I stupidly confronted with very little information a couple of minutes after finding his messages.
He then went to work and remotely wiped his computer and deleted accounts on a particular website (known as the front page of the internet).
It took me weeks to discover the extent and dragged out the “discovery” phase. I had a breakdown. It was awful.
So please, please make sure you know everything first. It will be hard and you’ll hurt. There will be times you’ll want to scream at him. But you’ll help yourself so much more in the long term.

thoughtcatalog.com/krizzia-paolyn/2017/09/if-you-ever-have-to-choose-between-me-and-someone-else-please-do-not-pick-me/

Oh OP, what a fucking prick he is I've been where you are and I'm so sorry you are going through this

You're not overreacting. It sounds like he likes her more than he likes you.

If your relationship hasn't ever been that great, couldn't you leave?

Is a massive red flag. In my experience, a man's likelihood of cheating is directly linked to his penchant for ranting about how much he hates cheating.

Yes, this, 100%. It's in The Script book.

Print the messages out and give them to him, perhaps with some annotations ("this was my birthday"). Then stay silent while he explains himself. I'm afraid it sounds more than just emotional though. You might want to accompany the messages with a packed bag, to focus his mind.

Oh, and the birthday thing doesn't sound pathetic, not at all. You've every right to be hurt and angry and frankly you would be if not buying you a present or otherwise marking the day was all he'd done. These are the things we do to show we care.

I know what you mean about worrying you'll get upset and flustered when you try to discuss this with him, I would be the same myself. I suggest you put it all in writing to him. As a previous poster suggested you could also include screen shots of the messages. This way you can write and re-write until you're happy with what you want to say and you can then give it to him, let him read it in front of you and then discuss.

I think you have plenty of information, I'm not sure why you need more.

One piece of advice which I read on here which I wish I had seen before I confronted my ex is to show him what you have and then say nothing. In other words give him the rope with which to hang himself.

And I'm sorry to say because I know how this feels but steel yourself that it may well be more than shoulder massages and jewellery....although that would be enough for me.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, because even EAs are A Big Deal/breaker.

The issue is NOT who sticks what into whom - anything you do that you can't cheerfully tell your Significant Other about is cheating. It might not be a woman/man; it might be drugs or gambling or serial killing or a £1000/day Fabergé egg habit. ANYTHING that affects a partnership needs to be open within that partnership.

ChumpLady uses the term "unilateral" - he's making a choice to hide something from you, to deny you knowledge and therefore consent.

And these assholes constantly try to have it both ways. If confronted, it's all "no big deal". Yeah? Well why'd ya hide it then?

@macnab I think it’s a good idea to write it down somehow. I’ve just printed off the WhatsApp conversations I managed to screenshot so I have the physical proof. I just want to recheck his phone because I’m sure there was more, I just didn’t have long to look. I logged into his Facebook though and saw she was in his recent searches (they are FB friends anyway). No messages between them though.

Morning OP, just popping back to see how you are . As for her cropping up in his FB searches, she'll likely probably pop up just about everywhere I'm afraid to say. Try not to drive yourself crazy searching for extra, ever more hurtful evidence... You unfortunately have more than enough already. Have a couple copies of everything printed. One for you one for him. Make sure you have a list of questions so he can't sidetrack you with bullshit. Put him on the spot and demand an explanation.
Good luck sweetheart

On your birthday he got you no present but instead he text her. He is disrespectful to you. He buys her jewellery and she gives him shoulder massages. I would go out and text him to meet you somewhere as you need to talk to him. Your teenagers will be at home. I would say you are hurt and have lost all respect for him. Point out red flags and tell him to choose. Personally I would throw him out. My exh had an affair that started off emotional but eventually became sexual and I stood firm and kicked him out. He begged to come back but I stood form. I could not forget the betrayal. You deserve a husband who thinks of and texts you, if he buys jewellery he gives it to you and who is not deceitful. So sorry you are having to go through this betrayal.

If you can get into his email you might be able to find the receipt for the jewellery. You need to lay it all out in front of him so that he is on the back foot and trying to explain.

From the account you give, it sounds as though he was yearning after her, but she was holding him off somewhat.

Good luck - you're in a horrible situation.

And don't diminish your importance - he should have remembered your birthday. To be texting her while he did nothing for you is awful No wonder you feel down & scared.

apprehensive, maybe rather than scared ...

good luck.