So so angry

[CherryOnTop11]

So my stbExh left just after Xmas blaming me for the breakup. 13 years, 10 years married. It came out of nowhere.

I've since found out that he has cheated on me multiple times in the past 12 months, two times he actually brought her back to my house!! and is now living with this mess he met in work (his manager ffs!) and their relationship started before Xmas. And after Xmas he played awful mind games with me, leading me on, using me for sex, then telling me he didn't want me 'he couldn't help it'

We have two kids, both of whom are heartbroken. I'm now raising them alone, with a lot of support from my family while he hides in the house of this hind wrecker all happy. I have to deal with their tears, their questions, their heartbreak while dealing with my own as well.

I can never ever escape it. I'm plagued by memories and awful images in this house and I have to keep strong for the kids.

And I'm so angry. After 13 years he will not face me, he won't face up to the hurt he has caused the three people who loved him so much. I keep messaging him pictures of the kids, reminding him of all the things he's missing out on. Then I get angry and just let loose, at that woman as well. And I'm just consumed with anger.

Before this, I was a nice person, I was loyal, friendly, positive, happy. Now I'm bitter and miserable, I'm totally different, and I just want him to pay. I go to the gym. I scream, I cry and it helps. Then the kids will get upset or ask a question and I'm back to square one. I can't see a way through this. I want to key his car, I want to physically and emotionally hurt him. I want to rip her hair out, I want him away from the kids, because when they see him, they hide it all, save it all for me to deal with when they get home.

Where is the justice in the world that he gets to swan off and be happy while we are left here to clean up his mess??

Please someone tell me you've been through this. Is there anyway forward because I can't cope for much longer

You are still a nice person you are going through a massive trauma you will get through this and your feelings are normal have as little contact as possible he is a lying cheating cunt.OW irrelevant if not her someone else.

A lot of us have been there unfortunately.
But you can cope and you will keep on coping.
It's just what we do.
For now just get through the days as best you can.

Are you claiming everything you should be and is he paying proper maintenance?
Does he have proper contact days and overnights?
They both need to understand that they are his DC as well and he has to accept some responsibility for them.

It's awful, I know.
My ExH left the country so it was all down to me.
Money, upbringing, roof over her head.
It's a shit tonne to deal with.
But I got through it and so will you.

Keep the anger and get everything in place financially that you can.
He's still feeling guilty at the moment. That won't last long so milk it for all you can.

Keep leaning on friends and family.
You will get through this awful time.

You will find a new 'normal'.

In the meantime... big fat (((((HUGS)))))

We have two kids, both of whom are heartbroken.

How old are the children OP? How much have you been able to tell them so far?

So sorry you are dealing with this - you sound completely overwhelmed

Am in a similar situation except STBxh left last August so I am a few months further down the line. The only thing that has worked for me is just cutting him off as much as I possibly can (and her, and all his family) They are all blocked on social media so I can't see any comments/pictures when I"m not expecting it. Communication is kept purely to what concerns the kids and through text message only. When I get angry I sometimes write a ranty message but I write it somewhere else and don't send it. Whatever I say isn't going to have the effect on him that I want to achieve. It isn't going to make him suddenly realise what a knob he has been. What is more likely to happen is it would be easier for him to paint me as the bitter, horrible ex who made him so miserable he had to shag another woman. That is not true and I refuse to help him present it like that,

He doesn't deserve my time, emotional energy or words and so he isn't getting them.

It will get better. You are better off without someone who behaves like this. It's hard when you have kids together I know and you see them being hurt and confused. But they still have one strong, devoted parent who is a good role model despite what the other one does.

Your anger is righteous but ultimately unhelpful for you and those around you.

He is a shit
She is a bitch

Neither deserve an ounce of your emotions.

You can and will emerge through this.

First take a breath
The serenity prayer helped me as did some mental tricks to stop dwelling on the trauma.

Second look at your children - you did that. You made them. You shaped them. They are yours and no one can take that away from you.

You catch more with honey than vinegar so be sweet and sickly.

The children have a right to both parents. 50/50 childcare will soon put a kink in the lovenest.

Minimise contact - block her she is unimportant. Ignore anything that isn't about contact with the children. Any contact about separation should go through a solicitor.

Contact the CHild maintenance agency and ensure he pays what he owes.

Be brave x

It might be worth a trip to your gp to see if there is something to help you through this initial period, from medication to counselling.

This level of anger will hurt you, and your kids will be able to tell and if you feel you can't cope for much longer, that it's worth making the gp visit as soon as you can.

Redecorate your home. Have a mini break with your dc.
Get a ddog!!
All things made me feel better.

My kids are 15 and 8, the 15 knows far more than he should because he listened to everything through doors and at the top of the stairs. Both kids were there to witness my breakdown when I finally found out the truth, they had to ring my parents to come and help because he hung up on him!! My son has missed so much school because of the effect it's had on him, I've had to have time off work. Our life is upside down and I'm stuck in this house looking at the floor where he had sex with one of the women.

He has contact every other weekend, just on the Saturday. There's no way they are staying overnight in her house, or in his sisters as he wanted as there's no room and they don't want to, he has paid me my maintainence last month, we'll see on Friday if he pays this month.

I've tried being that kind of nice, but I can't, he came round one day and the smug smirk he had on his face just made me blow my top, if my daughter hadn't been there I would have done something to really hurt him.

I know that none of what I say gets through and I'm trying to move away from contact but then I spend an evening hugging my son while he cry's and then I'm enraged again. And being at home every night alone knowing he's all cosy with her, ignoring everything he's done. I know they aren't worth it, but I'm worth more than this treatment!

It does cross my mind that he can paint me as the crazy ex, but everyone who matters knows that isn't me. I just want acknowledgment and respect for the 13 years I wasted on him and the job I'm doing now to raise his children. He wasn't like this, it's like my husband is dead and been replaced by a twat.

And thank you all for replying ❤️❤️❤️

You have to turn around your energy and support yourself and your dc.
No more energy for him.
No amount of anger will change the situation. He has gone.
See a lawyer start divorce get your dues.

See a therapist or counsellor and find ways to get thru this and move forward

Your son has gcse next year right? Find a way to support him.
one day at a time.

You will get thru and it will be ok.
But don't expend your energy on him and her. Your dc need You

Think about fresh start...move house if you need to

Go after him for child support via official channels if you haven't done so already. I would strongly recommend you and your children get counseling for this traumatic event in your lives. Be gentle with yourself-it's still early days and eventually you'll look back and wonder what the hell were you thinking missing him?!! He's just a dog in heat humping whatever/whoever willing it is no reflection on you in the least!

my husband is dead and been replaced by a twat.

^^ this OP
Your husband is dead, the man she has got is a lying fucking toad, you don't want that she can have it.

Repeat repeat repeat

The kids just be the best mum you can

The best revenge is to be happy, head up tits out brave face whenever you can.

As you know honeymoon period doesn't last, you need to be in better place when he realises the grass isn't greener; so you can have a smug smirk on your face when you tell him to fuck off.

For now massive hugs xx

Oh my poor girl, I’m so sorry,
But may I ask a question, does the man ever sit down with his children and tell them why he’s left or do they always expect the “to be ex” wife to explain, this has rankled me for ages, ever time i read one of these stories on here.
It should not all be on your shoulders..
Hugs xx

The only way to win (if you can call it that) is to rise above it and show him you're out the other side, bigger, better and stronger. You can be the swan, gliding serenely whilst the feet are paddling frantically but unseen. Comfort the 15yo, tell him you'll all be ok, and you'll manage fine without him. If they want contact the choice is theirs, but you won't force them.

It's time to calm down, cool down and take control. For your own sake and the DC's! Good luck

I'm sorry that he's cheated and left you. However, you have to talk to your children and tell them everything is fine, you will be fine etc. Don't involve the children.

This is all upsetting but you have to be strong for your kids, you're 3 months down the line, stop the sobbing and especially in front of kids. Don't waste another ounce of energy on him, stop messaging him it's pointless plus they're no doubt laughing at you. Get the house sorted, finances sorted, new you and be glad you're rid of him.

You are me five years ago OP. I was 'the crazy ex' as he had time to go and spread that crap as I was left at home with a child who attempted suicide because of what had happened.
Exh made his mind up and left (obviously swearing there was no OW - but she soon crept out of the woodwork). He was vile.

Five years on it still irks me that he lives his life as he wants, picks and chooses when he sees DS (for breakfast on a Saturday if he is free)? Never has him overnight and offers 5 days in the summer.

What I had to do to survive was let go of the anger as it was eating me up. You have to realise that this is not your fault - that he has made all the decisions and nothing you could do or have done will change that. Grieve for your relationship and take small steps to rebuilding your life. Do something good every day with your kids - bake a cake, go for a walk, watch a movie. It will get better slowly. We got a dog and now I say it was the best swap I ever made.
I honestly don't think I will ever trust a man again and have not had a relationship since. But I like me now and am strong. My son is growing in to a strong young man because of what he went through - no despite.

@Bookworm4 that really doesn't help does it?

You have all had a terrible shock. The end of a relationship is a grieving process. I hope you have some support around you gather family. Friends or professional support if you can. See your gp and discuss medication to get you through this difficult time.

Time to get practical. Get his name off everything. Don't be paying his car insurance or phone bills. Get 25% off your council tax. Go on line and see if you are entitled to any benefits. And check cms calculator.

Start packing up his belongings. Move things around at home. Buy new bed sheets make some changes so the house feels different. Consider selling and moving if that is an option.

Talk to school. Make sure your son is getting the support he needs right now.

He is no longer your concern. Time to go as low contact as possible. He is not welcome in the house. He comes. Collects the kids and returns them at agreed times. Communication is through text/emails only. Get some legal advice. And show him you are taking control of the situation.

I know how heart breaking this is for you and your children. It has taken me over a year to feel ok. I now have as little contact with ex as possible. He has done some shorty things in the past year and my eldest is also no longer seeing him.

When you feel the urge. Write draft e mails but sleep on them for 24 hours before sending anything. Take any emotion out of it. Just facts and to the point when you do communicate.

It will pass. But it takes time. You deserve better.

@pieceofpurplesky
What do you suggest? Spend another 3 months crying and stressing the kids out? Giving him the satisfaction that he's devastated her life? I prefer the get tough and show them you don't give a shit attitude.

Bookworm's quite right.

What to tell her that her ex and his ow are laughing at her? The OP is clearly suffering and at breakpoint - whilst she does need to take control it is not going to happen like that. She obviously can't just pull herself together - her posts clearly show that she needs help and support - not being told she is being laughed at!

Also bookworm not everybody can 'get tough and show them you don't give a shit' because ... they do give a shit and can be broken.

@pieceofpurplesky
My laughed at comment was the messaging him 'look what yr missing' and pics of kids.
It's only giving them ammunition.