So so angry

[CherryOnTop11]

So my stbExh left just after Xmas blaming me for the breakup. 13 years, 10 years married. It came out of nowhere.

I've since found out that he has cheated on me multiple times in the past 12 months, two times he actually brought her back to my house!! and is now living with this mess he met in work (his manager ffs!) and their relationship started before Xmas. And after Xmas he played awful mind games with me, leading me on, using me for sex, then telling me he didn't want me 'he couldn't help it'

We have two kids, both of whom are heartbroken. I'm now raising them alone, with a lot of support from my family while he hides in the house of this hind wrecker all happy. I have to deal with their tears, their questions, their heartbreak while dealing with my own as well.

I can never ever escape it. I'm plagued by memories and awful images in this house and I have to keep strong for the kids.

And I'm so angry. After 13 years he will not face me, he won't face up to the hurt he has caused the three people who loved him so much. I keep messaging him pictures of the kids, reminding him of all the things he's missing out on. Then I get angry and just let loose, at that woman as well. And I'm just consumed with anger.

Before this, I was a nice person, I was loyal, friendly, positive, happy. Now I'm bitter and miserable, I'm totally different, and I just want him to pay. I go to the gym. I scream, I cry and it helps. Then the kids will get upset or ask a question and I'm back to square one. I can't see a way through this. I want to key his car, I want to physically and emotionally hurt him. I want to rip her hair out, I want him away from the kids, because when they see him, they hide it all, save it all for me to deal with when they get home.

Where is the justice in the world that he gets to swan off and be happy while we are left here to clean up his mess??

Please someone tell me you've been through this. Is there anyway forward because I can't cope for much longer

You can't get over something that is rubbed in your face all the time but for the sake of your children you need to hide your pain a bit.
It will hurt them enough without seeing your pain too.

Do not contact her
Do not refer to her
As much as it falls you if the kids want to see their dad it looks like they will see her. The more they see him the less cost the honeymoon period will be.

Only discuss the kids contact with him.

Do something for you.
New carpets,
Paint

Or look at 'house porn' and see what is out there for you.

Less cosy not cost

Thank you all for your support. I really do need these words from you all. ❤️❤️

I've booked my son in for some private counselling, I can't afford for both of us though, so I'm on the waiting list with the NHS.

I do have an amazing network around me, but sometimes I feel like all I do now is be negative and angry and I don't want to be a burden to be around so I'm trying to keep it myself.

He did leave just after Xmas, but it's not been three months really as he kept coming back, messing with my emotions, leading me me on, it was only a month ago I found out about the woman he slept with in my house and just a week or so since I found out he was now living with the other woman who he works with. I've also had an STI and a pregnancy scare. It's just one thing after another and I recover then I get knocked on my arse again.

I'm not getting that upset in front of the kids, it's mainly when I mess up with something, like forget to buy something from the shop, or I break a glass or just stupid stuff that makes me believe I can't cope and I'm failing them as a mother. I feel like I'm on the edge and one thing can tip me over. Some days though, I do feel my strength under it all... it's there and I'm trying my best to push it through.

I rent my house, and I've applied for a new house nearer to my parents, Competition is fierce where we live though, just crossing everything I get it, as a fresh start for the three of us.

I have started divorce proceedings online, and I've written an informal contact arrangement. There are days I feel in control and those are the days I get shit done.

He's not done any explaining, just lied to them really, about his relationship with her, about his intentions, his living arrangements, but not said sorry or answered any questions. Just left it to me!

I've blocked him and her on my phone now, and he will be seeing both the kids this weekend, picking them up from my mums house.

It's my sons birthday tomorrow, he'll be 15 and he's spent the evening crying because all he got was a card that said 'love you, Dad'

This man isn't worth your tears. It is awful that your DC are devastated. Are you close to your parents inlaw? Or does he have siblings who you could talk to about him maintaining a relationship with his children.

Your focus now is your wellbeing and your children.

It takes a while to come to terms with the end of your marriage,
especially following infidelity.

The best revenge is living a good life.

What a twat your husband is. It makes me so mad that there are so many stories with a similar thread of cheating husbands. Why do they think this is acceptable to do this to their wives and their children. F**ckers!!

I found out my STBXH had cheated on me a couple of yrs ago and had kept in touch with this tart (he met her while working overseas) and he was now with her around a month ago, although she still lives overseas for now. He didn’t have the decency to tell me and neither did my in-laws and she was over staying with them for a fortnight when STBXH told me he couldn’t collect his kids on agreed times because of “work”. We’d been together 13 yrs, married 5 with 2 young kids. The sheer pain and utter devastation was just unbearable. I ended up having to go to see the GP and was signed off work and put on anti-depressants. I didn’t want either but I was unable to function I felt so helpless and not in control of my emotions, I was also really crabby with the kids, they are only 4 and 2. Then I’d beat myself up for not being a good enough mum. The antidepressant made me extremely tired and took the edge off the pain of it all. It’s quite an odd feeling but rather than crying all the time I was sleeping all the time. I’m 3 wks in now and although my mood is still low, I’ve made progress, protected myself and kids financially, just in the process of getting separation agreement drafted. It’s irked me majorly the legal fees I’m having to incur when I didn’t do anything wrong, but I’ve now accepted life is unfair.

I’ve also had no contact with STBXH unless related to kids or financial matters. I’ve managed to be civil even though I want to stab him and I can see how happy the kids are and that is helping me more than anything. I had already separated with my husband for a while before all of the cheating stuff came out which in hindsight is just aswell as I’d already had a period to get use to being alone and single parenting and the kids got used to him not staying in the house. I’m not saying you need to be on anti depressants but I wouldn’t have been able to be civil without them and that had helped me greatly. I never thought I’d be able to be the bigger person (I don’t think he did either) but I’ve wasted enough of my life, emotions on this cowardly sh*t it feels really liberating.

Your poor son, such a difficult age to be going through all of this and bloody hard as a parent having to see your children suffer. I hope he manages to enjoy at least part of his birthday.

@CherryOnTop11 have a look for charities that provide counselling. For yourself and your son I found one that did donations £10 per hour.

You sound like you are a strong women. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I'm so sorry your son is struggling. Do let school know. You can only focus on being the best parent you can be. Your ex will reap what he sows.

I echo @Sjames2408 antidepressants helped me function. My first ones helped me sleep. But too much. So changed to different ones. So much better on the tired front.

For your own mental well being stop engaging with him. Contact is about kids and money only.

He isn't worth it. I do know how painful it is. Hence why I'm awake at this time. It still consumes me some days. Even 15 months on. I am damn sure my ex doesn't give me a passing thought except when the cms deduct money directly from his wages each month.

How the hell do we have so many men out there who have done this to women who gave them a home, a family? What the f*ck is wrong with society that this is almost accepted??

And it has been by a lot of people! His family have never really cared about my kids, and they still don't. His dad cheated and left him and his siblings when he was younger, then can back, then his mum did the same, and his sister has been the OW and split up two marriages. They are all eager to make him the innocent in this, and excuse his behaviour, and make me the bad guy for not allowing my kids to sleep on air beds in his sisters! They can all do one. I'm glad to be rid of all of them, and more pleased I never have to force my kids to visit people they don't know and call them 'Nana' etc

I'm so sorry to all of you who have experienced this, and thank you so much for sharing your advice and kind words. It doesn't make me feel better to know others have suffered, it makes me hate men even more. But it does make me feel better to know how you all came through it, or are making it through.

I'd like to go to the GP and ask for more help, but I've already had a lot of time off work, and being a Teacher it's difficult to miss days, especially at this point in the year. Only 5 weeks until Easter though, maybe I can go then. I will look into a charity though! I never thought of that. Xxxx

I absolutely don't blame you, in your place I would want them both to suffer. But it may help to remember that ultimately the best revenge is living well - try to reach a point where you can show him that you can get on absolutely fine without him, that actually you are better off.

No my husband is actually dead so that's offensive. Your husband just showed his true colours and left you all is a shit and horrible situation.

So do not confused the two. My husband is dead yours is a scummy twat.

OW irrelevant if not her someone else

I don't see the OW as irrelevant at all. They are BOTH shits. The OW knew he was married and still went ahead. How come she's so lightly off the hook?

@CherryOnTop11

It's important to realise you still care about him, which is why you're so angry and hurt. You don't want to care but it takes time to get past feelings that have been part of your life for so long.

Step by step by step is the only way to do it. Get past one moment to the next, sort out what's happening later, this evening, tomorrow morning, one day next week. Keep your planning manageable and don't be afraid to ask for help on specific tasks. E.g. if you are overwhelmed, as someone to help you sort out the council tax discount.

People being supportive is often unconditional at a time like this. They don't expect you to be perfect or even your normal self. All your normality is being used up at work and for your children, as much as possible.

It gets better. But don't be conned into ever thinking he has changed and is worth another chance.

I was also in this situation about 6 years ago, I had immense anger for a long time. It was visible. I couldn't hide or control it. I had a few very good friends who understood and allowed it to run it's course until it left me.
I think anger is not always bad. It allows the other person to see how hurtful their actions and words have been. They need to know that.

I prefer the get tough and show them you don't give a shit attitude.

He might think everything he's done is OK then.
I prefer to let him know exactly what he's done and the terrible effect it's had on everybody's lives - not everytime I had to see him but certainly once.

@cherry.....Your raw emotions are coming across loud and clear and I love you a bit for that. You need to get them out.....but then let them go. I've felt similar and it wears you down. You cannot control what he does, only how you respond. It's truly shit but it's at your door and you must find a way to get through this that doesn't make you feel worse. Google "grey rick " , start taking control back, show your DC you are a,warrior woman. It will take time but you WILL get through this.

Grey rock!! Not sure who grey rick is!!!

I totally feel the same as you @pusspuss9 like why the he'll should he be let off and be able to ignore the damage he has done?? No one else will give him the reality check so why not his wife of ten years, why not the woman cleaning up his mess??

Although he's a twat so it all falls on deaf ears probably by now.

@peekyboo I think you're right, I do still care and I hate myself for it. Right now it feels like a weakness in me. I still sometimes wish it was all a nightmare and I could get my old life back. It's all so surreal.

And I've come home from work today to find out that his sister and mum turned up unannounced on my son!!! He felt so awkward, he knew I'd hate it. They could have waited until Sunday when he goes to see his dad. It was done on purpose to piss me off! If I was her I would be deeply ashamed of my brother, but they just don't care! She claimed it was about loving her nephew, but not once has she text me to see how either of the kids are during this whole thing. I was feeling so much better but I'm burning with rage now. Why am I being put through this?? I'm a good person! I'm loyal, I'm committed, I'm kind. I've babysat her three kids along side my own countless times with no thanks! And this is how I get repaid??

I'm going to have major trust issues for the rest of my life and that scares me because I liked who I was

I can't speak for your ex @CherryOnTop11 But mine didn't give two shits about the carnage he left behind. He told the children. You have to do what makes you happy.

Ds went on to self harm. Because as he saw it. Dad doesn't care about me.

I think at that point he may of felt guilty. But still was saying it was all for best. Because that is what he wanted.

Of course you care. That doesn't just stopped. It has been a year of a car crash life for ex. Bailiffs. Ds refusing to see him. Debt. Social services and a health scare. At one point I was supportive. But it got thrown back at me. I want my old life back. I want to be able to put it right. But he doesn't. And isn't the same person. I know there is no changing it and It sucks.

I'm sorry sil came Unannounced. That wasn't fair on you or your son. I hope some boundaries can be put in place and you can have some space from it all

When my last LTR ended I was consumed with rage (primarily because he stole several thousand pound from me on his way out the door - unrecoverable sadly)

I found using CBT really really helped me manage my anger and stop dwelling on what I'd like to do to his fat arse. You can self refer online for CBT and some NHS trusts have free online CBT. I also found the book CBT for Dummies very helpful.

It's great that you are looking for a new place. A fresh start will probably help settle the DC as well. It will no longer be "Dad left us" but "me and my mum and sibling moved to a new house." I will cross my fingers for you that you get the place you applied for. But if not - you will find something else. And don't give your ex in laws the new address!

Your poor DS, I hope counselling helps him.

@eve34 your poor DS, I've just had a conversation with DS that sounds so similar to what you said there 'why doesn't he care enough to stay? How can he go from being there everyday to never coming home?' And I can't answer because I have the same questions! I think he's probably similar to your ex, doesn't give a shit, he's happy 'it's all for the best' 'I need a chance to put myself first for a change'

Yea? Really?? And like when the fuck have I ever put myself first in the last 15 years since I became a mother??

Plus when he sees the kids, they're just happy to see him and don't want to bring up any unpleasantness so when I'm telling him about all the hurt, the tears, the confusion they've been going through, he's convinced I'm making it up! He just wants to paint me as a drama queen whose keeping him from his kids.

@NotTheFordType I'm so sorry you went through that, what a bastard!! Why are some men like this?? I never thought of trying CBT myself at home, I thought I had to see a counsellor, I'll have a look and see what I can find, and I've used the for dummies books in the past thank you xxxx

One of the issues here are that affairs are no big deal for his family. His mum, his dad and his sister.

Children learn from their parents as they grow up. They see them as role models. He hasn't exactly had shining examples in that regard, which has probably skewed his attitude in relation to infidelity.

Think about it.. his parents are hardly going to criticise him, when they did the same are they.

@SandyY2K I've realised that myself. I'm going to do my upmost to ensure my children never ever accepts this as normal behaviour. I'm not letting him off that easy though. He's a 33 year old man, he's not lived with them for 13 years, he knew it was wrong, and he actually can't stand his dad because of how selfish he's been over the years in relation to him and his siblings. He should have known more than anyone the effect it would have.

I am glad I can minimise my kids contact with that family now, they've really shown their true colours and my kids deserve so much better

I have been in your position OP and am now 10 years down the line. I promise you it does get better you will get to the point where you don't love or hate you just feel nothing. I know at the time it was happening to me I wished my ex husband had died because I was sure that would be easier to deal with than the betrayal.

2 years after my exH left me I met my new DP and am much much happier than I ever was, we have moved to a new part of the country, travelled the world and last Tuesday had a new baby. I am a great believer in everything happens for a reason, your ex will regret this one day, they all do!

For now hold your head up high, concentrate on yourself and your DC as what you are feeling will pass xx