OHs behaviour - AIBU?

[Mummypig81]

Hi there - first post and desperate for advice. I’ve been with OH for 14 years and married for 9. Our marriage is failing, perhaps past the point of no return. He’s always been a man-child, but it’s become a huge issue since we had children. He’s lazy, sleeps until lunchtime. Go outs to mates houses after dinner to skip the DDs bedtime routine. He also has a very quick temper, which is (in my opinion) exacerbated by a lifelong weed habit. He claims to have quit weed within the six months but his temper is no better. He slapped our DD1 when she was two and a half and left a clear handprint on her for several hours. He’s sworn at her and left a friction burn on her neck from yanking her clothes. He regularly screams and shouts at the girls and mocks them for being upset. He knows that hitting them is unacceptable and it’s never happened again. I still don’t trust him alone with our DDs and rarely leave them with him. He still denies these things happened even though I have photographic evidence. He refuses to accept responsibility for anything and always find a way to blame others.

He’s quite controlling, dislikes me being on social media of any kind. He gives me dirty looks or makes comments when I’m looking at my phone. My phone is basically my only social life as I’m a SAHM while he’s out at friends houses or the pub 3/4 nights a week.

He went away for work last week after we’d argued and didn’t get in touch for 48 hours. He read and ignored my messages. He didn’t even ask after the DDs. He maintains I’m to blame because I was angry at him and always have a go at him. His family have been defending him saying that he’s trying his best (giving up weed) etc but it’s never good enough for me.

I want to leave but he says I’m not giving him a chance to prove he can change. I’m starting to feel really really worn down and like maybe I am being too harsh?! He can be a good dad and nice guy but can also be aggressive and childish. Should I keep trying to keep our family together?

Sorry for the huge post!

Leave. In as safe a way as you can for you and your DC.

Then do the Freedom Programme.

Living with a “father” like this will already have had a negative impact on your DC: leaving increases the chances of a better future for your family.

What he/his family think about your decision doesn’t matter.

He is NOT good enough for you, or the DC.

I want to leave but he says I’m not giving him a chance to prove he can change
Too little too late.
He's worn you down over the years.
You have lost all your respect for him (quite rightly so).
You don't love him anymore.
He can't change. He won't change.

Well..... he will for about a week but will revert to type.

This guy is abusive and controlling.
He abuses your children.
He is a drug addict.

Please please value yourself more than this.
Get him gone.
He's a useless, lazy pothead and your DC need to be away from him.
The example you are setting for them regarding future adult relationships is appalling!
Show them women are strong and that we do NOT put up with shitty men.

When is he a good dad? if he works all day and then goes out 3/4 nights a week?

GET OUT NOW! If you stay with him and he continues to physically,verbally and emotionally abuse you and your daughters who knows what amount of harm he'll cause! Staying in an abusive home harms the children in so many ways (I speak from experience here!) If you have to go show the evidence to a solicitor or the police.

Read your post back. If that was a friend or sister asking for advice what would you say to them?
If anything you have been far, far too soft to allow yourself and your DC's to have been treat this way for so long.
You deserve way better than what this man can give you.
You don't need him, leave.

I just feel weakened by it all. I want to be the strong mother the girls need. If I was reading my own post I would say exactly the same as you, it’s just so hard. I see glimpses of the man and father he can be (usually in his brief ‘trying’ spells) and kid myself that things could be better.
I’m genuinely mentally exhausted

Please please leave him. That sounds like a horrendous environment and childhood for your little girls.

A glimpse is not enough
Get away.

I see glimpses of the man and father he can be (usually in his brief ‘trying’ spells) and kid myself that things could be better.

But that's just acting so you won't leave him, if it was real he would do it all the time

• I see glimpses of the man and father he can be (usually in his brief ‘trying’ spells) and kid myself that things could be better. I’m genuinely mentally exhausted*

It's how abusive men operate - if they were abusive ALL of the time, they would know that everyone would see them for what they are, so they put on the nice guy show.

He shows you who he really is when he is being abusive. It's no wonder you are worn down, but it is miraculous how quickly your energy levels can pick up once you're free of abuse.

omg fuck him and his pathetic trying! why are you making excuses for him? the only thing you can do to stop being mentally exhausted is take responsibility for your children and leave! he is a waste of space and if you are not going to do what's best for them either then believe me, their lives will be ruined.

You are allowing your children to be verbally and physically abused by their father. You are their mother, you are meant to be protecting them.

If seeing your husband slap your child won't make you leave, what will?

If social services were aware of what was going on in your household. The choice would be taken out of your hands.

He's an abusive cunt. There, fixed it for you. You aren't be harsh enough.

I put a bag of clothes to his mums when he was away with work and told him I didn’t want to see him. He just went and picked up the bag, came home and wanted to know what was for dinner. He also had a huge bag of gifts for the kids.
I have nowhere to go, my oldest DD is at school here and it looks like he won’t leave.

He slapped our DD1 when she was two and a half and left a clear handprint on her for several hours. He’s sworn at her and left a friction burn on her neck from yanking her clothes. He regularly screams and shouts at the girls and mocks them for being upset

Put yourself in your daughters' position. Try and feel the pain and confusion those little ones feel when he is abusing them.

Now make plans to get him out or get away yourself with them. Speak to Women's Aid who will give you impartial advice on where you can get the help you need.

Also see this thread, also on the Relationship board.

For anyone desperate to leave an abusive relationship but reluctant to move into a refuge
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/936487-For-anyone-desperate-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship-but-reluctant#190701366_

Good luck OP.

Do you own the house?
Where are your family?

It’s a jointly owned house. My family are nearby but none have room to take us in. Reading your responses is making me panic. I feel like I’ve made him out to be violent and abusive when 95% of the time he’s fine.

But if the 5% when he's not fine is when he's hitting/tormenting your children, or being a man child storming off in a fuss, going off at the deep end for something trivial, then it doesn't matter what he's like the rest of the time.

And I’d say 85% of the time he’s not even home

His relationship with these people is weird - and your taking sencond best

Leave

You contradict yourself...

I see glimpses of the man and father he can be (usually in his brief ‘trying’ spells)

Then you say...

I feel like I’ve made him out to be violent and abusive when 95% of the time he’s fine

You also say he regularly screams at your daughters.

If you were alone, fine that is your right to stay BUT you have two innocent children. Children you are not protecting. They do not deserve to be raised in this hostile environment.

I have little empathy for women like you who allow your children to be abused. You know they are being abused yet you stay.

You can contact...

The police
Women aid
Social services
A teacher at your daughter school

There is no excuse for staying in this situation. Like I said before, once social services are involved that be it. They won't look kindly on you, as a mother choosing her husband over the safety of her children.

Most abusive men aren’t abusive all the time. Really. But nice Dad’s don’t leave slap marks on little children’s faces. I know from experience how abusive behaviour can creep up so slowly that you don’t see what’s happening; like the proverbial frog being boiled in water. But you are the only person who can protect your children here. I think you really need to make an exit plan. xx

I’m sorry I know I contradict myself. I’m a bit of a mess. I’m not looking for sympathy, I suppose I wanted some advice and confirmation that leaving is the right thing to do.

He is very good at making me feel I’m being unreasonable that I started to believe it. He has already been divorced once (with a son he pretty much walked away from) and said another divorce would be unbearable. I realise now that I have been brainwashed into thinking I couldn’t put himthrough that.

Like I said I’m mentally exhausted. Posting here is my first step. I know I have a lot more to make. I’m just scared I suppose.

You've got advice- leave! Or kick him out and do not let him back in. You ARE doing the right thing.

It is really hard. And there are a lot of statistics that show it can take multiple goes for someone to leave an abusive situation. Look up gaslighting - I wish I’d heard that term when I was still married as it would have confirmed that I really wasn’t going mad. It’s easy for people to say just go when they haven’t been in this place and haven’t been conditioned by an abuser. Posting here was your first step in the right direction. Keep going. You can work this out. Call women’s aid. Talk to your GP. Confide in someone somewhere in real life that you can trust. Get some practical help in making a plan to leave. It can be done. You don’t need a ‘valid’ reason that he agrees with to leave.