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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OHs behaviour - AIBU?

45 replies

Mummypig81 · 12/03/2019 15:51

Hi there - first post and desperate for advice. I’ve been with OH for 14 years and married for 9. Our marriage is failing, perhaps past the point of no return. He’s always been a man-child, but it’s become a huge issue since we had children. He’s lazy, sleeps until lunchtime. Go outs to mates houses after dinner to skip the DDs bedtime routine. He also has a very quick temper, which is (in my opinion) exacerbated by a lifelong weed habit. He claims to have quit weed within the six months but his temper is no better. He slapped our DD1 when she was two and a half and left a clear handprint on her for several hours. He’s sworn at her and left a friction burn on her neck from yanking her clothes. He regularly screams and shouts at the girls and mocks them for being upset. He knows that hitting them is unacceptable and it’s never happened again. I still don’t trust him alone with our DDs and rarely leave them with him. He still denies these things happened even though I have photographic evidence. He refuses to accept responsibility for anything and always find a way to blame others.

He’s quite controlling, dislikes me being on social media of any kind. He gives me dirty looks or makes comments when I’m looking at my phone. My phone is basically my only social life as I’m a SAHM while he’s out at friends houses or the pub 3/4 nights a week.

He went away for work last week after we’d argued and didn’t get in touch for 48 hours. He read and ignored my messages. He didn’t even ask after the DDs. He maintains I’m to blame because I was angry at him and always have a go at him. His family have been defending him saying that he’s trying his best (giving up weed) etc but it’s never good enough for me.

I want to leave but he says I’m not giving him a chance to prove he can change. I’m starting to feel really really worn down and like maybe I am being too harsh?! He can be a good dad and nice guy but can also be aggressive and childish. Should I keep trying to keep our family together?

Sorry for the huge post!

OP posts:

Nat6999 · 12/03/2019 18:40

Get your ducks in a row & either leave him or throw him out. Get copies of all birth & marriage certificates, copy or photograph your husband,'s pay slips, P60's, bank statements etc, get as much cash together as you can, get cashback whenever you go shopping so you don't make him suspicious. Make sure you have good supplies of medication & if you are intending to leave, give everything to a friend or relation to look after for you. Get yourself a good solicitor & take him for everything you can

Original poster

Mummypig81 · 12/03/2019 18:41

My sister has mentioned gaslighting. He often does or says things (like slapping DD) and then will either deny them completely or twist things and make out I’m over-reacting or taking things the wrong way.

OP posts:

Kko1986 · 12/03/2019 18:49

Ok you have been given the correct advice now answer these questions?
A typical day what happens from the moment you open your eyes?
what do you feel?
What do your children say ? Are they afraid of him do they avoid him?
If your family are good people they will take you in for a time space or not.
Weed is not an excuse.
He's trying is not an excuse.

You will end up with terrified children. My husband told me about an old boss of his who only stayed because of the children then when they were old enough the kids said they wish their parents had separated.
This isn't just about you anymore this is about your children. He left a mark? You should have left him then but you didn't.
Why now have you asked for help?
Do your family know?

Missingstreetlife · 12/03/2019 18:49

If your child's school or daycare get hold of this they will report
Social services will assess whether you can keep dc safe. No. They will help you to protect perhaps by leaving, or if you can't or won't, will have to consider whether they need safeguarding or removing. Next time he marks your child straight to gp, but why wait? You already have a photo, that's evidence. Contact women's aid and get your life back. Good luck

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 12/03/2019 19:21

I have a huge amount of sympathy for people who stay in abusive relationships for longer than they 'should'. I've been there. There are a thousand reasons not to leave.

But none of those reasons holds good when kids are being abused. I have zero sympathy for people who stay and allow their partner to abuse the children. That's what he's doing. And you are failing protect them. That's your first responsibility as a parent. To protect your kids. And you aren't doing it.

Get out. Now. Because if you won't protect your kids, then they should be removed from you.

Original poster

Mummypig81 · 12/03/2019 19:45

You’re absolutely right. I should have gone when he hit my daughter and have felt guilty about that ever since. The issue was that I was 38 weeks pregnant at the time with DD2 and felt trapped. I’ve since had PND and I’m only just starting to see a bit more clearly. I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 12/03/2019 20:08

I can see why his first wife left him.

MistressDeeCee · 12/03/2019 20:26

I see glimpses of the man and father he can be

What...?

A coward that hits children?

But he's a skunk weed head by the sounds of it and you are doing yourself and your children no favours by staying with a man like that. A lazy rude disrespectful child beater.. I wouldn't even let his skanky arse sit on my sofa.

BumbleBeee69 · 12/03/2019 20:31

He hit your CHILD FFS.. get out now

AlexaAmbidextra · 13/03/2019 06:21

and then

He can be a good dad

Will you listen to yourself? How on earth can you say he can be a good dad? He’s cruel and abusive. Fgs put your children first and get rid of this nasty piece of shit. They are relying on you to protect them. Do it.

10IAR · 13/03/2019 06:32

OP I recognise in your posts responses you've been conditioned to give.

I also recognise that he's pickled your head so badly you don't know what is right any more.

So here it is.

He slapped your DD, hit her, hard enough to mark. When she was 2 years old.

When your DDs become distressed, he mocks them and shouts at them.

He mocks his daughters for telling him they're upset. They will grow up feeling they don't matter, because Daddy says so.

I know you've had some hard responses on here, and they're tough to read, but they're right in the intent of what they're saying.

You have to go. This can't become your DDs normal. Because it's very very far from normal, or acceptable or even fair.

Every word that comes out of his mouth is designed to confuse, manipulate and gaslight you.

If your DD could tell you how she felt when Daddy hit her, what would she say?

If they could tell you how it felt when Daddy mocked and shouted at them for being distressed, what would they say?

You can do this, but you must do it fast. For their sake and for yours.

Women's Aid, Freedom programme, police with evidence if he won't leave.

You can do this.

Original poster

Mummypig81 · 13/03/2019 10:55

Thank you all for your advice. Even the hard responses, I needed to hear them. I've sent a message to my local Womens Aid office this morning. I'm waiting for a reply. x

OP posts:

10IAR · 13/03/2019 11:26

Well done OP, I know from personal experience how hard that first step is, and you've done it.

You can do this, keep telling yourself that.

If you waver, remind yourself that your girls need to grow up knowing that being hit, dragged, overpowered and mocked will shape their sense of self worth and how they ought to be treated. They will come to see it as normal unless you and they escape.

I know you know that, but he's going to try everything to get in your head and confuse you. So I wrote it down, so you can think back when you need to work out what is right.

You, and your girls, deserve a safe, loving, happy home. You can't have that as long as he is in it.

Hidingtonothing · 13/03/2019 11:46

I'm glad you're taking the harsher responses the right way OP, you do need to hear them because he has warped your responses with his abuse and you, understandably, have lost sight of the reality you and your girls are living with. It's not your fault but it is time to make some major changes, for your girls sake and your own.

I hope WA get back to you soon and can help get you all away from this man, there is a better life waiting for you away from the mental exhaustion this man causes you

HollowTalk · 13/03/2019 11:49

Do you think that him bringing presents home makes him a good dad?

Bloomburger · 13/03/2019 11:51

What would you say to your daughter if she came to you and told you all of the above, that your SIL was doing this to her? You'd be appalled. And unless you actually do something the lesson you are giving her is that it's acceptable for a man to treat you like your DH is.

GiveMeSteam · 13/03/2019 11:54

Do you think that him bringing presents home makes him a good dad?

I didn’t read it like that at all.

AntiHop · 13/03/2019 11:58

I truly don't believe he's a good dad 95% of the time. Part of being a good dad is being a good partner, as how he treats you will affect them.

It took my mum a couple of decades to split up with my abusive dad. I'll never forget the relief I felt when he was finally gone. I was an adult by then.

carrotflinger · 13/03/2019 13:05

I’m sorry I know I contradict myself. I’m a bit of a mess. I’m not looking for sympathy, I suppose I wanted some advice and confirmation that leaving is the right thing to do.

It is the right thing to do.
He is abusing you and he has brought you right down.

That simply cannot go on. Get rid of him for your daughters' sakes.
I'm sorry you are going through this. He is not a good Dad 95% of the time. I thought my ex was a wonderful partner 95% of the time - he really wasn't, I just couldn't see it. He sucked the life out of me so that I felt worthless and then didn't have the strength to kick him out. He went off himself in the end and then tried to wangle his way back in.

You can do this. Things will be so much better without living in fear. Also without that feeling of it being your fault. Or the living for the small percentage of time when he is a wonderful partner - that's what I felt like all the time - just living for the good moments and brushing the bad ones under the carpet.

I promise you, you will feel better when he is gone - maybe not immediately because it will be hard at first - but after 6 months or so you will be a new person.

TougheningUp · 13/03/2019 14:43

He slapped our DD1 when she was two and a half and left a clear handprint on her for several hours. He’s sworn at her and left a friction burn on her neck from yanking her clothes. He regularly screams and shouts at the girls and mocks them for being upset. He knows that hitting them is unacceptable and it’s never happened again. I still don’t trust him alone with our DDs and rarely leave them with him. He still denies these things happened even though I have photographic evidence. He refuses to accept responsibility for anything and always find a way to blame others.

He is hurting your children, frightening them, then mocking them. He is a monster.

You have to get away from him. And as soon as you can.

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