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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I cheated on my partner and I’m so sorry please help me

54 replies

Guilt · 11/03/2019 15:55

I know this post is very old but I need help. I have cheated on my partner/fiancé of 4 years. It was the biggest mistake of my life, it was with a friend of mine who gave me a lift home after a night out. This person was a friend of mine for many years and we liked each other about 8 years ago however it never went anywhere and we stayed good friends. I was wasted and didn’t even remember it until I woke up the next day and realised where I was. The night it happened I was touched inappropriately in a night club and it really done me in and had to give my statement to the police at the club, I then waited outside for my lift home for quite some time ,I think the drink really hit me and everything was a blur from then. I know being drunk is never an excuse. we have been engaged for less than a year but it was the best day of my life. He makes me so happy and I do love him with all of my heart despite what anybody may think. He has a 7 year old who I adore from a previous relationship and I have a 4 year old who knows him as his dad, he was there from when my son was two weeks old. He’s a fantastic father And partner. Less than a year into our relationship he cheated on me, it was the exact same situation as Im in. I forgave him and it killed me for about a a year but changed our relationship for the better. I trust him wholeheartedly which is why this is killing me. I know two wrongs do not make a right and I’m unsure I could ever forgive myself without his forgiveness. I can’t even begin to explain how much I hate myself. i don’t want to break his heart by telling him, I know without a doubt he will leave me instantly and walk out of mine and my sons life and I’ll never see his daughter again, he told me In the past he would walk out . I honestly wish I knew what went through my head at the time but I can’t even remember which makes me feel even more sick this person has promised to never tell, he has a girlfriend too. It’s the biggest mistake of my life and I am a billion percent this will never happen again and I’d spend the rest of my life being the best partner I could be. Or I don’t tell him and deal with this forever, I’m not sure I’m able to. Part of me has considered not telling him for 3/4 years and then telling him in hopes that we’ve been together for so long that he will release how much I love him and won’t leave. I’m petrified of it. But that’s selfish of me. And I have also considered never telling him but I’m not sure I can hold that in forever. I feel like I could never live without him. I know it sounds stupid I am only 22 but this guy is my soulmate and so brilliant with my son. I want to marry him and have children. Someone please help me do I suck it up and never tell him and spend my life being the best partner I can be Or do i tell him and break our family and let him walk away. I really do love this guy more than anything.

OP posts:

JoinTheDots · 11/03/2019 17:03

If you have no memory of the night after you got back to your 'friend's house, are you sure that you cheated? And if you are sure, are you also sure you consented and willingly slept with him? It would be a tragic shame to confess to something which you did not even do, or did not actually want to do at the time, but were too drunk to actively say no to (which is rape).

On the other hand, if you do think you consented and cheated, then you need to think carefully about if you / how you tell your partner as it is very clear you regret it happening and have no intention of doing it again.

m0vinf0rward · 11/03/2019 17:05

Perhaps you should not be drinking to excess, either of you. It's no excuse for cheating but if you limit your intake you avoid awkward situations like this where neither of you was fully in control.

gamerchick · 11/03/2019 17:06

this person has promised to never tell

Yeah I'll bet I don't think you can give consent when you're wasted. He's taken advantage of you at the very least. He's not your friend.

SparklyMagpie · 11/03/2019 17:16

@gamerchick agree 100%

Scary stuff OP :( hope you're ok

MsDogLady · 11/03/2019 17:18

So he expected your forgiveness, but warned that he would never reciprocate?

I would tell him. He needs an STI test, as do you. You deserved to know when he cheated, and he deserves to know about this. You would obviously explain the circumstances.

You also need to consider your relationship with alcohol.

Original poster

Guilt · 11/03/2019 17:21

I honestly don’t know what happened I don’t even remember getting to his place which is why I’m not sure if I consented or didn’t, I wouldn’t even know if you’d consider it as assault even if I was wasted and said “yes” this is what’s making my head spin because I don’t know if I’m in the wrong for this or what actually happened. And of course if I ask my “friend” he’s going to say that I wanted it this that and the other 😔and if I tell my partner he will go mental and this person isn’t going to actively tell my partner he slept with me when I was paralytic he would probably do what most men would do and say it was me. I’m to scared to tell the police about this because my “friend” isn’t a very nice person when he wants to be, he’s done some awful things to people and that’s what petrifies me, he don’t believe in grasses and should be punished. I’m in a huge Dielema and my main worry is my fiancé and my family 😔

OP posts:

Original poster

Guilt · 11/03/2019 17:23

I know for sure than I never again in my life will go out clubbing or drink alcohol. I’m not someone who regularly drinks it

OP posts:

Bookworm4 · 11/03/2019 17:26

I would go get checked for StI/Pregnancy and I wouldn't tell your DP. You already know he's going to be a hypocrite and this could have huge far reaching repurcussions and you're not even sure. Stay away from so called friend too.

LetheBiscuit · 11/03/2019 17:31

I think your partner will understand. Of course you cheating will hurt him, but this was under pretty exceptional circumstances (just been assaulted, drink probably spiked).

The friend shouldn't have taken advantage. Even if you were drunk enough to come on to him, he is also not single and was presumably sober. And if he came on to you, that's even worse!

PinkiOcelot · 11/03/2019 17:44

OP, were there any signs that you’d actually had sex, iykwim? Did he use a condom?

I agree with the others. It doesn’t sound like you were in any state to actually consent to sex?

I wouldn’t wait 4 years to tell him. There’s a thread running at the moment where the OP has lied to her DH for 6 years. He’s walked out because of the lies and how they’ve made him feel. So, I wouldn’t advise that x

katy78 · 11/03/2019 17:44

Don’t tell. You did not have capacity to consent.

StormTreader · 11/03/2019 17:45

I think I would tell your partner - it sounds like your drink was spiked, you don't remember anything about what happened, you came round at your "friends" house and he says you had sex.
Honestly if you were that out of it then it was rape - sex requires informed consent and if you were that incapacitated then you were in no state to give anything close to that, especially when it would have been clear to your "friend" how out of it you were since he was sober enough to drive.

I'm putting "friend" because he has in no way acted like a friend, he took advantage in the worst way (if you even had sex at all), and I would be worried from what you've said that he may well use the threat of telling your partner to get you to do further things you don't want. The longer you don't tell him what happened, the harder it will be to tell him later.

mynameiscalypso · 11/03/2019 17:47

You have done nothing wrong. The law is pretty clear on this. You have the right to drink as much as you want and not be assaulted. Your 'friend' raped you. You did not cheat on your partner.

ConfCall · 11/03/2019 17:55

You did not cheat OP. You were attacked.

If a married friend of yours were raped, would you call her an adulteress? No, of course not. And you're not a cheat either.

I think that you should tell your boyfriend that you were attacked. If he's a decent bloke he'll want to know, and support you. If he turns out not to be a decent bloke, get rid.

lunabody · 11/03/2019 18:15

Woah there is a load of victim blaming going in here about being drunk, when the OP has no recollection of consenting and may even have had her drink spiked.

@Guilt - honestly, it sounds to me like you've been raped. You didn't even know if sex had happened. The question your "friend" asked as you got out the car sounds to me like he was covering his ass. By asking if you regret it, it implies that you knew what was happening at the time. You categorically don't know what happened, and were in all likelihood too drunk / drugged to consent. This is not your fault.

Regardless, I think you should tell your partner, as secrets fester and cause more trouble, but I think your bigger consideration is about going to the police.

Weetabixandshreddies · 11/03/2019 18:26

I do think that you should try and get some outside support here.

It doesn't sound like you know that sex happened, other than your "friend" hinting at it, but if it did you certainly haven't cheated by the sound of it. You were unable to consent. That makes this something very different to cheating.

Can you phone Rape Crisis and explain what has happened? I think you can go to a SARC for treatment and examination, without involving the police if you are unsure about taking this further.

I do think you should tell your partner but frame this as an assault rather than you cheated.

Meandwinealone · 11/03/2019 19:37

It sounds like rape to me I’m afraid.
At the very least even if you wanted it, a really friend would say, you’re clearly too wasted, I know you have a partner, I don’t think this is the right decision for you.

A really friend would not have sex with your when you’re like this. Ever

What a cunt.

L0ndon · 12/03/2019 15:35

I would agree, you need to tell your partner.

There is the chance, that you and your friend were both drunk and in the drunkenness, consensual sex happened. As you have pointed out, in that circumstance drink does not excuse cheating.

However, given that he remembers and you do not, and from your message, this does NOT sound like something you wanted, or expected, along with the fact that having been previously assaulted in the night you were likely spiked. Also, taking in to account you have told us you are scared of what this friend could do, and that he can be nasty, this doesn't sound like you cheated, it sounds like you were assaulted twice that night I'm afraid.

Tell your fiancée about the assault. The longer you don't tell him, the easier it will be for him to be unsure. You can't keep this to yourself. Even if you're not ready to go to the police, for your families sake, I would be honest with your partner about what you have been through.

Hope you're okay!

Nesssie · 12/03/2019 15:39

Aside from the fact that potentially you were sexually assaulted, your partner is allowed to cheat and be forgiven, but you aren't? Very hypocritical of him.

I wouldn't tell him, but if you don't tell him now you can't ever tell him.

ahtellthee · 12/03/2019 15:50

Does he know about the police investigation and that you think your drink was spiked? Were the police called while you were at the nightclub? Why did your friend not take you home? Did your DP not ask where you were?

Personally, I would tell him, because it sounds like everything is linked and you were not in control and taken advantage of. If you were going to tell him, you need to tell him ASAP. The longer you keep it a secret, the worse it will be.

Moanymoaner123 · 12/03/2019 15:54

You were so drunk you can't remember chunks of the evening, yet your 'friend' who was sober enough to be driving thinks he had your consent for sex? I would be going straight back to the police station and telling them everything. Maybe try to get this 'friend' to confirm that he had sex with you in a text message as evidence. This friend raped you OP, and you need to report it.

pipnchops · 12/03/2019 16:05

OP you need to tell you partner about this. You need his support. As a pp said, the way he responds will let you know if he's a good partner. If he is angry with you because you were assaulted - you did not cheat - then you are better off without him. He will very likely be angry with your "friend" and want you to report it so you need to be prepared for this but it sounds like your "friend" deserves everything he gets. I'm sorry you have to go through this

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 12/03/2019 19:17

You say your drink was spiked
Are you sure you definitely gave consent to your friend? Do you remember every detail? Sorry if tmi but that just made me wonder

Quartz2208 · 12/03/2019 19:22

It sounds like he raped you - you dont make him out to be a pleasant person

That said neither is your partner if he is prepared to accept the double standards and blame the woman

Middersweekly · 12/03/2019 21:55

This doesn’t read like you were in any kind of fit state/ condition to consent to sex. The fact you can’t even remember the act speaks volumes. I am sorry but your “friend” raped you by the sound of it. It’s really up to you what you do next about this. For the sake of all women I would go to the police but it sounds like you are scared of what else this man might do. Your partner is a side issue but if he has any moral bone in his body he will stand by you and support you!

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