What to tell DC about family member in prison for serious crime

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NC for obvious reasons. Also fuck you Daily Mail, Daily Mirror etc, you bunch of scumbags, you may not link to or republish this post.

I have a family member (sibling of a parent) who was sentenced to life in prison about 10 years ago as they were found guilty of murder. Can’t go into specifics about the case. We’re a talkative family but the one thing we have never discussed is whether or not we agree with the guilty verdict (person in prison continues to claim innocence despite being found guilty, I followed the case and don’t have reason to believe any errors by the judge or jury). I suspect my parent has accepted their sibling’s guilt but it’s hugely upsetting for them to realise their sibling did such a thing and as a result we rarely discuss it, and certainly not what their views are on the verdict.

None of us has any contact with the person in prison. It was and continues to be a difficult topic for our family, although of course our experience is nothing compared to that of the victim and their family. This all happened prior to meeting my DH, who has never met the family member but is very close with my immediate family including the parent who has the sibling relationship. However, DH and I are starting a family and we are thinking about agreeing a ‘party line’ on the relative in prison now.

All the advice I have read about telling children about a relative in prison seems to relate to a) children already born when the person is sent to prison, b) assurance that the relative still loves them and c) that this person is likely to come back into their lives, none of which applies here. If relative is released they will be in their 80s before getting out, which seems unlikely. Even if relative does get out in their 80s, I have absolutely no intention of any form of contact between us and would ensure that remains the case. Our DC will never meet this person. Therefore, in many ways it would be easiest to airbrush them out of any discussion about the family. However there are two problems with that.

Firstly, I’m viscerally opposed to family secrets. I think they’re a shortcut to causing emotional damage even if the intention is good. I don’t want to set a precedent of lying to our children and agreeing this process before they are born. It would also be hugely risky in case they found out through some other means, or – very unlikely but not impossible – relative is released from prison in their 80s and somehow manages to establish contact with me or even worse, them directly.

Secondly, I feel that it is unnecessarily cruel to my parent, who has been through a lot, to pretend their sibling simply never existed. I haven’t had this conversation with my parent yet – they may well think that pretending the relative never existed is the best course of action. It would be a difficult conversation to have with them but one we probably ought to have.

I suppose my question is, if you were in my situation, would you tell DC? How much would you tell DC? What is ‘age appropriate’ when discussing someone in prison, for life, due to murder? I really want to avoid the narrative of doing ‘something bad’ = locked up forever with a small child, but at the same time I don’t want to introduce my child to the concept of murder at a young age (although sadly I acknowledge that many do not have that choice, including the family of my relative's victim). How much would you allow your parent’s views to impact on your approach – for example, if my parent says they vehemently want me to act like this person never existed, should I respect that despite my aversion to ‘family secrets’?

I am probably thinking about this far too soon given we are only just starting our family, but DH and I agreed that we should be clear from the beginning about our approach as, if we are to share this information with DC, we should do so gradually over time rather than sitting down with a big revelation when they e.g. turn 13. There was a lot of media interest in the case and so there are some pretty detailed things on the internet, which concerns me regarding their access. And I guess we both want to be prepared for innocent questions like ‘did [grandparent] have brothers or sisters?’ etc. DH is happy to follow my lead as it relates to my side of the family, but we want to find an approach that everyone can live with, that is above all in the best interests of our DC.

Would really appreciate thoughts – sorry it’s so long.

I think i'd consider it at a later date tbh - it's a long long way off before you need to do anything, the family member may never come out of prison (sorry to say) but there are a lot of variables that could change between now & at an age when appropriate.

That said - you would possibly want to tell the child before DC is in a situation where people eg at school find out & use it as an opportunity to bully/pick on - for warned is for armed as they say

Hello.

Firstly, sorry to hear the problem.

I'd agree with you though, that secrets do tend to come out in time.

I guess what is do is wait until they are say 15 or so (to prevent it dogging them thro school) and then just tell the truth, simply.

"We gave a family member who did X and they'll be in prison until X date. It's X's brother, and they're very sensitive about it so best not to discuss it directly.'

Then answer qs.

I think they should be told but not until they're teenagers and mature enough to.understand it.

Your dilemma is very similar in many ways to those faced by those of us who have adopted. In my opinion you are doing the right thing by trying to think it all through. It meant be worth you looking at some of the websites that help adoptive parents think through issues about children's life story eg on After Adoption.

We too felt concerned about family secrets so agreed that we'd be very open. It's about age appropriateness though as you've identified and in same ways you need to go to know your child before you can judge when they are ready to know what. Guarded honest feels like it works best with quick distraction. 'Why doesn't Grandma have a brother - she does, now how about that game of snakes and ladders?'. Answer the actual question. Don't let your knowledge that there is more to know make you think that they are asking more than they have.

Questions about family seem particularly promoted when they start school as family trees and bring in photos seem to crop up often. And indeed are highlighted at any period of transition it seems so be prepared for then.

Hopefully it's also reassuring though to remember that children are very resilient. They may be far less affected by this than you were as it is actually removed from them. I think that they could be more affected potentially if they end up questioning why their nearest and dearest kept this big piece of information about their family from them. If you try and airbrush this person out of your family history then you may well have to lie at some point. Fair better I'd say to just give the truth in bite size, age appropriate chunks.

I have no experience of this, but I think I'd talk about it when you talk about your family and your family tree , eg "Granny Sue has two brothers and a sister. Her brother Adam was a baker until he retired, her sister Belinda moved to Canada and her brother Charles lives in prison... Why was he in prison? Because he committed a crime and the judge said he needed to stay in prison... What was the crime? It's called murder which is when someone kills somebody else on purpose, which is something that hardly ever happens. It makes Granny Sue sad whenever she thinks about it".

Although that would probably be in several conversations over a period of years.

I would go with Brooms approach - we have a dysfuctional family bskground and that is sort of how we have done it .... schools do family trees in about reception ...but honestly the dc havent been that interested ....now teenage am thinking of the next level...DC still not massively interested in wider family - but we are all quite remote from each other so doesnt come up...

It's a really difficult situation to be in and it's good you are thinking about it, but I do think you're a long way off having to encounter it.

I know this situation doesn't compare at all, but DH has two brothers he doesn't see due to family fall outs, one prior to meeting me, but both before our DC were born. Neither are active in our lives, so we just tell the boys when it comes up that daddy has two brothers he doesn't see. The only time they really ask is when they see pictures of the cousins they haven't met at the PlL's. Our boys are still young and they just kind of accept that right now. DH can explain the political shit storm that is his family if and when the kids are asking when they're older.

I think you can simply explain you have a sibling that you don't see until they are at an age when they can understand properly why someone would be in prison. Personally, I wouldn't tell DC what the crime was. Just that they are in prison for a long time and unlikely to ever meet.

I would wait until your children are teens before explaining this to them, and I would ask your other family members to alert you if the children ask questions, and to please leave giving any answers to you.

I'd also go with BroomstickOfLove's approach.

Totally different, but my brother killed himself before my children were born. I have answered questions slowly over the years about yes, I had a brother, but he is dead. He died because he was very ill. And yes, aged 7 and 9 they know it was suicide.
It's not easy, but they have been very accepting of the information. But it's impossible to hide - there are photos of all 6 cousins at my grandparents house, who is the last boy? Who is the other child in photos of me as a child? Unless all traces of this person have been removed from your, and your parents house, the information is likely to come out well before teenage years. Dripping the information over time prevents it being a big thing. Saving it until they are teens (And hoping it doesn't get questioned at Granny's 80th birthday party) turns it into a big secret, rather than just some facts.

Thanks to those who have replied. I absolutely agree it’s a while off but since the pregnancy it’s one of many things I’d like us to be clear on, I do think that if we know how we’ll handle this early on there’s less chance of us buggering it up! The media interest surrounding the case does mean that it’s been something I worry about with DC.

I agree that broomstickoflove’s approach - answering factually, and as things come up - is my preferred method. I think I was mainly curious how others would approach it, as I’m super against lying or holding off until DC is older, but wondered if others would disagree. For further context (hope it’s not a drip feed) and also re the pp who referenced it, DH is adopted, but wasn’t told until he was a teenager. He actually dealt with it very well and seems very unbothered by the situation but I know if it had been me I’d have likely gone off the rails. As such I do worry he doesn’t view ‘family secrets’ in the way I do.

I think I need to have the conversation with my parent as until I know their view I’m not sure how to progress. I suspect they’ll say let’s pretend X never existed which I’m not comfortable with but like I say that’s conjecture at this point.

It hasn’t been awful for me - I was away at uni during the court case and it’s more how it’s affected my parent that has been the important part for me until now. But I do think we need to agree an approach, if only to ensure we don’t inadvertently make something that shouldn’t be an issue for DC into one. Although hormones may be playing in here!

When they’re little - nanny/grandad has a brother/sister, but they don’t see each other.

When they are older teenagers - tell them they are in prison, and if it feels appropriate give a few details but not all the ins and outs, eg there was a fight and the other person died etc

As they get older fill them in in a factual, age specific way.

Generally though, Id keep the whole conversation on an ‘if asked’ basis. No need to go out of your way to tell them.

Following as I struggle with how on Earth I’ll explain quite a lot of things to my children - DH and I are both non-contact with our abusive fathers, my mum died before I got pregnant, my brother died when I was a child... my twins are 2.5 now but they have autism and don’t even know what relatives are, let alone anything else.

Hi Op, I will keep it brief, I have been I exactly the same situation, my brother was in prison and we had to decide what was the right thing to do, my initial feeling was I don't want the stigma and all that surrounds a person who has a relative in prison. Affecting my child, I still stick by this: number 1, my upbringing, my childhood was horrible, he ,my brother is a product of that childhood, I don't want to have my child association with him. I've disacccciatated with him, it's about you building a life away from that stigma, I know it took an absolute toll on me and my sibling, don't let it do that to your child

I've just read a post about a family member being in prison and how to tell your children/ extended family
I am in exactly the same position, I have a sibling in prison but have never told my Oh or my children exactly why. To be honest it was so traumatic for me to live it and to come to terms with it, I haven't. But to tell my children exactly what he did,no I can't, I eventually told my partner, the father of my children after 16 years and it was so awful for me, I felt responsible? I know I never did anything but 16 years on from a crime my sibling did I still feel shame, guilt, not worthy, it's awful

From what you say this relatives existence is very hush hush and no one talks about them. If you just tell the children quite matter of fact my like other posters have said throughout childhood they won’t think anything of it as it will be all that they know.

My husbands family - his father had an affair with his sister and had kids with her. This was always met with embarrassment from my husnand. I chose to explain this to the dc from an early age as I didn’t want it to be a thing for them. They know no different and it is what it is for them although they do realise that isn’t meant to happen and is not the norm.

I would agree with keeping it very simple during childhood (uncle Reggie did really bad and hurt another person and now he has a time out for grown ups)

Not sure why you wouldn't want to associate a prison sentence with being very badly behaved?

I think you remain silent on the issue until your DC is at an age to understand. I wouldn't consider it a 'family secret'. I never asked my parents about their aunties/uncles. It wasn't until I started tracing my family history in my 30s that I found out how many there were, and I don't see that they were kept a 'secret'. They simply weren't a part of our lives so there was no need to mention them.
My DS is now 6 and isn't interested in any relatives unless he's personally seen them. He doesn't know my DM had 2 brothers who died before he was born. It's not a secret but it's never come up in conversation.
If your DC ever asked at an age before they could understand prison etc I'd simply say that DGM/DGP has a sibling that lives far away and we don't see them. No need for anything further.

I worked in a prison for some years on the medical side and always felt that however awful the crime there is still a human being behind the crime who isn't going to disappear.
i always preferred not to know what a prisoner did although the wing they were on was a clue and treat the person as a person, after all they have been sentenced by a court and I'm not going to sentence further - I'm there to do a job.
I am averse to secrets however awful and tend to think that honesty is the best policy with regard to children and I'd mention it when they are old enough to understand.
Secrets make children distrustful. I'd don't know how old, all children are different. I've always been completely honest with my son.

When my DD was very small, someone close to us went to prison (it was his fault and he absolutely deserved to be there but it was a very stupid crime and he is a well-meaning idiot.)

We explained that when you do something naughty, and it hurts people, there are consequences. Children have to do apology letters or sit on the naughty step, and their mummy or daddy is supposed to teach them not to do that thing and how to behave properly.

And if grown-ups do something really bad, the way they learn to behave better is to do their consequences, and go to prison, where people can teach them not to be naughty any more.

Some people don't have good mummies and daddies. So some people do things that are naughty and are never taught to stop. Which is why we need places like prison because sometimes it's not enough to say sorry if they already hurt someone and don't realise how wrong it was.

They are not good or bad people, but people who have done naughty things.

Do you have an unusual name? Because children do google their names.
I feel a bit differently to others- I think things like this are better talked about earlier rather than later. There are too many ways it could come up in an “uncontrolled” way, and a question come when you’re not ready for it. Not all children are the same-but many, like mine, are fascinated by extended family and ask lots of questions. So a very matter of fact “yes, granny does have a brother but he did a very bad thing and is in prison because of it” approach, with the previous poster’s “and it makes granny very sad so we don’t talk to her about it- If you want to know any more, ask me”.

Then tell your mother what you’ve said so she knows who knows.

I agree with the route which mentions in passing about the relative in question 'doing a bad thing' and being in prison. (Eg. If looking at old family photos etc.) The DC will just get used to the idea and it won't be such a big deal. They probably won't think much of it and just store the information at the back of their minds. The idea of sitting them down for a big 'reveal' in their teenage years is awful.

There is some really useful advice on here. Can I just add that having had young kids if they know he's in prison for murder and you deal with it matter of fact....that is likely to be repeated by your child at school and then repeated again at home by other kids. So just be mindful. Saying that we have 2 kids whose dad was/is in prison....mum never said anything. I only found out through gossip. Don't treat the family any different to any other. But my kids aren't particular friends so there is no reason for it to mean anything to me. If it was my kids best friend I would have appreciated a disclosure.....just so I can discount it being anything to worry about. But in your situation it is quite removed.

Are there any other grandchildren in the family?It might be worth just finding out how their parents have handled it.

But I don't htink you'll have to worry about this for a very long time. As PP have said children don't worry about relations they don't know/haven't met, certainly not when they are young.

I remember in primary school being quite fascinated by my paternal grandparents who both came from large families (my GF was one of 11 I think in a 2-up 2-down), as I am an only. But again I was kind of interested in the concept but could never tell you who was who's brother or sister.

When I was probably 12-13ish we had to do a family tree at school, which uncovered all sorts of names and connections I'd never heard of, but I doubt they do that nowadays with so many more children from blended families/adoption/data protection issues etc

When I was old enough I did become aware of some backstories to my GPs relationships - like the fact there was only money for one of the daughters to finish education, which caused lots of resentment between the otherwise very close sisters. But that was at an age appropriate point. I don't think you'll have to worry about this for at least a decade unless the case is VERY in the public consciousness.

I think a good approach would be never lie, but to tell the truth in an age appropriate way in stages, and above all emphasise that your children are safe.

I say this as an adoptee who was floored by learning new truths in my 30’s, because people, who trying to be being kind, wrongly thought it was better not to tell me all the details.