What to tell DC about family member in prison for serious crime

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NC for obvious reasons. Also fuck you Daily Mail, Daily Mirror etc, you bunch of scumbags, you may not link to or republish this post.

I have a family member (sibling of a parent) who was sentenced to life in prison about 10 years ago as they were found guilty of murder. Can’t go into specifics about the case. We’re a talkative family but the one thing we have never discussed is whether or not we agree with the guilty verdict (person in prison continues to claim innocence despite being found guilty, I followed the case and don’t have reason to believe any errors by the judge or jury). I suspect my parent has accepted their sibling’s guilt but it’s hugely upsetting for them to realise their sibling did such a thing and as a result we rarely discuss it, and certainly not what their views are on the verdict.

None of us has any contact with the person in prison. It was and continues to be a difficult topic for our family, although of course our experience is nothing compared to that of the victim and their family. This all happened prior to meeting my DH, who has never met the family member but is very close with my immediate family including the parent who has the sibling relationship. However, DH and I are starting a family and we are thinking about agreeing a ‘party line’ on the relative in prison now.

All the advice I have read about telling children about a relative in prison seems to relate to a) children already born when the person is sent to prison, b) assurance that the relative still loves them and c) that this person is likely to come back into their lives, none of which applies here. If relative is released they will be in their 80s before getting out, which seems unlikely. Even if relative does get out in their 80s, I have absolutely no intention of any form of contact between us and would ensure that remains the case. Our DC will never meet this person. Therefore, in many ways it would be easiest to airbrush them out of any discussion about the family. However there are two problems with that.

Firstly, I’m viscerally opposed to family secrets. I think they’re a shortcut to causing emotional damage even if the intention is good. I don’t want to set a precedent of lying to our children and agreeing this process before they are born. It would also be hugely risky in case they found out through some other means, or – very unlikely but not impossible – relative is released from prison in their 80s and somehow manages to establish contact with me or even worse, them directly.

Secondly, I feel that it is unnecessarily cruel to my parent, who has been through a lot, to pretend their sibling simply never existed. I haven’t had this conversation with my parent yet – they may well think that pretending the relative never existed is the best course of action. It would be a difficult conversation to have with them but one we probably ought to have.

I suppose my question is, if you were in my situation, would you tell DC? How much would you tell DC? What is ‘age appropriate’ when discussing someone in prison, for life, due to murder? I really want to avoid the narrative of doing ‘something bad’ = locked up forever with a small child, but at the same time I don’t want to introduce my child to the concept of murder at a young age (although sadly I acknowledge that many do not have that choice, including the family of my relative's victim). How much would you allow your parent’s views to impact on your approach – for example, if my parent says they vehemently want me to act like this person never existed, should I respect that despite my aversion to ‘family secrets’?

I am probably thinking about this far too soon given we are only just starting our family, but DH and I agreed that we should be clear from the beginning about our approach as, if we are to share this information with DC, we should do so gradually over time rather than sitting down with a big revelation when they e.g. turn 13. There was a lot of media interest in the case and so there are some pretty detailed things on the internet, which concerns me regarding their access. And I guess we both want to be prepared for innocent questions like ‘did [grandparent] have brothers or sisters?’ etc. DH is happy to follow my lead as it relates to my side of the family, but we want to find an approach that everyone can live with, that is above all in the best interests of our DC.

Would really appreciate thoughts – sorry it’s so long.

Oh and another thing - I found out about my adoption in the playground at school. So do be aware that your D.C. could find out from other people.

You seem to be starting from the position that you have to tell them anything. They will be a lot further removed than you are.

I know all families are different, but I honestly couldn't tell you anything about any of my grandparent's siblings, or even whether they had any.

I agree with piethagoras. Why do you need to say anything?

It's not a "secret", it's a detail that's not relevant to the child's life. They won't care. And they'll never know this person.

You don't have to offer up information to children that won't impact on their life just because it impacted on yours

I think because it is a grandparent's sibling that is quite far removed from the child. If it was a parent's sibling it is a bit different.
I think you just have to answer questions as they come up - don't lie about it. Broomsticks had a good age-appropriate way of doing this.

I knew some of my grandparents' siblings from a young age. I was much older - late teens when I found out that one had killed themselves, that another had serious mental health problems and was in and out of a psychiatric hospital, that another was an alcoholic etc. Up to that point they were just Uncle Fred, Aunty Ethel and so on. Grandad had 11 brothers and sisters - their names were x, y, z - a, b and c died before you were born. Great Uncle Dick lives in Australia now etc.

My kids are teenage and haven’t even met all their grandparents’ siblings. I think your dc will be sufficiently far removed from this relative for any problems to arise.

Thanks all again for the input, I really appreciate it.

To answer some questions: I changed my name on marriage and my maiden name is quite unremarkable so nothing to worry about there. There’s a lot online about the crime - it’s been turned into one of those ‘true crime’ dramas - but admittedly the chance of DC running into it accidentally is low. And my adversity to ‘bad = prison’ is based on some comments from a police officer friend of mine who said she hates the suggestion that being bad means you’ll be in grown up levels of trouble, apparently it’s quite common that children take it too literally and think they’ll be locked away for ever if anyone finds out they did something naughty.

I like the idea of ‘he lives far away’ and from a practical perspective that makes sense. I know it’s unlikely to come up often or indeed at all but having a strategy does make me feel more comfortable so that if and when it ever comes up, even in the most minor way, we know what we’re saying. I just know that I want to do this in a way that won’t be negative for DC at any age - as much as we can.

One thing al1ce has reminded me is that I need to probably shut down my talking about it - a few close friends know (friends from the time) but if we’re going to take the approach of keeping it quiet then I need to not mention it to anyone new from this point on. This is the sort of thing I feel uncomfortable about (I don’t talk about it a lot but actively not is weirder than just not anyway), but I suppose this is the balance we’re trying to strike here.

Hmm, it is a remote relation so from that perspective I don’t think it’s so important. As pp have said, the child is unlikely to give much thought to GP’s brothers and sisters beyond what they are immediately presented with. But if you say it’s a very high profile crime then I would think about telling them when they are much older like teenagers. There is a chance they might make the connection themselves so better to get ahead of the game and just relay the information in a very factual and distant manner. I know someone who discovered some very strange things on researching their family tree and looking at official records etc so I do think there has to be a disclosure at some point to avoid it being a family secret. I certainly wouldn’t be telling small children they had a family member who was a bad man and in prison, it is totally unnecessary.

I wanted to re-stress how remote this will feel to your future children. Unless they happen to see them regularly, they really will not know or care a jot about their grandparents siblings, so it will feel of barely more relevance to them than if it were a non-family member involved. I come from a close extended family, yet i know literally nothing about the lives of any of my grandparents' siblings (and they had over 30 between them!) - I don't even know most of their names. I maybe met one or two at family parties as a very small child. For all I know one might have spent time in jail, but it wouldn't have been a family secret, it just wouldn't have seemed relevant enough for my parents to mention to me!

Also, small children are very pragmatic about such matters. In my 5yos' imagination, pretty much any adult transgression will get the perpetrator banged up for life in a dungeon (one that looks remarkably like the Playmobil version) . So even if you do decide to tell them, it isn't going to be a huge trauma to know that killing somebody means you will go to prison for a very long time.

I go along with others, and think that the basic truth, told in an age appropriate way, is the best thing to do. The simplest version when they are small, and more when they are older, if they ever happen to ask about it again. Perhaps teens might need to know in a bit more detail - as you say, you don't want them to think you have deliberately kept it a secret from them.

They do need to know.

Thinking of my own children - 8 and 6, they never ask about grandparents siblings, they know about the ones they see and understand the family connections but, for instance, my dad's brother lives abroad. We have a good relationship (mainly thanks to social media rather than ringing etc) but until he visited recently we've never had cause to mention him. When he visited he did. So whilst it's good to prepare in case the question comes up, I wouldn't worry too much that it will, particularly if he isn't spoken of. Kids tend to accept what is in front of them and not think too much beyond. Their world is the people in it, not absent from it. If that makes sense? If he did get mentioned it would likely be when they were quite a bit older that they'd pick up on something enough to ask. Then I'd go with the suggestion above. That's X person, granny's brother, unfortunately he lives in prison, like some people do because he hurt someone really badly. As they get older you can answer more questions.

With your own child you will undoubtedly find a way to communicate it to them appropriately as you will understand how they process things. So I think stick to a plan of whether you'll give facts or sugarcoat it a little and you'll find a way round. And prior to that time you will have been asked a thousand awkward questions (usually in front of others) that will give you plenty of experience on how to approach it. Not making light of it, but genuinely, you learn how to tactfully maneuvre things for minimal required impact. And whilst that's likely to be the heaviest conversation you have, you will pick up plenty of tips along the way.

When I went to prison my kids were told I had to go to 'Naughty School'. They were quite small though. Might not wash with bigger kids.