Want this to work so much but he's turned so nasty since baby was born

[tkj321]

I've been with my partner for 7 years (I moved 250 miles away from home to be with him) and we have an 18 month old. It's been a tough journey to get here; 2 ectopic pregnancies, 2 rounds of IVF (1 of which was a m/c, one of which worked). We should be so happy right now, our son is perfect, but since he was born, it's like he has a split personality. If I say something he doesn't like/agree with, he'll either blank me (sometimes for days) or speak to me in the most disrespectful/hurtful/nasty manner (with much swearing, in front of our son). "FO and find somewhere else to live" is the main one that sticks in my head, but there are so many insults he's made.

I've tried to talk to him explaining how hurtful this is and how it's really hard for me to get over the things he's said time and time again, and that I've not actually done anything wrong. He said it's all down to me as I am "moody and bad tempered all the time, since LO was born". I'm honestly not, that's just not me. Most people I know comment on what a generally happy person I am. I am just tired. 15 months of night feeds every 1-2 hours, and the last 3 months I've had several wake ups each night due to a very bad stubborn cough that LO has since he started nursery. I think it's completely understandable to be tired after this but he doesn't.

He works very, very hard (over 70 hours a week) so we don't have much time, but he's refusing to even take off 3 days at Easter (when me and LO are off as nursery is closed) saying we can't afford it (we can). He didn't take a single day off when LO was born, and I had a C-section so it was hard. He does absolutely nothing in the house to help which was fine before, but it such a mess now as I cannot do everything, as I've gone back to work f/time and LO is quite demanding with my attention (which I don't mind!).

Writing this makes me realise how awful our situation is and I know deep down I shouldn't be putting up with this for a second longer but I don't want to make any rash decisions post baby. He's brilliant with our son when he's here but that's not very often.

I feel like I've just described him as a vile person but he's not like that all the time. I'm 43 and I've known him since I was 19. He is (was?) the love of my life, and the father of my child. if there's any chance we can get over this I don't want to throw it away but I cannot carry on like this constantly walking on eggshells in case I do or say the wrong thing to set him off, but we don't have a partnership, what he says goes, and it's seems like he's lost all respect for me, and doesn't actually like me a lot of the time. Leaving would be huge as I would need to go back to my family and friends (250 miles away) as I would need their support to get through this, but I know this would break his heart. I've tried to tell him if this continues I will have to leave as he's leaving me no option and he said "if you threaten me with that, I'll just let you go".

I'm so unhappy but I just want to get back to where we were before and I have no idea what to do, it's completely breaking me.

Oh this is definitely a horrible situation. Can you speak to a real life friend who knows your partner and seek their advice? He maybe jealous of baby etc but he doesn’t come across well from your post. Assuming you’re trying to avoid making a decision but it sounds like you think/ know you shouldn’t have to put up with this any longer...

Sending virtual hugs!

Was there honestly no sign of this kind of nastiness ever before your baby was born? I'm sure you know that being nice some of the time is no excuse. You do not want your child growing up witnessing this abusive treatment of his mother.

Hi OP i'm really sorry you're feeling so bad -abusers often behave themselves until you get married/pregnant/have a baby/move in together.

Whose name is the house in? (I think I can guess )

I don't like the MN standard of LTB at the start of every thread, but your entire support network is 250 miles away, unless he is willing to make some big changes to get over this, it is not going to get any better and it doesn't sound likely that he is going to want to change.

You need the support now, it is clear you are not getting it and if you are going to make the break it is better for you and DS if you do it before he starts school etc.

To start with why don't you go home for Easter (if you can last out that long its very late this year) get some support and hopefully a couple of good nights sleep.

You say he isn’t awful all the time. Abusers never are.

He IS abusive. You do not deserve to be treated in such a horrible way. You don’t have to live like this.

You can have a life where you don’t have to walk on eggshells, be sworn at or ignored for days on end.

I have no idea what to do, it's completely breaking me.

You do know what to do. It's just really hard. Talk to your family about coming home.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

He will break you more if you stay and what you had before with him was an act that he put on for you. What you saw was an act, a good act but an act all the same. It was an act that he could not ever maintain and this is really who he is. You were targeted by him and when your child was born he unsurprisingly upped the power and control antes further. He thinks he has trapped you now because of the child. That is what abuse is all about; power and control, not communication or a perceived lack thereof.

You met this man when you were 19 and had no real life experience behind you. It was a sad day for you when this happened, if this man really was the love of your life he would be treating you far better and married you. Such men like described in your post really do HATE women, all of them.

You were targeted by this man deliberately probably because at the age you were then, you were far easier to manipulate and use and your boundaries then were crap (and today as well they need revising upwards and urgently). All this about "breaking his heart" if you were to leave is utter rubbish; he is basically telling you by both word and deed that he could not care less about you. It shows how little he actually thinks of you and in turn his son. Stop writing such guff too to the effect that he is at all brilliant with his son; the man cannot even be bothered to even take 3 days off at Easter when you and LO are at home then. He is a shit dad and an abusive partner and your son and you deserve far better.

This is not going to work, this was never going to work and this is no environment for you, let alone your child, to be raised in. What do you want to teach your child about relationships here; do you want him to grow up seeing his dad abuse you as his mum?. Is that what you want to teach him about relationships here?.

If a friend was telling you all this, what would you advise?.
Go back to your hometown and rebuild your life with your son. Your so called partner is responsible financially for his child so you should pursue a maintenance claim against him. He will likely make your life difficult when he knows that you are finally serious about leaving but that does not mean that you should stay with him. No it does not.

There is no relationship to rescue and or save here because he is abusive. You seem also mired in the sunken costs fallacy and that basically causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions; all this nonsense about throwing away a relationship is this fallacy in action. All your words here are those of an abused woman in an abusive relationship.

Please enlist the help of Womens Aid here on 0808 2000 247 or your local domestic violence organisation and get away from him as soon as you are able to do so. You need a plan and a means of escape from him asap.

LTB is not actually stated at the start of every thread on relationships but your thread has abuse of you running all the way through it. He has basically ramped up the power and control over time and maintained the act so you were further over invested and pulled in. You were targeted by him.

Abusers do not all go around with abuser written on their forehead; if they were out and out abusive all the time no woman would ever want to be with them. They MO is done over a long time with a gradual increase of power and control within the relationship. He is probably all sweetness and light to those in the outside world and probably appears quite plausible to many (though I daresay one or two people have their own private based suspicions about him if they have seen you and he together socially). The cycle of abuse; this whole nice/nasty cycle he shows you is a continuous one and it will continue as long as you at all remain with him. You need to get out of there asap.

It sounds like you’re trying to find the exact right form of words to say to make it click with him. You explain to him that his behaviour hurts you, and he doesn’t seem to care; you explain that you’ll have to leave if he doesn’t shape up, and he doesn’t seem to care. But you don’t want to conclude that he just doesn’t care, so you’re stuck on explaining how you feel again and again and again to him because maybe then he’ll finally understand.

He understands now. He knows he’s hurting you now. He knows he’s being mean and unfair. He just doesn’t want to stop.

Your best bet is to leave. It’s going to be really hard and upsetting but in the long run, less hard and upsetting than living like this. And you can remind yourself that if you leave and he suddenly does have a huge moment of revelation about how horrible he’s been to you, nothing is stopping you from considering rebuilding the relationship then if you want to.

Please seriously consider leaving now before your LO starts school.
It will make it so much harder then.

He's treating up like this because he thinks its acceptable. And nothing will change that.

Thank you so much to every one of you for your replies - I've never posted on a forum before.

Elizabeth2019 - my best friend has known him almost as long as she's known me. She's tried to remain supportive but impartial but just recently she faltered and said if it was here she's have left a long long time ago :(

Slowknitter - you are right - he did used to do the blanking thing from time to time which I have never, ever experienced before and thought was awful, but I could deal with it as I justified it by telling myself he just can't deal with his emotions (which he can't).

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 - it's in his name :( however I have a house back home which I'm in the process of selling (this was so we could get a bigger house together as his is a tiny 1 bed) - so once that's sold I will have money to leave my job (which I love) and move on if that's what I have to do.

billybagpuss - thank you, that's exactly what I was thinking too, to go home for Easter, and I will. It's just so hard if I start telling my family what he's been like, as I don't think there will ever be a way back for us then, if my some miracle he comes to his senses and sorts himself out.

This is so hard.

You're actually in quite a good position if you've already got a house. Can you take it off the market? Make plans to go back home, look for a job, take your time, work out your finances.

You'd get your wages, possibly child tax credits or universal credit, child benefit, child maintenance (about 15% of his salary I think).

Is it doable? Try and clear your head and sit down and go through the finances - he isn't violent is he? So theres no urgent rush to leave.

Yep, you're in quite a strong position.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 - he's never been violent, no. I've thought about this and it's panicking me as I have a buyer now, but without a job I couldn't pay the mortgage and bills on the house. I just feel it's all such a mess because if I let this house go, I'll probably never be able to buy again on my own.

I also forgot to mention, he drinks every single night without fail from the minute he gets in the house; he's always done this. Not good. I honestly think he's got depression because of his job or something and again, that would make me feel bad for abandoning him if that's the case. I know I sound pathetic but I still care about him and worry he may do something stupid, as without us, he literally has his job and that's it.

Whats the worse that will happen if you let this buyer go?

He’s not good with his son. He is emotionally abusing you and therefore is abusing his son.

What kind of home do you and your child deserve. Clue - it’s much better than this.

Urgh! Alkies They're either drunk or their crabby coz they're desparate for their next drink. Got no time for them anymore drunk or sober.

You are likely to be codependent in relationships as well. He really did target you here and deliberately too given the age you were when you met him.

Is he really a male role model you would want your son to aspire to?.
No. He may not be physically violent but then he does not (yet) have to be; that could easily change. What he does works re you for him currently and you are still very much kept under his coercive control (which is now a crime).

Do you think he could be an alcoholic?. He is likely self medicating with alcohol and he in all likelihood has alcohol dependency issues.

Would seriously stop the sale of your own property and move back to this. Take it off the market.

Why would you think you would be abandoning him; where does this mindset come from?.

Verbal abusers like this man may repeatedly remind victims of their shortcomings, make uncalled-for pronouncements as to what they are (or are not) achieving in life, then act out with angry blow-ups or punish with stony silences.

It's not surprising, then, that victims of verbal abuse often end up depressed, or even questioning their sanity. There is a high correlation between verbal abuse and feelings of powerlessness and depression. Over time, the unremitting assault on individuals' autonomy and sense of identity can erode their confidence and self-esteem.

When dealing with a verbal abuser, victims may be reminded over and over again that what they believe to be true is not correct. Attempts to explain that the attacks hurt or to counter insults are often met with those time-worn disclaimers, the ones every good verbal manipulator has to excess in his or her ready arsenal: "You're over-reacting." "You're too sensitive." "Can't you just take a joke?" When victims are forced to dismiss their own reality at every turn, reality itself can become warped.

How much of this is due to him being depressed and how much of this is due to he being an abusive arse?.

Depression is not a get out clause for treating you with such disdain.
You do not know for certain he is depressed (abusive people are not happy anyway and he is more than adept at blaming you for everything that has or will go wrong in his life) and are seemingly clutching at straws trying to find some reason (like his job) no matter how implausible why he acts the ways he does. He does this because he can.

Why are his problems seemingly more important than yours which are all of his making and doing?.

He’s not a brilliant dad, a brilliant dad wouldn’t tell a child’s mother do FO in front of them

Keep hold of the house if you absolutely can even if it means continuing to rent for a while whilst you get yourself sorted. A mortgage is much cheaper than rent and you’ll be grateful in the long run.

Continue to rent It out for a while

Do not sell your house - it’s sexurity for the future. Can you rent it out and move in with family or find somewhere smaller to rent near them?

Be careful what you say to your partner as he may stop you from leaving the area with his child. Have you got any support near where you live now?

You're not abandoning him, you're escaping from him because he's so horrible. There is a huge difference.

How about suggesting a trisl separation, go back to your family for 6 months and see if there is anything to salvage.

70 hours at work sounds pretty gruelling. Maybe he hates his job and simply has no energy for the family when he comes home. I know I can be horrible when I am tired and work is too consuming.

But whatever you do this cannot go on. You need to talk to him very calmly without any threats or ultimatums and ask if is unhappy at work and home and can you please talk about it because it's clear nobody is happy and go on from there.